No More Hiding

Erik's hand reached out before him, and pressed against the dark wood of the door. Raven was standing close to him, both eager and nervous. Her hands had been twisting together ever since they had arrived, and their altercation with the boys in the house had done nothing to calm her. In the end Erik and Raven had been pointed in the right direction, when it was made clear they hadn't come for a fight. Still, they had arrived at a room that had never been in use during their time of training, and it felt as if they were intruding.

It was an office, apparently having been once used for someone's business correspondence. The heavy desk before them was covered with stationary, and pens, which had an old and well used feel about them. This had been Xavier senior's study, and it seemed strange that Charles should abandon his own more relaxed room, with its bookcases, comfortable chairs and friendly atmosphere.

Erik stepped into the room, trying to keep his nerves at bay. It was warm, but not stifling. In front of the large windows, Charles was sitting on a sofa facing out at the large floor to ceiling windows, looking out towards the garden. Pillows surrounded him, and his legs were outstretched before him. His hand was lying limply at his side, and a book had fallen on to the floor. Erik noticed that his clothes were impeccably clean and sharp against the soft patterned furnishings, as if he had sat down and not moved since.

Charles did not react as they approached him. His face was turned away from them, and Erik quickly realised that Charles was sleeping. The steady rise and fall of his chest only hitched for a moment when Raven let out a gasp. For a moment, Erik had forgotten that she was there.

"Erik, he is so ill. No one told me…" she whispered, but the words held desperation. "Just look at his face!"

Erik hadn't noticed anything amiss. Charles had looked so peaceful whilst sleeping. But Raven was right. His breathing was light and shallow, not the relaxed breathing of sleep. Charles looked so frail and small. A shadow of what Erik's memory recalled at the thought of him. But then, Charles' had always outmatched his physical attractions with something else entirely. But the brightness that usually drew Erik in had now disappeared. Erik felt Raven's hand touch his, her blue skin was always cool and she squeezed his fingers. Erik didn't know whether she was seeking to give or take comfort.

"Charles?" Erik asked into the silence. He watched Charles slowly open his eyes. Underneath them were two dark discoloured patches of skin. Evidence of his ailing health, and of fitful nights with no sleep. Erik suddenly felt sorry for having woken the man up, when it was clear that he needed the rest.

In Charles' gaze there was something that made Erik walk closer. A sort of unfocused glaze to his blue eyes. Erik knelt down before Charles so that he might look into his face, but Charles continued to look past him, as if he was seeing ghosts, and not what was really before him.

"Why are you crying?" Charles asked at length. There were no hellos. In a way, it felt as if they never been apart.

Erik felt some of his tension leave him. Charles was still there, in the tired and hollow looking shell. His voice was still the same, making the world move. Erik wished he could take the feeling that Charles' voice gave him, and keep it forever. But it was a gift that Charles gave for moments only, and when he was silent, it disappeared. Erik opened his mouth to speak, but then he realised he wasn't the one being addressed.

"You're fading Charles," Raven said. Her voice cut through the peace in the room, and set everything on edge. "I can see it in your face."

Erik felt himself begin to panic. It was the same petrified feeling he had had on the beach, when Charles had been hurt. The world had filled with black. Small sounds became relentless noise, and he ceased to be able to breathe. He had been unable to make good choices in that moment; his departure had not been as it should have. There were many things about his actions he now regretted, it was clear that they would now stand between him and Charles like a wall. Unable to be moved, unable to be looked over.

A small smile appeared on Charles' face, a strange reaction to Raven's fears.

"That's a little dramatic Raven."

"Don't lie to me," she warned him.

Erik could feel her uneasiness behind him, it flooded into him too. Suddenly he wondered why he had stayed away from Charles for so long? What if he had come here too late?

"If I was dying Raven, I am not anymore. You don't need to worry," Charles replied. For a moment Erik found himself believing him, but Charles didn't have the energy to keep up the illusion today. As he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to find some strength, it was obvious he was weak. Charles was lying; they had every reason to be worried about him.

