A big Thank You! to everyone who has followed/faved/reviewed this fic because we have finally reached the end. Honestly, I never thought I'd get this far seeing that I first posted this story in 2011, but it feels amazing to finally have it completed. So really thank you lovely readers for all the support.

Now a few things, I will be leaving this fic marked as complete while I work on the rewrite and will upload all the rewritten chapters together instead of as I finish them. Also I know some of you will be disappointed with the ending, but it feels appropriate to end it this way with the way this fic evolved over the years and hope that you feel the same.

"…If I could I would shrink myself/and sink through your skin to your blood cells/and remove whatever makes you hurt but/I am too weak to be your cure…"

There were few things that Kowalski would never tire of and watching Rico paint was one of them. For a minute, Kowalski simply admired how Rico moved, noting all the subtle muscle movements beneath the bared skin of his arms. In a way, he was envious of the display and hated that his younger self believed for years that art was a useless and an insult to the act of creation. He had learned instead over trial and error, watching his own creations fail and backfire, that art was the purist form of creation and held, at once, all purpose and no purpose. He had missed the sight and didn't care that he was technically intruding/trespassing since Rico had no so subtly implied and later made clear that he needed to have more space between them. And while Kowalski understood the reason it didn't hurt any less.

Just like it didn't hurt any less when he noticed that Rico had found a friend in Julien and spent less time at the base and more time with the young king. It only made sense, even though Rico had been cleared to return to active duty he still wasn't cleared for field missions and had many limitations placed on him and Kowalski knew better than anyone what it was like to go a little stir crazy.

Then his attention was drawn to a canvas set against the wall opposite to the door- cool grays were broken by interconnecting grids of blue and red that shifted and twisted into a more organic shape in the center of the canvas.

"Like wires and veins had come together to show that the heart was merely part of a machine," Kowalski commented without thinking as he approached the canvas to get a better look. There was a slight gloss to some areas that told him that the piece was still drying.

The music stopped and Kowalski realized that Rico was looking at him with an expression that he could only interpret as why are you here?

"Sorry, I was heading up to the roof to get away from the lab for a bit and this caught my eye. It reminds me of a circuit board the way the lines are laid out, but the colors make me think of the cardiovascular system." When Rico didn't say anything, and turned his attention to cleaning the brush he'd been using Kowalski tried again. "Exploring the similarities between organic and inorganic?" He asked hoping for some answer any answer.

"Na, looked cool." Rico huffed and looked up at him. "Need som'in?"

Ouch. The indirect dismissal hurt and Kowalski reminded himself of why and how he had ended up in Rico's space. He also reminded himself that Rico was hurt and had taken to pushing him away and lashing out in small ways.

"I…." Kowalski stopped, his eyes catching the painting Rico was currently working on. Even with the flat colors he could make out the beginnings of a young man kneeling before what he could only assume to be an altar that held several candles, all black except for three. A green, a red and a purple candle burned in the darkness. Behind the alter was the vague shape of a women draped in dark cloth. Her face was partially obscured by shadow, but Kowalski could see the vague impressions of teeth jutting out of exposed bone of the jaw. Something twisted in Kowalski's gut at the sight. It had taken quite some time to identify that feeling and even longer to get used to feeling it. Which is why he couldn't help but feel nervous as he stood in Rico's presence, acutely aware of the tension between them and the words that he had wanted to say but hadn't known when he needed to. It was something that he had spent the weeks following the night of the party thinking about.

"Kowalski?" Rico's voice was soft and the man was looking at him with open concern. Worry intertwined with uncertainty and hurt. "You okay?" Rico asked and now the worry could be heard in his voice. Within seconds he was crossing the short distance between them. He reached out and hesitated for a moment before taking Kowalski's hands in his after noticing the way the other man had started to pick at his nails and cuticles.

Kowalski's mind zeroed in on the weight and warmth of Rico's hands around his. The intimacy he felt in just holding Rico's hand amazed him and terrified him at the same time. Often, he'd find himself observing Rico's hands when they worked together and the other man was out cold beside him, looking for some explanation as to why something so simple left him flustered. He'd trace the scars and callouses, memorize how the lines of his palm came together and marvel at how well their hands fit together. It made him wonder how well they might fit together in other ways. Rico gave his hands a gentle squeeze and Kowalski realized that he still hadn't responded to Rico's question.

"No. I'm not okay," as Kowalski uttered the words he could feel the dam break, "I love you." At the words, Rico recoiled as if burned and Kowalski narrowly caught hold of Rico's wrists. "Wait, please, just let me say my peace because if I don't say anything now, I don't think I'll be able to later."

For a moment, Rico just looked at him and Kowalski could tell he was weighing his options. Finally, Rico nodded and uttered a soft, "okay."

"The night of the party, there was one thing I said or rather didn't say that I should have and I wish that I had realized that sooner. There's a lot of things that I wish I had realized sooner and I'm sure this just sounds like I'm beating myself up over everything that's happened and in a way, I know I am, because I've been so angry with myself. Not just angry with how I treated you and dealt with Doris, but angry with myself for being a walking human disaster incapable of understanding and processing basic human emotions in a healthy way. But I mean it when I say I love you and it's not the same love that I feel toward Private or Skipper. For them I feel simply philia, but you it's not philia at least not anymore. It used to be and I don't know when it changed, maybe it just grew over the years without my notice, but however or whenever it happened, I realized that the love I feel for you is pragma." Kowalski traced Rico's palms with his thumbs relishing in the joy that came from the simple action.

"Enduring." Rico whispered the word and Kowalski heard a twinge of something in his voice that he just couldn't place. Perhaps it was hope?

"Yes. And unfortunately, an enduring love is hard to find and we tend to overlook it. Which is exactly what I did, I was so obsessed and instead spend so much time and energy trying to find realize that I already had in so many other ways and instead of learning how to maintain it…." Kowalski stopped recalling all the things he had done over the last few months, but quickly pushed those thoughts back, reminding himself that it was over and there was nothing he could do to change the past. "I'm sorry for all the word vomit, but I wanted, well, needed you to know that I love you about even though I do a terrible job of showing it," Kowalski shrugged as he said the only other thing that came to mind, "I'm broken." His voice broke on the last word and the silence left in the air was suffocating his hands slipped from Rico's as he planned his escape. He hadn't even managed to turn when Rico pulled him into an unexpected bone crushing hug. "R-Rico?"

"So am I," Rico whispered as he drew back to look at Kowalski meeting sharp blue eyes. His hands traveled across Kowalski's shoulders and down his arms before settling at the lieutenant's elbows. The action drawing the slightest shiver from the taller man. "We all are."

Kowalski swallowed thickly, "I don't think I can or ever could give you what you want in a relationship. I don't know how to, not with how I am. That's not something that can be fixed."

"Okay. Too soon anyway. Both of us need time and we'll figure it out together." Rico said with a gentle reassuring squeeze and a soft smile that make Kowalski's stomach twist in strange ways.

"Together." He agreed and couldn't help but smile in return, for the first time in months he felt hopeful. After a moment, Kowalski pulled away from Rico and gestured to the painting that Rico had been working on when he walked in, "so tell me about the painting you're working on now."

As they made their way over to the large canvas Kowalski couldn't help but feel like he was finally taking a step in the right direction to leave the mistakes he had learned from where they belonged in the past. He knew Rico was right, he was skipping ahead when they just needed to look at the next step. It would take a lot of time and effort on both of their sides, but if they managed fill the gaps between them then every second would be worth it.