Hope's End

Disclaimer: Suite Life is copyright Disney Channel. This is a fan work of appreciation only. I own nothing.

I was fine the entire month since we got the news up until the realization finally hit two hours ago and the tears began to flow in torrents. I don't understand this. Why do I feel this way about someone I don't love? Why can't I just be free of these stupid feelings forever? Why can't I convince myself to just let go?

Yes, she's going away for good. I've known it was coming for a long time. I was prepared for it. And I was fine with it. But now I'm breaking down for no reason.

Once upon a time, I had a stupid crush. I was 12 and she was 15. It's been four years since then. Four years for me to grow up and be over my childish fantasy. I was young and stupid. I used to make such a fool out of myself for her. It was all an illusion. A fantasy. At that age, you don't understand love. You're just a stupid little kid. Then you grow up, get over it, and eventually find your true soulmate. Right? Nothing ever comes out of first crushes.

She's a friend. And a very good friend. No, she's family. That's why I'm sad. Because a family member is leaving and I'll probably never see her again.

But even when dad left it never hurt this much.

I'm happy for her. I'm really happy for her. She got accepted into a prestigious school. She'll be living her dreams. She'll become successful.

She's been ecstatic since she got the news. I've never seen her so happy before. It's all she talks about since then. She's getting what she always dreamed of. I'm very excited for her.

And yet…

She's one of my closest friends. Whenever I had a bad day or was generally feeling down, she was the one who always listened. It became a habit, whether I was sad, hurt, or depressed, to go talk to her. Just seeing her smile had the power to turn gloom back into sunshine.

Heck, I would regularly talk to her whether I was feeling good or not just because. I wasn't trying to hit on her. I was over that. She was simply easy to talk to. I could tell her anything. And we talked about everything. Often.

God, I'm going to miss that. I have no one like that to go to now. My brother says I've mellowed up in the last few years. I think she was mostly responsible. When I have no one else to go to with my problems, worries, and doubts, am I going to start bottling it all up again?

Maybe I really never did let go of that childish crush. Maybe, even though I consciously grew up, my subconscious never quite got the hint. Perhaps that's it!

I remember, the first moment I ever saw her, I just knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I fantasized a lot about the times we would spend together someday. I daydreamed a lot about what our wedding would be like. I thought up many scenarios of how she would finally one day return my feelings. I ran over in my head mentally many ways about the moment I might actually succeed. Don't we all do that when we have our first lo… crush?

But then I grew up.

I began dating girls my own age. The illusion began to disappear. Sometimes it would come back for brief amounts of time. A week or two at the most. Then, I would come back to my senses and it would disappear again. I was free.

Or was I really?

We became good friends over these last few years. There never was any romantic attachment involved. But maybe in the back of my mind, I never did really let go. Maybe, somewhere along the line, I was thinking in my head I still had a shot. On a normal conscious level I knew better how things really were. But maybe I never fully convinced myself the way I intended to. The childish fantasy still lingered somewhere. But it was all in my mind, wasn't it? Wasn't it all just fake? Don't they say the heart is deceitful above all things or something like that?

Come on, Zack, I tell myself. You've had a ton of crushes in your time. And yet they never left you hurting like this!

But I can't love her! Because…

Why?

Because… she's… I…

I don't know, do I? When was it that my 'childish crush' really disappeared? Was it because I was rejected one to many times? Was it because I was constantly told that it would never work out and finally ended up believing in it just to cope? Was that when the walls finally went up?

She's a "friend".

She's a "family member".

Bah.

I'm pathetic.

I've never thought of her in any of those ways, have I?

Maybe, in the end, this is good for me. Maybe I can finally let this thing go once and for all. I will truly be free. I don't need her in my life to survive. I never did.

I keep saying that to myself, hoping that at some point soon my subconscious will register it and believe it.

Someday the right one will come along, and it will be nothing like I've ever experienced. It will wash all these false feelings away.

My brain screams at me: You think this is like anything you've ever experienced? Look in the mirror. You're a fricking mess!

I can only respond: No, I'm already feeling better! See? The tears are already going away! I can make it! I'm just upset about losing a good friend! That's all!

I sigh and as I lie comfortably in the sheets of my bed waiting for slumber to take hold of me. I begin thinking of many things. Mainly her, and all the times we had together. I am losing a friend tomorrow. And I will miss her. I will get over it eventually, but I will miss her.

