Sam's POV:

Sometimes I wish I could forget. Sometimes I think that amnesia was a blessing in disguise. Because now I remember.

I remember how my mom said, "There are some memories that no one should have. You should be glad you get to escape them."

Sometimes I'd remember and I'd agree.

I remember being alone with Freddie when we were younger and how Carly would try to get us to be friends. And I'd alwaysget him into some sort of trouble, pushing him around, beating him up, one time blaming him for throwing a rock at a windshield. I remember his face and how he'd gape at me and claim his innocence, pleading with me to tell the truth to the cop that had seen the rock fly. I remember that sometimes I would give in - and sometimes I would let it go as far as the juvie cell and then tell the officer through fake tears that I had 'accidently' done something and my friend had taken the blame and how I would take his place. I remember both of their faces as they saw Sam Puckett burst into tears. I remember how much I laughed that I screwed over a cop afterwards.

I remember when we took a shortcut to a place I wanted to find that didn't even exist. I'd wanted to show Freddie that I knew where to go, that I was smarter and stronger and could find a great new place for us to play. We ended up in a park that hadn't been used in years. I remember the breeze that whipped through my hair and made me feel uneasy. I remember the cry of, "Look! A swing!" and how I slowly turned around to face the nerd. I remember the tire tied to the tree by a rope and the creak it made as it swung back and forth as Freddie swung happily on it. I remember the creak, creak. I remember collapsing on the ground in front of him, feeling so week, hearing the same creak, creak that taunted me everywhere I went.

I can still hear it sometimes. When I'm walking or sleeping or when I'm eating. Creak, creak.

I remember when I was eight and how Melanie would push me down the stairs every time I came up them. I remember her screaming at me, how it was my fault, how if I was better and if I didn't get in so much trouble Daddy would have never killed himself. And I let her push me down until I couldn't breathe because I agreed with her. It was my fault. And I remember how I'd climb all the way to the top just to be pushed down again. And I'd never make it up. I remember how she screamed.

"This is your fault!" she'd scream. "You did this Sammy! And now he's gone forever, do you realize that!? He's gone! And now Mom'll hardly even move! She's been lying on the couch for weeks, Sammy! You have to force feed her! Do you understand what you've done!?"

I'd nod and she'd just shake her head. "You're pathetic, Sammy! Toughen up and quit being a problem! We've got enough of those." Then she'd push me down the stairs again.

Creak, creak.

I remember being nine and being dragged away by a man I'd never seen before. I remember letting him, thinking there was no point. I remember the knife that was pressed against my cheek and his raspy voice telling me it would be quick. I remember the coolness of the blade and then I remembered my mom, sitting on the couch alone, not moving. She was already dealing with Dad. I couldn't let him do this to me - no matter how bad I wanted him to. I remember taking the knife in my own hands and spitting threatening words I had heard on TV that I wasn't supposed to watch.

I remember walking home with the blood on my hands. I remember running home as fast I could, seeing red dots as my legs flew. I remember letting the cool water run through my fingers and watching the water turn red. I remember thinking that someone would find him. That what I'd done really wasn't that bad. That I had just left him barely bleeding, not lying on the side of the road like he would've left me.

I remember opening the door and walking out without really knowing what I was doing. I remember climbing up the stairs to be greeted by Melanie. "Where were you, Sammy?" I remember her words. Toughen up, Sammy! You're pathetic, Sammy! Get some courage, Sammy! Deal with it, Sammy! I remember the punch I delivered to her then. I remember feeling invincible at that moment as I hit her over and over. I remember the feeling of finally getting to push her down the stairs - but I also remember the feeling of her dragging me along with her.

Creak, creak.

I remember grabbing Melanie's notepad, as the red marker rested in my hand. I remember the drawings I drew that were horrible and disgusting and I remember signing them all SAMMY. I remember how I forgot about Sammy and what she did and how she killed my dad and the deep red blood on her hands.

I remember Melanie crying over the things Sammy did. I remember the look on her face when the Scholarship letter came in the mail and her escaping the house as soon as she could. I remember Sammy watching from the window as the cab drove away and how she thought, "Good riddance."

Creak, creak.

I remember it being all Sammy's fault. I remember the days it would haunt me and I'd feel so fucking stupid. I remember how I felt like some soap opera, obsessing over something that happened over six years ago.

But I'd plaster a smile on my face and keep going and no one would suspect a thing. And I'd feel like I was climbing up the stairs all over again, making my way up the steps, fooling every person I passed. I'd be one more step from the top and then Freddie would come and push me back down with words that would throw all my work and effort away. And I'd scream and throw punches like hell because he was bringing Sammy back.

