THE INSANE MISADVENTURES OF THE 501ST JOINT FIGHTER WING

STORY 1: A FRIENDLY PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Summary: Perrine and Eila have to give a safety lecture to an auditorium of school kids. Eila's 'safety advice', however, spells problems for Perrine and her dignity.

Rated: K+

Genres: Humor/Parody

(Inspired by the Civil Protection episode: Halloween Safety)

OCTOBER 27TH 1945, LONDON

"Why is it me who has to do this with you?" Eila Ilmatar Juutilainen asked for what had to have been at least the fifth or sixth time. This time she added, "Why do we have to do this at all?"

"Safety is a very important thing, Eila." Perrine was forced to remind her, then answered her question fully, "If you must know, I was chosen specifically for this because people of Britannia know how good with children I am. I believe you were picked to do this with me because you act like a child."

Eila stuck her tongue out at Perrine as a reply to her comment there. She knew the real reason why they were chosen to give the safety lecture to the kids of that local school. The two of them happened to be in London, and being in the 501st had certainly earned them a bit of fame and reputation amidst the whole western portion of Europe. Eila had woken up that morning to learn that Perrine had volunteered her, since Sanya's nocturnal habits didn't really qualify her for the task. Late morning was more exact, and she had precisely fifteen minutes to get ready and leave with Perrine. If Perrine had her way, she would have had Lynne or, dare she say it- Yoshika help her instead.

They were sitting back stage the school's auditorium, where the 400 hundred kids ranging from ages 11-15 were awaiting their lessons on holiday rising in popularity- Halloween. Now that it was becoming much more celebrated, along with the advent of the notorious mischief night, the local police had wanted to their best to enforce some safety guidelines. Word got around quickly, and the allied forces felt like they could spare a few Witches to explain those rules of safety in various schools. It was great PR stunt on their part too, and most Witches weren't much older than the kids they were lecturing either.

However, they had run into the problem with the 'q and a' part that generally came after the lectures. The only question that ever seemed to be asked was, "Why aren't you wearing any pants?"

Eila didn't quite get it though, because in Suomus they didn't have a holiday where you just went door to door dressed silly with people giving you free sweets. To her, this whole thing was dumb and she didn't understand why Perrine needed a second Witch to help her. Not to mention, she had been trying to spend as much time with Sanya as possible now that the fighting had severely dropped, so her sleep schedule was slowly beginning to match her Orussian friend's. Last night, she had gotten only a couple hours of sleep in and was now feeling tired, cranky, and just a tad bit mischievous.

A school teacher stepped back stage with them from the auditorium, and told them in a polite voice, "Alright, you two can go on now. Do you know everything you're going to say?"

"Yes, thank you." Perrine replied with an equally polite, ladylike bow. Eila simply shrugged, hoping that Perrine wouldn't make her actually say anything. The Gallian Witch glanced at her partner, "Are you ready? Oh, and I feel like I need to ask this too- are you going to behave yourself?"

"Misbehave? Who, me?" Eila gave her a devilish grin. Just as they were about to walk on stage, she quickly asked, "Oh hey, Perrine, can I borrow your glasses?"

Perrine stopped in her tracks, "Why would you need my glasses?"

"To look smarter in front of all those kids."

To Perrine, that reply was rather blunt and she really wasn't sure how to respond to that. She kept her calm and gave a curt answer, "No, of course you can't. Don't ask dumb questions, and for that matter, certainly do not bring up that stuff about Ouija board safety. We're supposed to be role-models, so you better not mess this up with any of what I would call your normality."

"But that stuff's important…" Eila scoffed as they walked onstage, "I know people who have had their souls stolen by playing with those things."

They were greeted with a round of applause as soon as they walked up to the single microphone they had to share. The two Witches both agreed that was a pretty nice perk of the job, the level of fame that came with it in public stuff like this. They were sure the fact that they were Witches, the best the defense against the ever present Neuroi threat was the cause of the applause. That or these kids just really liked safety lectures.

