A/N: This story was semi-inspired by the movie The Hangover (the first one, I haven't seen the sequel yet). I know it's a bit long for a one-shot, but I hope you enjoy it :)
Warnings: Contains profanity and some suggestive material.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the Hangover
The Hangover: Next Generation Style
Harry surveyed the three individuals sitting across the table from him.
His middle son Albus (who was supposed to be the good one of his children) was sitting at the table in only a pair of pants. His eyes were bloodshot and a shiner was beginning to form around the left one.
His niece, Rose, was sitting beside Albus. She was wearing Albus' t-shirt, which thankfully meant all of her parts were covered now. She kept on looking back and forth worriedly between her father and the boy on her left.
On her left sat Scorpius Malfoy, Albus' best friend, and now it looked like Rose's boyfriend.
Or maybe he was Albus' boyfriend.
Harry just didn't know anymore...
Scorpius for once was without his trademark smirk on his face. Maybe because of the fact all that he was wearing was a bedsheet wrapped around his waist, or maybe because Rose's father was giving him a death glare.
Harry looked worriedly to his left at Ron, who looked like he was going to have a coronary any moment.
And then there was that tiger sitting on the floor…or Zabini as the kids had claimed.
Harry wasn't sure where to begin. There just wasn't parenting manuals that dealt with what he had just seen…
[15 Minutes Ago]
[Saturday 9:46 AM]
Harry had jerked open the door of Albus' bedroom, fully intending to wake up Albus and give him the talking to of a liftetime about the new sunlight in the roof of his beach house, only to be met with the surprised face of Rose Weasley.
Naked.
In Albus' bed.
With Scorpius Malfoy.
Naked in Albus' bed with Scorpius Malfoy.
Harry thought he must have been seeing things until from behind he heard a low growl.
"YOU BLOODY BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU."
Harry had just enough time to grab Ron's arm so the curse aimed at Scorpius' head was redirected towards Albus' closet.
The curse made a loud cracking sound on impact and Harry heard his son's voice exclaim "FUCK! You just scratched me!"
All eyes turned towards the closet which now had a large scorch mark on the door.
Harry slowly made his way towards the closet door.
Harry had already seen the gigantic hole in his living room roof. He had just found his niece naked in bed with Scorpius Malfoy. He had thought that he would have been prepared to see anything.
He was wrong.
He had expected to find Albus in the closet. Possibly naked. Possibly with a girl.
What he did not expect to find was Albus naked in the closet with a tiger.
A fucking tiger! With sharp teeth and large claws.
Harry acted on instinct. He grabbed Albus' arm and pulled him out of danger, and then launched the strongest stunning spell he knew at the tiger before it could attack Albus again.
The tiger fell to the floor with a loud thud.
Everyone stared in shocked silence.
Oh God…Harry's heart had been beating a mile a minute. He wasn't young anymore, he—
"OH MY GOD! ZABINI!" His niece shrieked and all eyes turned to her as she leapt out of bed, and as Harry and everyone in the room got quite the eyeful he was reminded once again that she was not wearing any clothes.
Harry's hand quickly went to cover his eyes, and he said "Rose, I think—"
Harry was interrupted by Rose exclaiming "What are we going to do? He's unconscious! What if he's seriously injured?"
Before Harry could reply that, yes the tiger was unconscious, and seeing as it had just been attacking Albus he wasn't particularly concerned if it was injured, he felt his wand being plucked out of his hand and heard Rose say "Rennervate."
"Rose! Get away from there!" Harry heard Ron yell at his daughter.
Harry's eyes popped open and he saw his niece crouched over the tiger which was slowly beginning to come to.
Before Harry or Ron could do anything Albus had stepped in front of Rose and the tiger and said "Dad, Uncle Ron, this isn't a tiger. It's Marcus Zabini."
The other two kids nodded in agreement.
"The tiger is Marcus Zabini." Harry repeated very slowly.
The three kids nodded in agreement again, as the tiger looked Harry in the eye and then slowly got up and came and sat docilely by Albus.