I think of myself, as that stupid little kid, and all the stupid things I used to do to try to get her attention. I smile as the memories rush by. I chuckle at the corny schemes and lame pickup lines I used to use so often.

One memory sticks out in particular. It appears out of nowhere. It's us. At her prom night. Dancing. I'll never forget that night. She had booked her prom at the hotel, and everything that could go wrong was going wrong. It looked like the night would be a disaster. With some quick thinking, I managed to come up with a quick solution to save the day. I turned what could have been potentially the worst night of her life around. And I got to dance with her! I smile as I relive that night. I remember how I felt. It was like all my dreams were finally coming true! How I wished time would stop and we would dance for all eternity!

I was such a naïve kid back then.

But something in that flashback scene is missing.

Something important. It seems like I remember something else from that night…

Oh, yeah! I never forgot that when she said: "I'll dance with you at yours if you dance with me at mine."

That line gave me false hope for a long time. I actually did hold onto it for quite a while.

I don't have a girlfriend right now. I haven't had one in… half a year? Good God, has it really been that long? My prom is only weeks away. She's leaving tomorrow. I wonder, if I were still by myself and she were still here, would I have taken her up on it?

Wait, where did that thought come from?

Feelings begin pouring through me. Feelings I don't understand. I begin to think about that what that day might be like. Us. In a few weeks. On the floor. Dancing. What it could have been like.

I begin to feel things. Things I haven't felt in years. It's like something falls off of me all of a sudden. A wall comes crashing down. A dam breaks. I think about what I felt that original night. I think about that promise that was made.

A wave of pain rushes over me as I realize that it truly will never really happen.

Don't you understand, Zack? My brain tries to tell me. You never "got over" it. You failed. You knew you didn't have a chance. You realized nothing you could say or do would alter a thing. You just didn't want to fess up to it. At least that stupid little kid never gave up. You've simply been fooling yourself all this time.

Her face…

Her smile…

Oh, God… she's leaving tomorrow and I'm never going to see her again!

The tears find their way down my cheeks again.

Two years ago, you cried like this, too, didn't you? You realized it was futile and you gave up. It was the only way you could deal with the pain.

"How?" I whisper through tears softly to no one. "I was a dumb kid. I wasn't capable of falling in love."

You were right. It did start as a stupid crush. But it turned into love. You almost realized that… but you gave up.

The voice that whispers to me from my brain is right.

Oh, my God. I think I really do love her!

I think I loved her a long time ago.

But hope finally wore out.

And as I reached hope's end, I gave up.

What if I hadn't given up? Would the present be different or unchanged?

I'll never know now! It's too late!

No it's not! She's still here!

But plans can't be changed!

Probably not. But you still don't have to give up. You never had to give up.

But what if I fail again?

What have you got to lose at this point?

What have I got to lose?

Something takes over me. I immediately get up out of bed, dry my eyes, and grab something off the dresser. Silently, so as not to wake anyone, I quietly slip out of my room and through the suite until I make my way out into the hallway. I take a deep breath and slump down to the ground as I flip open the cell phone I brought and hit a button. (Yes. I have her on speed dial.)

It suddenly occurs to me that I might not actually reach her at this time with it being nearly one in the morning. I sigh and wait anyways as it continues to ring.

click

"Hello?"

Oh, my God. Am I really going to do this?

"Hello?"

I swallow my breath and respond.

"Maddie?" I choke out more than I intend to.

"Yes… who this is?"

"It's Zack."

"Zack? Is everything alright?"

"No… no it's not. I have... I have to tell you something."

She sounds concerned. "What is it, Zack?"

I am going to do this. Several years ago I gave up all hope. I never got it back. I do this not because I believe I stand a chance. I do this because I have nothing to lose. This is my final shot. I gave up before. But I'm making up for it now. I know I'm about to get shot down. But at least I won't spend the rest of my life regretting not trying. Even though I will likely fail, I truly will finally be free. Not of my feelings. They will never change. But I'll be able to move forward with no more worries. No more hiding. No matter how much it will hurt.

This is it.

I have no more hope.

I am about to have no more regrets.

This is it.

"Zack?" her voice comes from the other end. I've been sitting here dumbly unable to say anything. I have to respond before she thinks I've disappeared from the phone or something. It's now or never.

"I love you, Maddie."

End.