Like a Duck

First off, I know this title is kinda weird but it has meaning so just read to the end, okay? On my last long story, "To Hell and Back" I had a scene with Spike and in a review, Tiny05 suggested I get into an idea that I had thrown out. So, while not necessary to read that one, if you want to get some of the context of where this idea came from scan Chapters 6-8. I don't own Flashpoint but I'd love to hear what you think of this, it's a little out of my element so we'll see how it goes. SPOILERS: "Fault Lines," "One Wrong Move," "No Promises."

"So, Spike, it's been a while. How are things going?"

"Well, I'm here so it's a pretty safe bet that things aren't great." He said bitterly before readjusting himself on the firm couch and shaking his head. "I'm sorry-" He started.

"It's okay Spike. I hear that things have been pretty stressful lately." Spike smiled a bit as he thought of how that had to have been the biggest understatement of the century. Doc Luria had a calming smile and a cool voice that portrayed confidence but also softness; he relaxed ever so slightly as he took a few breaths. He had to admit, if he was going to be mandated to go to counseling, he was at least glad they'd assigned him to her, at least she knew about the stresses of the job and the way that things worked. She also knew the other members of the team, a definite plus. He was just overall angry about the way that things were going the past few months, especially angry about the past few days.

"You can say that." He said vaguely, a little bitterness still in his tone. She nodded.

"Well, I haven't really seen you or the team in a while, how are things at work?" She asked, obviously fishing. He didn't really mind, he knew that she was trying to ease into things. The Doc used to ride along with them on calls and give them some insight into the subject's mindset but budget cuts eliminated her job. Though she wasn't seeing them as often as she used to, she was still on as one of the department psychiatrists. He shrugged.

"Things are fine." He seemed noncommittal but he broke eye contact and looked at his hands. She smiled a bit and leaned forward.

"I know it isn't your choice to be here, Spike." She said knowingly as he looked up at her. "I hear that they got Dr. Toth to do your psych evaluations this year and he's not exactly known for being gentle. You've had a tough couple of years and I gather, from some of Toth's and Greg's notes that there's even more beyond that." Spike looked at his hands again and she knew that she was hitting a nerve. "Even if you don't want to be here, you are, and that's a good thing Spike. Even if you don't think I can help, will you let me try?" She asked softly, letting the room fall back to silence. He had hoped that this would be an easy thing but he knew that it wouldn't be.

After all the things that Toth had gotten him to say, all those stupid polygraph results, he knew that he wouldn't be allowed to qualify until he got some kind of counseling. Even though he knew it was coming, he still wasn't happy. In fact, he was angrier than ever. How could Greg do this to us? The question ran through his mind again as he felt the sting of betrayal in the tightness of his chest. He was already losing his father, his family ties, but now he had to deal with losing the team and his best friends all over again. He felt himself making fists despite his attempts to stay calm, something that obviously wasn't overlooked by the psychiatrist in front of him.

"Spike, tell me what you're thinking." She asked softly as he bit the inside of his lip and took a breath.

"I'm just pissed off." Bitterness was in his voice again as he took a few breaths to calm himself down. "I'm just really angry at everyone and everything." She nodded and let the silence grow again, hoping that he would fill the void. "I'm pissed at Greg for calling in an outsider to do the evals, Hollaran for calling in Toth..." He was thinking about the rest of the list in his head but he was afraid to vocalize it.

"What else?" She asked knowingly, his expression giving away more than he realized. He shrugged.

"A lot of stuff." He shrugged again but say the look on her face and knew that that wasn't a good enough answer. "Just...a lot of stuff. Some of it's rational and some of it's not." He tried to explain but eventually shook his head and picked at his nails as he spoke. "I'm pissed Toth brought up Lou in the psych eval and that the boss didn't stop him." He stopped speaking and though she knew that he still had more on his list she was glad that he'd brought it up.

"I know that it was really tough for you when Lou died." She said gently. She had sat with all the members of Team One after that incident and while they all felt guilty and they were all grieving, Spike was hit the hardest. Not only had he lost his teammate to a bomb, his area of expertise, but he'd also lost a best friend. She had been worried about his post traumatic guilt and insomnia at that time but he'd fulfilled the amount of appointments he'd needed to see her and there was nothing she could do to stop him from going back to work. She'd hoped that spending time with his team and getting back into a normal routine would help but it seemed that he'd just pushed the guilt down and let it fester and compound.

"I miss him, is that so wrong?" He asked, almost a pleading quality to his voice. She shook her head.

"It's not wrong to miss your friend, Spike." She said confidently. "You can miss him but it's the guilt that could be a problem."

"Yeah, well there's no way of getting rid of that one Doc." He said as he shook his head again. "As long as I think that the weight transfer would have worked, as long as I question whether it was the right thing to send him out there, as long as I wrack my brain to think of some other option I'm not going to be able to forgive myself for that." He spoke with sad confidence, as if he'd already tried and failed to alleviate some of the crushing emotions. She nodded in understanding but was a bit surprised by his persistence. Spike had always been very open to the idea that there was always a way to make things better; usually it was applied to his robots or computers but he always tried to see room for improvement. The fact that he was so set in his guilt was a little worrying.