Harry took a deep breath, "Alright, I am going to give you kids a chance to explain exactly what the hell is going on, but first could the three of you please put some clothing on."
"Uhh, well," Scorpius said, running his hand through his hair, "We kind of don't know where our clothes are."
Harry cleared his throat.
The three kids looked up at him nervously.
"Would anybody care to tell me what the fuck is going on here?"
Nobody said anything. All the kids surreptitiously avoided meeting his eyes.
"Why don't we start with the tiger." Harry prompted.
"Dad we already told you it isn't a tiger. It's Zabini."
"Right, so why don't you tell me why Marcus Zabini is currently a tiger."
"Well we were having a small get together—"
"Albus there is a gigantic hole in my ceiling. Somehow I doubt it was a small get together."
"Alright, we were having a party…"
[Friday 9:33 PM]
"Potter, I've got to say that this is turning out to be some party. Almost as good as the ones James used to throw." A slightly inebriated Marcus Zabini said, patting Albus on the back.
The group of people standing around all nodded.
"Well I have something that is going to make it a little bit more exciting" Albus said, pulling a small package out of his pocket. He held it out in the palm of his hand so everyone could see.
"Oh, a candy!" Mike Goyle said, reaching over to grab it out of Albus' hand.
Albus quickly moved his hand out of Goyles' reach and said to his bemused audience "This isn't just any candy. This is a brand new experimental Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes prototype. Very first one of its kind. I nicked it from my Uncle's lab."
"What does it do?" Somebody in the crowd called out.
"It allows a person to temporarily morph into an animal."
"Like an animagus?"
"Yeah exactly, it draws out your inner animagus. It doesn't last long though, only about an hour."
"Cool!" Somebody in the crowd said.
"So which of you lucky guys wants to try it out?"
Silence. Dead silence. Evidently experimental novelty items were not an easy sell.
"Why don't you try it out Potter?" Colby Finnegan replied.
"Because as your esteemed host I have a responsibility to make sure all my guests are looked after, which I won't be able to do as an animal."
"Yeah right Potter! You're probably just afraid you'll turn into a snake." John McLaggen said and Albus wondered why he had even been invited.
"McLaggen! Where's your Gryffindor bravery? You'd be the perfect one to try it." Albus shot back.
"No way. I'm not trying out some experimental product. Key work being experimental."
"Oh, that's no fun. Nobody is brave enough to try it out?" Sophia Dahl said pouting.
All the male eyes turned to her. Sophia Dahl was the girl with the best rack in the school, which she happened to be displaying very prominently in a low cut dress.
"Well, considering that none of my mates here are brave enough I guess I'll have to step up to the plate. I hate to disappoint a lady." Zabini said suavely, flashing Sophia a smile.
Zabini had been chasing after Sophia since fourth year, and for all his good looks and charm still could not get the time of day from her.
Sophia smiled at him, and that was all the encouragement Zabini needed to reach into Albus' hand, grab the candy, and put it into his mouth.
"So let me get this straight," Harry said "You not only stole an experimental Weasley Wizard Wheezes product, but you also thought it would be a good idea to try it out and and because of this that tiger is actually your friend Marcus Zabini."
"Yes." Albus said sheepishly.
"And this transformation was only supposed to last an hour?"
"Yes."
"Well I'm sure that George will be able to find a way to fix Zabini but—"
"Screw Zabini! I want to know what that pervert was doing with my daughter!" Ron exclaimed, as he pointed an accusing finger at Scorpius.
"Well you see Daddy," Rose began very carefully, "Scorpius and I were really tired so we decided to leave the party and go rest but it was really hot so—"
"Rose," Harry said interrupting his niece, "Your father and I are not idiots. Just tell us the truth about what happened."
[Friday 10:57 PM]
"Rose, you need to deal with your boyfriend." said an exasperated Albus as he led a stumbling Scorpius over to her.
"Rosie! Don't you look pretty tonight. And you're hair! It's so-so-so shiny." exclaimed Scorpius as he leaned in to grasp one of her locks between his fingers.
"Scorpius, how much have you had to drink?"
"More than Albus."
