Tis the end my friends, see the AN at the end for more.

You never find yourself until you face the truth ~ Pearl Bailey

The men were standing in profile to her, Deeks' hands held loosely in the air next to him, his gun gone, head turned slightly toward her. Jack was focused on the back of Deeks' head, clearly contemplating.

Kensi took several deep breaths before meeting Deeks' eyes; he looked concerned for sure, but not yet at panic stage. She gave him a tight smile before turning to Jack, who was resolutely focused on the gun pointed at her partner.

"Jack," she spoke softly and stepped toward him, keeping her Sig pointed at him. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Callen and Sam move in subtly for support, staying close but keeping their distance. "Put the gun down."

Another step toward him and now Jack looked at her and again, her heart sank, because his arm was shaking and his eyes wouldn't focus.

"Let Detective Deeks go, Jack."

"I…" he started but stopped, confused. "He's one of them, a sandman."

No, no…not again.

"No, Jack, he's not a sandman. He's an LAPD detective and he's my partner."

Confusion covered his face and Jack looked back to Deeks once more, who was wisely staying silent. "No! He tried to kill me…"

"No one is here to kill you, Jack. We want to help you."

"I don't need help!" The gun shook more violent and Deeks cringed. Even a shot that was a little off target at that range could be deadly.

"Ok, ok," she appeased. "There isn't any reason to kill him, Jack. I'm here; we can take him in together."

"Take him in? For what purpose?" Now he poked Deeks between the shoulders with the gun and the former liaison closed his eyes momentarily. He had been on the wrong end of a gun many times before, and been shot for that matter. But being held hostage was a new, and unsettling, feeling. "Useless fucking sandmen."

"Maybe we can get him to talk." One more step toward him and Kensi was within ten feet. "Tell us something we can use. He might be valuable."

Jack seemed to consider that a long moment.

He wasn't listening to her, the former Marine was lost in his own world and Kensi knew she couldn't pull him out of it. Somehow she knew this standoff would end up being a choice between her partner and her ex-fiancé. There was not going to be a happy ending for someone.

Kensi always prided herself on being able to read the exact second when a perp would decide which path to take. And it was no different with Jack; the look on his face gave away his intentions as his eyes flittered back to Deeks with a cold stare

The next seconds seemed to happen in slow motion.

Jack raised the gun and again pointed it at the back of Deeks' head at the same second Kensi steadied her own weapon, aiming for Jacks shoulder.

As she pulled the trigger, however, Jack turned toward her, subtly changing the path the bullet would take.

Kensi watched in horror as Jack crumbled to the ground, a large blossom of blood spreading at a rapid pace across his chest. Quickly Kensi looked at Deeks, who was still standing there stunned - but unharmed - before she yelled Jack's name and ran toward him, dropping to her knees at his chest. The blood stain on his t-shirt was already twice the size it had been when he dropped.

"No," she hissed and heard Callen call for EMTs as a familiar flannel shirt was placed in her hands.

Taking the shirt, she pressed it firmly to Jacks chest, trying to stop the flow of blood, but Kensi had seen enough gunshots in her day and she knew the shot had been close to the heart and based on the fact the shirt was already half soaked through she suspected at a minimum a blood vessel had been nicked.

Please no…please no…

"I'm…sorry, Kens," Jack finally stumbled out, starting to shake and not just from the drugs.

She sniffled and blinked the tears away. "Don't be sorry."

"You deserve…more…"

"Stay with me…" she whispered and felt Deeks crouch next to her.

"I…" he started.

"No…" she whispered and bent her head down.

Even as she pressed harder, Kensi could see the life bleeding from his eyes and suddenly the small movements his chest had been making as he struggled to breathe, stopped.

"Jack…NO!" she practically yelled and pushed harder. Somewhere in the background she could hear Deeks voice, but she couldn't discern the words. Everything seemed to be blurry and far away, she couldn't seem to focus on anything aside from the man on the cold concrete in front of her.

Suddenly hands were on hers, pulling her away gently but she fought back, pushing her partner away from her. "Get the hell away from me, Deeks."

