Thoughts of a tiger
by Komillia ([email protected])
--------------
My thoughts on what Kisa could have been thinking before going back to the classroom.
A lot of thoughts here, but I think I heard somewhere that Kisa is a person who often
thinks too much.
Onee-chan means "big sister" in Japanese and that's what Kisa calls Tohru.
Okaa-san means "mother".
Sumimasen means "excuse me".
Teachers are called [insert last name]-sensei by their students.
Haru is just short for Hatsuharu. I can't remember if Kisa calls Hatsuharu that but
Momiji does and I think Haru sounds pretty cute. ^_^
--------------
I hesitate. My eyes stare down on the floor. My brown eyes... the ones that people
has always found so weird. So different. The sound of the clock hanging on the wall
stresses me. The smell of lemony soap had reaches my nostrils. It is the same as
always.
I can hear the voices of the teacher through the door. The children answer his
questions. How strange, I don't even think of them as my classmates anymore.
What will change once I get back into the classroom? I'll go to my seat, sit down,
take my books and try to listen to the teacher. Will they even notice that I'm back?
What if they don't? What if they pretend that I'm not there? They will. They don't
care.
It hurts. It hurts so much. I see the look in their eyes. I hear them. They look
at me as if I'm different. They talk about me as if I'm a freak. Yes, I am different.
Yes, I am a freak. I can't help it. I didn't ask to be born this way. I didn't ask
to be turned into a tiger whenever I get hugged by a guy or get weak. I didn't ask
for my blonde hair or my brown eyes.
"She was bullied."
I hear Hatsuharu's voice within me. I bit him. I hurt him. Now that I think about it,
I find it strange that he didn't turn into Black Haru when I bit him. And onee-chan..
I bit her too, twice. It must have hurt. I'm glad that onee-chan and Haru didn't
ignore me. Some do that. When some people get angry they ignore the person they are
mad at. I hate that. I hate people pretending that I don't exist.
Why can't they see me?! Why can they only see my face, my hair, my eyes? I'm the
same as them on the inside, why can't they understand?! Okaa-san knows how I am but
she doesn't understand me in another way.
Why can't people understand? Is it so hard for people to look into one's eyes and see
what's wrong? Oh, I forgot. People do look into my eyes. But they only see my brown
eyes. Momiji has brown eyes too. He is happy. No one ignores him. Then why me, why
was I chosen to be ignored?
"Love yourself."
That was what the student counselor wrote in the letter. What is there to love about
me? I am different. I am one of the Juunishi. A tiger. The fearless, brave and proud
tiger. I'm not fearless. I'm afraid. I'm ashamed of myself.
Ashamed?
I raised my gaze and look at the door handle. What am I ashamed of? Am I ashamed
because I am different? What's so bad about me really? I turn into a tiger, but no
one knows that. So what's wrong with having blonde hair or brown eyes? Is it because
I don't look Japanese? There are others who have blonde hair and brown eyes. I'm not
the only one. What can possibly be so bad about me so that they pick me out of so
many others?
I put my hand on the door handle. I promised everyone that I wouldn't run away. I
told them that I would go back to school. Now here I am. How long have I been
standing here? They'll be a little mad if I show up late.
I slid the door open and I hold my head up high. The teacher looks up from a text
book and notices me. The children, my "classmates", notice me. Those who sit in the
front rows stare, surprised. The ones in the back rows lean over their desks to see
who I am. All the eyes in the classroom are on me.
I open my mouth and speak. My voice isn't as strong as the voice that resides inside
me.
"Sumimasen Inoue-sensei," I apologize and bow. "I didn't mean to be late."
Inoue-sensei nods slowly.
"It's okay, Kisa-chan," she says. "Please take your seat."
I look towards my seat. It's already taken by someone. They must have re-arranged the
seat while I was gone. I walk towards the only seat that has been left. It's the one
in the middle of the front row. Everybody can see me. I hear whispering behind my
back.
Several hours later, I leave the school. The other children are walking together, in
many small groups. Everyone has someone to talk to, to share a joke or a story with.
Everyone except for me.
Suddenly I look forth. Haru stands not that far away, leaning against a wall. He
looks calm and serene, which he always does when he's not black Haru. I almost smiled
to myself. I wondered if Haru got lost on his way to my school or if he had someone
who showed him his way.
"Kisa, I've come to walk you home."
"Okay..." I say quietly.
"See you tomorrow, Souma-san!"
Both Haru and I react at that, we're both used to being called Souma-san. That if
there is someone who doesn't ignore me. I look to my left side and see two girls
waving goodbye to me. Those two girls are in another class and we've never talked to
each other before. Yet they say goodbye to me?
Confused, I slowly raise my hand and wave back. Haru smile at me and ruffles my hair
a little.
"You made friends already?"
I don't say anything. I just nod. While walking home, Haru does a few attempts to
start up a conversation with me. I answer him mostly with short and precise answers.
He says goodbye to me once I reach my house and then leave to get back to his own.
When I'm inside, I find the house silent.
Instantly I know that mother is out shopping for groceries and father is still
working. Not use saying "I'm home".
I take off my shoes and head directly for my room. After setting down my bag, I go to
lie down on my bed. As I stare up at the ceiling, I think.
I don't know those girls who said goodbye to me and they don't know me. I don't know
if they said goodbye to me just out of pity or because they felt bad. Maybe even
because they just wanted be noticed by Haru.
And I return to ponder on a question I had asked myself earlier:
"What's so bad about me really?"
