I met him on pre-K…the first time I saw him I thought that he had some kind of disease, no one sane could have those caterpillar eyebrows… he had second hand clothes, his flannel shirt too big for his slender frame and a big stupid smile on his lips…he was Kendall Knight, the owner of those emerald eyes that plagued my most heated dreams and my most horrific nightmares…the same guy that stole everything from me…dramatic I know, some of you might not believe me, that´s why I will tell you how he took away my father´s memories, my mother´s love, my best friends, my dreams and my heart…
CHAPTER 1
First grade.
I was beaming when I walked to meet my mom outside of school, I was going back to my father's place, I hated living with my mom, she was so uptight and loved to yell at me. I was wearing my dad's lucky beanie, the one he had on his first trip to Europe, my birth and just about any special moment in his life, he had given it to me so I could remember him while I was in school and return it when I saw him again; my mom hate it saying that it was a horrible piece of clothing but thanks to God I could keep it in my head away from her claws and the dump.
"James!" I turned to see a blond kid running straight to me, I easily avoided his arms not noticing that his hand found its way to my head taking away my beanie.
"Give it back!" I shouted running after him completely forgetting that my mom was watching me.
"James Diamond!" I stopped dead when she forcefully called my name "Get here this instant"
"But mom he has my…"I pointed Kendall who was PUTTING ON THE BEANIE!"Hey give it back Kendork!" I went to take it from him but my mom stopped me.
"James! You´re not defying me anymore, it all this is because of that thing your father gave you then he can keep it!" she grasped my arm kind of hurting me.
"But mom!" she started dragging me back to the car when the blond screamed my name.
"Sorry, here" he lent the beanie back to me and I was about to take it when my mom slapped my hand away and gave me a look that made me shudder.
"Keep it, it already has your flees" I furrowed my nose, if I took it back my mom would get mad and…yeah my mom wasn't pretty when she was mad… besides maybe if I used it now his ugly eyebrows could be infective and grow in my face.
"Oh…thanks" he shyly walked away. My mother opened the car´s door and I got in watching him put the beanie back on. Two weeks later my father moved away leaving me to live permanently with my mother, he didn't leave anything behind except me and that beanie.
I opened my eyes glaring at the ceiling, according to my inner clock it was around five am, I wasn't tired even if I had gone to sleep three hours ago…great another sleepless night. Recently I had too many of those, maybe it was due to the whole lot of work the old man put me through…but I had to earn the meal right?
Sighing I got up resting my back on the bed frame and turning on the TV knowing that sleep was ages away. I surfed through the channels tired of having those flashbacks every night, I didn't even know what was about that beanie that obsessed me that much, my dad had been tired of his life and ran away from us abandoning me thinking that I was happy with an annual birthday card…yeah pretty life for any kid…even like that I wanted the beanie back, I knew that after all I had been the one giving the beanie to the blond, but out of hurt I kept telling myself that if he hadn't taken it from me I might still have it, a little something to hold on instead of the father any kid should have…it wasn't my fault that the man was a rock star wannabe who at his forty years still thought that he could make it.
Getting pissed at the cable company for not having anything worth my time at this time of night I pushed away the covers and walked to my desk knowing that writing was the only way I could get my mind off things.
Eight Year.
Somehow Kendall had managed to befriend Carlos and Logan, my best friends sense I could remember, so thanks to that I had to endure his company almost every day…now we were in my living room studying for the upcoming math test. Logan was eagerly trying to explain algebra to our latin hyper friend, who was more concentrated on asking us who did we like from school…it was safe to say that I was a little uneasy because none of the girls were the slightness appealing to me…and I was absolutely terrified about what could they think about that.
"I don't know, I like brunettes" smiled Kendall fixing that damn beanie in his head, why did he keep it for all those years was beyond me…maybe he was too poor to buy another one.
"I bet you have a crush on Diana!" screamed Carlos after a defeated grown from Logan who had finally figured out that for that evening studying was the last thing on our minds. Kendall shrugged keeping his smile and I bit my lip knowing that I was next "Who do you like James?"
"No one" they all looked at me with their eyebrows up "Yes, I haven't found someone worth this much perfection" I pointed at my face knowing that if I showed them a little egomaniac moment they would laugh and forget about asking again, Logan rolled his eyes and Carlos laughed.
