Pieces of a Whole : 5 : Hold On Gently

An: Sorry for the long, long delay! Just a few comments before we start.

For Corrupted Desires, oh my goodness! I didn't even notice I did that. The first two are right. Sammy starts off 6 then turns 7. But he should be 7 years old through the last two chapters. I'm so embarrassed! I will reupload those chapters … soon … maybe. But thank you for the catch! This is what happens when I keep changing Sammy's age around in my mind. I need to start paying more attention to that!

Thank everyone else for their reviews as well! I love to read each and every one of them! It gives me such inspiration!

Dean woke to the wonderful smell of home-cooked bacon and eggs. As an additional reminded, his stomach grumbled in its urgency to find nutrition. He shifted slowly from the bed, careful not to disturb the tired boy besides him. His eyes lingered on his brother for a moment. Last night, after a quick dinner, Sam had promptly crawled into bed and was out like a light before his little head hit the pillows. The emotions that struck him after his nightmare must have taken its toll. In the end, Dean decided to let the boy sleep a little longer.

Dean lurked downstairs in favor of finding the source of the aroma still dressed in his sleepwear which consisted of a white tank top and loose sweats. He stopped at the foot of the stairway next to the kitchen. He took a few steps onto the white tiles of the kitchen before leaning back against the wall in favor of watching the man before him busy around the stove. There was sometime pleasing about the scene, something Dean couldn't quite place his finger on. His eyes traced the apron on Castiel's body.

"You're awake."

His eyes snapped up at Castiel's voice and he offered a quick smile to hide the nervous flutters in his body from getting caught staring. He moved forwards towards the side of the Island and glanced at the emerging plates of food. "Need help?"

"I'll be fine," Castiel answered in a pleasant tone as he flipped the bacon before covering it slightly to prevent splashing.

Dean glanced at the two plates and the absence of a third then frowned. "Did you eat already?"

Castiel nudged the bacon strips around the pan as he absentmindedly responded, "I will be having breakfast with my brother today. Michael insisted I meet him."

"Oh." Dean may have felt a whisper of disappointment, "You didn't have to go through the trouble of making breakfast then."

Castiel visibly froze as though realizing something or remembering something, his movements slowing, and he looked taken back if not confused and distressed. He glanced down at the food he was making. Dean froze also in response, wondering if he had said something wrong. He shifted nervously, searching his brain for a remedy.

Luckily, Castiel spoke up again and continued his original motion. "I—enjoy cooking."

Dean was happy to drop the subject. Instead, he watched the other man for the few seconds, tracing the firm outline of his face highlighted by the morning light streaming in from the glass door to their right and the faint stubble that had begun to grow. He vaguely wondered if the man knew how blue his eyes looked under the light.

Castiel curiously glanced up from his pan when Dean fell silent and suddenly found his eyes locked in Dean's hot, almost scandalous gaze. His face burned and he quickly glanced down again, staring at the pan before him like it could save him from stroke he was surely to get from all the blood rushing through his head and face.

"I-uh…" Dean muttered awkwardly perhaps feeling the same rush over self-conscious embarrassment, "— should—uh—wake Sammy." He tapped the tabletop with conviction then awkwardly turned and walk towards the stairs.

Cas tried to keep his eyes on his pan; however, really could not help but subtly sneak a glance at Dean's departing figure. It should be a crime of the man to walk around in nothing but sweats and a wife-beater. He bit his lips in appreciation.

Several minutes late, just as Castiel finished pouring the orange juice and placing it on the table with breakfast, the little boy came barreling down the stairs followed closely by his brother. Sam noticeably took a good waft of the bacon aroma before melting with eager hunger. "Bacon," He muttered blissfully. He reached the kitchen island and climbed onto the chair to seat him in front of the first plate.

"Good morning, Sam."

Sam seemed to suddenly realize Castiel was in front of him and timidly shrinks back into the seat and look down, playing with his shirt. "Good morning," he muttered nervously.

Castiel smiled, placing the last dish in sink and drying his hands. "Did you get washed up?"

Sam nodded slowly.

"Brush your teeth?"

Another nod.

Cas smiled and handed the boy a fork. "Then by all means, enjoy."

