A/N: I have updated the first two chapters! Check 'em out! :DDD
Lol, Annoyers will be changing throughout this chapter because... well... who DOESN'T want to make Takada go through Hell? :D Though mainly it will be 'Aya'. Special shoutout to Athaya No Fushigia Na Petto!
lol, btw, timeline is fucked up on this one xDx & I'm too lazy to fix it :D
Disclaimer: IDODN! [I Don't Own Death Note!]
lol, I do DN.
wait...
EWWWWWWW! O.O
How to Annoy- Kiyomi Takada
[1. (Glory Hallelujah, it's Captain Obvious!) Hang on Light's arm and claim to be his fiancé.]
"Hello Kiyomi!" Aya called out, putting special emphasis on the fact that she was calling the older woman by her first name, "Me and my fiancé were just out having a romantic walk when we saw you! You looked so lonely that I just had to come talk to you, though Light said he couldn't care less."
"..."
[2. Trap her in an elevator with Misa, Mikami, and Light. Make sure you are in a very tall building and push all the buttons, starting with the one for the top floor and ending with where they need to be.]
Ash grinned. "Alright, missy, get in tha elevator."
"What?"
"GET IN THA ELEVATORRRRRR!" Ash roared as she stuffed Takada into an elevator with Misa, Mikami, and Light.
"I demand to know what's going o-"
The elevator door shut in Takada's face.
The next twenty minutes were very awkward and/or aggravating.
[3. Sing "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne whenever she's talking to Light and Misa comes up.]
"But what about Amane?"
"She's nothing to m-"
"Hey Hey! You You! I don't like your girlfriend! No way! No way! I think you need a new one!"
Light coughed awkwardly. "As I was saying, Misa... She's not intelli-"
"Hey Hey! You You! I could be your girlfriend! Hey Hey! You You! I know that you like me!"
This time Takada coughed, glaring at Jax, who was sitting in the corner.
"Misa's not quite on my le-"
"No way! No way! I know it's not a secret! Hey Hey! You You! I want to be your girlfriend!"
"You, Kiyomi, are so much more to m-"
"Your so fine, I want you mine, you're so delicious!"
"So much more to me tha-"
"I think about you all the time, you're so addictive!"
"Than Misa could eve-"
"Don't you know what I could do to make you feel alright? Alright, Alright, Alright!"
"Ever be."
"Don't pretend, I think you know I'm damn precious!"
"Well, Li-"
"And Hell yeah, I'm the motherfucking princess!"
"Light, that doesn't sou-"
"I can tell you like me too and I know I'm right!"
"Sound like you at all, too co-"
"She's like, so whatever,"
"Too commonly used..." Kiyomi trailed off, aggravation starting to slip into her voice and onto her elvish features.
"You could do so much better!"
"Excuse me, what are you doing here?" Light almost growled.
"I think we should get together now!"
"..."
"And tha-"
Light pulled the knob on his watch three times in quick succession.
"I mean, uh, bye now! Tootles! Hasta la vista! Aloha! Adios! Have a good night!" the young girl's farewells could be heard even after she closed the hotel room door and made her way down the hallway.
"Now, where were we?" Light cooed.
"The mood is dead."
[4. Every time she tries to speak, smack her.]
"S-"
Smack.
"Ow-"
Smack.
"Would you-"
Smack.
"I dem-"
Smack.
"Yo, dude, stop being a dumbfuck!" Abyss exclaimed, exasperated. "Even a puppy would know by now that talking equals slap! Now STFU!"
"I-"
Smack.
"Dumbbitch!"
[5. Attempt to see what she looks like without her makeup on.]
"Hey Takada!"
Takada sighed. "Yes?"
"What do you look like without makeup on?"
"... Why do you ask?"
"'Cause I bet you look like Fiona from Shrek!" Aya made an epic troll face.
Takada looked indignant. "Why would you think that?"
"'Cause you're a whore. Whores are usually ugly."
"..."
"Why don't you prove me wrong?"
Takada sighed, wetting a handkerchief in the sink and wiping her face gingerly.
There was hardly any difference.
Still...
Aya recoiled and gasped dramatically. "It's hideous!"
[6. Replace her guards with "stand-ins"]
"Takada, I think it is safe for you to leave the hotel now," Aya said, smiling pleasantly.
"Who are you?"
"The new head of your bodyguards. Don't worry, this is only temporary."
"Where are the rest of my guards?"
"Right there," Aya said, still smiling, and pointing to several giant chocolate bunnies.
