A Pervert's Dilemma

"…and then my amazing kicks of doom will impress Rukia so much that once I've defeated all the hollows she will cushion my weary head against those heavenly melons." Kon finished his drawing with a flourish and started eagerly on the next page. "Orihime and Rankigu will hear about my prowess from Rukia…"

Ichigo tried to concentrate on his homework and block out Kon's ramblings. He honestly wasn't sure if Kon was even aware that he was talking out loud. While he wouldn't put it past Kon to purposely try to irritate him, he was pretty sure at the moment the mod soul was simply lost in a fantasy world of his own. He glanced over his shoulder to determine whether he should continue to ignore Kon or throw something at him. The fact that Kon was drooling while enthusiastically coloring out his fantasies was enough to convince Ichigo that at least the annoyance was unintentional.

Eyebrow twitching, Ichigo nevertheless maintained his silence through at least another ten minutes of Kon's sordid fantasies. Rukia dominated the scenarios but Orihime and Rankigu popped up more often than Ichigo was comfortable with. The settings often changed as well. The use of his own bed had disturbed Ichigo more than he wanted to admit, but it wasn't until Kon began a daydream with Rukia in Urahara's shop that Ichigo found his anger dissolving in the wake of legitimate confusion.

He turned in his chair to stare at the oblivious doll. "Hey, Kon." Kon continued drawing and drawling on about a nude beach trip. Ichigo frowned. "Kon." No response. Giving into frustration, he hurled his pen while yelling, "Kon!"

"Ow," Kon said. "What did you do that for?"

Ignoring this remark, Ichigo asked, "Why don't you ever fantasy about Yoruichi?"

Kon stared at Ichigo with a look of dumb amazement, which was pretty impressive coming from a stuffed animal. "You've been reading my mind! You fiend!" Grabbing the nearest crayon Kon began bombarding Ichigo with his coloring utensils. "Sneak! Pervert! Nosy!"

Had there not been crayons flying at his face, Ichigo probably would have responded with a dry comment on the irony of Kon labeling him as a pervert. As it was, the initial crayon managed to smack him in the forehead and incensed Ichigo enough that it began a short-lived tussle over crayon control. Once Ichigo had Kon subdued and squished into his bedspread, he tried to open the dialogue again.

"As I was saying before your interruption, which by the way dummy you've been gushing about girls and their chests for the last half hour, why doesn't Yoruichi ever pop up in your perverted fantasies?" Ichigo asked.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Kon started squirming again. "I fantasize about Yoruichi all the time. Now let me go."

Ichigo scratched his head as he tried to remember Kon's interactions over the months, something he usually tried desperately to ignore. Although he could distinctly remember incidents where Kon had been around when Yoruichi transformed, he couldn't remember Kon ever attempting to grope her. Nor did he remember any attempts by Kon to "woo" Yoruichi like he constantly did with Rukia.

In fact, the more he thought about it, the more bizarre it was that Kon's interactions with Yoruichi were remarkably tame. The worst incident he could remember was just Kon drooling over the transformed (and naked) woman in question. Considering his reactions to any other attractive female when they were fully clothed, Ichigo thought he would be more enthusiastic in his attentions to Yoruichi.

Ichigo realized he was putting far too much thought into Kon's perverted inclinations. "Whatever," he said as he released the indignant mod soul and returned to the desk.

Days later the incident popped back up in Ichigo's mind when Yoruichi transformed, startling everyone, during an argument at Urahara's shop. Ichigo watched Kon carefully. He drooled and fainted over the abundance of flesh on display, and that was all. With a shrug, Ichigo dismissed it. So what if Kon's behavior made no sense to him, whatever made him happy and kept him quiet.

Kon meanwhile had been in hell the past few days. He was twitchy and nervous, convinced that someone was watching him at all times. Yoruichi's transformation with all her naked splendor was both a blessing and a curse. As Kon drooled he had to carefully monitor reactions. Judging that he was walking a thin line, he made a large show of fainting and thus rendering himself both non-offensive but still tempted by the flesh bounty on display.

Once he "woke up" Kon waited anxiously for the group to disband so he could escape back to the safety of Ichigo's house. He even abandoned attempts to grope Rukia in the interest of leaving without causing a scene.