Sam took the fork carefully and slowly stabbed his bacon and shoved it in his mouth just as Dean sat down beside him. "Did you thank Cas for breakfast, Sammy?"

"Thank you, Cas," the boy grumbled in mid-chew.

Castiel frowned but with a hint of amusement. "Chew and swallow first, words second," He chided gently. As they ate, he observed the boy with a curious eye. "Do you not brush your hair in the morning?" He noted the odd strands of hair sticking up from the boy's head.

Sam swallowed this time before answering. "Dean never brushes his hair in the morning." Dean shrugged at this. It was true.

Castiel moved to retrieve something from a drawer a few paces away. "Just because your brother enjoys the homeless look, doesn't mean you should also."

Sam couldn't help but snicker at the face Dean made at that comment.

Cas, brush in hand, stood behind Sam and gently smoothed down stray hairs. Sam noticeably tensed and shrunk into his seat at first; however, after a few seconds seemed to grow content with the action. He continued to eat as Cas brushed out his untamed mane.

Dean watched the pair out of the corner of his eyes, chewing slowly as though any fast movement could break the unspoken miracle of an intimate moment happening before him. He pulled in a deep, relaxing breath and watched Sam melt with enjoyment at the attention, and then witnessed Castiel's eyes soften.

"All done," Cas muttered after a moment, patting Sam's hair.

"When will you be going out?" Dean asked reluctantly. Hopefully, Castiel wouldn't be late for his family breakfast tending to his new housemates.

The other man checked the clock at the question and frowned.

"Where you going?" Unlike his brother, Sam does not disguise disappointment very well.

"Breakfast with my big brother," he responded easily as he leaned against Sam's chair. Sam watched Castiel carefully. Dean was suddenly reminded of a puppy eagerly waiting for affection at your feet. "I shall be back by noon." Cas gave Sam one last affectionate squeeze of the shoulders before moving to clear off the table with Dean's help. Dean saw the boy noticeable beam up towards the other man.

-supernatural-

As always, Michael's house was nothing short of beautiful. Castiel could remember many days where he sat on the porch as they were now, staring at the large yard filled with wild flowers and trees. He would like a garden like this someday.

"You look better."

Castiel tore his eyes away from his brother's back yard and glanced at Michael. He stared at his older brother for a long time, considering the comment for a long moment. He did in fact feel better than he had in a long time. "I… slept better."

Michael smiled, reassured by the answer. Castiel timidly looked away, still sometimes taken back at how easy it was for Michael to show such brilliant emotions like genuine concern. "I was afraid you wouldn't show."

Cas observed his brother's warm, quiet presence before slowly sinking into a familiar guilt. He did reject quite a lot of invites the past year. He took in a breath as though he wanted to say something but the words fell to silent and Castiel turned back towards the garden. They sat there for a long minute, both wanting to say something but unable to. In that respect they were somewhat similar. They were unlike Anna, Balthazar, Lucien, or ….Jimmy; they were the silent, strong types as people would put it and have.

"I heard from Bobby about Dean." However, it did not, apparently, stop them from getting to the point.

Castiel didn't flitch or react. He had anticipated this moment. Michael's protective streak was silent but deadly. Any hint of cause for worry would have his older brother's dark blue eyes on the look-out. He had learned that through high school. Dean was apparently the target this time. Cas couldn't help but feel some amusement towards this fact.

"I was the one who invited him."

Michael studied his brother closely for a moment, analyzing that one statement for any hint of anything that might be cause for concern. Castiel vaguely wondered if he got anything out of it. He brother seemed satisfied with the comment for now. "I heard and I was surprised."

Castiel felt his brother try to gauge his reaction. But Cas himself was sure how to react. "I was surprise as well."

Michael frowned at this, considering this information carefully. "So… how long have you known him?"

"Since the funeral."

His older brother nodded slowly. "And… what goes he do? Like… for a job?"

Castiel gave a sigh, trying not to feel too peeved. "He fixes car."

"Right," Michael replied carefully, letting some awkward silence fill in for a moment before continuing, "So are you guys—"

"—Michael," Cas warned with a pointed look.

His brother instantly shut him mouth and tried his best to look innocent. "I'm just looking out for you."