"He's gone Kens," her partner whispered as Callen stood from checking Jack's pulse and shook his head at the detective.

"NO!" she screamed even as Deeks wrapped his arms around her. When he tried to pull her back, she struggled mightily, trying to push his hands off her but Deeks' grip was unrelenting. "Let me fucking go, Deeks. I can save him…I can save him." Her voice had lowered by the end of the sentence.

"Kensi…" he whispered and pulled her back, successful this time, sitting on the concrete floor with his partner between his legs, his arms wrapped around her upper arms.

"I shot him…oh my God. I killed him," she whispered.

Suddenly she twisted in his arms and for a moment Deeks thought she was going to try and pull away from him, but instead she placed her head on his chest and gripped the tank top he had thankfully been wearing.

Looking at the other two NCIS agents, Deeks slowly stroked her back and whispered quietly to her. His actions seemed to go unnoticed and after several minutes she extricated herself from him slowly and stood, looking down at Jack's body.

A sudden wave of nausea rolled over her, but she managed to tamp it down and stepped away, walking out the front door of the building. She was not surprised when Deeks did not follow her; he always had good instincts about when she needed to be left alone. And right now she needed a few minutes of silence before the EMTs then the ME would arrive.

In the warehouse, Deeks looked down at Jack's body and shook his head. "It didn't have to end like this."

"She didn't have a choice, Deeks. It was you or him," Callen stated simply.

"Yeah, thanks for the reminder," Deeks muttered, he felt terrible that he had (however inadvertently) lead to the events unfolding as they did. If he hadn't been surprised by Jack, and had his gun taken away, this would have had a much different ending.

As the ME took Jack away, Kensi stood in the background, pacing small circles with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Every once in a while she would wipe her nose with the edge of the itchy wool.

Deeks kept his eyes on his partner, but spoke to Callen. "I'm taking her home."

"Fine…and stay with her Deeks. I don't think I've ever seen her like this. Make sure she doesn't do something stupid."

"Like…what?" he asked, genuinely curious what Callen though Kensi would do if left alone.

"I don't know, and that's the problem."

And there it was, this was uncharted waters with Kensi and the team was unsure what her reaction would be.

Kensi watched the three men as she paced in small circles, not quite believing what had just happened. She had shot Jack. She had shot Jack and killed him. The nausea returned but she breathed slowly and pushed it away. She had only intended to wound him, but he had fucking moved as she pulled the trigger. Kensi was one hundred percent sure Jack was about to put a bullet in Deeks' head, her hand had been forced and she did what she had to in order to protect her partner.

She watched as Deeks ended his conversation with Sam and Callen and approached her; she knew the ending to this chapter. He would insist on taking her home and staying to make sure she was ok. Kensi would relent to the first one, but not the second.

"Come on," he said once he approached her and reached out slowly, unsure if she would come with him.

Kensi shucked the blanket off her shoulders and handed it to the nearest EMT as she followed Deeks to her car, sliding into the passenger seat.

"Callen talked to Hetty. She wants your report tomorrow morning."

"Ok," she said quietly and looked out the window as Deeks pulled out onto the streets.

The twenty minute drive to her apartment was in strained silence, Deeks didn't know what to say; 'I'm sorry' just didn't seem like enough.

Once they got there, he followed her up to the door, but as she unlocked it and stepped over the threshold, Kensi turned and looked at her partner, who appeared almost as tired as she was.

"Go home, Deeks."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

She sighed wearily. "Honestly, I don't care. Just…go, ok?"

"Callen said…"

Her voice took on a snippy tone. "And I really don't care what Callen said. That man has no room to talk."

"Kensi, I'm sorry…"

"Don't be sorry, Deeks. It's not your fault. It's not Jack's fault. It's mine. I let this go too far. It's on me."

Instantly he shook his head. "No-"

She raised a hand, stopping him. "For the last time; leave. I'll be fine. I'm going to shower and go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."

Deeks started to open his mouth to voice another protest, but quickly shut it again and nodded. This was a losing battle and the longer he drew it out, the less rest she would get.

