KON RAYMOND: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

Disclaimer: I do not own Beyblade or any of the respective characters. Credit must be given to the brilliant authoress Diamond Mask who has been my inspiration and Theresa Green who pioneered the format of the "Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual" series.

Redsky100: I've read and re-read Diamond Mask's Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual stories and I thought of making one for Beyblade, I've used the G-Revolution Arch so here it is. Let me know what you think about it in the reviews please! ;)

WARNING: Slight perversive (is that a word?) language used.

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a KON RAYMOND unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own neko-jin sweetie, read the following manual with care as misuse of the KON RAYMOND will result in the idiot owner being shredded into itty bitty pieces.

Technical Specifications

Name: Kon Raymond, Kon Reimond if you've purchased the Japanese version. The KON unit will respond to "Ray-kun", "Ray-Ray" or "Tiger". The KON unit can also be programmed to respond to "Koneko" and "Here Kitty, Kitty!" – Please note this nickname must be accompanied by a clicking sound

Age: 15 (16 if you've purchased the Japanese version)

Place of Manufacture: the White Tiger Village, Furreal Friends Division

Height: 165 cm or 5'5''

Weight: 58.1 kilograms or 128 lbs

Length: Simply purrrrrfect!

Your KON RAY comes with the following accessories:

One Ying-Yang Headband with matching red Ying-Yang gloves

One Red and White Hair Wrap

One White with Yellow accents Hong Kong type shirt

One Pair Black Pants

One Pair of Black Chinese Traditional Shoes

One Hello Kitty Boxers and Brief (options make the world go, 'yeah!')

One Driger Metal Slash (complete with Driger bit-chip and bit-beast)

One BBA Utility Pouch (containing Beyblade and Rip cord to be attached to his sash)

One Beauty Therapy Kit (for hair and facial purposes)

One Box O' Catnip and One 'Bad Kitty!' Squirt Bottle

WARNING: the KON RAY unit is not fussy when it comes to his wardrobe. However, though this neko-jin sweetie may look effeminate with his mile long hair loose, please resist the crazy impulse to dress him like a little school girl, waitress or anything pertaining to the word 'girl'. Remember, this kitten has claws and ain't afraid to use them.

Also, the manufacturer is not responsible for your resulting beat down/death should you ignore this warning.

Removing your KON RAY from his box

You will need the Box O' Catnip to ensure your KON unit associates you with the words, 'Master', 'Free Meal' or 'Happy Nice'. Any should be acceptable as the alternative will result in the owner being scratched fifteen times in the face. Dangle a ball of catnip at the entrance of the box and your KON unit should come flying out with purrs. Remember that felines can be finicky so be sure to have any kind of seafood present in case the catnip isn't a good enough incentive.

CAUTION: Getting between the KON unit and his catnip/food will result in your person being reduced to a tattered mess. The manufacturers will not take any responsibility for incidents caused by not following the given instructions.

Once the KON unit is out, toss the catnip or food to one side of the room and when your new KON RAY is done playing or eating, calmly ask him to reveal his programming port at the back of his neck so you can enter the code on the side of the box which ensures your little kitty won't go running off the first chance he gets. He should comply but if not, give him a few squirts in the face with the Squirt Bottle and the programming port should pop open in his surprise.

Programming

Your very own World Champion Beyblader has been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximize your own benefit and pleasure:

Bodyguard: Your KON RAY has trained in the art of martial arts since he could walk courtesy of the White Tiger Village. Feel free to walk the streets of any dangerous neighbourhood at any hour of the night or carelessly trash talk the school yard bully, once you've earned his trust (by entering the before mentioned code) your KON RAY unit will have no qualms about defending his territory, a.k.a. you; though check beforehand that the bully isn't toting a BRYAN and/or TALA unit as your KON RAY may be reluctant to take them both on at the same time, but his overconfidence which signals his Cocky mode is unlocked, will lead him to try.