Perrine gave a modest blush as the two of them stood with the microphone between them (a little closer together than they would have preferred), "Good afternoon and thank you for the kind applause." She began, as ladylike as she could possibly muster, "I'm Flying Officer Perrine Clostermann of the Forces Aériennes Galliaises Libres 602nd Flying Corps…"

"I don't think they know what that is." Eila whispered to her, too quietly for the microphone to project.

"…and this is my partner Eila." She ignored her.

"Aren't you going to give me a full title?" Eila whispered again.

"No." Perrine whispered back, then spoke into the microphone again in a pleasant, friendly voice, "With Halloween becoming such a popular holiday recently, your school wants us to give you a few tips on how to stay safe while you're having fun. The first thing we want to cover is what to do if a stranger wants you to go into their house while Trick or Treating. This shouldn't be a problem for any of you, but it's always a good idea to make sure your parents can see you at all times. Some people aren't very nice to kids, so make sure your parents can keep a look out."

Eila leaned into the mic and enthusiastically added, "Oh yeah, like that one guy in Liberion who kidnapped and killed like twenty-"

"They don't need to hear about that!" Perrine interrupted her in her same pleasant, ladylike tone. She gave a shaky laugh and saw a bit of confusion in the crowd at Eila's brief statement. Trying not to blush, she went on, "Ha-ha, very funny Eila. Moving along now- Always be careful when crossing the street even if you don't see any cars. If you have a little brother or sister with you, make sure to hold their hand as well. Remember too look both ways too, especially if you're in an area of the city with lots of traffic."

"Did you know that some Witches could survive getting hit with a car?" Eila threw in there.

"Yes, but I don't think anyone in here besides us are Witches." Perrine pointed out with a 'oh-you-silly-person-you' kind of laugh.

"You never know though! I heard that some Witches only find out they have magic during times of severe crises or stress. So if a car hits you, you could accidentally put up a shield and learn that you're a Witch like us! Or maybe you have precognition powers like mine and could even dodge it. If that were the case you'd look awesome doing it."

Perrine's pleasant demeanor faded into a scowl, "Eila. Would you please not tell these kids to throw themselves in front of moving automobiles, please? I don't think that's what Commander Minna had in mind when she asked me to do this."

"I'm not telling any of you to intentionally get ran over, I'm just saying that maybe there's some good to found in getting hit by a car. Not to mention, I heard also that you can take people to court if they hit you and get a lot of money and-"

The blonde haired Witch grabbed the microphone away from her, "Eila here is just being a little silly, please don't pay attention to what she says." She cringed slightly at Eila's antics, the crowd looking as confused as ever. She sighed and put on her pleasant act again, "Ahem, if you're going out that night with friends and without your parents, please make sure to let them know where you're going to be at. I know it can be a bit of a hassle if you want to just go out and have fun, but your parents love you and want you to be safe."

"Unless they're orphans." Eila said under her breath, "Which is very likely given the whole war thing. You're not being very sensitive to the situation at all, are you?"

"Shut up, you!" Perrine hissed at her, just low enough so that the crowd didn't hear their exchange, "Following up on the topic of your parents. If they give you a curfew, try your best to follow it on Halloween night. If for some reason you can't, find a telephone booth and call them to let them know why you're late. The last big topic we also want to cover is vandalism; it always goes up around Mischief Night."

Eila took back the mic for a moment, "In Suomus we have a saying when it comes to vandalism and throwing eggs and stuff."

"What's that?" Perrine leaned in close enough to be heard.

"Tulta munille!" She shouted, then handed her back the microphone. Perrine winced as her voice rose in volume, and frankly didn't want to know what that translated into.

"Being serious now," The blonde Witch dismissed her partner's behavior with a wave of her hand, "Vandalism is a really bad thing, and police will punish you if you're caught. We're working so hard to rebuild after the Neuroi, and making a mess of things isn't helping anyone. A big thing we were told to focus on specifically was homemade explosives. I don't know why anyone would think it's funny to blow up a mailbox or break a window, but it's a big problem on mischief night. It's illegal, and you're destroying someone else's property, so just don't do it."

"Not to mention you could seriously hurt yourself if you don't know what you're doing!" The white haired Witch pointed out.

"That's true also." Perrine nodded.