I remember the insults I tried to drive into his mind and the punches I tried to force into his skull and hoped to god he'd finally leave me alone and take Sammy with him. But every day he'd come back and I'd plunge down those stairs, banging into every obstacle and I felt like everyone knew.

And I remember how sweet Carly Shay would wonder why I was being mean to an innocent little boy who only wanted to help me out. I remember telling her that maybe she and Mister Freddie Benson should worry about their own delicate little problems and fuck off. I also remember how she didn't talk to me for a week after that.

Creak, creak.

I remember being older and how I knew Freddie now and the bruises and cuts from the stairs were everlasting as he'd shove me down and laugh at my blood. I remember how much I wanted to charge back up and spit the blood he thought was so funny right into his twisted little face and how, at the same time, I wanted to be a part of him and let him call me his.

I remember throwing everything around my room and screaming at the top of my lungs because the feelings I had about him weren't right and I didn't understand why they were there. I remember collapsing on my grungy bed and sobbing into my pillow as I learned that I was helplessly in love with someone who needed to be driven out of my life before I went so insane I did something that even Sammy wouldn't approve of.

And I remember throwing open a book so I could draw the violent pictures like she used too, because this was the only room I had and I didn't want cracks in my wall from my punches. I remember how I vomited then cried myself to sleep and how I ripped out the pictures the next morning. And I remember throwing the book in my bag and carrying it around with me so I could write everything down and kill the feelings before they got out of hand.

I remember wrapping myself into a ball as I realized it was too late.

Creak, creak.

And, oh god, I remember the admiration. How I'd stare at him every day and try to figure out what made him special. I remember how Carly would smirk at me and how much I would want to wipe that smile off her face because the acclaimed Carly Shay didn't even have a clue what it was like to be in love with the one person who controlled you with your weakest strands of string, smiling like a puppeteer who looked down at his latest work, flopping around on the ground.

I remember how sometimes I'd feel like that after he pushed me down again, he'd look up at his goddess for approval and she'd tell him he'd done well. Because good for him. He broke the blond girl that tortured him so much.

Creak, creak.

And, I remember how I didn't remember anything at all. How Sammy never existed and Freddie was my friend, not the person who made me wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I remember asking myself why, because he looked like such a dork and I felt like I was being interrogated each time he asked me a simple question.

I remember after not understanding why this boy was (not) my friend and why he'd lied, I'd found my book wedged under my mattress and the memories came flooding back, shattering the world where life was simple, like a baseball to window. I remember falling to my knees and letting sobs rack through my body as I remembered why I hated him so much. I remember how after my attack of emotions was done, I couldn't stand it anymore, I couldn't stand falling down again, so I ran and told him that I loved him. And I remember how he admitted he loved me too. But the perfect world of Freddie and Sam had ended as after Carly had finished going into her little freakout, he picked up the book and asked, with a sweet boyish innocence, "who's Sammy?"

Creak, Creak

I remember the first sixteen years of my life and how every bone-shattering second was full of pain. Yes, I remember the bad things.

But I remember everything else too.

I remember when his hands were shaking and his forehead was sweating and how there was a tremor in his voice as he asked if I would like to go see a movie with him. I remember how corny it felt as soon as the words left his mouth. And I remember how fast I'd replied, "as long as it's not too nubbish."

I remember how his sweaty palm felt in mine as we trudged along the sidewalk in the rain, coming home from the worst movie I had ever seen in my life. I remember seeing his nervous eyes as he tried to decide whether or not he should kiss me as we stood on my doorstep. I remember making the decision for him, by grabbing his shirt and slamming my lips against his. I remember how right after, he had stammered, "W - wanna be my girlfriend?" in a slurred, dazed voice.

I remember Carly jumping up and down as she squealed because her secret 'Seddie' ship had finally gotten together. I remember how Freddie had blushed and I had glared at her outburst and how she burst out laughing at our reactions.

I remember Freddie bashfully shoving a teddy bear in my arms because it was our one year anniversary and I wondered how the hell the nub remembered these things. I remember feeling sad that I didn't and how I had surprisingly crushed him against me and actually thanked him instead of giving him some snide remark.

