Final Notes: The Aftermath of a Crime

I slowly opened my eyes as I heard the alarm clock beep upon striking seven in the morning. Looks like I had that nightmare again, the same one from Tuesday last week. That dream repeated itself several times, that I already lost count how many. But the good thing is, at least the nightmare is over, and another day has started.

The first thing that I did after waking up is going to the bathroom, to wash my face in the sink. I then went to the kitchen and looked for something to eat. I just found instant ramen on the cupboard. Since I can't find anything better, I decided to stick with it and start cooking.

Right after that chase in the forested outskirts of Fuyuki City, I woke up in the hospital, in the Intensive Care Unit. The nurses there say that I've received multiple gunshot wounds, mostly on my back. They also told me that I was nearly dead when I arrived in the hospital. And at the operating room, I was one step closer to death. They told me I almost already showed signs of pallor mortis, which is the first stage of death. Go thing I was still breathing after that, they said.

When I got out of the hospital, they proceeded with the trials against me. The court almost gave me a life sentence or even a penalty of death. Zouken said himself to me in a letter that he bribed the judge to give me a less harsh sentence, which is ten years in prison.

Unusual it may seem to you guys, but that's the lowest sentence they could already give to a murderer, the highest being death penalty.

Also, that old man used bribing so that the police will not proceed with charging me of rape and not to publicize any information regarding the murder, which he said might uncover Magic and expose it to the rest of the public.

I actually can't believe that he convinced them to stop further actions and charges using money, honestly.

When I've done serving my sentence in a prison somewhere in Kanagawa Prefecture, I've decided not to come back to Fuyuki City and live in an apartment somewhere in Kamakura City. Using the skills I've learned in prison, I've landed a job as a welder in a nearby car factory. I haven't made any friends here nor met anyone I knew from Fuyuki.

I don't know if not making friends is good for me or bad, but all I wanted is to start anew again. I know that the time I've served in prison wasn't enough to pay for all my wrongdoings, especially to my little sister.

Yes, I feel sad, but not because I'm practically all alone in this apartment, but because I feel that no matter how much I repent or kill myself, I could never be a good person again, in the way I see myself.

I found asking myself, "What if I rebelled against Zouken instead of bending down to him and practically making me his slave?" But ironically, I can't find myself giving out a define answer to my own question. If I was successful in bringing him down, I guess I'll just be a larger bastard and might have done something much worst than killing someone. If I didn't succeed, on the other hand, I all my efforts against him will just be nothing.

However, the closest answer I could give is that I will fail, because Zouken is a powerful magus, an immortal for that one too. Since I practically can't do magic, I guess me winning against him is truly impossible.

But then again, if I wasn't really selfish that time, I should just have at least refused to carry out his orders of raping Sakura and saving her from him. In that way, maybe I should have enjoyed having a normal life, without someone controlling me against my will.

After all the thinking I've done, the only way I could have redeemed myself is that I should have been brave and shouldn't have been that old man's lap dog right from the start.

Or I should have just secretly helped my little sister and made her topple this madman, Zouken Matou. I shouldn't have been self-centered and should have ready to face death, just to save someone from that old man's grasp.

Still, I didn't realize this earlier and still became just like him, someone so cruel and heartless. I learned everything I've done wrong, the hard way.

That is the reason why I wrote this. Because I wanted people to realize who I am, what I did, what happened to me and what should have I done. By writing this, I hope there will be less people only interested on their own pride and more people caring about other people.

But life goes on for me, yes, and as I said, I want to start over again. I plan on taking a college degree, specifically something that has to do with chemistry. I dunno, but some things never change for me. I still would love to find a girl whom I could impress. But this time, she will be the only one, I promise that to myself. Also, I really could be proud of something that I worked for. Besides, being a chemist can be used for a good pick-up line like "Hey, I'm a chemist. I just want to know how you would react to me." Right?

Ha ha.

And that's all folks. Thank you for reading this, I hope you enjoyed every single minute of reading my "murder guide". And always remember, guys, the most important thing is…

…Not having STD.

-Shinji Matou

P.S: Zouken also told me in a letter that there was no funeral held for Sakura. On the other hand, rumor has it that she's still alive.