Narrator here. I know, I know, it's been done before, but I'm kinda stuck on my first official Kenshin fic and, well, this has been kicking around in my head, getting in the way. It's a bunch of things I either wish had happened and/or my warped mind came up with spontaneously. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Period.
Rurouni Kenshin Outtakes
Scene where Kenshin is giving Kaoru the hilt of his sakabatou to prove he's not a murderer.
Kaoru: (takes hold of the hilt and pulls; it doesn't come out)
Kenshin: (whisper) Try pulling a little harder.
Kaoru: (pulls harder) It's stuck! Kenshin, what did you do to it?
Off-camera shot of Saitou snickering as he holds a can of glue behind his back
Kenshin: Oro? Hey, you're not supposed to know my name yet!
Kaoru: (yanks really hard; sakabatou comes out suddenly, causing her to fall over) Aaaaah! (stands up very quickly and looks at the sword) Hey, the blade's on the wrong side!
Kenshin: (laughing too hard to talk)
Director: Cut!
Scene where Gohei's about to cut Kaoru in half and Kenshin rescues her just in time.
Kaoru: (looks at the stub of her bokken) Shimatta!
Gohei: (raises his sword to "kill" her)
LOOOOOOOOOOOONG WAIT
Gohei: (lowers sword and looks to his right) Hey, Kenshin! Get your butt out here!
Kenshin: (off the set) Stupid sakabatou! I can't believe you're stuck again…Hey, this stuff is glue! Saitou, I'm going to kick your ^*%@ ass!
Kaoru: Kenshin, you don't need it for this scene.
Kenshin: Oh yeah…
Kaoru, Gohei and "dead" policemen slap their foreheads.
Director: Cut! Saitou, no more playing with the glue!
Scene from above, take two:
Kaoru: (looks at the stub of her bokken) Shimatta!
Gohei: (raises his sword to "kill" her)
Kenshin: (rushes in, scoops Kaoru out from under the descending blade…trips, sending both him and Kaoru flying) Orororoooo!
Kaoru: Itai!
Hiko: (walks onto set, looks down at Kenshin) Baka deshi, can't even rescue a girl without screwing up. (takes a swig of sake)
Kenshin: M…master?
Director: Cut! Hiko, what the hell are you doing?
Scene where Kenshin rushes into Kaoru's bath because he thinks she's about to commit suicide.
Kenshin: (pushes open door) Stop! Don't kill your…!
Kaoru: (shocked look on her face)
Kenshin: (drools) Huminna, huminna, huminna!
Kaoru: Kenshin no hentai! (stands up to slap him)
Kenshin and entire male cast and crew faint from massive nosebleeds.
Kaoru: Oopsie…er, cut?
Scene from above, take two:
Kenshin: (pushes open door) Stop! Don't kill your…! ("trips" and falls headfirst into the tub)
Kaoru: Kenshin!
Kenshin: (surfaces with a thoughtful look on his face) We're definitely going to need a bigger tub, de gozaru yo.
Kaoru: (hentai grin) I dunno…this one's pretty cozy, don't you think?
Kenshin: ^-^x Yeah…
Sanosuke: (off stage) Oi! Get a room you two!
Kenshin: Hm, good idea…(starts to pick Kaoru up)
Director: Cut! Cut! For the love of Kami-sama, cut! This is not a hentai anime series we're making here people!
Kenshin and Kaoru: Nuts.
Scene on the bridge where Kenshin's just given Yahiko his wallet.
Yahiko: (looks at the wallet in his hand in shock, then at Kenshin's back; angrily throws the wallet…and accidentally beans Kaoru in the head)
Kaoru: @_@ Oh, lookit the pretty stars! (faints)
Kenshin: Kaoru-dono! (catches her)
Yahiko: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Is she okay?! Did I hurt her?! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I made her faint! I'm such a terrible person! (begins sobbing uncontrollably)
Kenshin: o_Ox Yahiko…dude, chill.
Yahiko: (runs away, wailing about hurting "Kaoru-sama")
Director: Will someone go after him? Cut!
Scene from above, take two:
Yahiko: (looks at the wallet in his hand in shock, then at Kenshin's back; angrily throws the wallet at Kenshin's head)
Kenshin: (whirls around and slices the wallet in half) Ha ha! No on can defeat the godlike speed of my Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu! (flashes a victory sign)
Kaoru: Kenshin no baka…
Director: Cut! Himura! No more caffeine or I'll let Saitou have the glue again!