"And how much has Albus had to drink?"
"Lots," Scorpius said aloud, and then he leaned over to whisper in Rose's ear, "In fact I think he might be drunk." Except due to his inebriated state his whisper came out as more of a shout.
Before Rose could berate Scorpius for yelling in her ear Scorpius' mouth had moved to her neck, where he was now planting sloppy kisses.
"Scorpius, we're in public." Rose hissed at him, as she pushed his head away from her neck.
The next thing Rose knew Scorpius had flung her over his shoulder and was carrying her out of the living room and away from the rest of the party-goers.
"Scorpius! Put me down!" Rose demanded, pounding her fists on his back.
Scorpius however just continued walking down the hallway towards the bedrooms.
"What are you doing?" Rose asked him.
"Taking you somewhere that isn't public." Scorpius said, and he opened one of the bedroom doors and unceremoniously dumped Rose onto the bed.
"Scorpius, I'm not going to shag you in one of my cousin's beds." Rose said, after she had righted herself on the bed.
"Don't worry this is the guest room." Scorpius answered.
"You're not really drunk are you?"
"No. Well, maybe a little bit. I just wanted an excuse to get you alone. And now that we're alone…" Scorpius said, as he leaned in and kissed Rose.
"You're—You're—dating Malfoy?" Ron spluttered.
"Yes, Daddy. He's my boyfriend. We've been together for four months now."
"But—but—" Ron began, but then trailed off, and seemed to lapse into a stupor.
"You'd think he would have been more upset about the shagging part rather than the dating part." Albus commented.
Rose and Scorpius both shot Albus death glares.
Harry could sense Albus' impending doom (self-preservation for some reason was a skill Albus had yet to pick up in his seventeen years of life), and so Harry quickly interjected, "And how did you end up involved in all of this Albus?"
"I joined them later that night." Albus said.
Oh God. Harry gulped, unsure of how to continue. None of the parenting books he had read dealt with how to confront your child over the fact that they had evidently had a threesome with their friend and their cousin.
"Now I know when you're young there are lots of new experiences to be had and people like to experiment but—."
"For Christsake Rosie! Albus is your cousin!" Ron exclaimed, breaking out from his stupor.
"Dad! I didn't sleep with Albus!" Rose exclaimed in indignation.
"No! That's totally not what I meant!" Albus protested at the same time, waving his hands back and forth emphatically, apparently only realizing now that he might not have phrased his sentence in the best way.
"Why don't you explain what you meant then?" Harry said, hoping that Albus had some sort of explanation that didn't involve a threesome.
[Friday 2:26 AM]
Mark Rochan, the Ravenclaw Prefect and arithmancy whiz, had started singing.
On the first day of summer at Albus Potter's amazing beach party.
There were twelve people dancing.
Eleven Slytherins slithering.
Ten tiny miniskirts.
Nine empty glasses.
Eight quidditch players.
Seven people stumbling.
Six people snogging.
And I've had five shots of firewhiskey!
There's four hot blondes.
Three cookies.
Two wands a waving.
And one lit Weasley Wizard Wheezes Firecracker.
As Albus listened to Mark sing he was amazed by the inebriated Mark's counting abilities as there was indeed four hot blondes in the room, three cookies left on the food table, and two wands waving while their owners lit a Weasley Firecracker…OH SHIT!
Before Albus could do anything there was loud BANG! and the next thing he knew the firecracker was speeding towards the ceiling. Everyone craned their neck upwards and Albus watched in horror as the firecracker tore through the roof and then continued on into the night sky where it exploded into a shower of colours.
"AWESOME!" Albus heard somebody in the crowd yell.
Albus however did not feel awesome. Albus was drunk, but even in his drunken state he knew that his parents would freak out when they found a hole in the ceiling of their beach house. As Albus looked around desperately for Rose and Scorpius, they would know what to do, he felt a nudge at his side. He looked down and saw a tiger—Zabini he meant.
"What?" Albus asked.
Zabini looked at Albus, and then at the gigantic hole in the ceiling.