I remember how he had made actual reservations at a restaurant with a fancy french name and how my eyes had almost glittered as I scanned all the meat on the menu and how I eventually had Freddie order for me and how, right after he said, "ribs," I'd replied, "don't listen to the nub, I want a steak." I remember how halfway through dinner his leg was bouncing up and down and how he was tugging at his collar and admitted that he had arranged this fancy thing because he wanted to tell me he was in love with me and had been ever since Carly had uttered the words, "Sam's been in an accident." I remember how words poured out of his mouth, almost against his will, as he told me how much he cared and adored me and needed me to make him feel happy. And I remember how I had smiled through a mouthful of meat and told him that this steak must be good, because I felt the exact same way.

I remember going home with him that night and how clothes were thrown on the floor and after all the mush was said and Freddie had called me beautiful, he looked dead into my eyes and asked if I was ready. I had simply grinned back, shrugged, and said, "There's a first time for everything."

I remember the biggest fight in all of history. Bigger than the fights me and Melanie would have at the top of the stairs, bigger than all of the fights we'd ever had combined. I remember how we had screamed at each other and how I thought miles away, kids would cry and cover their ears because we were just that loud. I remember how disgusting our words were and how he, Freddie Benson, actually punched a hole in the wall, narrowly missing my face. And I remember how we had shoved each other and how I had eventually kicked him out of my room and fell on the ground sobbing, wondering why he had to push me down those stairs again, why Sammy had resurfaced and why he had made the creaking louder than it had ever been before. And I remember how I had laughed while I had cried because his precious Carly would be ever so sad that her Seddie ship had finally parted.

And I remember how exactly three minutes and forty-eight seconds later, he had came back into my room and collapsed on the floor, crying even more than me. I remember how we both apologized through fat tears and how we had held onto each other, because if we didn't, the world would surely slowly break apart into a thousand tiny pieces. I remember how we stayed there, sobbing and silently rocking back and forth until we fell asleep, as we had the night I first dreamt of the creaking.

I remember the night of graduation, how Carly had pulled me aside, her voice high and squirrelly like it was when she sobbed as she explained that her agent had finally gotten her her big break and she would be the next big thing in Hollywood. She had found out two months ago but couldn't find a right time to tell me and she was sorry and that iCarly was finally ending. We had hugged and cried as she explained that she would be moving but Gibby had promised her to follow her everywhere. She explained it all, while tears blurred over her eyes and slowly rolled down her cheeks and she said that she never wanted to leave her family, because that's what we were. Through a sad smile she had added that I would at least have Freddie.

I remember me and Freddie sitting on his couch, our hands intertwined as we remembered the days where Carly suggested we make a web show and Freddie had thought we should name it iCarly. I for internet and Carly for, well, Carly. I remember how I leaned my head against his shoulder as we laughed and remembered how Gibby used to get up on tables and dance with his shirt off and how Spencer used to be molding sculptures in the apartment, but now had at least three of his pieces in a museum and was moving to an actual house near Carly. I remember how I had sniffled and admitted that everyone we knew was leaving and I didn't want the same thing to happen to us.

I remember his smile as he said it never would and how he kissed me so delicately and peacefully. I remember how he said that he never wanted to be separated from me either and how I had looked at him strangely when he had slipped off the couch. I remember how I thought he was pulling out some prank from his pocket when he reached into his jacket and how my eyes had widened as he pulled out a purple velvet box. I remember how our eyes had instantly watered as Freddie claimed he never wanted to separate from me, because I was the only girl he ever loved, screw Carly and all. I remember how quickly I had screamed yes after he asked to spend the rest of his life with me and how we had hugged like the night we had the huge blowout.

I remember phoning to talk to Melanie for the first time in years, because Freddie insisted we tell everyone. I remember how I prayed that she didn't pick up, she didn't pick up so I could leave a message with no directions and she wouldn't bother to call back. I remember her answering anyway. I remember how surprised she sounded to hear my voice and how even more surprised she was when I invited her to my own wedding.

And I remember the actual day of the wedding, when I paced nervously right outside the alter, Spencer at my side - he was like a Dad to me, I had asked him to walk me down the aisle and he had happily agreed - while Carly sobbed behind me, wailing about how it all had happened so fast and she didn't know where her life went. I remember that she was stressed about her movie coming out in two weeks and that even though I was the bride and I was the one who was supposed to be crying and having second thoughts, I sat with Carly and soothed her hair until she was forced to walk down the aisle, wearing the bridesmaid dress that she had picked out - she had designed the whole wedding, after all.

I remember getting impatient as the minister asked us to repeat after him because of course I would never leave Freddie, sickness and in health and everyone knew it. But I remember looking at his face and went through with the vows and the ceremony because I would give anything to spend the rest of my life with him.