Ultimate Chef: Reap the rewards of fame and fortune as your koneko cooks circles around renowned chefs worldwide. His extreme culinary skills are perfect for those looking to make it big in the food business, just sit back and relax as your KON RAY takes to the kitchen like a kitten to being cute and watch as the dough rolls in. If the culinary thing isn't your scene, the KON RAY unit can double as a personal chef with whom you may use to impress your boss into a promotion at business luncheons or put that crazy know-it-all mother-in-law of yours to shame with his badass cooking skills! Whether he gets the credit or not is totally up the owner; whether he lets you get away with it is totally up to how much catnip and belly rubs you bribe him with.

Male Model: With a gorgeous face and golden eyes that could light up the night coupled with a lithe supple figure, your KON RAY is a prime candidate for the catwalk or commercial modeling! By renting out your unit, you can go crazy frothing at the mouth as the mullah strolls in as his dazzling smile and infectious cuteness graces the covers of every fashion magazine from Seventeen to Italian Vogue. Note: do not feel guilty about pimping out your KON RAY – his programming ensures that he lives to please.

WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible of the hordes of fangirls or deranged stalkers that decide to camp out on your lawn as a result of you choosing this purpose for your KON RAY unit. (However, if this occurs please see the FAQ)

Gym Instructor: As a fit martial arts expert, your KON RAY unit is equipped with all the know-how and prowess needed to keep you fit and in shape. If an intense daily workout regimen is not for you, simply rent him out to work at the nearest fit club or for a celebrity fitness nut. You will have no choice but to sit back and relax as the money barges through the door when your KON RAY is elevated to fitness guru status by health buffs and gym enthusiast everywhere!

WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible of the hordes of fangirls or juice heads that decide to camp out on your lawn as a result of you choosing this purpose for your KON RAY unit. (However, if this occurs please see the FAQ)

Mother Hen: Your KON RAY unit's sweet and gentle nature coupled with his ever present worldly knowledge and wisdom makes him the perfect substitute for busy parents always on the go. The KON RAY unit can also double as a super nanny should you feel the need to make extra cash for that new pair of shoes or must have accessory you've been eyeing.

WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible should your children decide they like the KON RAY unit more than you.

Your KON RAY will come with the following modes:

Polite and Kind (default)

Calm (default)

Professional Blader (default)

Fiercely Competitive (locked)

Cocky (locked)

Unconfident (locked)

Slash (locked)

Out of Character (locked)

Owners must be wary at all times of the Fiercely Competitive and Cocky modes, unlocked when your KON RAY encounters the GRANGER TYSON and/or HIWATARI KAI units when both are in Kamikaze mode. Your KON RAY unit, though a skilled blader in his own right, will not win this fight and may come out damaged or at the very least extremely dirty. The resulting loss will unlock the Unconfident mode making him a sulky kitty for days. Therefore, we advise avoiding contact with these units as much as possible. If, however, contact is unavoidable – such as a GRANGER TYSON and/or HIWATARI KAI living in your neighbourhood– we advise accessing the Out of Character mode to dissuade him from running himself ragged trying to (unsuccessfully) beat the GRANGER TYSON or HIWATARI KAI units.

The Out of Character mode can be accessed by confiscating all dairy products and cat toys in the house. If this doesn't work ban him from training, beyblade or martial arts either one won't matter, by turning on the sprinklers whenever he goes out (your KON RAY is notoriously against getting his hear wet unless he's in the shower). In little less than two days, your KON RAY will be a broken kitty, however, it will be ridiculously easy to subdue him and access his programming (if the opposite occurs, and your unit goes berserk, please refer to the FAQ).

The Slash mode can be activated by employing the same procedure as Out of Character mode and is extremely useful and necessary to access the boy on boy action of yaoi yaoiness fangirls everywhere thrive upon because sadly (sort of), the KON RAY units are inherently heterosexuals, well, according to the manga as far as the manufacture knows. When Slash mode has been unlocked, force him and his chosen beau into a small yet lavish (your kitty ain't cheap) secluded room and they should 'bond'.

WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible of the hordes of fangirls that decide to camp out on your lawn as a result of you choosing this purpose for your KON RAY unit. (However, if this occurs please see the FAQ)

PLEASE NOTE: Though many owners may dislike this treatment, the fangirls will have to use it – as using the Squirt Bottle to shock the programming panel open with have lost its effectiveness well before the third use. Those golden eyes aren't just for decoration; the KON RAY unit will see you coming long before the thought pops into your yaoi obsessed heads.

Relations with Other Units

DRIGER: this centuries old kitty faithfully obeys and follows the KON RAY unit wherever he goes (Well duh, he's stuck in a spinning top!) He was handed down to the KON RAY unit for being the best blader in the village though the KON RAY unit unfortunately has a habit of losing him. Regardless, this ancient feline which is also known as one of the four Sacred or Holy Beasts, would lay its life on the line for the KON unit sacrificing itself (though that's not really sacrifice if ihe keeps coming back) to protect him when his Overconfident mode lands him in the kitty-litter.

WONG MARIAH: The MARIAH unit is a childhood friend and on again off again team mate of the KON RAY unit. KON RAY and WONG MARIAH units were manufactured and programmed in the same mountain village in China alongside the GARY, KEVIN and LEE units, becoming life-long friends. However, this friendship was put on the backburner when the pink haired eyesore, along with the rest of her team mates, held a grudge against the KON RAY unit for running off with the Clan's most prized possession since the first well erected in the village, the DRIGER unit, the ever present companion of the KON RAY unit. The KON RAY unit taught the WONG MARIAH unit how to Beyblade, though she sometimes conveniently forgets this when she's mad at him for some reason. Once they've made up, the MARIAH unit sees it fit to permanently attach herself to the KON RAY unit, who much to her annoyance only sees her as a little sister. Later in life the KON RAY unit settles down with the WONG MARIAH unit (after much harassment, stalking and blackmail) and together produce a child, the KON RIN unit.

WARNING: Yaoi fans blatantly ignore this and hold firmly to the belief that the KON RAY is being held against his will when paired with a WONG MARIAH. They will also vehemently ignore all proof of the RIN unit's legitimacy found in the manga series and will proceed to have any BRYAN, TALA or KAI units annihilate any and all MARIAH units they come across.

The manufacture is not responsible for any WONG MARIAH units destroyed by angry roving fangirls of the anti-MARIAH/RAY pairings group.

WONG LEE: this unit is a fellow member of the White Tiger X team and is brother of the MARIAH unit. He was jealous of the KON unit for being given the DRIGER unit and his jealousy has escalated into rage at the RAY unit's so called 'betrayal'. His temper has cooled since reuniting and harassing the KON unit and he now treats the KON RAY much like a brother though this will not stop him from trying to deal serious harm to the RAY unit when in Overprotective Brother mode. This mode is unlocked when he comes across a RAY/MARIAH pairing. The Lee unit has a long memory and can hold grudges even longer so it would be best to keep this unit far away from the KON unit should you be brave enough to try out this pairing.

WARNING: The LEE unit is the last resort for enraged fangirls of the anti-RAY/MARIAH pairings group and the manufacturer is not responsible for the resulting death of your KON RAY should you chose this (cruel) purpose for your KON RAY unit.

HIWATARI KAI: The RAY and KAI units are closest in age and were team mates on the Bladebreaker team until the RAY and KAI units split up (had a lovers spat when the TALA unit came to town) and went separate ways to seek fame by breaking away from the GRANGER TYSON's enormous shadow. Though emotionally frigid for most of his life, the KAI unit seems to share a certain respect (man-crush) with the RAY unit and find his presence, when compared with the TYSON and MAX units, more tolerable. When fangirls tend to blow this mutual friendship way out of proportion, yaoi fangirls are born. Do not be surprised if random KAI even BRYAN, TALA, MAX or TYSON units attempt to kidnap your RAY unit, they are only doing what their deranged owners programmed them to do. (Please see the FAQs for possible course of action)

GRANGER TYSON: Despite being on the same team in their earlier years, their relationship can get quite rocky and at times both have different viewpoints. There are even instances when they will blade against each other to prove there point, though the KON RAY unit will almost always loss because the GRANGER TYSON unit cheats by having his companion, the DRAGOON unit do all the work. Despite this they always seem to find one way or another to resolve the matter and be friends again as the TYSON unit refuses to let a free meal ticket fly by.