"Fine. I don't like it, but I'll go." He reached out and cupped her cheek; she leaned into the touch and closed her eyes. For a moment she thought about changing her mind and letting him in, but instead she pulled away. She couldn't deal with Deeks and his well-intentioned hovering tonight. Kensi knew she was reverting to old behavior – pulling away when she needed people the most, but couldn't bring herself to care, she just wanted to be alone.

"I'll be fine. Good night."

"Night, Kensi."

She nodded and closed the door slowly. For a long moment he stared at the door wondering if he had made a mistake in not forcing the issue, but turned and headed toward his car.

Despite being completely exhausted, Deeks couldn't sleep. He had taken a long hot shower once he returned home and had sat on his balcony, staring out into the water. Usually the relaxing sound of the waves had Deeks dozing within a couple minutes, but tonight nothing helped. Concern for his partner had his mind spinning. Looking at the cell sitting next to him, he debated at least sending her a text but in the end decided to leave her alone as she asked. No matter how much it bothered him to do it.

The next morning couldn't come fast enough and Deeks shortened his run in an effort to get into the office early and see his partner. Approaching the Mission, however, he was surprised not to see her Cadillac parked in its usual spot. He was early, but not that early, Deeks would have thought she would have been in already giving Hetty her report.

Entering, he found her desk undisturbed from the night before and dropped his stuff. Both the other men were also missing, though clearly they had been there. Sighing Deeks opened his computer and started working on his version of the night's events.

It was nearly an hour later when Sam and Callen returned to the bullpen, neither with a pleased expression. That's when Deeks realized it was nearly thirty minutes after Kensi would normally be in.

"Guys, anyone heard from Kensi?" he asked, just managing to keep the anxiety out of his voice.

The other two men shared a meaningful glace before Callen spoke. "She called Hetty this morning and asked for a few leave days. Hetty gave them to her."

"What's 'a few'?"

"I don't know. That's between Hetty and Kensi."

Deeks gave him a hard look. "Don't you think as her partner I need to know as well?"

Callen knew where the concern was coming from but also knew this was how Kensi coped. "No. Unless we need her for an op, it's none of our business."

"But…" Deeks started but was cut off by a scathing look from the team lead which he promptly ignored and continued. "You're doing it again; not pushing."

Sam appeared confused, but Callen looked at Deeks exasperated, mostly because he was right. Callen had been thinking about they way they dealt with Kensi since the liaison had leveled the accusation that they were making things worse. As the only woman on the team, they tended to treat her like a little sister, the one you let get away with murder and do what she wanted even if you didn't agree because hey, she was the baby. Callen got the impression Deeks decidedly did not see Kensi as the baby sister and probably that was a good thing. It was time someone started calling her out, as Hetty did to him on occasion.

"Don't you think we should-" He tried again.

Callen shook his head emphatically. "Not this time."

There was something in Callen's tone that had Deeks nodding his head in agreement.

The first day without talking to her was nearly unbearable, he had sent several text messages despite Callen's insistence that they leave her in peace. None were returned.

At seven that night, Deeks found himself parked in front of her apartment. He was attuned to his partner well enough to know the difference between asking for space to sort things out and forcing him to leave because she wouldn't like what he would say. Callen might let her get away with it, but he sure as hell wasn't going to. Deeks would not allow his partner to be alone with this because he knew perfectly well that the truth she was avoiding was that none of this was her fault but she would blame herself entirely.

Taking a deep breath, he got out of the car and approached the dark apartment, knocking on the door. He knew she was home because not only was her car in its usual spot, but he might have asked Eric to confirm her cell was there as well.

After several moments he saw the curtain pushed back just a touch, and several seconds after that the door opened, his partner stepping into the threshold, not allowing him in or even the ability to see in her darkened apartment.

"Deeks…" she sighed. "I asked you to leave me alone."

"Well, you also said you would see me this morning and then I find out from Callen you took time off."

"I'm sorry I didn't call you, I just…needed space."

He took in her appearance; she was wearing a pair of well-worn cotton shorts, a tank top and nothing else. Her hair was pulled back into a loose braid which just accented her red rimmed eyes and sallow complexion.

"Can I come in?" he finally asked after several silence moments.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Deeks."

