Hello.

This is my oneshot dump, everything goes.

Title: Answering The Phone.
Timeline: Two years after DMC3. AU where Vergil returns to the human world.
Characters/Pairings: Dante, Vergil.
Genre: Humor.
Summury: "Remind me not to let you answer the phone again."

The Normal Life of Not So Normal People

Answering The Phone

"Why do I feel like I just committed a horrible mistake?" Dante asked himself. The reason for his question was none other than his cold, deadly, power-hungry, human hating older brother.

Two years after the Temen Ni Gru incident, Dante was surprised to find his supposedly dead brother at his door step. And after the obligatory fighting and arguing, they sat down for a talk.

What is he doing here? How did he manage to get away from there?

He asked and didn't receive an answer, so he didn't press it; when the time comes he'll know.

"What are you going to do now?" Dante asked him. It was obvious that a person who came back from the demon world wouldn't be expected to have any cash on him. "I'm not going to beg the neighbors to let you stay with them, sure they're gang leaders, but no one deserves to put up with you."

"What are you implying?" Vergil shot his twin a questioning look. "I'll just stay here," he continued cheerfully (well, as cheerful as he could look).

"Oh, hell no!" Dante panicked, what hideous crime did he do to deserve such fate?

Somehow, his brother managed to stay at the shop, take over his room and make him sleep in the guest room - if you could call a dusty, stinky, rotten, rat infested room a guest room. The bastard has such way with words that would make anyone feel terribly guilty for no apparent reason.

It was nice though; living again with a family member. No matter how much of an asshole Vergil is, he was still family. This situation kinda reminded him of a better times, back when his parents were still alive.

The first few days were awkward to say the least. Vergil would just sit there and quietly pretend to read a book, all while Dante sat in his usual way and waited for the phone to ring with a promise of a job that would get him out of this silent awkwardness.

Believe it or not, it was pizza that broke the ice. Simply because Vergil noticed how much he consumed it. He started pointing out how unhealthy his eating habits were, and how pizza was really overrated, a note that made Dante gasp in horror at the absurdity of it.

After that day, they started talking, or in their case, arguing. And with three months passing after his brother's arrival, things were looking good. Dante even got used to Vergil's habit of complaining about everything he did.

Now that brings us to the problem, he mused.

With him doing the demon hunting, Vergil will be alone in the shop. Telling him to be useful useful, he asked Vergil to answer the phone while he was out.

And that was a huge mistake.

Dante started counting how many customers are going to file a lawsuit against him, he really, really hoped that his brother would answer the phone the way he told him to.

"When the phone rings what do you do?"

"Dante, are you mistaking me for a child?" Vergil asked, irritated beyond belief.

Ignoring him, Dante repeated, "When the phone rings what do you do?

Vergil sighed, "I'll answer it."

"Good, what do say afterwards?"

"Die?"

"Haha good one, no. Seriously what?"

"Devil may not cry."

"What the hel... Verge stop smirking dammit! You don't know these folks; one wrong word and bam! Me in court!"

"It makes it harder to understand why would you bother protecting them. If I were you I would-"

"Plot the world's end. Again. Look, do this as a favor for me since you refused to go hunting with me, just answer the damn phone!"

"Perhaps I can humour you and do that," Vergil said, "do not expect me to be nice with them though," he continued, looking utterly disgusted by the idea of being nice to anyone on the planet.

"Yup, I'm doomed."

(Back at the Devil May Cry)

Have humans always been this annoying? Vergil thought while hanging up on the latest caller.

His job was simple: he just has to answer, write down the address and give it to his brother when he returns.

But life wasn't simple.

For the past two hours, nothing came up but:

"Yeah, you like totally won two million dollars man!" This was, as his brother dubbed, a prank call.

"My kitty has been lost for two days, can you get her back to me?" This one was the 'I lost a cat' call. It was truly amazing to know how many humans lose their cats in a day.

"Kill Big Bird for me and you will get paid in five days." As much as he was pleased to hear about this job, he couldn't write it down; Dante refused to do these kinds of gigs strongly.

"MY CAT HAS BEEN MISSING FOR TWENTY YEARS AND I WILL CURSE YOU FOR IT YOU BASTARD!" And this was the 'crazy old woman' call, his brother advised him to just ignore them no matter how creepy they were.

And much to his bad luck, these calls weren't the only ones.

"FANGIRLS! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE...Y-YOU ARE ONE OF THEM, AREN'T YOU?!"

...

"I just want to chat with someone, I kinda feel lonely you know."

...

"Umm... what was my reason for calling again?"

...

"HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH ME?! I TREATED YOU WITH SO MUCH CARE H... WRONG NUMBER? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE FOOLING JAKE?! VERGIL? WHERE IN HELL DID YOU BRING THAT NAME FROM?!"

By the end of the day, he vowed to hunt down these callers and make them pay. He gained a new found respect for his brother; to put up with these calls every single day and still have his sanity was miraculous, down right impossible even.

*RRRRIING!*

"Devil will not cry, how may I not in a million years help you?"

"THERE IS A DEMON, A DEMON!"

Finally!

"Tell me where your house is located and I'll send help."

"East side, 23th Street. Please hurry, she's here!"

"She?"

"Yeah, my mother in la-"

Vergil violently hung up the phone.

*RRRRIING!*

"What?!" he snapped, forgetting to say the shop's name.

"Is this the dry cleaner's? Whatever, so where is my jacket?"

"THIS IS NOT... wait, tell me your address."

(Ten minutes later)

"NO PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

When Dante returned to the shop, his brother greeted him and asked him how was the job he took.

Vergil never asks.

"Nothing much, just some Hell Prides," Dante answered, sitting. He then asked anxiously, "So, got any calls?"

And then, a catastrophe happened, one that really creeped him out.

His brother smiled. He didn't smirk, smiled.

Vergil never smiles.

"No," he replied and kept on smiling.

There were times when Vergil smiled like that and it involved a bitter and horrible fate.

"OK then..." Dante was suspicious, but he'd look into it later.

The news channel came into view after he turned on the TV, and the headline almost made him drop the remote in shock.

"A series of brutal assaults broke into the city today. Fortunately, there were no deaths. The police advises to stay in your houses for the next 24 hours..."

"Vergil."

"Yes?"

"Remind me not to let you answer the phone again."

"Gladly."