Disclaimer : I don't own Death Note!

Chapter Four...

Things for our heroine and her two unlikely companions were going swimmingly. The past few weeks of Cassandra's life seemed to go by in a fun blur of epic enjoyment. Playing video games and exchanging witty banter with Matt was better then she could have ever expected. That kid really did deserve more screen time since he was all kinds of awesome. She even managed to find a way to help Ukita speak by giving him a whiteboard, washable marker and a box of tissues. He apologized for hitting her with his truck and since Cassie was such a nice girl she excepted without holding a grudge. She didn't hold a grudge at all. She definitely wasn't planning on repeatedly slapping him with a fish in his sleep. Definitely not.

Then one day something really weird happened. No, not weird like a boy with long hair wearing tight leather pants who ends up getting really offended when someone calls him a chick. Not even weird like L who has never gotten laid at the age of whatever and probably touches himself to thoughts of strawberry shortcake. A lot of Death Note characters get sexual pleasure from odd things. Ryuk gets mad horny when he's eating an apple and Light has an orgasm every single time he writes a name in the Death Note.

But that's not the point no matter how fucked up all that shit is.

The three best friends ( Who had taken to calling themselves the Golden Trio ) were just sitting on the couch, chowing down on a breakfast of cereal in a bowl of stale booze. They were out of milk and Cassie was too lazy to conjure some up because that would take effort. Suddenly, the weird thing happened.

Cassie looked up from her oddly delicious breakfast with wide rainbow eyes as the streaks in her hair turned a fearful blood red. Since the Golden Trio already had such a totally awesome bond of unbreakable friendship they all knew that something was definitely wrong.

"I feel a great disturbance in the force..."

~At To-Oh University for Rich and Evil Teens Full of Angst

"OMGZZZZ!111111" Light shouted as his eyes fell on the oddly foreboding black notebook that had just randomly fallen out of the sky. Now, Light's seen some pretty fucked up things fall from the sky. He's seen a plane fall out of the sky, Ryan Seacrest fall out of the sky and he's even seen the sky... fall out of the sky. Still, he's never seen a notebook fall out of the sky! That's just wicked cool!

Light got up from his seat and flipped his deep ebony colored hair out of his face revealing his soulful blue eyes the color of LIMPID TEARS.

Everyone who was still reading Bessie's terrible, shitty excuse for a fan fiction gasped. Light... was totally out of character!

"Wellzz, peacee out u mutha' fuckas!1" Light said as he stood up from his chair. He was just walking out of class because he was THAT badass. It turns out that this Light was such a gee-kni-us that he didn't even need to be in school because he already knew everything in the entire universe. Beat that!

Light walked over to the notebook that had fallen quite dramatically from the sky. He picked it up.

This is the moment where our fucked up story truly begins, people! This is the moment that the reign of Kira is set in motion! Can't you hear that dramatic music playing? THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT!

Suddenly Ryuk appeared out of thin air. He stared at this new, totally goffik version of Light and resisted the urge to just snatch up the Death Note and go back to the fucking Death God Realm. Bessie is too lazy to look up how you spell shinigami so Ryuk and his magical realm will probably forever be referred to as the Death God Realm from now on. Get use to it.

"...Apples?"

"Ahh, hellz nah betch! U r such a fuckin prepz1 U beh needen some clothzz from HAWT TOPIC!"

"Uh... apples?"

"APPLEZZ? Is thatt all u eva think bout? Whatta bout meh NEEDS?"

Ryuk would certainly not be grinning if his face wasn't permanently stuck like that. This Light imposter was making him pissed off and had yet to meet his apple loving needs. So, while Light had an emotional breakdown about how his daddy and mother never truly loved him, Ryuk flew far away to get himself some mother fucking apples. Believe it, betch.

~Back at Ukita's aparment, a few weeks or hours or months or days later.