"So" started Kendall looking at me sheepishly, I glared at him, it was an understatement to say I didn't like him and he sure knew it "For you to like someone, that person has to be perfect?"
"Yes, the best for the best" I shut up after I heard my mother get inside the house.
"James help me with this boxes" she commanded, and being the rebel I was I let out an annoyed whine.
"Can't you see I'm studying? I have visitors" at this Kendall got up too and hurried to the front door.
"I'll help you Ms. Diamond" I heard him say and I rolled my eyes, if he wanted to be a labor boy, who was I to stop his poor kid dream? The afternoon passed fast, Kendall continued helping my mother and I kept ignoring them faking studying, when everybody left my mother called for me.
"What is it mother?"
"You should learn from Kendall, he is such a nice and good kid…you must be more like him" she said without looking at me.
"Kendall's mom is pretty cool too, maybe you should be more like her too" and there goes my tongue messing again, I was already grounded what else could she do to me? But she kept silent and just gave me an icy glare, I was long past the times when that glare hurt or scared me, now it was just a tiny uncomfortable sting, I hadn't met any other woman that could pass as a mother for me, but I was sure no mother should look at their kid like that.
I sighed resting my elbows in the desk, in later years I had learned that I was an unwanted child, that I was the product of a one night stand, leaving two completely opposite people knotted with each other for the rest of their lives; I had ruined my dad´s music career and my mother´s body…nice I was guilty of making them miserable even before I was born.
I clucked knowing how easy was for me to dwell on the past, it was a lot more entertaining than thinking about the boring life I had…oh look its already six! Somewhat happy that it was time to get ready for work I got up and hit the shower, the water stream always found a way to calm me, to make me forget of the crappy life I had and was still having…oh the tortured teen flick all over again, gosh I was so boring! Ending the shower I walked back to the bedroom drying myself, then I got into my uniform, some black jeans and a white polo shirt…practical and not that uncomfortable, good to wear it more than twelve hours a day. I started humming a song as I closed the apartment and walked to the elevator.
"Morning James, already off to work?" said Ms. Collins getting outside in her running clothes holding her small Chihuahua.
"Morning, and yes" we got into the elevator.
"But, I thought I heard you got home around two"
"I had to take another shift, someone got sick" I got my hands in my jacket thinking that being workaholic probably was hereditary, I had always complained about my mother´s working habits and here I was spending more time in that café than at home "Now I have to go help clean before the breakfast starts"
"It´s not fun to watch a young man like you working this much" she sighed, yeah my life was going nowhere…that should worry me at some point, but it was hard to see pass the daily routine. We reached the bottom floor, I said bye to my neighbor and walked outside the building, it was a windy and cold day in New York, nothing new…I walk to the nearest metro station and got inside the train knowing that I had to gain a little more money in order to get a room closer to work, this forty five minute trip every day was killing me.
Summer before High School.
I walked in my house´s hallway thinking about last hockey season, it had been great, the four of us made a great team and we had made it to the finals and won two days ago, I had made an awesome job getting rid of every player before passing the pock to Kendall and he made the goal, I was so ecstatic that I didn't even care that he had been named player of the season when most of our plays went the same way, apparently we got along in the ice way better than outside. I started humming before my mother´s phone conversation got my attention.
"Yes he plays really well" I smile crept in my lips, there were seldom times when she praised about any of my accomplishments "He even got the award for best player" I stopped death when I heard her "James? Well he plays he has as much sports talent as the good for nothing of his father… no I know Jenny is really proud of her son, he´s such a perfect young man…I´m proud of him even if he´s not my son!" I fisted my hands Mr. Perfect caterpillar eyebrow had done it again "Yeah I have to settle with him…school? Don't make me laugh he´s failing…mother if you think he´s such a good kid maybe he should go and live with you!" said this she hung up the phone and walked pass me like the hadn't practically said that she didn't want me there.
"Mom" I called her turning to face her, she gave me a cold eyebrow "Would it be better if you were alone? If I went to live with grandma?"
"I believe it would"
Beating sleep through most of the trip I got out the station and smiled, that always happened when you got up every day to work at Times Square, even if the café wasn't right on the main street…it was just a simple way to let me think that I had accomplished something in my life.
I raised my gaze when I came up front one of the biggest screens ´Kendall Knight! Biggest Pop Sensation in Decades! Friday 25th! Get your tickets!´ came flashing showing me those eyebrows, good thing I didn't need to worry about bumping into him…yeah like that would ever happen, he was a fucking pop idol! And I…I was nobody.