"I know, I know. I need to find Rose and Scorpius so they can help me fix the roof."
Zabini nudged Albus again, and then gestured his head towards the crowd of people who had gone back to partying as if nothing had happened.
'Yeah, I need to get rid of them too. I just don't know how—"
Albus was cut off by Zabini who let off a mighty roar.
Everyone in the house froze.
Zabini looked expectantly at Albus.
"ALRIGHT. THE PARTY IS OVER. EVERYONE CLEAR OUT!" Albus yelled to the crowd.
There was some chattering among the crowd, but a menacing look from Zabini was all it took for them to begin to gather their stuff and clear out. Among the crowd Sophia Dahl began to stumble towards the exit, and Zabini looked meaningfully at Albus before following after her.
The crowd continued to clear out until there was only a few stragglers left, including Mike Goyle (whom Albus thought had probably consumed his own weight in alcohol tonight). Goyle could still walk thank god, but not very well, as evidenced by him stumbling into John McLaggen.
"WATCH IT IDIOT!" McLaggen yelled at Goyle.
Goyle, not liking being called an idiot, turned and punched McLaggen in the face.
Great, just what he needed, a drunken brawl! Where was Zabini when you needed him? Albus thought as he rushed over to the small group of stragglers who had stopped to look at Goyle and McLaggen, no doubt hoping for a fight.
Goyle however had no interest in fighting McLaggen and so after he had punched him he simply turned his back to McLaggen and began to stumble once again towards the door. McLaggen on the other hand did not feel the same way, and so he launched a confundus charm at Goyle. Unfortunately McLaggen also happened to be fairly inebriated, and so his aim was not very good. Albus arrived at the scene, and maybe if he hadn't been drunk himself would have been able to doge the poorly aimed confundus charm.
The next thing Albus knew he was lying on the ground staring up at the ceiling. Albus lay there wondering what he was doing on the floor.
Albus slowly got up and looked around.
Messy. The house was very messy. Something had happened here. Maybe it had been a battle… Albus should clean the house, otherwise his mom would come and yell at him to clean his room like she yelled at James.
"Don't worry mom, I'm going to clean my room." Albus said.
Something pulled at Albus' shirt. Albus looked down and saw a little doggy.
"Hello doggy."
The doggy pulled on his shirt again and then started walking off, its tail going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth…
Albus followed the tail until he got to his bedroom door. His room, he needed to clean it. Albus opened the door and stumbled in, closing it behind him.
Dark. It was dark. Too dark to clean his room, Albus thought. Oh well, he could always clean it in the morning. Albus took off his clothes and put them away in his dresser before getting into his bed. He was asleep the moment his head hit the pillow.
[Saturday 9:34 AM]
Rose felt a warm hand massaging her breast. She sighed in contentment and opened her eyes expecting to see her boyfriend's face, instead she saw a stranger.
"AHHHH!" Rose screamed.
The stranger's eyelids popped open to reveal green eyes. The hand froze on her breast.
"A-Albus?" Rose asked.
Albus stared at Rose.
Rose stared at Albus.
"You want to take your hands off of my girlfriend Potter?" Scorpius, who had awoken during the commotion, said.
Rose and Albus both looked down at Albus' hand which was still on Rose's breast.
"PERVERT!" Rose screamed before she slugged Albus in the face hard enough for him to fall off of the bed.
"Owww! Fuck Rose that hurt!" Albus cried as he now brought the offending hand up to clutch the left side of his face.
"Well you deserved it—and WHY ARE YOU NAKED?" Rose screamed, pointing at Albus.
"I always sleep in the nude." Albus answered as he glanced desperately around the room for his clothing.
"BUT WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Rose yelled
"Rose, I think you need to calm down a bit love. Potter, what exactly are you doing here? Because I know I was drunk last night, but I wasn't that drunk." Scorpius added in.
"What am I doing here? The question is what are you doing here?" Albus shot back.
Scorpius rolled his eyes, before saying "Clearly I wanted some privacy to shag my girlfriend—"
"In my bedroom?" Albus cut in.
"This is the guest bedroom Potter." Scorpius answered.