I remember crying alone in my room because I was only twenty-one. I remember Freddie was on campus and I was tucked away in my room, sick and sobbing and I remember how it had dawned on me that I was over six days late. I remember how I ran to the store and bought the test, peed on the stick like I was supposed to and how a plus sign had appeared. I remember buying practically every single one in the store, because, no, I couldn't be pregnant. And I remember how I sobbed because my life was so terrible and my parents were never even there and I was always alone. I remember how I couldn't stand the thought of putting someone else what I went through and I wanted to never mention it to Freddie because he would insist that I would be a great mom and he would say I was being ridiculous.

I remember how I forgot to lock the door and how he had asked me what was wrong as soon as he had walked inside and saw my wet eyes.

I remember how at that very moment, I felt like I was looking up those stairs again. That my ultimate challenge was to get up, fooling him so I could give this baby a better home than it would have if it was stuck with me.

I remember how it was five years ago as words came tumbling out of my mouth as I explained that there was something living inside of me. I remember how I had tried to explain that we needed to find a better home for it and how he had held me and stroked my hair and told me that the best home it could have would be with the both of us. I remember how I had sobbed and protested and wailed that I wouldn't let a child be in a horrible home. I remember the smile on his face as he told me he wouldn't want to either, and that's why we weren't giving it up.

I remember trembling as Freddie wheeled me into the hospital, Carly behind him as she tried to convince me that Carly was a perfect name for my firstborn. I remember how I had glared at her and told her that just because I was pregnant didn't mean I couldn't still take her down.

I remember how after all the screaming and the pushing and Freddie looking like he was about to faint, the nurse had told me it was a boy and placed a sticky red blob in my arms.

I remember how we had rested in the hospital bed and Freddie had reminded me that he needed a name. I remember how he tucked a strand of matted blonde hair behind my ear and said we should name the baby Tucker, after my Dad. I remember how tears had welled up in my eyes but I had still agreed because yes, that was a perfect idea.

I remember the day that everything fell apart. I remember that Carly was babysitting Tucker, I remember that Freddie was at work, teaching his film and tech class and how I was all alone in our small apartment that we'd managed to buy with Carly's help. I remember how I hadn't heard the creaking in years, because Freddie had taken all the pain away and I never felt it when I was with him or our child. I remember how neither of them were there and how the creaking had come back, and I'd collapsed on the floor as I tried to get rid of it and Sammy once and for all but my attempts had just made it worse.

I remember how Freddie had come home and begged me to tell him what was wrong. I remember looking into his desperate eyes and how he looked into my watery ones as he pleaded with me to confess.

So I did.

I remember telling him everything, the things I had never told anyone before. I remember telling him who Sammy really was, the things she did, how Melanie had tortured her and me and how he had once made it worse. I remember telling him about the creaking and how he was the only one who made it go away, that he was the only one I'd loved and hated at the same time. I remember feeling like I was finally done, that I would stay at the bottom of those stairs forever now that he knew.

I remember how he did something unexpected and guided me back up. I remember how he told me we were taking a different route than the one I was used to. I remember how he got me help and how he told me instead of pretending, we'd get past this for real.

I remember being furious with him, because I had confessed to everything and now he was forcing me to go to some shrink I had never met. I remember thinking that he thought I was crazy, that he was doing this to get rid of me, that he didn't understand what it all really meant.

I remember how he helped. How everyone helped. How my world was no longer one of complete torment, but one of Freddie, of Carly, of Tucker, of life. I remember feeling so corny and so cliché but how I felt free and for once happy.

And I remember how something being all Freddie's fault was a good thing.

My sad little life - I remember it all.

And I remember how Freddie changed it. How he made me happy to get up in the morning, happy that I got to live, instead of wanting to curl up into the corner of the room and wishing it would end. My new, better life is amazing - and it's just begun. Tucker's only one and just learning how to walk. I owe it all - everything - to Freddie. My husband. My friend. My nubby little tech geek.

I remember every single aspect of my life.

And I never want to forget.

That's - that's it. Wow. This is actually really emotional for me, you guys, this is the first chapter fanfic I've ever finished :') I want to thank all of you for reading this and reviewing and being wonderful. I know I'm being all dramatic, but it means a lot to me that you all read and enjoyed it and begged me to update and things like that.

Thank you guys so much. I can't say how awesome this has actually been for me. You're all amazing. Hopefully you can read my other stories and I'll get all emotional when I finish those as well.

Anyway, please, PLEASE review and remember that you're all awesome and actually made me really proud of myself for this. Thank you. It means so much.

Bye for now :')

- Gallifrey101