"Why? I can keep you company, we can watch trashy reality TV."

"I just…I want to be alone."

"Why? So you can blame yourself some more?"

Anger flashed in her eyes. "It was my fault, Deeks."

"No, it wasn't, and you know that."

Slowly she rubbed her forehead, all she wanted was him gone. "Deeks, I am not having this conversation with you right now. Please just go. I'll talk to you in a couple days."

She started to close the door, but he placed on hand on it, stopping her, which earned him a harsh glare. "Don't shut me out now, Kens."

"I'm not shutting you out. I just…"

"Need to blame yourself. And push everyone away who wants to help you." He paused and looked in her eyes. "I am here for you. Always."

For a moment he thought he had gotten through to her with the all too familiar words, but suddenly her eyes flickered down and she shook her head. "Just...please leave."

Deeks knew when he was defeated and looked up at the sky a moment. "Fine. But you really need to stop doing this to yourself. It's not Kensi Blye against the world; you have people who care a lot about you."

"I'll see you in a couple days, Deeks," she said quietly and shut the door.

Closing the door, she walked back to her couch and curled up on it, pulling a blanket around her body. She didn't want to push him away, her body almost ached with the desire to have him holding her, comforting her as she thought about all the ways she had once again failed Jack. She knew Deeks would always be there for her, but in the worst of times, she was reverting back to the old Kensi, before he came along. The one who didn't need anyone else, who would lick her wounds alone in the corner before coming back as if nothing had happened. And she would accept the new scars as experience, but each one pushed her father away from being able to connect to people on a deeper level.

And acknowledging it wasn't her fault, that Jacks own actions caused his death wasn't something she could do.

Because she couldn't get over the fact it was at her hands.

There were no pending cases at NCIS so instead Callen and Sam took it upon themselves to help Deeks with his professional development (even though they were still unaware of his change in status). Sparring with Sam was not nearly as entertaining as it was with Kensi. And while Callen and Kensi were equals on the shooting range, his ability to teach was limited. Mostly since he wasn't as willing to get up close and personal with Deeks as she was.

At the end of Day Three, Deeks was starting to go a little insane and was quickly taking the other agents down with him. He couldn't focus on anything, and the pent up energy he usually spent picking on his partner was making him twitchy. More than once Sam had sent a death glare in his direction, before getting up himself and going anywhere the former liaison was not.

Staring at his cell phone, Deeks had made up his mind to go to his partner's house again that night when Callen crossed into his vision.

"I'm heading over tonight, Deeks."

"That's ok, I've got it."

Callen just shook his head. "Don't repeat this to anyone, if you do Ill deny it. You were right, me and Sam, we don't push Kensi the way we should. Four years and not once can I remember her pulling this far back from us. Nate's the only one who really knows about Jack and what happened to her father-" Deeks looked at him funny and Callen sighed. "And apparently you now. We have been doing her a disservice and I know you guys are…close. But I think I'd like the chance to make up for not doing what I should have in the past."

Deeks contemplated his words. "Ok, go. Just…tell her I'm worried, will you?"

Callen gathered his things and as he left called out over his shoulder, "I can do that…Agent Deeks."

Deeks stared at the team lead as he left. Son of a…

Kensi was roused from dozing lightly on the couch by a knock on the door. She was unsurprised by the knock, Deeks had been texting her every couple hours since the night she forced him to leave, she just couldn't bring herself to respond, too much had been going on in her head.

Getting up, she opened the door, prepared to tell her partner to leave her the hell alone already, but the sight of Callen at the door stopped her cold.

"Callen," she said surprised.

"Kens," he stated back and smiled. "Can I come in?"

Snapping out of her confusion she nodded. "Yeah, sorry. Come in."

As Callen entered the apartment the first thing he noticed was it was clean…like, obsessively so. He had been to her place many times and not once had he seen it straightened up. "This is what you've been doing for three days?"

"Actually I did this before Jack…" She paused and took a breath. "Before he died."

Callen merely nodded and looked at her. The bruises were much smaller, though Callen could still see several large dark spots centering where the blows had been.

"I read your report," he stated simply.

"I figured."

