Despite the fact that I am anxious to meet with Our Lord and Father, I am able to attend to my duty just as well as I usually do. My charge and I both reminisce on the good memories of our beloveds together. Not that he is aware of this.

I head to my heavenly home with much anticipation, and even some determination. Where am I getting this boldness? I plan to tell God I must see Dean more. I feel defiant, and I believe this is a dangerous feeling as an angel. The Will of God is the pillar of an angel's existence. We exist to do his Will, nothing more. We were not created for the same reason as humans, who were given Free Will.

It has been a very long time since I've gained audience with God. The last time was when there was a plague on Earth and I was looking for guidance in the immense amount of grief the plague had caused. It suddenly occurs to me a human would find it odd that angels do not see God every day. It's not like I am never in his presence when in Heaven, he is there like the shining sun being present for Earth every day. But to truly be with him, is not a common occurrence, and it saddens me a little that my last memory with my Heavenly Father is so faint.

Finally, it is time. There is a hush in Heaven and in being, because God does not dwell in turmoil. He seeks me out, since He is everywhere, I do not need to go to Him. His Presence envelopes me, a rushing peace and satisfaction and love, and I wonder why it cannot be this perfect in all my moments of existence. He has no visage; his presence is a great light, none brighter than it.

"What is it you seek of me?" I hear inside of me. Perhaps 'hear' is not the correct description. His communication is more like a swelling in the likeness of my heart rather than a sound. Words are not truly spoken, but I instantly know Father's meaning.

I feel like a vulnerable child in front of their parent. My needs cry out inside of me as He asks me what I am looking for. I will tell him what every part of me calls out for, and it will be up to Him if my desires should be chased, or instead be an aching reminder of what I lost. I remind myself again I am an angel. His Will is ultimate, although nothing is going to stop me from begging for what I deeply need until that pillar of his Will completely stands in his way.

"Dean," I say. "Dean Winchester." His name is like laughter on my lips, it bubbles out of me with such pleasure, I cannot wait to even just say his name again. Dean's name is an audible song in our otherwise soundless communication.

"You are fond of this human," God states.

"Very much so." Hope and fear are both singing inside me at the moment. Hope that Father will hear my plea, feel my plea, and fear that this is all to a useless end, a bleak end.

"I am fond of all humans. Dean does not take more precedence in my heart than the human you watched over last night. What is it you want from him?"

"I want to spend time with him. I want to forge a relationship with him. I want to soothe his heart with my presence and soothe mine with his. He longs for me just as I long for him."

I pause, and feel God listening to me. It is an extraordinary feeling, like he is drinking from me, like I am worthy of quenching his thirst.

'It surprises me, that you, Castiel, of all angels would have this request."

"Why is that, Father?"

"You know the nature of grief. You know if its misery. Do you want to experience it firsthand?"

"What are you saying, Father?"

"If you forge this relationship with Dean, you will grieve. I guarantee it. The relationship will end in grief. I have my reasons for keeping angels from the intricacies of human life, and this is one of them. You know how to soothe grief, I do not desire for you to feel it intimately, though."

"I do not understand. If Dean were to die…I could be with him easily in Heaven." Sudden understanding hits me, my likeness of heart sinking into despair at a thought. "You mean he will break up with me."

"It is inevitable that your relationship with Dean will end. I have made you to be an angel and I will not change your making. You will always have limits in conversing with humans."

"So, it is decided," I say, forlorn. Already I am grieving! What difference does it make if I grieve him later instead of now, I wonder?

Hearing my heart, Father responds. "Again, I am surprised with you, Castiel. You have cared for those who have lost someone with deep bonds. You know your grief will be much, much worse if you get more attached to Dean. You can stop now, and it will hurt for awhile, but the pain would be lesser than if you continue with this."

"Are you saying no one should bond, to avoid grief?" Anger laces my words. I actually speak them aloud.

"No, Castiel, I am not," Father replies sternly. "I am merely looking to protect you. You are an angel. You are not meant to feel such things."