"What happened?" Raven asked. At this Erik turned to look at her. He wished she could have taken that question back. They all knew what had happened. Why did they have to relive the past right now? What good could possibly come of it?

Charles leant his head back against the pillows. His eyes were still closed, but although it clearly taxed him to speak, he still answered.

"I got shot Raven, I was hardly going to be feeling fantastic. Being indoors for so long has made me ill."

When Charles opened his eyes, he saw Raven's stricken face, with tears running down her cheeks. He realised that he couldn't be honest with her today. She was not one of his declared opponents right now, but his little sister, who was worried and scared. Of course this had come as a shock to Raven. He was always the one looking after her. The idea that he might fail at surviving had never even occurred to her.

"Don't cry Raven, it's all over now."

Erik remained listing to this exchange, still on his knees. He suddenly felt like a fool. Charles had not even acknowledged him to be in the room. Not even a glance had been spared in his direction. If Erik was honest with himself, he felt hurt. He had been expecting harsh words from Charles, and had already prepared what he would say to counter every hurtful thing Charles could say. But this silence between them felt unnatural. Raven had seen so much, she was full of emotion, but to Erik, Charles was almost a block of ice. Once again Erik was reminded of his own selfish nature. He'd left Charles, but he still wanted Charles to welcome him.

"Charles," Erik tried again.

This time Charles couldn't ignore him. Erik found himself pinned to the spot by Charles' eyes. Now that the haze of sleep had disappeared, they had sharpened with what looked like pain.

"I don't blame you for leaving. I told you to go after all. I only wish I had fought harder to keep you."

When Charles spoke, Erik felt the words were meant for Raven, but Charles' eyes were fixed directly upon his. Erik could still hear Raven crying behind him, but the rest of the world disappeared. After what seemed like forever, Charles released him from his gaze, by looking upwards and at his helmet. The exchange had left Erik feeling breathless, but the sight of his helmet seemed to have pushed Charles away.

"Please Charles, just…" Raven said. "Why are you just lying there? Please just … move. Please… You're scaring me."

At first Erik thought that this wan an odd request. He stood slowly and moved back an unsteady step. He'd been so focused on Charles' face that he hadn't thought to look elsewhere. But once again he felt the chill of dread, Raven was right, something was wrong. Charles was far too still. They waited in silence for a moment, Erik holding his breath, sure that he had forgotten how to breathe. Then Charles held out a hand to Raven.

"I didn't know how to tell you."

Without any warning Raven's skin began to change. Erik could hear her breathing in short gasps, and her blue disappeared into blonde. Her human face crumpled with pain and she hurried forward, wrapping her arms around Charles. Again what was passing between Charles and Raven took a while to reach him. But again he had not been included in their reunion, and wondered whether his helmet was keeping more of Charles out than he had wanted.

"Tell her what Charles?" Erik demanded through gritted teeth.

Raven turned to look at him, and it was the first time Erik had ever seen such hatred on her face. He didn't know if it was directed at him or not, and he didn't care. All he wanted was an end to the riddles, and end to Charles ignoring him, and to be told the truth. Charles should shouting at him, not lying motionless and looking at him with eyes that burnt and a complexion a shade away from death.

"He can't move his legs Erik," Raven hissed. "Are you happy now?"

Erik felt his head spin. The shock of Raven's words and the viciousness in which she spoke sent Erik reeling. He thought he might lose consciousness, feeling his heart speed up until it was deafening and painful. It hammered against his chest; pumping too quickly, empty beats that held no blood. Although the blackness might be preferable to this harsh truth, Erik still fought against it. Raven had been right all along. Charles had been dying, and he had been dying alone. Erik had killed a part of Charles. The two conflicting visions of Charles could not exist together in Erik's mind. The young, free and strong, and the cold, broken and sickly Charles couldn't be the same man. Erik could not make sense of this revelation. His heart saw Charles as someone full of life. Not chained to the ground and broken.