"You shouldered too much of the blame, Kens."

"I don't see how, seeing as I shot him."

"It was an accident, Kensi. You were protecting your partner."

At the mention of Deeks, Kensi's eyes softened and she looked down. "How is Deeks?"

"He would be better if you at least returned a text."

"I couldn't. He tried coming over but I...I made him leave."

"Why?"

"Doesn't matter G."

"Yeah, it does. Why?"

She threw her hands up and paced past him, settling heavily on the couch, Callen sat next to her. "Because he's Deeks. Because he'll want to talk about it endlessly..."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Yeah, it is. I don't want to talk about what happened, I want to move on, put it behind me."

"Is that what you are doing here, alone? Putting it behind you? I don't see how lying to yourself is helping."

"The lie is better, Callen, don't you see that? It's easier if I take the blame because how can you blame a dead man? Especially when you're the person that killed him?" Her voice lowered. "Especially when it's Jack."

"He's worried about you, Kens. We all are."

"I'm a big girl, Callen."

"I know, it's just…" Callen leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. "Deeks was right."

"What?"

He kept his eyes focused on the blank television. "You know why we never would have worked?"

Kensi's eyes widened, they never spoke of the brief – extremely brief – flirtation they had had with a relationship shortly after she started with the team. It never went farther than a few dinners and one night that stopped long before anything of consequence had happened.

"We're team members."

Callen snorted and leaned back. "No. Because we are too alike, Kens. We both…retreat when things get tough; we've learned not to depend on anyone but ourselves because people, they leave and then you're stuck alone again. It's easier not to deal with emotional attachments. But Deeks…he pushes you, in a good way. He won't let you get away with the crap Sam and I do. And that's why you wouldn't let him over."

"Because he's pushy?"

"Don't play dumb with me Blye."

Looking at Callen she pursed her lips together, because he was right. She didn't want Deeks over because he would be blunt with her, tell her the way it is and she didn't want to hear it. She was happy blaming herself for Jack's death, just the way she was happy blaming herself when he left all those years ago. It was easier to shoulder the blame then let someone else in to lean on.

Callen's warm hand landed on her shoulder. "Let him in. He's good for you; you're a happier person with him around."

She gave him a sideways glance and smiled. "Are you encouraging this?"

They both knew what "this" meant.

Callen shrugged and got off the couch. "What I don't know won't hurt me."

"What about Hetty?" she asked and followed him to the door.

"Hetty probably already knows about you two. To be honest, most of the building has known it was coming."

"Lovely," she muttered and opened the door for him. As he hit the other side of the threshold, Callen turned back to her.

"Don't leave him twisting too long. He's hurting too."

"Thanks Dr. Ruth." That earned her a glare and she sighed. "I'll catch him tomorrow before work. Thanks, G."

"Welcome. Night," he said and quickly leaned in, kissing her gently on the temple.

Getting out of her car into the early LA sunshine and already nearly oppressive heat, Kensi was thankful for the strapless cotton shirt and jean shorts she wore. Taking her sandals off she stepped onto the beach and started walking slowly away from the other two surfers on the beach. It didn't take long before she found a small pile of towels, on top of which was his watch. The same one she had clutched like a talisman after he had been shot.

It didn't take long for her to find him; there were only two other surfers and his obnoxiously orange board shorts were not hard to spot in the blue water.

If he saw her, he didn't indicate it and she watched as he rode several more waves, making it look incredibly easy, before heading in, approaching her slowly. Silently he dug his board into the sand behind him and picked up a towel, drying off his hair and chest before sitting next to her in the sand.

"Hey," she said quietly before staring out into the ocean.

"Hey, partner," he replied. "You found me."

"I found you," she parroted back with a small smile.

"Hmmm…how many beaches did you try before this one?"

She scrunched up her noise in annoyance. "Just one."

"Nice, I'm trying to switch it up, taking my tradecraft seriously these days, you know." That earned him a strange look and he immediately realized the error. "Sam still checks up on me, he thinks I don't know."

She nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. "I'm sorry about the other night. I know you were trying to help. I just…didn't want to hear the truth I guess."