"..."
"Trust me, they will be to your advantage to have. Just trust me. If you keep these as your guards, they will save your life, one-hundred percent guarantee."
". . ."
~AFTER TAKADA GETS KIDNAPPED/KILLED LOLOL~
Aya clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Shudda kept the bunnies."
[7. Tell her Light doesn't care about her.]
"OhmyGod Takada... I think there's something you should know." Aya said with deep- but fake- sincerity.
"And what is that, may I ask?" Takada's eye almost twitched as she struggled to keep her calm, placid exterior.
Cracking already? I haven't even done that much to her... Eh, why stop now.
"Yagami... He... He doesn't care about you, or Misa. Or Yuri or Yumi or anyone else, if they even count anymore... All of you are just his pawns!"
Takada coughed in her uber-annoying 'Refined Takada' way. "I find that ridiculous. It is obvious that Light cares for me, and me only."
[8. When she informs you that this is 'ridiculous', tell her about how Light ends up getting rid of her.]
"He does not! He's gonna kill you!"
"What?" alarm swept through Takada's face for a second before she wiped it off her features. "...I do not believe Light would do such a thing," she finally replied, placid as ever.
Refined Takada as always T.T
"Light is Kira... In one of your secret meetings, he will inform you and 'T' of this. 'T' is Teru Mikami, a prosecutor and known Kira supporter, though I suppose you know this. However, Light only gave Mikami the notebook because he was in a situation where he could not punish criminals. In about a week he will reveal that he is Kira to you, and ask you to become his 'Goddess' when he becomes God of the 'New World'. Then a while after that this epic dude named Mello will kidnap you, and Light'll kill you."
"..."
"I told you."
"..."
[9. Tell Mello about the hidden piece of the death note she has hidden in her... fannypack? WTF is it, anyway?]
"Psssst! Psssssssst!" Abyss randomly popped out of the nearest bush, even though they were in the middle of the city.
Mello glanced over his shoulder at the young girl standing behind him. "What th-"
"PSSSSSSST!"
"WHAT? ! I'M RIGHT HERE WHAT DO YOU WANT? !"
"Takada... she has a hidden piece of the death note! In her... uh... fannypack thing..."
"How do you kn-"
"I know. Trust me, I know."
"... Who ar-"
"I know everything."
"..."
~LATER LOLOL~
"Take off all your clothes and put them in that box. I was going to let you have a blanket, but... Take off the fannypack. Then you get the blanket."
"..."
[10. Make a poll- "Who should be with Light, Misa or Takada?" Then pay people to vote Misa.]
"Ah!" Aya exclaimed, "the results are in!"
Takada looked up from whatever she was staring at- Probably Light's ass. "Hn?"
"According to the fans, with a vote of 43957435743 to one... MISA should be with Light! Congratulations, Misa!"
"Yaaaaaaaay! I won I won! Take that, Kiyomi!" Misa shouted in her horribly annoying voice.
"..."
[11. Make her put on a schoolgirl costume and lock her in a closet with Shigure Sohma from Fruit's Basket. (For those of you that haven't seen Furuba, Shigure, uh... He's hilarious, but... 'High school girls, high school girls, all for me~!']
"Please don't touch me."
Shigure hummed. "Oh, but you look so nice in that uniform~!"
"..."
[12. Rewind and replay her death scene, all the while grinning like a hyena.]
Chester, Jax, Ash, Abyss, Falcon, and Fang all laughed (and went slightly pyro-maniac...) as Takada went up in flames, in between crying over Mello's death.
"...Was it really necessary to make me watch that awful footage twenty-four times?"
"Watching a bitch burn in Hell, take twenty-five!"
[13. Seriously maim her. When she is unconcious, tell her you called her an ambulance...]
"Ugh... What happened... I'm... I'm bleeding... So... dizzy..."
"Yo," Abyss said, standing over Takada's bleeding body.
"You... You stabbed me..."
"Don't worry, while you were unconscious I called you an ambulance."
~5 MINUTES EARLIER LOLOL~
"You're an ambulance! You're an ambulance! You're an ambulance!"
[14. Put dentist-strength numbing agent into her food right before her broadcasts. Extra points if you manage to put so much of it on there without her noticing the difference that her words become unintelligible.]
Ash did epic secret agent man moves down the hallway, clutching the Novocaine she had stolen from her mom's dental practice.
