Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
By: DMEX
Ch. 15
Sonic's got Speed!
Time: 21:00 pm Date: The night before the Mushroom Cup
Place: Luigi Raceway
Several Pinatas are shopping around as a bright blue streak of light blazes by like the wind
Green Pinata (angry, waving his fist at the air): WATCH IT JACKASS!
Sonic is speeding through Luigi Raceway without a care in the world, smirking about
(Garbled police radio chatter)
Chief Wiggum: Copy that… Got your nightstick ready Lou?
Officer Lou: Locked and loaded, Chief.
(Police siren blares as Chief Wiggum goes in hot pursuit of Sonic the Hedgehog)
Sonic: Dammit! Not the fuzz!
Sonic ends up running into a street light and stops him cold as Chief Wiggum and Officer Lou catch him
Chief Wiggum: End of the line for you Sonic.
Officer Lou handcuffs him and picks him up
Chief Wiggum: You have the right to remain silent-
hits him with a nightstick, Sonic grunts
(Harvey Birdman opening)
-Sebben & Sebben, Harvey's Office-
Harvey is doing some paperwork as Peanut is playing Sonic Generations on his PS3. Avenger is watching Peanut play
Harvey: Avenger, I need you to help me. Can you find the case file, Kurt Angle v. State of Tennessee?
(Avenger caws then ignores him)
Harvey: Avenger, seriously. I seriously need you to help me.
(Avenger flies over to him, finds the case file and sits at his perch)
Peanut: Got a hot date tonight, HB?
Harvey: If you mean by date, you mean Judge Walters?
Peanut (doesn't buy it): You're dating She-Hulk?
*BUZZ*
* (on intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have some clients.
Harvey: Send them in.
(The door opens, Amy Rose, Knuckles and Tails come in)
Harvey: What can I do for you?
Tails: You won't believe this but Sonic got arrested yesterday night.
Amy: PLEASE HELP SONIC! HE CAN'T SURVIVE PRISON!
Knuckles: (scoffs) Who cares? It's Sonic's own fault he got locked in jail, anyway.
Amy (tearfully): HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL?
Peanut (sarcastically): Way to go, Knucklehead! Why don't you make the lady cry?
Harvey: So what he do?
Tails: Speeding down Luigi Raceway. They think Sonic's on Speed.
Knuckles: Wouldn't put it past Sonic…
(Amy bursts into tears, Peanut hammers Knuckles)
Harvey: Don't worry, Amy. Sonic will be out of prison in no time. I'LL TAKE THE CASE!
ODB crashes through the roof and through Harvey's desk. She sits up, gives herself smelling salt, pats her boobs and drinks out of her flask
Tails: Didn't see that coming…
-Prison, Cell B, Block 7-
Harvey: Sonic The Hedgehog?
Sonic: That's me.
Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. I'll be representing you in court.
Sonic: Can you believe the nerve of the fuzz? I'm the world's only drug free super speed hedgehog and they lock me up for speeding!
Knuckles (sarcastically, like Ron White): We feel your pain…
Amy smashes through the prison wall and gives Sonic a bear hug, choking the life out of Sonic
Amy: OH SONIC! I WAS SO WORRIED THAT I WOULD NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!
Sonic (tapping out): You're hurting me, Amy.
-Luigi Raceway-
Harvey: uhhhh-
Lakitu: Lakitu.
Harvey: Suck at that language… Did you see anything unusual yesterday night?
Lakitu: No, I was playing Super Smash Bros. with King Koopa all night. We crushed Mario like it's 1985.
Koopa: And we'll keep crushing them Mario's this time on the race track!
Harvey: Backing away…
-Sebben & Sebben Bathroom-
Phil Ken Sebben: Birdman, got a second?
Harvey: Phil we're in a bathroom!
Phil: This is urgent!
Harvey: What is it, Phil?
Phil: You remember when Vegeta said he'd open his law firm and run us out a business?
Harvey: Why?
Phil: Vegeta just opened his law firm and one of his lawyers are gonna be in court. YOUR CASE to be exact!