"What truth?" he asked and rubbed the towel through his hair again.

"That Jacks death was not my fault."

"That's because it wasn't."

"I realize that …I knew that from the beginning, I think. I just couldn't accept it. I couldn't reconcile that even though it was my gun that killed him it wasn't my fault, I was protecting you, I wasn't going for the kill. But in the end…I fired the shot, Deeks." She took a long shuddering breath and stared out into the ocean.

"You saved my life," he said quietly.

"And that's just it. It could have been you. One second later and he would have put that bullet in your head."

Absently Deeks rubbed the back of his head.

"If it had been you Deeks…" her voice cracked and she felt her chest tighten at the visual of her partner dead.

Carefully he moved behind her, legs on either side of hers, arms wrapped securely around her, his bare chest pressed to her back, lips by her ear. "I'm not, I'm right here."

"And he's gone now…"

"I'm sorry, Kensi. I'm so sorry," he mumbled into her hair.

She brought up one hand and gripped his forearm hard; he could feel her body starting to shake as she cried silently. He held her tighter.

"It was Jacks choices that brought him to that warehouse. It was a long line of choices, most of which involved him pushing you away, which ended his life. It might have been your gun, but it was his decisions that put you in that position."

"I know," she forced out. "I know…

"He was high as a kite, Kensi. Abby sent the tox report back last night."

She stilled and sighed. "I thought so."

"And he was not medicating his PTSD at all, hadn't been for a while. He should have been in a center somewhere that they could help him detox and get back on the PTSD meds."

"Yeah..." She whispered and tilted her head, resting it on his upper arm. "There really wasn't anything I could do for him, was there?"

"I don't know."

"Don't start bullshitting me now, Deeks."

He sighed. "Look, Kensi. He clearly didn't want the help you offered. Addicts…they can't be helped unless they want it. And I couldn't tell you if he wanted help or not. But if he did, I know you would have gotten it for him. No isn't an answer you tend to accept."

She seemed to consider that and they fell into another silence, this time the only sound the waves crashing on the beach. Her body relaxed back into his and Deeks placed his chin gently on her bare shoulder.

"Why didn't you tell me you don't like the beach when I suggested surfing lessons?" He finally asked.

She shrugged. "How could I say no to the offer? I wanted to learn and I had a great teacher."

"That's right you did."

He felt her laugh and smiled along with her. They were silent a while before he spoke again. "I signed the papers."

She was confused momentarily before comprehension dawned and she abruptly pulled away, turning to fully face him. "You did what?"

"I signed the papers; I'm an official probationary NCIS agent. Tah-dah!" As he spoke a broad, genuine grin crossed his face.

"Why did you do that? Last week you still weren't sure…"

With that smile still on his face he cupped her cheeks. "Because I wanted to."

"But Deeks…"

"It was the right time," he stated firmly, his tone and expression telling her that was the end of the conversation. "So, you know what I like to do after a morning surf?"

"No, and I'm a little afraid to ask." She grinned at him.

"Breakfast," he said and stood up, holding out a hand for her. Which she took and stood as well, brushing off her clothes. "There's a place around the corner that has great waffles. Come?"

"Sure."

They walked to his SUV and secured his board and tossed his towels in the front seat before he grabbed her hand and tugged her down the sidewalk. "It's a nice walk."

She merely nodded and walked next to him, their hands still joined.

As they walked slowly, Kensi looked at her partner. "I think I could learn to like the beach."

In response he let go of her hand and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in close and kissing her temple.

"Good."

END

AN: Thank you again for the reviews/alerts, ect. The alerts are appreciated, but those who take the time to review get extra thanks, reviews really do fuel the writers soul, so don't forget to leave one on the way out to let me know if you enjoyed this short journey.

Since the premier is upon us (7 weeks!), I think for my next fic I want to do something fun to help pass the time, so I've decided on trying my hand at a Word of the Day deal (I debated a fill in the blanks for The Call but decided that would be more work than I want to put into this, though I'm not dismissing the idea for later). It would not be an everyday thing, probably twice a week or so depending on RL. Should be coming at you…whenever I get the first word I like.

See you in the next one…