I want to say something in defense of all the human charges I have watched over since the beginning of their existence. Humans have a deep shadow harboring all their hearts, this grief they can all feel. I wish they could have the same concern and protection from Father! Yet another thought is tugging at me. "Are you giving me a choice? It sounds like it. Are you saying I may take the opportunity to bond with Dean?"

"Yes, I am."

Every part of me is leaping with elation. "Then what of the limitations of our visages? It would be impossible to strengthen my bond with Dean without more time with him."

"Angels are not meant to interact with humans in that way. I made you exactly as you should be, meeting your purpose, providing assistance to humans, quietly and unseen. You do not need to use your visage in your particular duty. As of now, you have been stretching the boundaries of what is set for you."

"Is that wrong? I feel things, Father. I'm not a…tool…like the tissues my charges cry into."

"I have not said it is wrong. But it was unnecessary. Now that you've revealed yourself to Dean Winchester and have spoken to him on several occasions, you are quite attached to him. This will only end in grief. And as for angels being a tool, they are not. You are a gift. A gift to humans."

His last statement sings in me. If I am indeed a gift, I want nothing more than to be Dean's. "I want to be Dean's gift. Please tell me, if I can spend time with him. I must know my fate. If I can spend time with him, I will be eternally grateful. But what of the limitation on my visage?"

I stand waiting, afraid that the whole reason I met Dean was to learn some lesson that angels need to keep in their place. He has already told me he made me as I should be. However, there is still the question, if I am able to bond with Dean, there must be a way.

"That is not why you met Dean," God responds to my heartfelt worry.

"Why did I meet Dean?"

"Why do you think you met Dean?"

"So my heart could flourish? So I connect ten thousand fold with the humans I care for? So I can know one intimately, and one can find I have a heart as well? So I can give more than I ever have before? So I can know him? I want to know him, Dean Winchester. I don't want to wonder who he is, I want to know him, I want to bond with him, I want to be a part of his life. I want to spend time with him…he is beautiful."

"Maybe you are correct. After all, I am the one that made you to Dean's liking."

"You made my visage…to Dean's liking?" This statement echoes inside me, pumps the likeness of my heart faster. I remember the cherished moment when Dean first told me he found my visage very pleasing. It was such a gift…and now I am deeply touched at what my Father has done for me. For Dean. But why?

"Why are you surprised by this, Castiel? Am I not the one who created all in Heaven and on Earth?"

"You make it sound like we were destined!"

Heavenly Father is almost laughing joyfully. I feel mutually elated from his announcement. "Just keep in mind that I created you long, long before him. That is my answer for now."

This reminder thrills me. Was I made for Dean? Was I really made for Dean? I will be pondering this! "What is my fate, Father? What are you saying?"

"Do you really want to deepen your bond with Dean, despite the consequences?"

I do not even have to think about it. I know with every piece of my being I must meet the end of what could be between myself and Dean. I cannot stop before the end. "Yes."

"I am touched by your heart on this matter. I will grant you more time, temporarily"

I am soaring at this news. "Did I hear you correctly, Father?"

"You did. I will increase your visage time to fourteen total hours a week. You could do two hours a day, or miss some days and do four hours twice, plus a two hour day. Or whatever you and Dean choose, as long as it doesn't go over fourteen hours and you always recharge properly in heaven."

I am gasping. "Fourteen hours? So many? You are very generous!"

"What were you expecting?"

"Maybe an hour or two a week? I'm flushed with excitement at this news."

"I know of how much you and Dean like each other. That would barely be anything to bond on. Take my gift and enjoy it while you can."

"Can you tell me how temporarily I will be able to manifest in this way? Or when he will end the relationship?"

"I do not tell humans of these things, therefore I keep it a mystery to you as well."

"Very well."

"Do be careful, Castiel. This is dangerous not only for you, but for Dean as well. Your essence will influence Dean."

Despite my elation, I am somewhat stricken by this thought. I have forgotten this element of manifesting to humans.

"If I could be so bold, if you are able to give me more time with him, and I am eternally grateful, can you do something about protecting him from my essence? I do not want him to grieve."