Harvey: HE CAN'T DO THAT!
Phil: My hands are tied… Seriously, their tied in a knot. Note to self, never go to Toon World Comedy Club. HA HA! Rubber house!
-Court-
Judge: Hyra Mightor Bailiff: Rouge the Bat
Prosecution: Dr. Eggman Defense: Harvey Birdman
Rouge: Here ye, here ye; the Honorable Judge Hyra Mightor presiding.
(Mightor comes in and sits at the Judge's podium)
Mightor: Sit down and shut your pie holes! This court is session!
Mightor slams his gavel club
(guzzling sounds)
Mightor(slams club gavel multiple times): JAMES STORM, YOU BETTER NOT BE DRINKING BEER IN MY COURTROOM!
James Storm: Moonshine…
Mightor: Very well… Mr. Eggman, proceed…
Eggman: Gladly Your Honor! Sonic has been arrested for speeding! And I always asked myself: "What would I do if I ever got Sonic in court?" The answer is: "LOCK THAT HEDGEHOG UP" so that I can finally rule the world!
Mightor: Mr. Birdman, your opening arguments.
Harvey: Sonic the Hedgehog. Mascot of SEGA, arch-rival of Mario, brother and of course, the world's fastest drug free hedgehog. My client was arrested and is BEING SUED IN COURT, no less; for speeding! He is also being accused of using Speed! YOU THE JURY MUST CORRECT THIS HORIBLE MISTAKE!
-Court-
JBL is at the witness stand. He has his arm in a sling and looks very beaten up.
Eggman: State your name for the court, for the record.
JBL: John Bradshaw Layfield.
Eggman: Tell me Mr. Layfield, have you ever met Sonic?
JBL: MET HIM? I KNOW HIM!
Eggman: And how would you know Sonic?
Harvey: OBJECTION!
Mightor: Sustained! Mr. Layfield, answer the question.
JBL: He broke into my mansion!
Eggman: He held you captive for 40 minutes. What did Sonic do to you in those 40 minutes?
JBL: I HAVE NIGHTMARES THINKING ABOUT THAT. AND I WAKE UP SCREAMING! SCREAMING!
Amy (angry): LIAR! SONIC DID NO SUCH THING!
Mightor (banging club gavel multiple times): Miss Rose, do I need to hold you in contempt of court?
Harvey: Your Honor, you can't trust Mr. Layfield! He's a notorious liar.
JBL (quietly): Remember what they said in anger management…
-Court-
Harvey: State your name for the court.
Tails: Tails Prower.
Harvey: Prowling is your game is it?
Tails (confused): Pardon?
Harvey: Mr. Prower, you're Sonic's best friend are you not?
Tails: Yes, sir.
Harvey: And you have never been arrested in your life?
Tails: No, sir.
Harvey: Are you old enough to drive?
Tails: Yes, sir.
Harvey: Need I remind you are under oath?
(Avenger kills the lights and show footage of Tails driving the Tornado)
Harvey: You were caught driving under age in San Andreas a few months ago.
Tails: I'm 7 years old. I'm allowed to drive.
Harvey: You may be in dog years, but you are a child in the eyes of the law!
-Court-
Mightor: Has the Jury reached a verdict?
Shou: We have Yer Honor.
Mightor: On the count of Speeding?
Shou: "We the Jury find Sonic T. Hedgehog turnover-"
Agent Mai: Turn the paper around Shou.
Shou: Sorry. "We the Jury find Sonic T. Hedgehog Not Guilty of Speeding."
Mightor: And on the count of possession the drug Speed?
Shou: "We the jury find Sonic T. Hedgehog Not Guilty of possession of illegal drug Speed."
Eggman: NOT GUILTY? BUY HOW?
Amy: I'll tell you how Eggman! Sonic kicked your ass in the past, and he'll continue to kick your ass!
James Storm: Eggman! SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN LUCK!
everyone laughs
(Harvey Birdman credits)
A/N: Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law Season 2 will be out soon!