"The guest bedroom with a picture of me holding up the quidditch cup on the nightstand?" Albus asked, pointing to the photo on the nightstand.
Rose and Scorpius both peered over at the nightstand to see a picture of Albus in his seeker robes holding the Hogwarts quidditich cup aloft after Slytherin had won the cup in fifth year.
Rose's head whipped towards Scorpius, "You said this was the guest bedroom!"
"I guess I was a bit more drunk than I thought." Scorpius said sheepishly.
"I think you two owe me an apology for shagging in my bed and then attacking me afterwards." Albus said.
"Oh no Potter. We were here first, so even if this is your bedroom this is still your fault because you decided to crawl into bed with us instead of finding somewhere else to sleep like a normal person would. And I would like to know why exactly you thought it would be a good idea to sleep here when your bed was obviously already occupied." Scorpius said.
That was a good question. One that Albus did not have an answer readily available for. He remembered coming into his room last night, and it being dark but it was not like he was as sloshed as Mike Goyle that he wouldn't have noticed there was somebody already in his bed—Mike Goyle. John McLaggen. Him being confounded. It all came back to Albus in a rush.
"I was confounded!" Albus exclaimed.
"Confounded?" Rose asked suspiciously.
"Yes! McLaggen tried to confound Goyle last night but he hit me instead. In my confounded state I didn't even notice that the two of you were already in my bed."
"You may have been confounded last night but that doesn't explain why you were groping me this morning." Rose pointed out.
"I was dreaming." Albus said with a blush.
"Dreaming? About wha…" Rose trailed off as she realized what exactly Albus must have been dreaming about.
"So let me get this straight, the three of you did not have sex with each other, and you three being naked and waking up together in the same bed was the result of Scorpius and Rose deciding to shag in the wrong room and Albus being confounded?" Harry verified.
"Yes." All three of the kids said in unison.
"Okay, but how exactly did you end up naked inside of a closet with a tiger Albus?" Harry asked.
[Saturday, 9:42 AM]
"Well this has been incredibly awkward," Scorpius said, "But now that we have got everything sorted out—"
"Holy shit! It's a tiger!" Rose shrieked, and the next thing Albus and Scorpius knew Rose had picked up the closest thing to her (which happened to be Albus' picture from his nightstand) and whipped it at the tiger's (Zabini's) head.
Zabini managed to duck in time luckily, but the picture did not fare so well and now lay amongst a pile of shattered glass on the floor.
"Rose stop! It's Zabini." Scorpius explained as he grabbed her arms to keep her from trying to throw anything else.
"…Oh, I forgot." Rose said sheepishly, "Sorry Marcus."
Zabini eyed Rose warily before slowly getting up from where he had been crouching on the floor and making his way over towards the bed.
"Alright, well seeing that Zabini is still a tiger, Albus was confounded last night and who knows what else happened, it's clear that we have some things to sort out. However before doing that I think the first thing that needs to happen is everyone needs to get dressed." Scorpius said.
"I don't see my clothing anywhere or my wand." Rose said, surveying the empty floor.
"Well they must be here somewhere." Scorpius said as he got out of the bed to begin searching for their belongings.
"…Holy Shit! Is that a hole in your roof Harry?"
The children froze as they heard the voice of Rose's father echo from somewhere outside the house.
"Shit! Our parents are here." Albus said.
"What are we going to do? Our parents are going to find all of us here naked and with an illegally transformed tiger and they're going to think that—"
"We need to hide!" hissed Albus, interrupting Rose's panic attack.
"Where?" asked Scorpius.
"The closet!" Albus said, pointing to the closet, which he quickly herded Zabini over to. Albus pulled open the door and pushed Zabini in. However Zabini was a very large tiger and it was very small closet, and with Zabini inside there was barely enough room for another person to fit inside.
"Shit! It can only fit one person!" Scorpius exclaimed.
"Sorry." Albus said to Rose and Scorpius before stepping into the closet and moving to close the door.
Scorpius' arm caught the door before Albus managed to close it. "Why do you get to be the one to hide in there?" Scorpius demanded.