I haven't turned around to face my problems yet. I've just stopped running.
by Komillia ([email protected])
--------------
My thoughts on what Kisa could have been thinking before going back to the classroom.
A lot of thoughts here, but I think I heard somewhere that Kisa is a person who often
thinks too much.
Onee-chan means "big sister" in Japanese and that's what Kisa calls Tohru.
Okaa-san means "mother".
Sumimasen means "excuse me".
Teachers are called [insert last name]-sensei by their students.
Haru is just short for Hatsuharu. I can't remember if Kisa calls Hatsuharu that but
Momiji does and I think Haru sounds pretty cute. ^_^
--------------
I hesitate. My eyes stare down on the floor. My brown eyes... the ones that people
has always found so weird. So different. The sound of the clock hanging on the wall
stresses me. The smell of lemony soap had reaches my nostrils. It is the same as
always.
I can hear the voices of the teacher through the door. The children answer his
questions. How strange, I don't even think of them as my classmates anymore.
What will change once I get back into the classroom? I'll go to my seat, sit down,
take my books and try to listen to the teacher. Will they even notice that I'm back?
What if they don't? What if they pretend that I'm not there? They will. They don't
care.
It hurts. It hurts so much. I see the look in their eyes. I hear them. They look
at me as if I'm different. They talk about me as if I'm a freak. Yes, I am different.
Yes, I am a freak. I can't help it. I didn't ask to be born this way. I didn't ask
to be turned into a tiger whenever I get hugged by a guy or get weak. I didn't ask
for my blonde hair or my brown eyes.
"She was bullied."
I hear Hatsuharu's voice within me. I bit him. I hurt him. Now that I think about it,
I find it strange that he didn't turn into Black Haru when I bit him. And onee-chan..
I bit her too, twice. It must have hurt. I'm glad that onee-chan and Haru didn't
ignore me. Some do that. When some people get angry they ignore the person they are
mad at. I hate that. I hate people pretending that I don't exist.
Why can't they see me?! Why can they only see my face, my hair, my eyes? I'm the
same as them on the inside, why can't they understand?! Okaa-san knows how I am but
she doesn't understand me in another way.
Why can't people understand? Is it so hard for people to look into one's eyes and see
what's wrong? Oh, I forgot. People do look into my eyes. But they only see my brown
eyes. Momiji has brown eyes too. He is happy. No one ignores him. Then why me, why
was I chosen to be ignored?
"Love yourself."
That was what the student counselor wrote in the letter. What is there to love about
me? I am different. I am one of the Juunishi. A tiger. The fearless, brave and proud
tiger. I'm not fearless. I'm afraid. I'm ashamed of myself.
Ashamed?
I raised my gaze and look at the door handle. What am I ashamed of? Am I ashamed
because I am different? What's so bad about me really? I turn into a tiger, but no
one knows that. So what's wrong with having blonde hair or brown eyes? Is it because
I don't look Japanese? There are others who have blonde hair and brown eyes. I'm not
the only one. What can possibly be so bad about me so that they pick me out of so
many others?
I put my hand on the door handle. I promised everyone that I wouldn't run away. I
told them that I would go back to school. Now here I am. How long have I been
standing here? They'll be a little mad if I show up late.
I slid the door open and I hold my head up high. The teacher looks up from a text
book and notices me. The children, my "classmates", notice me. Those who sit in the
front rows stare, surprised. The ones in the back rows lean over their desks to see
who I am. All the eyes in the classroom are on me.
I open my mouth and speak. My voice isn't as strong as the voice that resides inside
me.
"Sumimasen Inoue-sensei," I apologize and bow. "I didn't mean to be late."
Inoue-sensei nods slowly.
"It's okay, Kisa-chan," she says. "Please take your seat."
I look towards my seat. It's already taken by someone. They must have re-arranged the
seat while I was gone. I walk towards the only seat that has been left. It's the one
in the middle of the front row. Everybody can see me. I hear whispering behind my
back.
Several hours later, I leave the school. The other children are walking together, in
many small groups. Everyone has someone to talk to, to share a joke or a story with.
Everyone except for me.
Suddenly I look forth. Haru stands not that far away, leaning against a wall. He
looks calm and serene, which he always does when he's not black Haru. I almost smiled
to myself. I wondered if Haru got lost on his way to my school or if he had someone
who showed him his way.
"Kisa, I've come to walk you home."
"Okay..." I say quietly.
"See you tomorrow, Souma-san!"
Both Haru and I react at that, we're both used to being called Souma-san. That if
there is someone who doesn't ignore me. I look to my left side and see two girls
waving goodbye to me. Those two girls are in another class and we've never talked to
each other before. Yet they say goodbye to me?
Confused, I slowly raise my hand and wave back. Haru smile at me and ruffles my hair
a little.
"You made friends already?"
I don't say anything. I just nod. While walking home, Haru does a few attempts to
start up a conversation with me. I answer him mostly with short and precise answers.
He says goodbye to me once I reach my house and then leave to get back to his own.
When I'm inside, I find the house silent.
Instantly I know that mother is out shopping for groceries and father is still
working. Not use saying "I'm home".
I take off my shoes and head directly for my room. After setting down my bag, I go to
lie down on my bed. As I stare up at the ceiling, I think.
I don't know those girls who said goodbye to me and they don't know me. I don't know
if they said goodbye to me just out of pity or because they felt bad. Maybe even
because they just wanted be noticed by Haru.
And I return to ponder on a question I had asked myself earlier:
"What's so bad about me really?"
I haven't turned around to face my problems yet. I've just stopped running.