Erik didn't know how he had made it to the window. He was desperate for air and there was a retching feeling in his throat. A sickness in his stomach that churned over and couldn't quell itself. This was why Charles would not look at him. This secret was what Erik had been seeing in his eyes. There was blame, guilt and embarrassment in Charles' eyes. These confused feelings were to blame for keeping them apart now. But how could Erik reproach Charles for being wary? When he didn't even know how to react to this. His feelings were numb.

Opening the French doors with shaking hands, Erik stepped out into the sunlight. The world took its time in coming back to him. The vision before him slowly righted itself and sound returned from the loud pounding of his heart in his ears. Behind him Raven was still crying, this time making no attempt to control it. Erik raised a hand to his cheek and realised that he had been crying too. He left the tear to stain him, having no desire to hide himself from Charles any further, and returned to the room.

Now that the windows were opened, the room felt light. A breeze blew past Erik, bringing with it a sweet smell of pollen. In contrast, the helmet on Erik's head began to feel heavy and uncomfortable. Erik suddenly felt very self-conscious wearing it in front of Charles. It had done so much damage already, slowly destroying the connection between them. It had prevented Charles from sharing this burden with him, and now it had all been revealed upon Erik's terms. Like everything that had ever passed between them, it had always been Erik pushing Charles where he might not like to go.

Erik had come here when he was ready and strong. Would Charles care that not so long ago he had been yelling his name into the empty darkness? Erik looked at Charles now. Raven had managed to climb onto the sofa with him, her tears soaking his shirt, but her sobs growing quieter. In her human disguise she looked like a little girl again, and Erik realised she hadn't changed back willingly. Like him, she had wanted and needed comfort from Charles.

Charles looked up and held Erik's gaze. The silence between them once again started to regain its old electricity. It had always been there, hiding beneath the secrets. Only this time, Charles looked as if he might break under the strength of it. But Erik knew Charles would never accept anything less than that Erik had always given him, unbridled aggressiveness. But now Erik had to wrestle with the guilt as well as his desires.

They sat together until Raven cried herself into silence. All the while Charles continued to hold Erik's gaze, and Erik didn't dare look away. Nothing more was said until Raven sat up and wiped at her eyes.

"I know you need to be alone with him," Raven said, carefully climbing off the sofa. It was unclear whom she was speaking to, but no one disagreed with her. "I'll go and see the others, if they'll have me."

Her lips lingered for a moment with a kiss to Charles' forehead, as if it might be the last they would ever share.

"She knows about us," Charles said once Raven had left.

"Read her mind did you?"

"I didn't have to," Charles replied, his eyes narrowing slightly. "If you've come to ask my permission to be with her… you know what I am going to say."

Erik leant forward slightly in his chair. The tension between them had changed. Suddenly Charles didn't seem all that broken anymore. He was just as dangerous as he had ever been, and Erik was just as susceptible.

"No, I don't," Erik replied. "And it isn't like that. You know that?"

"Do I?" Charles asked.

"It has always been you Charles," Erik replied softly. "Only you."

"Even now?"

"We are different people today," Erik said. "You wouldn't have me now." Erik stopped speaking. He realised that these words held more meanings than he had intended.

"Yes, we are," Charles replied looking away.

As the silence closed in on them once more, Erik occupied himself with morbid thoughts. Had he been stealing Charles' soul by calling his name so much? Calling Charles towards him and away from his damaged body. But even if this mad thought was true, Erik couldn't have given Charles up. Charles was the measure against what everyone and everything was matched and found wanting.

"You are my first thought in the morning Charles. I seek your advice with every decision I make. I will protect Raven because she is yours. You love her, so I will keep her safe. It's nothing more. You did not want to be at my side Charles, but I took you with me regardless. You're in everything I do," Erik said.