"James!" I waved at Hector, the cook and owner, when I got inside the restaurant "So early? I thought you were going to get here at 12?"
"Got nothing better to do" I answered truthfully "And good morning to you too"
"Sorry, hello James, how are you?" I smiled rolling my eyes at his exaggerated courtesy "Have you eaten anything?"
"Nope" I walked to the back and left my stuff in my locker before going to the kitchen with him, at this time in the morning on Fridays usually it was just us two "Feed me please"
"There" he pointed a nice looking scrambled eggs and some bacon, I got the plate and started eating, he had some nice cooking skills, he was the only reason this place kept on boat "Shouldn't you be at school?"
"Boss I´m 23" I laughed going to the fridge for some coke, yeah at 8am I had some fine eating habits "And I can't afford college, besides there's nothing I want to really study"
"There must be something you like to do besides being waiter" he crossed his arms, I watched him closely, he was a big well built man, had thick grey hair and a beardless face, he was almost as tall as I was and that was good for a change, I didn't have to duck my head to have a better look like I had to with most of the people.
"I wanted to be famous…I can sing and I'm hot, but I guess that I don't have what it takes to be it" yeah Gustavo Rocque had passionately yelled those words to me, and through the years I had come to believe in them, maybe I wasn't suit to be a pop idol…but then, who I was supposed to be in life? Talk about existential dilemma.
"Who told you that?" he looked at me like I was crazy.
"A music producer" I shrugged suddenly not hungry anymore.
High school freshman year.
We were at Kendall's living room resting from a beating the girls hockey team had given us for soaking their field, I was currently having a wrestling match with Carlos when some random announcement hit the TV…they were looking for the next pop sensation! That was it! It was my chance! We had barely made it in time, we all got out numbers and sat to wait when it hit me…maybe my mom would be proud of me for once, I had even raised my grades to get her to tell me that she was happy with me…to tell me that she wanted me with her…that for once she didn't want me to be Kendall, that she was happy with me being…well me. I started panicking, what if it wasn't enough? What if even with all that my dad kept states away and my mother wouldn't give a shit? I had already changed places with Logan and Carlos, but the moment I tried to do the same with Kendall he stopped me looking at me with those incredibly green eyes…had they always been like that? Did he had his eyebrows cut or what?
"James, this is your dream not mine, remember opportunities like this come once in a lifetime, now grab on that dream with both hands and go big time!" he shoved me to the theatre. I walked noticing the big producer and his assistant, I got in front of the mic and started to sing…I was doing a fairly good job until I saw that man's eyes, glaring at me with that coldness and dislikeness that my mother used every day…and my voice was gone.
"Stop, Stop" he started
"I-I'm sorry, I got a l-little nervous…can I start over?" I blunted.
"Oh yeah! Yeah, yeah, start over…why don't you just go outside and just don't go back in" I froze when I heard him "NEXT!" he yelled, I didn't know what to do until I saw Kendall stand up in the back.
"But I'm good" I knew that much.
"I don't need GOOD, I need FIRE! I need someone to take me out of my seat and as you can see I'm still in it cuz you have NO TALENT!" you've got to be kidding me.
"No Talent!" my eyes shot to the back where the blond was walking to us "No Talent! You're the one with no talent! You haven't had a hit in more than ten years!" he got in front of the fat producer and yelled at him, I was impressed.
"Hey Girl to my heart was a hit NINE years ago!"
"Oh I remember that" and he started to sing…and he could do it just FINE…then security came in and we started fighting them and were taken to Ms. Knight's house...nothing new for us.
Resting in the sofa I closed my eyes, I was sad, I had missed my big shot… but somehow I was touched that Kendall had done that for me, he seemed so mad when he was telling his mom that some producer had said that I had no talent…maybe caterpillar eyebrows wasn't so bad…until he accepted that man's offer taking the chance I was suppose to take…hurt of his betrayal I had screamed at him, but he told me that he was only doing it because his mother and sister needed the money…I couldn't argue after that, but I made him promise that he would find a way to make me a star once he was one himself…if only I had known that he would never keep that promise.
"What else did he tell you?"