TATE MAX: This little blond bundle of energy was team mate of the KON unit when on the Bladebreaker team. Though he is closer to the TYSON unit he gets along well with the RAY unit as well and somewhat sees him as an older brother unit. This unit's boundless energy can serve as a play mate when you're too pooped to keep up with your golden eyed kitty.

SUMERAGI DAICHI: this unit is often seen as a mini doppelganger of the GRANGER TYSON unit or the result of some genetic accident involving an array of ape genes and an energizer bunny. This unit serves no greater purpose than to annoy the TYSON unit distracting him long enough for the RAY unit to escape.

THE CHIEF: this vertically challenged unit seems to suffer from delusions of grandeur as he frequently thinks he's actually apart of the blading team when he's merely their glorified mechanic. However, he got his brief shot at blading fame (after threatening to tell the GRANGER G unit of the TYSON unit's secret porn stash) by battling in the third season. None the less because the KON RAY unit is one of nature's most kind and compassionate creatures (when his nap hasn't been interrupted) he will try to protect his asset from any and all danger. This whiney techno-geek is necessary for any KON RAY owner should they let their unit pursue fame on the blading circuit.

TATIBANA HILARY: this unit is seen as nothing more than a glorified cheerleader/groupie of the Bladebreakers mostly by fangirls and boys everywhere, yaoi and non-yaoi alike. She is also seen as a little sister by the KON RAY unit and she doesn't try to push the boundaries as the HILARY unit is too preoccupied with either, causing bodily harm to the DAICHI units and contemplating who she would rather stalk between the KAI and the TYSON units. However, her apparent 'crush' on the TYSON unit doesn't stop her from verbally or physically abusing him. Fear not for your KON RAY unit, this abuse is only limited to the TYSON and DAICHI units and she will settle for playing in the KON RAY's hair.

KUZNETSOV BRYAN: this unit, after bringing bodily harm to the KON RAY unit in the Russian Championships, ultimately lost the match to the RAY unit and now looks to return the favour. The BRYAN unit had a tendency to inflict harm upon the blader instead of the beyblade and has done serious damage to the KON unit in the past. Despite this psychosis, yaoi fangirls have no problem pairing the sweet kitten with the sadistic falcon.

DICKENSON STANLEY: the KON RAY unit was introduced to the rest of his soon to be team mates by this portly unit. He supposedly came up with the idea of beating the HIWATARI VOLTAIRE unit at his own game (because the pursuit of world domination is an amusing sport that should be left in the hands of pubescent and somewhat hormonal boys) with the Bladebreakers. The KON RAY unit respects this stout unit as he was his ticket out of the White Tiger Village.

TAO: a crazy crack-pot teacher unit of the White Tiger Village. Though the manufacturer doesn't know why, the KON RAY unit and his White Tiger crew seem to respect this nut-job of the highest order. If your neko-jin sweetie should misbehave which is highly unlikely, seek out this unit to regain order.

WARNING: Use of the TAO unit may result in mass hysteria and/or sever confusion as well as cross dressing. The manufacturer takes no responsibility for the mayhem that may be unleashed should the TAO unit's services be consulted.

Cleaning

KON RAY units should never look unsightly, and since they have a tendency to spend many hours training getting sweaty yet extremely muscely and drool worthy, they require meticulous cleaning and grooming as well as a wide array of skin and hair products to keep their long flowing hair and skin supple and silky. NOTE: while normally calm and polite, your unit may forcefully demand additional attention, usually when dealing with his hair. We suggest you give it to him.

