Chapter 1 - Cold

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal – Author unknown

The cold was mind numbing. It made his muscles scream with agony. His breath misted in the air as he tried to force himself forward. It didn't work. He seemed rooted in place by something. Cold bands of guilt wrapped themselves around his chest, choking him, forcing him to stop. It wasn't fair. He hadn't meant to hurt anybody, and yet his actions had led to the ruin of everything that he had loved. He fell to his knees, sobs tearing from his chest. It was all his fault, and there was nothing he could do about it. The only people left had abandoned him a long time ago. The worst thing was that he'd never had a chance to explain.

He heard a voice, a slightly hoarse, anger fuelled voice. It reminded him of a time, long ago. A happy time. A peaceful time. But that wasn't quite right, was it? The war had been creeping up on them, even then. Looking back he realized, he had never known peace. He'd never been able to go to the park as a child, not a care in the world. He'd never been able to marvel at the beauty of the moon and the stars, too afraid of the things lurking in the dark. He'd never been able to go out with his friends, their only worry being who was paying. He had been robbed. And it was all because of one man.

Something tall and black appeared in front of him. It's mere presence made him feel worse, it was like it personified cold. He couldn't move, rooted to the spot by the feelings of guilt, grief and terror that waged a war within him, as if fighting for dominance. The thing moved behind him, out of his range of vision. It moved towards him and he cringed away. It led him to a room, a cold dark room. There was a chair in front of him and he was pushed towards it. The moment he settled into the chair, chains coiled around his calves and wrists, effectively trapping him in the chair. That felt right, after all he was a prisoner.

A door was opened and a man was ushered into the seat opposite him. The man leant away from the light, as if hiding himself from view. He was steeling himself for what he was about to say, but the prisoner didn't know that. The prisoner dropped his head to his chest, not understanding what was happening. He'd been in the cold for a long time, but he'd never been where he was now. He was normally left to his own thoughts, which were worse than what anybody could do to him. And he would know, he had endured most of what could be done to someone. In a previous life though, he thought he'd been here for most of his life. He couldn't remember anything else, apart from guilt and what his nightmares showed him.

The man leant forward. The prisoner knew that face. The light brown eyes that almost seemed golden, the dark blonde hair, and the pale skin. It was a face that he'd thought about nearly every day since he'd been here. It was like the man had thrown him a life ring and he had been drowning, but without realizing. Memories were beginning to resurface, memories of a raven-haired man and a red haired woman, of a green-eyed baby and a man with a rat like face. Uncontrollable rage filled him then, a rage so hot and sustaining that he felt the cold diminish. He had to explain, the man had to know that it hadn't been him.

"Sirius? Sirius!" A small smile flickered over the prisoner's face for a moment. Sirius. That was his name. Why had he not known that? He frowned, his face darkening. The blonde haired man was looking at the prisoner in shock, as if shocked to see his former best friend in such a state. Sirius had once prized himself on being muscular, handsome and having perfect hair. He was gaunt, his muscles wasted and a haunted look in his eyes. Sirius couldn't say anything. He'd waited and hoped for this day, the day when he finally got to explain, and now it was actually here he didn't know what to say.

"R-Remus? Is that you?" Sirius' voice cracked and failed as he stared at the man who had once been one of his best friends as if hardly daring to hope.

"Who else would it be?" Remus joked, and then his face fell as he remembered where he was and why he was there. He couldn't let himself forget what Sirius had done, even when he looked so pitiful. Rage filled his voice as he asked the one question he'd obviously been asking himself for a long time. "Why? Why did you do it?"

"I didn't. I would never… I wasn't their secret keeper" Sirius answered croakily, not really expecting Remus to believe him. Now that he had his chance he realized how absurd it all sounded.

Remus was stunned, he hadn't expected Sirius to flat out lie to him. "Don't lie! I was there when they asked you!"

He didn't have a hope in hell of convincing Remus, but he ploughed on with the story, at least wanting Remus to know the truth. He owed him that much, after what he had done. "No, they changed secret keeper…to Peter. I thought I could keep them safe, I thought we could trick Voldemort. If everyone thought I was the secret keeper, they'd all come after me. They could have done anything to me, but I couldn't tell them anything, because I didn't know"

Remus stared at the man that had once been his friend. It didn't sound like something James would have done, but then again the war had changed them all so much. He shook his head. It was absurd. "Why should I believe you?"

Sirius stared at him in shock, for the first time in years allowing a small shoot of hope to settle in his mind. His voice came out a hoarse whisper as he stared at Remus, begging him to see beyond the obvious. "Because, I wouldn't… I couldn't betray James and Lily. They were my life! And why would I do that to my godson? To Harry?"

Remus' voice was cold and hard as he spat out answer, fury written all over his face. "How should I know how a murderer thinks?"

Sirius' eyes widened as Remus rose to his feet, the shadow of the wolf on his face as he stared at Sirius with loathing in his eyes. "No…Please…Moony please…you have to believe me"

"You dare? You lost the right to call me that when you brutally murdered everyone I ever loved" Remus hissed, before turning around and walking out of the door.

Sirius stared after him in shock and horror. He'd had his one chance to prove his innocence and he'd failed. He'd let himself hope and it had got him nowhere. He felt worse than he had before Remus had come. If only he had a way of proving it. Without Peter he wouldn't be able to convince anyone. And he didn't know where Peter was. Remus wouldn't come back, he knew that much. He'd failed – again.