Erik knew Charles was listening to his every word, even though he refused to turn his head and meet his eyes. Without hearing Erik's thoughts, the words sounded pointless and empty. Charles missed Erik so much that it hurt him to think of it. Erik's mind was always so intriguing. He had such control over himself, never distracted. But it seemed that was no longer the case. Charles was still trapped in his mind, but only Erik could feel the connection now.

"You don't believe me, do you," Erik asked.

Charles smiled slightly.

"You don't need to prove yourself to me anymore Erik. What does it matter what I think?" Charles asked, the fingers on his right hand twitching slightly. Erik watched the unconscious movement wishing he could reach out for that hand. But he didn't know if he would be welcomed anymore.

Slowly, Erik pulled his helmet off. It was the only thing he could think of doing. The ultimate show of trust. Charles could do anything to him now, and a small part of Erik wished he would. His hair stuck to his head and even his raked fingers through it couldn't disguise how his body reacted in Charles' presence. Beads of sweat clung to his forehead, and his hair now stood at odd angles. Erik steeled himself for Charles' attack but instead of feeling the other man's mental touch upon him, there was just silence. Charles was looking at him with the same pained expression he had worn moments ago. Erik stared back at him expectantly, then felt his temper rise.

"What do you want from me Charles?" Erik shouted, getting to his feet. "Why do you always torment me?"

Erik bent over Charles, coming down close to his face. He wanted to shake something out of Charles, anything. He could hardly stand this silence anymore.

"What did you expect Erik, that you take off the helmet and I'd come running?" Charles asked. "You shut me out Erik. And you are still standing. You were right, you are my 'outward show of magnificence'. You are everything I could have been. But I do not regret where I am now."

You are strong without me. You don't need me anymore.

"I don't want to be strong."

You always have been. For you, nothing has ever been pretend. But you cannot take me where you are going now Erik. You cannot draw an enemy line and try to stand on either side of it. We've made our choices, now you must make peace with it.

"Are you at peace Charles? Truly? Tell me you are suffering as much as I."

We are not all guaranteed to be loved in this world Erik. I believe I have been one of life's lucky few, to feel such pain in losing you. Because now I know, that I have loved. Nothing has ever compared to that. This pain I feel now, reminds me that it was real.

"You were loved in return Charles," Erik answered, feeling a tear in his eyes. "And always will be."

The smile on Charles' face could have broken Erik's heart had it not already been torn in pieces. He felt Charles' hand brush the side of his face, and Erik allowed the tears to fall. One for every day they had been apart, one for all the secrets, the despairing thoughts and guilt. Charles had forgiven him, but there was no going back to the past. It was over; it was time for something new.

Erik leant in further, and kissed Charles. His lips her warm and responded gently. Erik could taste his own tears, and wished them away. They tainted the taste of Charles, who now seemed so foreign because of them. Gently, he wrapped his arm around Charles' back, and pulled him forward, holding him tightly.

Erik, you don't need to listen for my advice in your head.

"If you want to talk," Charles said pulling away for a moment. "Then just pick up the phone."

Erik laughed. He idea seemed ridiculous. But Charles was right. Erik need not torture himself anymore, he could hear Charles' voice whenever he liked. Again… on his terms. Always on Erik's terms.

But at the end of the day, there remained one thing sure in the uncertainly of the future. Charles would desperately continue to hold on to his colours. On the battlefield, if you were not wielding a sword then you were flying your banner. The X Men would keep looking higher. Their flags would battle against the wind. And Erik, would set them all on fire. If only to burn Charles' hands, and make him feel.

Erik placed his helmet back on his head, and walked out of the mansion and into the future. Charles had not tried to change his mind. He'd let him go. For now.

The End

A/N: Oh, holy moly. I never expected to write this much for this fic. Nor kill myself with angst. Thank you so so much to those who followed me from chapter one, and encourage me to keep going. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and who fave'd/alerted. I hope that you have enjoyed the ending.