WARNING: the manufacturer will not be held responsible for any marital or relationship disputes that arise from 'cleaning' a KON RAY unit. How you interpret 'additional attention' is completely up to you.

Feeding

Your KON RAY unit will require three balanced meals per day, with dairy based snacks and refreshments in between meals. Don't worry about the calories, your KON RAY (if you have anything to do with it) is overactive and therefore has a high metabolism and burns of those calories easily. It is advised that you include Vitamin E supplements to maintain a smooth and unblemished complexion as well as food rich in Vitamin A to keep his eyes glossy and clear. Treats are allowed, provided they are kept to a minimum. If your unit demands more sweets (though he probably won't because unlike the GRANGER TYSON unit, he doesn't want to impose) give him a different kind of treat, such as a belly rub or a massage.

Rest

Should your KON RAY unit ever develop unsightly bags under his eyes, you should be ashamed of yourselves! Ensure that he receives a minimum of ten hours sleep per night to keep him looking fresh.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I just got my new KON RAY a contract with Elite Magazine and he's done his first photo shoot! After that on our way home we keep bumping into roving hordes of deranged fangirls! They won't leave us alone and it's really creeping my KON RAY out. He hasn't gotten any sleep for two days straight and now he has suitcases under his eyes. HELP!

A: Great job on the contract but why the hell did you wait so long, that poor kitty! As for your problem, no need to worry. Just simply borrow any of your neighbourhood BRYAN, TALA or KAI units or buy your own, make sure they're in Slash mode and let em bond with your KON RAY. Once that happens, your KON RAY has his very own personal, amoral body guard who just so happens to be a scarily possessive badass. They'll get rid of your pest problem in no time (yaoi fans are deranged but they're not suicidal…hopefully). If you're not a yaoi fan or just want the little kitty all for yourself, simply get a GRANGER TYSON unit and tell him that he won't be getting any food until those free loaders are gone. They'll disappear before you can say 'DAMN!'

Q: I'm the only person on the block who owns a KON RAY unit. The individuality is great and all but their just happens to be five GRANGER TYSON units in the neighbourhood and all five of them keep popping up at all hours of the day screaming at my KON RAY that they're hungry. My KON RAY is too nice to tell them to take a hike and they just tell me that 'they're growing boys' when I try to show them the door. It's really shaving down my savings, what the hell should I do?

A: Yes, yes the KON RAY unit can sometimes be too kind for his own good, something the GRANGER TYSON frequently exploits, but fear not we do have a remedy. Unlike the KAI and TALA units the KUZNETSOV BRYAN unit is totally immune to the GRANGER TYSON's Befriender-Of-All mode which makes him perfect for getting rid of this specific pest problem. Just simply pair your KON RAY with a KUZNETSOV BRYAN and he'll man-handle, ahem, escort the GRANGER TYSONs to the door keeping your spending money on who it should rightly be spent on, your adorable KON RAY unit.

Q: My idiot, insensitive neighbours keep pitting their GRANGER TYSON and HIWATARI KAI units against each other in Kamikaze mode just for the heck of it. I put my KON RAY in Out of Character mode to stop him from dashing off into certain ruin but now he's swearing worse than a sailor and trying to claw me into oblivion. How do I get my sweet, precious kitten back without risking him hurting himself against the other two?

A: This is a tough one but we recommend moving to a new neighbourhood as not much can stop a HIWATARI KAI and a GRANGER TYSON when in Kamikaze mode, especially with each other. If a move isn't anywhere near your immediate futures we also suggest borrowing or purchasing a GRAMPA G unit and have him streak across the battlefield. The HIWATARI KAI and GRANGER TYSON units should pass out from shock and shame respectively. Threatening their owners to have your GRAMPA G do it again should prevent them from attempting this feat, at least anywhere near your KON RAY unit. This may seem like a radical and cruel approach but it's the only thing that will work. As for your KON RAY's Out of Character status simply bombard him with as much catnip and cream as possible, he should calm down in a day or too. If that doesn't work, shock him out of it with the GRAMPA G as well if you yourself haven't been traumatized, it's either that, or have a TAO unit talk to him for a few minutes. He'll be too confused to stop you from accessing his programming port and reprogramming his settings.

