A long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Mary Magdalene, queen of all whores, was having sex with…

"HARDER! HARDER!" screamed Mary Magdalene.

"I can't help it; I have erectile dysfunction disorder!" shouted Jesus. He stood up and tightened his loincloth. "Now, Mary, don't sleep with anyone while I save lives and make miracles and stuff. It'll make us both look bad."

"Okay!" said Mary Magdalene, brushing her hair.

Jesus left, and Mary Magdalene smiled evilly.

"Hey," she whispered. "Judas. He's gone."

Judas took off his stuffed animal disguise and vomited up tequila. "That's fucking awesome," he said. "Let's fuck!"

So…they did! And Jesus forgot his shoes, so he came back while Mary Magdalene and Judas were in mid-fuck!

"YOU WHORE!" screamed Jesus, throwing stones at her. "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

"FUCK YOU, JESUS!" screamed Mary Magdalene. "YOUR DICK DOESN'T WORK AND I WANT KIDS!"

"I BOUGHT YOU A FUCKING GOAT LAST SUMMER!" shouted Jesus. "AND WITH HIM! YOU LOW LIFE! SOMEONE'S GOING TO WRITE A SONG ABOUT YOU, JUDAS, AND IT WON'T EVEN SOUND GOOD!"

"True," said the ghostly apparition of Mother Mons†er.

Then, Jesus was set on fire, crucified, and eaten by Nazis, and Judas proposed marriage to Mary Magdalene, who promptly was stoned. The End.