"That I had no fire…who knows what he meant, but I guess that was my chance and I blew it because I was too nervous" I stretched my back
"He's crazy, you sing every day and you do it just awesome…by the way, my radio's broken" I rolled my eyes, he should pay me more for singing to him every morning.
"Then I'll start moving" I said before putting back the plate and grabbing wet rag to start cleaning the tables "Got to work before the boss gets mad at me" I winked at him, he just laughed and I walked outside the kitchen and started doing my job…singing his old rock songs, he had even made me a CD so I could learn them saying that he didn't like the new crap that blondie guy sang…yeah I was happy as far away as I could be from Kendall's music.
The day passed fast enough, it was Friday which meant that it was live music night, and that some crappy bands would start playing all night…I didn't know if I was in the mood to hear well played rock in an awful voice.
"Excuse me" I turned when I female voice called me.
"Yes?"
"I'm looking for Hector…"
"Maryse!" he screamed getting outside the kitchen greeting at the stylish woman with a big hug…wow who knew Hector knew those kinds of woman? "How are you? Long time no seen"
"I know" she smiled looking at the place with a dreamy face.
"James could you bring us two martinis?" did I mention I was his bartender apprentice?
"Ok" it wasn't a surprise that he wanted a drink every once in a while, I got to the bar waving at the guys that got inside "What's up Shane?"
"Hey James, putting the skills to practice?" he rested his guitar on the bar. Three other guys joined him watching me do my bartender stunts…nothing too big but enough to get some nice attention.
"Two martinis for the boss and the lady" I put them in front of them.
"James this is Maryse, she used to work here when she got in college" she raised her hand and I shook it.
"Are you going to college?" she asked…ok now the universe was plotting against me for abandoning school.
"Nah, I'm just working for food and shelter" I raised my shoulders noticing that the guys were already making their way to the small stage.
"Do they sing good?" they were my friends, what could I tell her?
"They play awesome" yeah a half truth was better than a lie.
"Why don't you sing with them?" I frowned hearing Hector's words before he called David, the band's lead guitar and vocals "David, do you really sing?" he looked taken back by the sudden question, I chuckled a little at his expression.
"No, I just do it while we find a real singer"
"See James here sings pretty good" oh no, no fucking way.
"No but…" I grasped the rag not wanting to get in a stage again so people could tell me how much fire I was lacking.
"Really? Dude come on! Anything's better than me! I don't sing and we have to find someone better in order to get some people here, not even for the fame…just the job" I bit my lip not convinced enough "Please James, just one song!"
"I don't know any of your songs" total lie, I knew them by heart…practically living there made that to people.
"Do you know any Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Papa Roach…even Daughtry?"
"Yeah I do but…"
"Please!" he got on his knees…he fucking got on his knees! Ok that was too much.
"Why the drama? Its just Friday…" he got up and dragged me to a far corner of the room.
"Do you know who she is?" he pointed at Maryse.
"She used to work here…"
"Yes! And she's a mayor producer! We didn't pick this place to jig just because…it was because she comes here every once in a while to hear the bands, and the minute she likes one she takes them to the top!"
"I'm a bad luck charm…this is like a déjà vu, no sorry" I wasn't putting up with that again, I walked back to clean the tables, maybe the reason of me being perfectly happy being a waiter was that I didn't need to dream or hope to be a great one, I just had to work.
"If you don't sing with them I will fire you" I froze when I heard Hector's words.
"You wouldn't…" I looked at him, he had this seriousness face…fuck he would "That is so not fair!"
"I'm the boss, I do what the hell I want with this place…no go and sing some Kurt Cobain for me" I heard a collective yeah from the guys in the band…shit.
"Just one" I said hoping that it was enough for him.
"As many as you please" he grinned…that bastard.
Practically growling I started walking to the stage, all of them were grinning like idiots, maybe David, Xander and Pete hadn't heard me sing, but Shane had and probably had already told them about my awesome voice…I agreed with him about my voice, but I wasn't sure I had what it took to be in a band.
"What are we singing?" I thought for a moment, today was a day of memories, perhaps it was perfect to pick a song that the minute I heard it had reminded me about one single day in my life.
"You know your right by Nirvana"
My eighteenth birthday
I was at my room watching the rain fall, it was summer and I was alone, Carlos and Logan had gone to a hockey camp and Kendall has living my dream…I hadn't even talked to him in more than six months. I was grounded after a huge fight with my mother and was destined to spend the rest of the summer like that, sitting on my bed looking at the outside world…at least for once the weather was according to my mood.