Eila took the microphone from her, "I remember hearing a story about some kids trying to make homemade fireworks, and ended up blowing off their hands! That could happen to you if you tried to do something like that. You definitely want to make sure not to take a glass bottle, fill it with gasoline and sulfuric acid, dissolve sugar and potassium chlorate in boiling water, and mix that and Styrofoam dissolved into the gasoline; because that makes napalm. Make that into a sort of Molotov cocktail and you have a firebomb that could level a city block even before the fire department got word of it. Definitely do not do that!"

The entire room was quiet for a full twenty seconds, and even the few teachers in the audience weren't sure how to react to Eila's 'advice'. Perrine felt herself beginning break into a cold sweat, with the feeling of burning embarrassment igniting her cheeks red. The kids in the audience kept completely quiet, except for a few whispering to each other, and a few chuckles here and there.

Perrine yanked the microphone from her partner's hands, "Gee Eila, thanks for sharing that with us…but in the future could you, I don't know, not tell the people we're lecturing about safety how to make incendiary grenades!"

"What? I think explosives count as vandalism and that's something we don't want them doing, right?" Eila put on her innocent face, finger on her chin, "I'm sorry, you weren't clear with what I was supposed to do here in the first place. Oh! That reminds me, can I take the mic for a bit to give them my guide on vampire protection?"

"What? No! Vampires aren't even real! You've already said enough!" Perrine shouted at her.

"Hey!" The white haired Witch seemed to take that personally, "Don't take vampires so lightly, you won't believe the kind of trouble they can cause. Ever watch the movie Dracula? My friend Nipa got bit and turned into-"

"No she didn't!" The blonde flying officer snapped at her again, and then quickly tried to get a hold of the situation. She bowed the audience, still blushing like crazy, "Uh, well that's all! Be safe this Halloween and please try not to cause any trouble…or listen to anything my partner said."

She placed the mic back on its stand, and Eila stepped towards it with vampires on her mind. Perrine grabbed her by the wrist before she could, and dragged her off stage in front of an audience full of frankly confused students and teachers.

When they were safely off stage, Perrine instantly exploded at Eila, "How could you do this to me? We were supposed to give a nice lecture about safety and you just sat there telling kids to jump in front of cars, burn London to the ground, and then started babbling on about vampires! People are going to think we're anarchists or something and give us a military citation! The Clostermann family's name is now ruined because of you and what you did out there. I bet they're going to search my room on the base for explosive materials for homemade bombs!"

"Oh please," Eila rolled her eyes, "It's not like I told them how to make nitroglycerin or something. Plus, sulfuric acid is hard to work with, so if they try to make a fire bomb, they'll probably ruin the cap and mess it up."

"What if it burns their skin?" Perrine shouted again.

The white haired Witch shrugged, "Then they'll know not to play with acid. I think that's kind of common sense though. Come to think of it, just about everything last thing you said out there was basic common sense. Vampires, however, are much too cunning to be defeated with common sense."

"Shut up about that! How can you be so calm at a time like this? We're going to get in trouble because of you! I knew I should have just waited until I could get a hold of Lynne, but noooooo I thought I could trust you. Ha! Some mistake that was, I knew lowly insolate brats like you would only cause trouble. If only I had listened to my instinct."

Eila held up her wrist, and feigned surprise, "Well, look at the time, I'm late for sleeping in the rest of the day. Sorry to cut your megalomaniacal rant short there, missy, but I'm a busy woman."

Perrine continued ranting at her as she showed herself the exit.

THE END (Cue credits and inappropriately placed death metal song)

Author's Notes- I pretty much wrote this up all on a whim after being inspired several days earlier after watching Civil Protection's: Halloween Safety. A lot of really stupid research went into this story for things like whether or not Halloween was celebrated in England (Britannia) back then –which it was- and the stuff about making explosives. Also, making an incendiary grenade the way Eila described it doesn't exactly work. At all.

I hope you guys liked this, and the future minisodes I have planned out for later. Leave a review if you liked it, and feel free to share any ideas with me for later chapters.

And the thank you for beta-reading this goes to Daemon McRae. Even if I did make numerous corrections myself afterwards.