Scene where Zanza (a.k.a. Sanosuke) challenges Kenshin and rips the cover off of his really big sword (The Narrator has forgotten the exact name).
Yahiko: His sword is huge!
Kaoru: Do you think he's compensating for something?
Zanza: Hey!
Kenshin: (looks down at his sakabatou) I guess that means that I…
Zanza: HEY!
Kaoru: Kenshin! (points to Ayame and Suzume)
Kenshin: Oops…gomen, Ayame-chan, Suzume-chan.
Ayame: I don't get it.
Suzume: Me neither. Maybe we can ask the Director to explain it…
Director: Eep! Cut!
Scene from above, take two:
Yahiko: Whoa! He really is compensating for something!
Zanza: Why you little…! (starts chasing Yahiko around with the really big sword)
Director: Hee hee! Oh, right…cut!
Scene from "Death match Under the Moon" where Kenshin has just walked into the clearing where Jin-ei's holding Kaoru captive.
Kaoru: Kenshin!
Jin-ei: Those are good eyes. He is angry.
Kenshin: Oh yes. Angry at you for involving Kaoru-dono and at myself for not stopping you. (pulls a .9 mm out of Hakama-Space and points it a Jin-ei) Omae o korosu. *deathglare*
Jin-ei and Kaoru: *sweatdrop*
Yahiko: (off stage) Heero Yuy, he ain't.
Director: Cut! Kenshin, how many times have I told you to leave your firearms at home?
Scene where Jin-ei has just done the Shin-no Ippou thing that's supposed to make him invincible.
Jin-ei: (grins maniacally and slices a boulder repeatedly)
Kenshin: Oh, wow, you just wasted a rock. I'm so friggin' scared.
Kaoru: What did that rock ever do to you? How would you like it if someone came up and hacked you to bits?
Jin-ei: I wouldn't like that at all. Kaoru-san, you have shown me the error of my ways. I will never hurt another rock again! (falls on the boulder and starts weeping)
Kenshin: Does this mean you're not going to fight me now?
Jin-ei: I said rocks, not humans, you dolt.
Kenshin: *sweatdrop*
Director: Cut! That was too weird, even for you, Jin-ei.
Things Rurouni Kenshin Characters Would Never Say (at least, we hope not…)
Kenshin
Ah! It's true! I wear pink! (sobs)
But I don't wanna do the laundry…
Honestly, is my voice femmy?
Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu, Do Ryu Sen! Oops, gomen Yahiko, didn't see you there…
Shishio, love what you did with your hair!
The squirrels are coming! Hide me, hide me! (cowers behind Kaoru)
Ow.
Kaoru
Saitou-chan! (glomp)
Kenshin? I dunno where he is and frankly, I don't give a damn!
Shit, I just broke a nail! I've had it with this martial arts stuff! (throws bokken down and stomps away) If anyone wants me, I'll be arranging flowers!
(singing) "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother…"
Yahiko
Kaoru-sama!
I'm weak! And I need some help!
Yahiko-kun, Yahiko-chan, same difference.
Kenshin? Personally, I think he's a little femmy.
Sanosuke
(smoking a pipe) Elementary, my dear Kenshin. It is all a simple matter of deduction. See here, where the tracks seem to be pointing to the forest…(goes on and on, through a trail of brilliant logic an observation).
Saitou, old buddy, what say I buy you a drink?
Megumi
Gomen nasai, Kaoru-san!
Ew, Kenshin, get away from me!
Seriously though, I'm not really a doctor. I've only watched every episode of General Hospital and Diagnosis Murder.
Saitou
I need a hug.
*cough cough* That's *wheeze* it! No more cigarettes! Where are those damn Nicorette patches?
Can't we all just get along?
(sings) "It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all…!" (I have no idea where that one came from. Scary thing is, I can actually picture it)
(Saitou on a sugar high. I would not want to be on the cleanup crew)
Aoshi
I don't care who is the strongest, so long as I get my latte!
Misao-chan, give Aoshi-sama a hug!
Does this suit make my butt look big?
Misao
Dammit Aoshi, lighten up!
My name's Misao and I'm a caffeine-aholic…