"That, Castiel, I leave for you to ponder, because I am already bestowing my gift of extra time for you, when angels are not made to manifest on Earth for their own purpose. Perhaps there is a solution. Perhaps it is my Will you find a solution. Or that Dean find a solution. I must take my leave now. Enjoy my gift. Remember that is what it is, later in your darkest hours."

His last comment chills me. However, I am in awe of his gift. He has granted me, an angel, some free will. I remind myself how this meeting could have ended, and I feel so incredibly fortunate! He parts and I still feel his love in his absence. His peace expands inside me then joy, joy at the thought of how much time I will get to spend with Dean.

Fourteen hours. This feels like eternity compared to five minutes in one week. I cannot fly Earth to fast enough, thinking of this, thinking of Dean, of all the possibilities, now that I have time with him.

I rush to Earth. My new duty shift does not start until Earth's new morning tomorrow. I can go straight to Dean.

I was already considering giving up all my time for tomorrow, so I could spend four full hours with Dean. If he wasn't busy.

I want to bring Dean a present, but do not want to spend too much time picking it out, so I will not waste time without him. I decide I will take him out to dinner, if he will have me.

I still want to bring something to his door. I remember the Pepsi he liked, and once I am materialized on Earth behind a hedge, I go to the window of an eating establishment right next to his motel.

"I need a Pepsi," I tell the worker.

"Where's your car?" He asks me. The look on his face implies I should know better. However, I do not.

"I don't have one," I explain.

His surprise with my car-lessness increases in his face. Dean was surprised too, that I had no car. I realize I should think up a good excuse. "I do not have the money, to buy a car." I tell him.

"Whatever. Well, hope you have the money to pay for the Pepsi, or you're out of luck." It will be a dollar twenty."

"I am lucky, on several counts today. I have money for a Pepsi. Do you mean a dollar or twenty dollars?"

The man laughs at me. "Are you for real? Dude, its one dollar and twenty cents. You need to be careful, the next guy might not be so honest and gyp you out of twenty bucks." He was shaking his head as if I were a sad case. If only he knew the truth! Quickly remind myself I must pay for the Pepsi so I can go see Dean.

I have never used money before. I materialize two dollars in my pocket and pull them out. "Is this enough?"

"Yeah." He laughs again, and it pains me he is laughing at my naivety. He takes the money, puts it in a drawer, and hands me some coins. "Here you go. I'll have your Pepsi ready in a minute."

He hands me my new Pepsi, and I nod gratefully. I am eager to give this to Dean, and share it with him.

/

Dean had woken up to a pile of envelopes on the pillow next to his. He looked around, saw Sam was still asleep, so he picked one up, felt the seal on the lip of the envelope. He ripped it open and gingerly took out the paper inside, realizing the paper was very smooth, almost silky. It occurred to him it probably had never been a tree.

Dear Dean,

I hope it amuses you that no matter which envelope you open first, this will be the first letter you read. All the other letters will be in the right order also.

Dean chuckled. It did amuse him.

This letter will describe to you what a typical day is like for me, an angel. It is my wish for you to know me intimately. I hope do not frighten you with those words.

No, Dean mused, you're turning me on with those words. He felt a shudder of delight at the word 'intimately'.

I do not need to sleep. I am conscious every Earth hour. I work both in the night hours and the day hours. I typically work 18 hours a day, which leaves me 6 hours of freedom and rest. As you are aware, it is not complete freedom. I can go invisibly wherever I want to, but to appear in Earthly form – my visage – takes much energy so I am limited in that regard.

Damn, Dean thought, 18 hours a day work, I bet Castiel could really use a beer. Dean glanced at his pillow and tried to imagine his life without sleep. Didn't want to go there.

Dean hoped Castiel was going to get into some calculations about how long he could show up on Earth and then how long he would need to recharge, but he didn't.

I spend all of my duty time with the grieving. In some cases I am their constant companion during the day, providing my peace and goodwill to them. Other times I stay at their bedside while they sleep.