"This Kira guy is really starting to piss me off!" Matt declared angrily one morning as he tossed the daily newspaper onto the breakfast table. An incident involving Kira had made the front page yet again, a picture of that Lind L. Tailor guy a long with a long, detailed article on L's stunt last night. L was foolish. Why would you edge on a murderous psychopath just to make sure that some of your facts were solid? Sure, L didn't get hurt but if the circumstances were different he could have been! That man needed to learn to value his life. Cassie would pay anything to have a life where she wasn't controlled by an evil troll...

"That's funny..." Cassandra stated blandly.

Matt stared at his friend incredulously, "What's funny? That Kira is killing thousands of people? That even L probably won't be able to capture him?"

Cassie looked up at her fellow ginger, eyes twinkling with mirth, "No, I just didn't know you could read."

Matt punched Cassie on the arm eliciting a soft yelp of pain. The girl rubbed her arm where there would surely be a bruise in a matter of hours. "Dammit, Matt! I'm gonna look like I'm fucking abused if you keep slapping me around!"

"Sorry, you're just so much fun to beat up."

"This is why the only girl you can get is a transexual, Matt." Cassie explained as she savagely chowed down on her greasy bacon rinds. The Golden Trio was once again having breakfast together, it was like a tradition now. Every single day they would all eat together before Ukita went to work. He told them nothing except that he was working for the police force. She'd let him keep thinking she was ignorant for a little while longer but soon she would get him to admit that he was working on the Kira Case with L, make him take both her and Matt there, get that weird detective to fall in love with her, bang the panda, make sure he doesn't die and then get the fuck out of this shitty fan fiction.

Damn, this was going to take awhile.

"Shut the fuck up about Mels." Matt snapped, using the nickname that all fan fiction writers seemed to think he called Mello. It was never established but who really cares about canon? Ukita being mute was never established but it's definitely a solid fact. "Anyway, at least I get some and I don't need to show off my tits to get it!"

Cassie groaned, "For the last fucking time dude, you don't have any tits! Stop being jealous of my gorgeous breasts because you will never have them without the help of a plastic surgeon. Either call a doctor or build a bridge and then CROSS THE FUCKING BRIDGE."

"... Isn't the expression build and bridge and get over it?" Matt questioned.

Cassie chucked a piece of bacon at him and all the grease ended up in his eyes. After about ten minutes of intense whining and complaining about the pain he was in, Matt and Cassie finally began discussing a new topic that hopefully wouldn't end up blinding the poor ginger boy anymore then he already was.

"So, why don't you like Kira?" Cassandra questioned.

"Because some random dude shouldn't be the one to pass judgment on us. He isn't God."

"That's not an overdone plot point at all," Cassie scoffed, "What do you think Ukita?"

Ukita jumped in surprise. He had just assumed the author forgot about him since it seemed like he didn't exist at all in the last few paragraphs. He pulled out his whiteboard and marker from thin air and began to write his response.

I think Kira is stupid.

"That's it? No other opinions?"

Ukita wrote more.

I also think that Kira is smelly. He's stupid and smelly.

Matt sighed, rubbing his temples in annoyance. "Dude, this is why no one talks to you!"

Ukita frowned (silently, duh) and probably wouldn't be acknowledged for the rest of the day. Silly Ukita.

"So," Matt continued as if nothing had happened, "What do you think of Kira, Cassie?"

"I support Kira. I think the world needs to be rid of criminal scum."

Suddenly, time stopped completely. Then time re-winded back only a few seconds. Cassandra's eyes widened in surprise. Someone was meddling with time and that could mean only one thing...

"What do you think of Kira, Cassie?"

"I support Kira. I think the world needs to be rid of criminal scum." Cassandra answered once again.

Time re-winded again. Again and again and again. It looked like Bessie was going to make her do this until she got it right. Fuck that!

"What do you think of Kira, Cassie?"