"That sounds really overwhelming, Spike." He shrugged.

"I try not to think about it much." He said softly as he again looked towards his hands.

"Does that work? Trying not to think about it?" She asked curiously. She understood that the way his brain worked he could possibly be doing so many things and thinking about so many things that maybe he could push away those memories but something was telling her that they'd been coming up again.

"It did for a while." He said vaguely and softly.

"What changed?"

"My dad..." He seemed to be thinking of a way to say what was on his mind but words wouldn't come to him lips. Luria had read about what Spike had disclosed in Toth's report but she wanted him to give his own account without all the stress that surrounded the evaluation. "My dad stopped talking to me...stopped sitting in the same room with me, basically pretends I don't exist until...until I quit my job." Luria nodded, knowing that wasn't all. "It started the day that we lost Lou and...and now things are getting bad because he's..." he paused again and took a few breaths before continuing. "the doctors say he doesn't have a lot of time...lung cancer." He explained as Luria nodded.

"I'm sorry Spike, that must be exceptionally difficult for you. I know how important your family is to you and how much you love your job." He nodded but didn't say anything. "Can I ask why he isn't talking to you?" She asked quietly. He thought a moment.

"He's afraid I'm going to get hurt...going to die on the job." He almost seemed calm as he spoke. She nodded but had a curious look on his face. "I've reconciled that option, I've faced that fact and I thought that he had also but obviously not." He shrugged again and spoke quickly. "I mean I kind of get it. He's thinking in the long run. After...after he's gone he...he doesn't want my mom to be alone and be worried about me but..." He trailed off and shook his head.

"You know where he's coming from, Spike." She said knowingly as he nodded without looking up. "He might not be going about things in the right way and he might have timed everything badly but you love your job and he has to see that too. You guys have your bad days, sure, but you also have great days and he's bound to see that at some point." She offered, knowing that she was doing a delicate balance. She wanted to take Spike's side and let him feel like he was right but she also didn't want to make his father the bad guy in everything and further create a wedge between them.

"I know." He said confidently. "I have faith in what we do and my father...well he's never been a real fan of my job." He shrugged. "I just...I always had other people supporting me instead of him." He explained quickly as Luria nodded.

"You mean like Sergeant MacCoy?" She asked gently. His muscles tensed for an instant at the mention of his name but he took a breath and nodded.

"Yeah, yeah Mac always had my back on and off the job." He said with a nod.

"I know that his death was pretty recent. Are you okay talking about it right now?" She asked softly. She really wanted to talk about Mac and the influence that he'd had on Spike's life and his sanity over the past years but she also realized that he was opening up a lot on his own and she didn't want to push him and have him shut down. She wanted to keep her methods as far from the psych evaluation as possible because she knew that the moment she hit a nerve that wasn't ready to be hit Spike would close off and she'd lose a chance at talking to him. He seemed to think for a long time before shrugging.

"Maybe another time Doc..." He said simply. He seemed to be grateful to be given the chance to not talk about it so Luria figured that she'd won a few points with that one.

"Okay Spike, maybe another time." She repeated to make sure that he knew the topic wasn't being dropped. She let silence fall between them to see if Spike would say anything but after a few moments she redirected the conversation. "You said something earlier, about some of your anger being rational and some of it not being rational, what do you mean by that?" She asked curiously, a sympathetic smile on her face. "Because everything you've brought up has been very rational," She added, making sure that he knew she understood his anger. He rubbed at his temples for a moment before speaking.

"Yeah, there's other stuff that just...it doesn't make sense." He said with a bit of frustration.

"Even if emotions aren't rational sometimes, they're real. It doesn't matter if they make sense, you're still feeling them and they're important." He seemed to think about her words for a moment before nodding slowly. He looked off a bit as he spoke quietly.

"I'm mad at Ed for...for getting shot." He saw the absurdity in his statement and was shook his head before continuing. "And I'm mad at Hollaran for making him stay longer...And if the boss hadn't called for an outside evaluation than none of this would have happened." Spike was getting more visibly angry as he rose his voice and made fists again. "Ed wouldn't have given them his gun, he would have been able to protect himself and we'd all be together." He was trying to keep himself calm it was obvious that this was one of the main stems of his anger. Luria nodded and let him calm down for a moment before speaking.

"Have you heard form Ed recently?" She asked.

"Yeah, yeah I called a few days ago. He's okay, through and through shot to the shoulder. And the baby's okay." He said simply as he continued to take breaths and calm down. Luria knew she had to tread carefully. Spike had just had to face the serious injury of yet another friend and team member and he was inevitably feeling the helplessness he felt when he couldn't do anything to save Lou, but she also felt like it was deeper than Ed getting hurt.

"It sounds like you're the most mad at Greg." She stated cautiously. It wasn't a question but based on the tone Spike knew that he was supposed to answer. He shrugged and nodded slightly.