That sounds boring, Dean thought. The part about staying at their bedside all night while they sleep. Wonder if he can read a book.

Whenever my charges are awake, I must use a great deal of energy to send them a part of my calmness. Less so when they are sleeping. For this reason, I must recharge in heaven quite often, and do not spend much of my free time on Earth.

The times I manifested to you, I had saved some of my strength after some night shifts. I could still see you in the evening though, I saved it throughout the day. For you.

My days and evenings consist of giving of myself to others. I wish I could give all of myself to you.

Dean was blushing. He wished like crazy he could find out what it would be like for Castiel to give all himself to him.

Dean reminded him this was the craziest relationship he'd ever been in, and then read on eagerly. The letter was almost over.

I miss you Dean. And I am pondering how to solve our predicament. With every thinking moment. More in the next letter.

Fondly yours, Castiel

Dean looked at the pile of letters and guessed there were ten of them? He picked them up and counted them, and he'd been correct. He decided he'd open one a day, so he'd have something to look forward to.

He thought about writing back to Castiel, and he wasn't sure he'd ever get the letter. But Dean decided it was likely he would, since he was an angel. He went to the corner convenience store on a quick walk, and picked up a cup of coffee and a new notebook.

Back at the motel, Dean sat down and hurriedly wrote a letter, and then stashed his notebook where Sam would never look, the duffel Dean used for his underwear.

Dear Castiel,

This relationship is by far the strangest relationship I've ever been in, but I like it. Naturally there are things I don't like about it, like I never get to see you, and that's hard, even though I barely know you. Because I want to see you. I want to do things with you. I want to see you laugh. I wonder what your laugh is like. Do angel's laugh?

Maybe these letters will help. I appreciate the gesture. A lot. And I was amused by the first letter I opened being the right one, no matter what.

This is a hell of a thing to say to someone I barely know, but I do want to know you intimately. I'm curious about you like you wouldn't believe. You've got to be thousands of years old, right? Anyway, I think you still need to dish out some more, Cas. As in give me some intimate detail about yourself. I'm ready and waiting.

Dean snickered, and then wondered how to sign off the letter. 'Fondly yours' wasn't Dean's style. Hell, writing a letter like this wasn't Dean's style. He spent a good five minutes just trying to decide how to appropriately sign his name to the letter.

He finally decided on Eagerly yours, Dean because it was true. And added a P.S.

P.S. Loved hearing what you told me so far.

Dean stuffed the rest of his letters from Cas into his duffel. He was tempted to re-read the one from today, but decided to put it off till later after lunch. God, he was a sap. He went through his day with a little more bounce in his step, looking forward to tomorrow morning when he could open the next letter like a Christmas present.

/

I realize after my audience with God that Dean has written me a letter on a notepad. I can read it without looking at it, and I think to myself, I will have to tell Dean something intimate about myself tonight, since it would please him.

I knock on his motel door even though I could arrive unannounced in his room. I am eager to see his surprise. It occurs to me that he could be working tonight, so I pray in steadfast that he is free.

The Pepsi is cold in my hand, the skies are clear, and there couldn't be a more beautiful, incredible night than tonight.

/

"Sam, you know the rules. Dr. Sexy is a new episode tonight, we're watching Dr. Sexy!"

"God forbid I get between you and Dr. Sexy! Never mind the fact I might want to watch something!"

"Not when Dr. Sexy is on!"

Sam shook his head and sat down with his laptop. Maybe he could catch the game on the internet.

There was a knock on the door and Dean swore under his breath. "Sam, you get it! If it's a client, can you deal with it? Like somewhere else?"

"Yeah, whatever," Sam shut his laptop, grunting. He went to the door and hoped it was nobody important.

He opened the door to see Castiel holding a Pepsi in his hand. Sam laughed. "Dean, it's for you!"

/

AN: Hello dear readers! This chapter was hard to write, hope it turned out okay. Thanks for reading, I'm grateful people are continuing to read! I'm always thinking of the readers, and hoping the story moves you, entertains you, etc. I'm writing it for all of you!