Thing's I'll Never Have…

She was smiling.

She smiled with the wind against her hair and tears rolling down her face. She was quiet as she stood against the balcony, trying to be strong.

I didn't get it.

She was childish, optimistic, so blatantly... pure that the sadness on her features seemed out of place.

A familiar voice echoed at the back of my head: You're making things up. Was my mind playing tricks on me? I have forgotten how my common sense sounded like.

It was cold that night, windy.

I stared at her, watched how her black gown and hair moved to the wind's will. She breathed deeply, constantly.

What was wrong with her? What was wrong with me? I could have walked away, walk past her, pretend I hadn't seen anything and walk back into the manor; I could have mocked her misery. What, exactly, had stopped me?

Could have been anything. Her tearful eyes, her melancholic expression, or how I knew how Ciel's rejection felt like. Maybe it was how stunning she looked with her hair down and her black gown.

She looked nothing like the time I met her. It was different. She was different.

She kept her gaze on the floor-tiles beneath her heels when I heard the first sob, her shoulders moving up and down as she held her aching chest.

You can feel it, too?
Of course I can.
Miserable, weak child.

I wouldn't move. I didn't want to. She was supporting herself against the balcony, with her hands over her chest. My heart beat increased as I watched her, and I felt the sudden urge to comfort her, nagging at my bones.

Why? I didn't know. Her fragile strength, I guess.

She finally noticed I was there, and her face was fearful, almost disgusted that someone saw her like this. I smiled at her against my will, hoping she'd calm down and notice that I knew and I wouldn't tell a soul. It was a touchy subject, I knew.

And then she carefully dried her tears, gained composure and smiled back at me. She patted the spot beside her and turned around, gracefully, facing the Manor gardens.

I was hesitant as I walked towards her.

She'll turn into your debility.

What if I wanted her to be? I tried to shut the voice down, hearing their wailings against my decision, left them mumbling incoherent things.

I stood beside her in silence. She kept her voice to herself. She wasn't complaining, we didn't move.

-What has happened, that has got you like this?- that was a surprise to me, too.

-It's nothing new.- she sighed.

-Is it about him? - she stared at me, quietly asking for an explanation for my bluntness -. There are things people keep as a secret, miss Middleford, but this...

-This is a great gossip. I know, Alois - she stared at the stars above us and lost her handkerchief to the wind -. I'd love to say it wasn't obvious.

She took a minute to think over her words as she stared at her hands.

I expected her words. I wanted–needed–her to tell me the truth. I wanted her to understand the world was everything but perfect or happy or anything along those lines. She needed to know. The world was unfair, corrupt, sick. Just like I was.

She stared back at me and laughed as she said:

-But even I could notice - I nodded at her words and she smiled against her will -. I saw the lust-filled glances, and watched their constant flirting. It used to sadden me, I pretended that there was nothing between them, and imagined a fantasy for myself. Ciel and I would get married, have children of our own –albeit against my father's wishes–. Sebastian would stay in his place and you wouldn't be pestering him all the time. It was perfect.

When exactly had she noticed?

-I know it must be a surprise to you -she laughed against her hand, if mockingly -. Truth be told, so was I when you took me out to dance. You smiled brightly at me, knowing my lack of trust, and tried to make me believe it was something you wanted. I knew what you truly wanted was to make him jealous.

Her shoulders shook. Her words were cold against my skin.

Her happiness was acted, her actions a lie. Her fragile, porcelain, weakness was faked. And her laughs and smiles were like a children's tale.

We had so much in common.

-But it backfired, right? Ciel loves me, but never that way.

Her voice cleared my thoughts, noticing she had a lot of things to say, I felt pity for her.

Odd enough, I think I was falling for her.

-I am his fiancée -she hesitated -, but sometimes it feels like he forgets that.

-You could do better.

She laughed half-heartedly and fixed her gown and played with the twirls in her hair to make them presentable. She was quite pretty, I admit.

-Thank you, Alois.

-… I–what for, my lady?

-For listening.

She hopped all the way back to the Manor as I fixed my own clothes. My frantic heartbeat eventually becoming slower. I had liked her more than was necessary. Her free spirit had attracted me somehow.

Freedom. You'll never have that.

Stupid mind, isn't it? Always too late for a conclusion. I liked her as much as I wished for her freedom. Freeness I would lack, for I had sold my soul to a demon.

I, Alois Trancy, fell in-love with a woman that had freedom.

Even better! I had fallen for someone I would never have!

Fin

I actually am an Alois/Elizabeth shipper, thank you very much (or, at least I was). Revising this was ridiculous, I'll admit.

Shout out to Amber Phantomhive for helping me out with grammar last time.

Kuroshitsuji/Moonoshitsuji is owned by Yana Toboso

C.C. Cr0ss

––Edit: May 14, 2015––