"Yeah, yeah I'm mad at the boss." He said simply, not looking at Luria. "He called for the outside evaluation, he let Toth break us down, and he let them split us up." There was definitely anger in Spike's tone but there was something else also, there was hurt and pain in his voice. She knew that the team was only temporarily split up, just long enough for everyone to fulfill their different requirements to re-qualify and for Hollaran to look over the reports with his commanding officers but it was obvious that Spike was feeling a deep loss.

"Why do you think Greg did those things though?" She asked gently, hoping that this would pan out well. He shook his head and seemed to recite the words from his memory.

"He didn't trust himself to be objective, it was in the best interest of the team, there are lives at stake everyday..." He didn't seem to believe any of these reasons and seemed to be growing frustrated.

"You don't think any of those are valid reasons?" She asked curiously as he shook his head.

"Sure they're valid." He shrugged and spoke quickly. "They're just as good reasons as any but just because something's not wrong doesn't mean that it's right." He seemed heated as Luria nodded. She gave him a moment to calm down before speaking again. She thought hard about what to say next and felt the need to be exceptionally cautious but she spoke slowly and softly, knowing that it had to be said.

"He might not have gone about things in the right way and he might have timed things badly but you know where he's coming from." She chose her wording carefully as she tried to let him draw the parallels himself. She saw it in his eyes, the words connecting with the ones previously said, with the feelings of betrayal that he'd unconsciously expressed as she nodded.

"You're family...your father turned his back on you and now you feel like Greg's abandoned and betrayed you and the team. You feel like your second family is being broken apart and you don't know what to make of that." She said slowly, trying to read his practiced face of calm. "You're not wrong for feeling that way and it's not irrational to blame Greg for some of the pain you're feeling, just like it's not irrational to blame your father for some of the pain, but do you see the overlap?" She asked, hoping that she hadn't stepped too far. He simply nodded and sat in silence for a few minutes, his face a blank slate of intense thinking.

"I don't think of Greg like a father." He said simply, a bit of confusion breaking through in his tone as he tried to reconcile the new connections.

"Maybe consciously you don't," She agreed. She knew that the dynamic could be seen with a lot of the members of Team One but she also knew that they weren't (for the most part) aware of it. "and you don't have to in order to feel the same way you do about your dad." He was listening intently now as she spoke. "When your father stopped speaking to you, who did you confide in?" She asked knowingly.

"Mac." He whispered. She nodded before continuing.

"And when he was killed who did you talk to?" She asked softly. She saw him starting to shake his head but she quickly revised the question. "Who did you want to talk to?" He paused a moment before speaking.

"The boss." He whispered again before speaking. "I wanted to talk to him...I was going to, I was just waiting for the right time but then the evaluation came up..." She nodded, knowing that he'd put the pieces together and was starting to understand how interconnected his emotional, personal, and work lives were. She glanced at the clock on the wall and knew that she needed to be wrapping things up, though she hated to stop the momentum they had going. She smiled a bit as she sat up and looked at Spike in the eye.

"Spike, you remind me of a duck." She said seriously as he smiled and a question came to his expression.

"Yeah, how so?" He asked, amused and glad that he could have a minute to breath again.

"Well, you're alway cool and collected on the surface. It seems like not a whole lot gets to you, I mean you had one of the best profilers on the force shocked at some of the things you said during your evaluation." He nodded, knowing that he always had a happy face on, even if it was a complete lie.

"But even though you seem calm on the surface, you're just paddling like hell underneath. You're fighting so many battles in your life, your brain is going a million different directions and left and right you've got something else to deal with." She explained as he thought for a moment and smiled.

"Well, slap a beak on me and call me Donald." He laughed a bit as they both smiled. She was glad to see him a bit calmer than when he'd walked into the office and she spoke as she moved behind her desk and wrote something on a piece of paper.

"Spike, I'm going to sign your clearance forms and let Commander Hollaran put you back on duty," She saw the smile on his face but she grew serious again as she signed another line on the form. "But I'm going to be seeing you next week, and for a while, at least a couple of months this time." She explained before handing him his copy of the forms.

"I hear you Doc." He said as he glanced at the paper and folded it to slip in his pocket. "I'll be here."

"Good. Same time next week?" She asked as he nodded and stood. "And Spike," She called out as he turned to leave the office. "Keep on swimming but remember that it's okay to show how hard you're paddling."

Okay, that was my one-shot. There is no more...I don't think...not unless someone gives me a really good idea but I don't think there's any more. I originally had another idea I was going to pursue with this but I just loved the flow I had going. Also, I was never a huge Luria fan in the show (I felt like her job was a little repetitive considering Greg was doing the same things as her) but it's always good to have a name to reference. Thanks to Tiny05 for this idea. Tell me what you think.

And P.S.: The duck thing, though I wish I could take credit, isn't mine. There's a quote, "Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath." by Michael Caine. I've always loved it, and it just kind of fit here.