"I think that Kira is such a sexy beast!" Cassandra shouted. Matt stared. "I want to fuck Kira. I want to fuck Kira up the ass. Yeah, I'm totally going to have some major doggie style buttsex with Kira! I dream of that murdering lunatic raping me up the Gluteus Maximus! Yeah, I know the scientific word for ass! Whataya think about that, Mail Jeevas? WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK ABOUT THAT YOU FUCKITY FUCKTARD!"

Time stopped again and Cassie groaned as she waited for Bessie to once again send her back so she could correctly answer Matt's simple question. Apparently Sue's were not allowed to either agree with Kira or want to have major anal with him. Oh well.

Time didn't go back.

"Sexy beast? Buttsex? Raping of the Gluteus Maximus?" Bessie groaned from inside Cassie's head. "Really Cassandra? Can't you just follow my orders for once? Please?"

Cassie stomped her feet childishly, "DAMMIT! I thought you were gone!"

"Why would you think that I was gone?"

"Well, the author of this fan fiction about you and me and the Death Note characters didn't include you last chapter. I thought she forgot about your existence.

"We're in a fan fiction?"

"...Duh."

"What an unexpected twist!"

"Quite. Now, continue with your screaming at me so I can get back to the plot. The quicker this is all over with, the better!"

"You can't like Kira."

"So, you're saying I can't have my own opinions? Um, hello, anti-feminism."

"OC's just can't like Kira, Cassandra. It's not allowed." Bessie explained with a sigh.

"Well, if I'm going to be in a love triangle with both L and Light, I'm going to betray one of them with my views, right? Plus, I'll have it easier trying to win Light's heart if I'm pro-kira. I doubt L will care much who's side I'm on." Cassie explained.

"Oh, you'll have no trouble winning Light's heart. I changed him."

"You mean you made him out of character?"

"N- yeah, totally." Bessie admited sheepishly. It's not her fault! Goffik Light is too sexy to resist! He's so emotional and angsty and SEXY! Did she mention he's sexy? She did? Well, she's going to say it again. Emo Light Yagami is totally orgasmic.

Cassie gasped, "HOW COULD YOU?"

"Pretty easily, actually."

"You're a monster..." Cassandra whispered.

"Eh, at least I'm prettier then you," Cassie scoffed. Keep dreaming there, hun. "I gots to go, hoe. Get your line right this time or your giving panda man a blow job."

That was probably the most frightening threat Cassandra will ever receive.

"What do you think of Kira, Cassie?"

"I think Kira is the worst thing that could ever happen to this world. What gives him the right to pass judgement on us? He's just some childish dickhead who thinks that he can play god. Well, he's got another thing coming because together," Cassie knocked over her chair as she suddenly stood up, pumping her fists. "We can defeat Kira!"

Matt - forever the optimist - stood up as well, "Yeah!"

The two could hear the sound of Ukita's truck sputtering to life the whole way from their third floor apartment. He had just left the table and they hadn't even noticed.

"Matt, are you serious about stopping Kira?"

Matt nodded, "Totally!"

"Then we have to stow away in the back of Ukita's truck."

"Why?"

"Because... Ukita is working on the Kira Case!"

"WOAH!" Matt shouted, "Seriously?"

"No, I'm totally joking, let's go make out on the couch!" Cassandra said with a roll of her eyes.

"Seriously?" Matt grinned.

"NO YOU IDIOT!" Cassie thumped him on the head before wrapping her thin fingers around his wrist and pulling him towards the door. "We gotta hurry now before he leaves!"

"Kira's gonna wish he never messed with us."

Random ending! Does that qualify as a cliffy? No? Well, damn. Eh, whatever.

Random question of the second/minute/day/week/month/year/decade or century!(:

This question was inspired by my new friend HarryPotterMangaGleek!

Name your top 3 favorite Death Note characters, huns. I'm curious!

Mine are...

1. Mello ( He's my husband... seriously. )

2. L

3. UKITA!(; ( Join the Ukita Fan Club? )

Later Gators~