XI. Connubial Correspondence, aka Epilogue
The Study,
Darcy House
Friday, 4th December, 1812
Madam,
I write this missive with the intention of inquiring for your well-being. I trust you find everything to your liking. If you should find yourself too much lacking in company –my sister and I are unused to much light entertainment within doors –you may, of course, utilize the well-stocked library, which earned your kind approval last night, or the mews, which, sadly, did not. I'm sure you cannot blame the structure for pretending to house such dangerous animals; it was, after all, not for it to choose. As another option, you may visit the study, whereupon, on condition of the occupant's liberty, you may spend the time performing that activity which you so enthusiastically favoured last night.
I place my faith in your intelligence and hope that you have comprehended this letter exactly as the writer intended.
You will find me to be, madam,
Your utterly bereft Husband,
Fitzwilliam Darcy
The Sun-Room,
Darcy House,
Friday, 4th December, 1812
Sir,
Your letter found me not a little surprised, but believe me to be perfectly perceptive pertaining to its contents. While your solicitous suggestions pleased me to no end(the last one most, as you can imagine), I find myself seriously displeased at your presumptuousness in labelling me as coming from a loud, rambunctious family for me to feel deprived of such distractions in my new home. The implication has not been taken lightly, I assure you, and if you are not careful in the future, I just might redecorate the upstairs sitting-room in the fashionable shade of burnt sienna. As it is, your present misstep merits no small punishment, and you shall find me hastening to the study to discipline you appropriately in about a half hour, within which time you may rectify the status of your so-called liberty.
Believe me, Sir, to be,
Your very impassioned Wife,
Elizabeth Darcy, née Loud-mouthed-Bennet
The Study,
Darcy House
Friday, 4th December, 1812
Madam,
You completely misunderstood me. I only meant that coming from the full, cheerful house of your youth to such an emptier larger one could bring you some discomfort, and that I would try my best to dispel the same discomfort in any manner possible. I beg your pardon most feelingly, and hope that my well-deserved punishment will lessen some of your annoyance against me. I shall count the minutes until your arrival diligently.
Believe me madam, slave to your every whim, wish and fancy,
and, of course, your Husband,
F. D.
The Sun-Room,
Darcy House,
Friday, 4th December, 1812
Sir,
Well, it appears you have thrown yourself from the proverbial fat into the fire. Really, Mr. Darcy, it is quite enough to call my family loud, and now you are bringing particular notice to the fact that this house happens to be the largest(and most elegant, and beautiful, but that is not the point) I have ever resided in? Dear me, you really seem to require some urgent lessons in offering polite compliments. Being the marvellously magnanimous madam that I am, I shall be delighted to include these lessons in my long-winded process of punishing you for your wrongs.
I'm sure you will find me to be, Sir,
Your assertively alliterative Wife,
Elizabeth Darcy, née Resided-until-lately-in-a-Shed-Loud-mouthed-Bennet
Madam,
I find my fingers to be too moist to write much for fear of arousing your temper once more. I simply write to assure you that I await your every well-thought administration with mounting impatience.
F. D.
Sir,
I see you have taken to my idea with much enthusiasm. Perhaps I should refrain from coming at all, to stress on my serious displeasure?
E. D., née resided-in-a-shed-loud-mouthed-Bennet
Madam,
It is either the study or the mews.
F. D.
Sir,
I will go to the library.
E. D., née resided-in-a-shed-loud-mouthed-Bennet
Madam,
I have locked the library, and the key is in my inner waistcoat pocket.
F. D.
My dearest, clever, darling husband of mine,
I shall come to you.
Always,
Elizabeth Darcy
There! Done. Review at the very least now? Please?