One shot. I need to stop writing depressing stuff. I was in a great mood, had an awesome day, till I sit at my computer and this spews out. I was planning on some humor. This is the complete opposite. Hope you're ready for some angst.

Warning, Suicidal!Merlin. Spoilers. Set season 3. Note: all poisons mentioned in this are real.

What's wrong with me? I spend days just serving. What use is a life where you serve another every moment of your day? I never receive a thank you. Does the prat even know anything about me? He can't. Arthur can't know my secrets. I can't tell them to my best friend. (It's sad that my best friend is a man I serve.) He can't know about my magic or destiny. He can't know about my father or Morgana. I can't tell him what's wrong. I can't tell him anything.

What worth is there in life? I am a traitor to my own kind. Morgana hates me. She used to be one of my friends. Will is dead. I can't see him anymore. Freya is lost; she never stood a chance with that curse. Gaius doesn't understand. Lancelot is banished, gone, as is Gwaine. Gwen hasn't been the same since her father's death and falling for Arthur. Arthur is an unobservant prat who needs to grow eyes. I have no one. I keep everything inside me; all the feelings are threatening to break loose.

They wouldn't know, at least for a couple days. Arthur would think Gaius was using me. Gaius and Gwen would think Arthur was overworking me. I could disappear, none the wiser. Nobody would come after me. Nobody would think to look.

Is it possible anyone has noticed the loss? The quietness, the silence, it's continuous. Have they looked for my smile to find it gone, like smoke in the breeze? Has anyone noticed the sorrow in my heart? I hope not. I try to keep my façade.

I can almost hear the word, spat out like poison from a viper's tongue, "sorcerer." I can see in my minds eye Uthur killing me. I will never let these events take place. I will never allow Gaius the sorrow of seeing me killed. I will not allow Arthur to know. I wish to keep my memory at least, untarnished.

I need to choose the way.

I feel the breeze on my face; see the cold cliff and the ocean beneath. I turn away. This won't do.

I see the beast in the forests underbrush. A single scratch, and I'm dead. A slow acting poison would kill me. Even though I deserve suffering for the things I've caused, I know it won't do.

I think about using food and water. Three days without either of these would do it. But that may clue them in. It won't do.

I climb the top of the tower, glance at the courtyard below. I couldn't. I may hurt another person.

I finger Gaius's bottles. Crisp and labeled, they beckon to me. I sneak as he is asleep and read them, oleander leaves, azaleas, yew berries, nightshade berries, hemlock, castor beans, all used to stop the suffering of patients that are fated to die. My suffering should be stopped too. This is perfect. I take a bit.

Where should I do it? Should it be where they will find me soon? Or should it be not at all? Should I write my reasons first? Do I tell anyone? No. That thing I know for certain, no one can know.

I take castor beans, only two are needed to cause death. I remember that from when Gaius taught me what to use when. I'm glad I'd been paying attention. It helped me pick the easiest way. I'm sure Gaius didn't expect that when he taught me.

I raise my arm and place them in my mouth. I lie on my bed, my chosen place of death. I take a deep breath and start to eat them.

The door bursts open. Who tries to foil my plan? Hopefully they're too late. I welcome you death, with open arms.

Do I continue? Do I leave it?