Q: A random HIWATARI KAI unit keeps stalking my KON RAY unit. I've always wanted to breed my KON RAY but not with a deranged emo phoenix! How can I get him to stop?

A: Sorry (but not really) to inform you of this but some yaoi fangirl has probably set her sights and her HIWATARI KAI on your KON RAY. Once the KAI unit sets its sight on something when in Slash mode, he won't stop until he gets it. A TAO or GRAMPA G unit may slow him down but stop him, no. We recommend purchasing a Mpreg kit and hope to Jehovah, Buddha and Allah that you get visitation rights to the kittens.

Q: …Umm, I kinda thought it would be cute to dress up my RAY in a ballerina costume complete with sparkly wings and wand. He took one look at it and his pupils did this neat Houdini trick, then everything went black. When I woke up there was this strange pain all over my bloody body and my house was in shambles. My RAY was on the rooftop hissing at me and cursing my existence to the fiery pits of Hell; I think his claws were boring holes into the concrete roof…Help?

A: …Sighs, let me guess, you either didn't read the manual or though the words were just there for decoration. Well, first thank the lord that you're still alive and breathing. Second, I see that your KON RAY is still hanging around so that can mean one of two things, either there's some marginal chance of your KON RAY forgiving your ignorant ass or he's slowly plotting your painful demise. Hope to Jehovah, Buddha and Allah that it's the former reason and promptly get on your hands and knees before the RAY unit with a few thousand baskets of assorted dairy products, gourmet fish and caviar. Repeatedly ask for forgiveness and profess loudly to the heavens that it will never happen again, kiss the ground at his feet if you have to…he should be satisfied and calm down (hopefully)

Troubleshooting

Problem: You came home to discover a half full jar of mayonnaise and candy wrappers on your kitchen counter. There are piles of dirty dishes in the sink and an array of different foods as well as your RAY is missing.

Solution: No need to worry, a neighbourhood TATE MAX unit and his accomplice, ahem, friend GRANGER TYSON has probably stopped by. Your KON RAY has more than likely taken the other two out for ice cream or blading (they're not cutting themselves I swear!) to save your home from further damage and pillaging. He's a martial arts expert and has DRIGER with him so he should return safely home albeit slightly stressed (Hey, extended periods with exposure to those two will definitely set any one off ask any KAI unit!). We suggest giving him a bubble bath and a nice massage when he gets home.

Problem: You and your MARIAH unit are watching tv waiting for the KON RAY unit to return from the store when you both hear a loud commotion outside. When you went to investigate, you discover that your RAY has been smashed into itty bitty pieces and a LEE unit is making off with your MARIAH unit while you scream your head off.

Solution: I warned you didn't I? Your KON RAY most likely encountered a WONG LEE in Overprotective Brother mode. He was most likely tipped off by a yaoi fangirl. There's nothing else to do than to pick up the pieces, order a new KON RAY or a different unit and remember the lesson learned; fangirls, especially deranged ones, are vicious.

Final Note

Your neko-jin sweetie will grow up to be prettier than you yourself can ever hope to get and will possess an exceptional talent for just about anything he puts his mind to (except beating the KAI and TYSON units, but don't tell him that). With that in mind, you will be blessed with a lifetime of joy, koneko antics and devotion more faithful than Lassie with the patented KON RAY unit. Ensure that he is well cared for after your death by entrusting him to a kind and responsible friend or family member.

...OR ELSE

redsky: so that's it for this one, please review...or I'll send a TYSON unit to eat you out of house and home while I and a TALA unit laugh.

I'm kidding...mostly! ;)