"Because if you hide in here that will leave me and Rose naked together in my bedroom and it will look like I had sex with my cousin, which is totally wrong. And if Rose hides in here that will leave you and me naked together and I don't want to have to convince my parents that I'm not gay. So good luck." Albus said before slamming the closet door closed.
"And that's what happened." Albus said, "And after that, well, you know the rest."
"So you're telling me that the three of you being naked in a bedroom together, Zabini being turned into a tiger, the hole in my roof, and finding Albus in a closet with a tiger, is all due to a series of drunken mistakes, poor judgement calls, and coincidences leading to this highly improbable sequence of events?"
"Yes." The three kids said in unison.
"Alright, I believe you." Harry said.
"You believe us?" Albus asked in surprise.
"Well considering the only other alternative is a disturbing scenario involving a threesome and bestiality, yes, I believe you."
The three kids all broke into grins.
"However this does not meant that the three of you are off the hook for your incredibly irresponsible and stupid behaviour. We will be contacting your father Scorpius and together we will decide on a fitting punishment for the three of you." Harry said, and he and Ron (who still appeared to be rather stunned by the events of the morning) got up to go to the fireplace to floo call Scorpius' father.
"That went better than I thought it would." Albus said with a grin.
"That went well?" Scorpius said in disbelief "Your parents have just gone to floo call my father so they can discuss the fact that we had a wild party at your beach house which resulted in a hole being blasted in your roof, Zabini being changed into a tiger, and the three of us waking up in bed together!"
"Exactly! And considering the facts I think we are getting off pretty light. And with all this drama Uncle Ron barely even got upset over the fact that you and Rose are dating."
"That's true," Rose said, "I wonder what happened to our clothes though?"
[Saturday, 3:17 AM]
Zabini was pissed. Not drunk pissed, like he normally was at parties, but angry pissed.
The whole tiger thing had started out well. Sophia had fawned over him at the beginning, leaning over to scratch his ears while giving him a very nice view of her bosom. However eventually the novelty of him being a tiger had worn off, and she had gone off to dance with her friends. After that Zabini had had to contend with the attentions of a bunch of drunken idiots who thought it was fun to chase the tiger around and try to pull its tail.
Still, being a tiger had been neat, but after a couple of hours Zabini had begun to get worried as the transformation had failed to wear off. Unfortunately, being a tiger Zabini had been unable to express this concern verbally. Zabini had tried to get Albus' attention several times that evening, however Albus had been too busy chatting up Sarah Longbottom to pay any attention to him. Rose and Scorpius had also been occupied, having disappeared earlier that night to shag. Which had left Zabini to wander around hopelessly trying to find someone who could understand the fact that No, he did not want a pat on the head, but what he really would like was if somebody could turn him back into a human being. He had also had to contend with the growing urge to sit down and lick himself.
Then the firecracker had torn through the ceiling and Zabini had known that he needed to help Albus out before things really began to get out of control. When the people had begun to clear out Zabini had noticed Sophia stumbling and so had made sure that she had made it safely to the portkey that would take her home (Zabini was a gentleman after all, even if he was stuck in a tiger's body).
Zabini had returned to the beach house after to find the living room empty. After waiting in vain for several minutes for Albus to remember about him, Zabini had gone through the house searching for Albus. In this case being a tiger had come in handy, as Zabini had found he could easily locate Albus' scent, which he had followed towards one of the bedrooms. Unfortunately though the door had been closed, however after much struggle Zabini had eventually been able to turn the doorknob with his mouth.
And then he found Rose, Scorpius, and Albus all in bed together.
Those Fuckers! Zabini thought. Having a threesome without him!
Zabini saw Rose and Scorpius' clothing and wands on the floor. Zabini grinned. He'd teach them not to mess with Marcus Zabini.
"Do you really believe the kids' story?" Ron asked Harry.
"Well, it would be kind of hypocritical not to. Remember the morning after the Battle of Hogwarts victory party when you, me, and Hermione all woke up in bed together?"
A/N: So what do you think? Feel free to leave a review.