"Dunun, dunun, dunuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnn!" she hummed her own theme music as she slipped into Takada's house. She took a few careful steps into the kitchen before stopping to sniff the air. Oh? Is dinner ready? Takada was there, sitting at her dining room table, about to begin eating. Hm... Let's see... Taking one of the pencils/stabbing utensils she stole from Falcon out of her bag, she slipped unnoticed under Takada's table. Ash then threw the pencil as far as she could into the hallway, and it hit the wall with a small crash, and the sound of a probably-expensive-and/or-family-heirloom-dish followed. Takada, slightly startled, got up to investigate.
Ash almost laughed.
If my intent had been to kill her, she'd be walking into a deathtrap... Anyway. This is better than killing her.
Quietly, Ash slipped out from under the table, pouring liquid Novocaine into her expensive-looking food and mixing it in. As a final thought, she also mixed it with Takada's probably-imported-'spring'water.
Heh heh heh...
As soon as Takada settled in her seat, Ash crept away, mission accomplished.
Time to watch the news.
~LOLOL LATERZ LOLOL~
"Keera wilth altho-" Takada coughed her annoying 'Refined Takada' cough, attempting to clear her throat. "Keetha with al-" Another cough, and Takada's cheeks became tinted with pink. "Kentha willeth althanahi behnahnah judgecat thase how dough nut conthabutan ti sueciety..." Takada stopped, looking horrified, and ran off screen crying.
"LOL! That was so failllllll! 'Kira will also be judging those who don't contribute to society'! Haha I can say it and you can't! And sueciety? What's that? Society for Mary Sues? Sounds awful!"
[15. Replace the page of the death note she hides on her person with a page from a hardcore LxLight yaoi doujinshi. Yes, that does mean lemon. Extra points if it's illustrated.]
Takada, crying, reached into her fannybag-whatever-thing to find the page of her death note. It was her only hope... She had to kill Mello.
Takada found the sheet of paper, and almost with relief she pulled it to her chest. Mihael Keehl... That's all I need. However, when she looked down at the paper...
"...Oh my...Wha...I can't...This isn't...EW....I...I can't kill him now...Not with this... ... ...Fuck I'm screwed." Takada sobbed.
[16. Lock her in a closet with Misa.]
"Guess who's going in the closet~" Aya sang.
"OhmyKiranotagain..." Takada almost cried.
"Don't worry! It won't be Shigure-sensei this time!"
"...Sensei?"
"ORRR Pervy-sensei, if you like Naruto. ...Or if you don't. But either way she's someone you know and it's a she :D"
"...Please tell me it's not M-"
"HEY! One point to Takada!"
"..."
~LOLOL 10 MINUTEZ LATERZ LOLOL~
"UWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH? !"
"...You... You just bit me!"
"LIGHT IS MIEN, BITCH!"
[17. Burst into the truck with a battering ram right before she writes Mello's name down. Steal the paper from her and write her name. Be creative!]
'Kiyomi Takada, mauled by a crazed Mello fan and a bear... Armed with yellow Skittles.' As she finished writing, Abyss glanced down at her watch. Whoaaa I wear a watch? ! ...Oh, wait, no I don't. Looking up from her absence of a watch, Abyss glared at Takada. She had a sudden thought.
"Hey, how about that, we only have to wait 40 seconds for the bear and it's evil Skittles..."
She proceeded to rip Takada limb from limb :)
[18. Yuri Time~]
"Yuri time?" Yuri popped up out of nowhere.
"Not you, you filler character!" Aya whacked Yuri across the head, and the girl whimpered, fading away like all filler characters do. "Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, I just thought I'd show you what the fans think!"
"...About what?"
"You and Misa being together!"
". . ."
The tension rolling off the usually-calm Takada could be cut with a knife :)
[19. Send rabid dogs after her. Rabicity is optional, but you'll get extra points.
Did I just make up a new word?
Oh yes I did.]
As Takada ran, she kept tripping in her expensive high heals and stumbling over her luxurious fur coat.
It didn't take long for the dogs to catch up.
[20. Kill her.]
"Hey Takada! I just wanted to let you know that you're gonna die in about 35 seconds!"
" . . . "
Sorry if this chapter wasn't that funny D:
Next up is... The SPK! And redoing Misa, Near, and- if I work my ass- Matt & Mello.
Jackie-chan Dryer-kun-Jax-JaJa-Jacqueline, Ash-Ashee, Chester-Hannah, Tawny-Tawnehness, Moony-Cressi - You make that perverted, you die.
You see?
I even did a fail attempt at using the whole-name thing parents use without using your real names.
Fail.