Deciding that some food might do me right I got up and walked to the kitchen stopping death when I saw a couple of suitcases at the bottom of the stairs, a part of me screamed remembering the day my father had gone away.
"M-mother?" I frantically ran searching for her almost fainting in relief when I saw her drinking tea in the living room "Why are those…?"
"I have a business trip, I´ll leave in ten minutes" I watched her in shock.
"And did you ever think of telling me?"
"I am telling you now, aren't I?" she sighed and got up "Now gather your clothes, a driver will come to pick you up in half an hour…"
"To take me where?" I had a small feeling I knew where she wanted to send me "For how long?"
"To your grandmother…and I don't know…maybe you want to stay there" she started to look at her nails like she wasn't tearing my heart out.
"But mother…"
"It´s for the best" she looked like she wanted to say something more when we heard a car outside "I have to go, take care James" she went to open the door letting the driver take her bags and walked outside without giving me a second glance.
"Do I have to put on a rocker face like all of you?" I joked testing the mic getting a little laugh from people inside the café "Maybe do a little tortured face to fit in" I saw Hector chuckle.
"Shut up pretty boy!" screamed Xander throwing a squished lemon at me "Now the nirvana song is for sound check, right?"
"Is the only song I´m singing so be happy that you have someone with a pretty decent voice to make your sound check"
"We don't even know if you´re that good" shrugged Pete getting at the drums "Now are we starting this year or what?"
"Ok, take your posts people" started David smiling at the petite pregnant girl sitting in the front "As always this goes to the hot Ms. Brooks, the love of my life and our yet unnamed child" she laughed and Pete started the counts to start the song. I took a deep breath before starting to sing.
I would never bother you
I would never promise to
I will never follow you
I will never bother you
Never say a word again
I will crawl away for good
I was sitting on the emergency room feeling numb, my mother´s cab had crashed leaving her badly injured and…well the doctors only gave her some more hours to live. Why couldn't I cry for her? Why didn't I feel pain? The only thing I wanted was to go somewhere else, anywhere was better than a hospital or my home.
"James" I raised my gaze to see Kendall´s mother looking at me with a sad look in her eyes "Come on, you can sleep at my home tonight"
I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew it would come to this
Things have never been so swell
I have never felt failed to fail
Pain...
You know you're right
The next day one call had awaken me…my mother was dead and given that my dad was impossible to locate I could call myself an orphan. I was at the old tree house hugging my knees thinking that life wasn't fair; what had I done to deserve all that? I stiffened when I heard someone climbing the stairs and relaxed when I saw Kendall appear, I was kind of expecting him, his mother had said that he was probably going to get there around those days…he smiled sitting next to me bringing his hand to cup my face, I stood there shocked when after a smug smile he brought his lips to mine.
I´m so warm and calm inside
I no longer have to hide
Let's talk about someone else
Steaming, soon begins to melt
nothing else is right!
Nothin' really bothers her
She just wants to love herself
I grasped the mic knowing that I was a masochist for singing that song; the memories of that night at the tree house shattered my soul in so many ways that I was surprised about not breaking there in front of those people. I sang like my mother and Kendall were in front of me taking in all the pain they had caused me.
I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew it'll come to this
Things have never been so swell
I have never felt so well
Pain...
You know you're right
Pain...
I smiled in spite of myself when I finished the song and everybody started clapping cheering for me, the guys palmed my back telling me how great singer I was and that I should join their band.
"Let me think about it" I said walking to the kitchen resting my hands on the table taking deep breaths not losing my smile, I hated the reasons why I had sang that song, but I loved every minute of it "How did I do it?" I asked Hector once he followed me inside, he was looking at me with a worried expression.
"Why that song?
"Heartache" I shrugged, I trusted him like he was the cool uncle I had never have "I wanted to sing something I could feel and that is one of them"
"Did you feel like the song you sang at that audition?"
"Not really…"
"Then there´s your fire…you have to feel the lyrics like your own, today…James everybody saw your soul in that song…Maryse left her card for you guys to call her, the whole band, she said that you work together like it was meant to be" he put his hand on my shoulder "Want to talk about it?"
"There´s not much to say…the bastard I love fucked me the same day my mother died and the morning after left to pick up his girlfriend at the airport"