"Kon!" Kon froze as Urahara snatched him by the back of his neck, holding him in the shop as the others started to leave. "I'm so glad you could come today! This is a perfect opportunity for me to make sure everything is still stabilized. Some of the other mod souls have noticed a drop in their abilities."

Ichigo and Rukia looked back as Urahara spoke, then moved to come back in the shop. "We'll wait while you check him out," Ichigo said.

"Oh nonsense," Urahara waved him off enthusiastically. "No need to delay your dinners."

Kon saw Jinta and Ururu scurrying away. He knew they felt the impending disaster brewing and were taking shelter while they could. Noba had probably teleported away long ago. They had all learned to recognize what that crazed glint in Urahara's eye meant. Kon couldn't risk furthering Urahara's wrath by saying anything to save himself, so instead he tried giving Ichigo and Rukia the most pathetic puppy eyes possible. To his dismay, they were unmoved and left after calling out their goodbyes. Kon was left alone with Urahara and Yoruichi as the other inhabitants of the shop quickly fled as well.

"That was weird," Yoruichi said. "Everyone ran off pretty quickly."

Urahara whipped out his fan and laughed nervously behind it. "Oh, we are just fortunate to have busy friends!" He gestured towards the back of the shop. "It sounds like it's almost time for our own dinners. It smells incredible, doesn't it? I think we even have fresh milk tonight."

"Milk?" Yoruichi asked, instantly perking up from her languid position.

"Yes, indeed! A treat for you." Urahara smiled widely, never releasing Kon from his grip. Kon couldn't help but mentally whimper.

With one last suspicious glance Yoruichi headed for the back. "We'll talk about this later, Kisuke. Don't think I don't know when you're trying to distract me."

As Yoruichi disappeared from their view Kon debated whether it was better to start groveling right away and hope to head off Urahara's anger, or to wait and determine which rule he was angry about first. He decided to wait rather than risk picking the wrong one, and instead kept his head down to at least appear contrite.

"Now Kon, we've discussed this…" devoid of the usual laughter, Urahara's voice was the still before the storm. Kon couldn't repress a shiver. "You know that according to rule 247 you are required at all times to give Yoruichi the respect she deserves, and per rule 249 you may not at any point degrade Yoruichi by reacting to her body in a depraved manner."

Although Kon hated to submit, he kept his eyes respectfully on the floor. "I'm sorry, Shopkeeper, but I was trying to keep rule 254."

"Oh, explain?"

"Ichigo was talking about how I don't try to glomp Yoruichi like the other girls, and since rule 254 is that we must always acknowledge the grace and beauty of Yoruichi, I wanted to make sure I reacted to her like the hot woman she is," Kon babbled, praying that the insane logic would hold.

"Hm," Urahara tapped his fan against his mouth in thought. "It's true that if you don't react to Yoruichi like you do to Rukia it would imply she is less deserving of your affection, as it were, and we don't want that. And of course rule 199 prevents you from explaining to Ichigo about the rules. It's quite a conundrum you're in, Kon." He paused, and then flung out his fan as he pronounced, "so this time, you are forgiven!"

Kon fell to the floor in relief. "Thank you, crazy shopkeeper," he yelled before speeding out of the shop.

For the inhabitants of Urahara's shop, every day brought the potential to earn Urahara's wrath and subsequently fall victim to vicious "experiments" if they broke any of the 200+ rules governing the grounds. Yoruichi alone seemed impervious to the rules. Whenever she broke them Urahara ignored it, and it helped that she only had to follow the first 199 rules. Rules 200-287 were all in regards to how the rest of the residents were supposed to treat Yoruichi. Difficult at the best of times, they were made even harder by rule 200 – Yoruichi must never know there are additional rules on the list. Kon was grateful to have escaped so easily, and for the hundredth time cursed Urahara's jealous tendencies and Yoruichi's inability to keep her clothes on.

Emerald: Now I was a little too lazy to go back through episodes and make sure Kon never actually tries to grope Yoruichi, but I don't remember him doing so and I've always thought it was weird.

Duo: Dude, I'd tap that.

Emerald: …me too…

Legolas: So as the more mature member of this writing/muse team, let me apologize as always for any errors that escaped our notice.

Emerald: Is anyone else having the problem where now they just imagine Urahara and all his crazed rules? Because that unexpected insanity is sticking with me.