"I know and I thank you, Michael. But we both know that everything you needed and wanted to know you drilled out of Bobby so I really don't know what you're look for asking me these things."

Michael frowned both at how well Cas knew him but more at how easily his brother brushed the whole thing off. "Castiel, we, your family, are lucky to see you one a week. You ask Anna to buy most of your groceries for you so you don't have to meet people. We're lucky if you let us on your porch let alone your house. And now you have a stranger and his kid living in your house?" He sounded genuinely bewildered if not a little hurt, "I just think you need to focus on you and healing from the accident and—"

"I know what I need," Castiel replied. He didn't notice the surprised look on his brother's face that he actually spoke up and so insistently. Instead he was focused on the words that seem to just fall from his mouth in a type of desperate monologue, "It's just that… Dean isn't like the people at the grocery store or at school or in this town. He didn't look at me like I'm some kind of freak or that I need saving or that I about to drown in my own sorrow. He—he doesn't judge me. He doesn't expect anything of me."

"Castiel, brother, we don't except anything from. We—I only want to help."

Cas looked towards his older brother and his eyes softened and furrowed in a deep, indescribable emotion. "I know. You have …. But," He opened his mouth and closed it again, trying to put his thoughts and emotions into petty words, "It's just when I'm talking to him, when he's there … for the first time, in a long time, I don't feel stuck. I don't feel like the world is passing by me and leaving me behind. Can't I—can't we just leave it at that?"

Michael seemed to have a faint understanding dawn in his eyes. His lowered his gaze in agony for his brother who he couldn't help. But if this guy is doing something to help cause that he cannot, he couldn't fault that. "Castiel…Just promise me you'll be careful."

Castiel blinked in surprised and tried a smile. "Promise."

Suddenly, there was an almost gentle relief between the two brothers as though someone had just helped remove some of the stifling air that had been hovering around them for a while now. It was like they just passed some horrendous milestone that neither would probably be wanted to visit anytime soon. Maybe, for just a second, they saw a little of the peace they once knew as kids.

Michael spoke up again, with a nonchalant tone as to not aggravate the subject too much further, "You know... maybe you should invite him to the family dinner."

The younger Novak frowned at the comment. "Isn't the key word in that 'family'?"

His older brother offered a charming grin, one he might have use to get away with many, many terrible deeds in his younger days. "Well… Bobby and Balthazar are going to be invited and since he's Bobby's almost son…"

Cas looked like was wanted to say something but realized he had no real argument against that. "I guess I can mention it."

Michael smiled and waited a moment as though waiting for Castiel to say something else. "So, does this mean you'll be going?"

Castiel reluctantly made an affirmative. "I doubt Balthazar will let me pass it up."

His brother gave an amused agreeing shrug. "Speaking of Balthazar, I heard he may be back sometime today. He might be back already, actually."

-supernatural-

Spending a little quality time with Sam was long overdue. The two brothers spent most of the rest of the morning going through reruns of old TV shows. After Dean had found out there was actually cable on the television in the living room, despite the TV being covered in cobwebs and dust from underuse, he found himself blissfully reacquainted with old programs he realized he hadn't seen since his parent's death.

Sam sat quietly on the couch besides him with one of his books propped open on his lap. Occasionally, the boy would perk up and half-watch some of Dean's shows; however, for the most part, Sam kept to his books. Dean smiled gently to himself at the sight. At least some things don't change.

Halfway through a mildly interesting rerun of 'Friends', Sam suddenly stood up. He placed his book down meaningfully before paused in momentary thought. He glanced shyly towards his brother and waited.

Dean had already been watching his brother since his sudden movement. "What's up, Sammy?"

"Is there…" Sam glanced down.

It was moments like these that broke Dean's heart. He could vaguely remember those blissful days before the accident when the young boy was still a fireball full of energy, unrestraint, untamed. He could remember his parents laughing and wondering if he'll ever grow out of it. He wondered what they would say seeing him now—seeing both of them struggling to stay afloat.

"I need to…" Sam tried again.

Dean searched what limited knowledge of children he had. "Water…? Bathroom?" He questioned while watching his brother closely. When the boy nodded at the second mention, Dean almost let out an audible breath of relief.

He glanced over the couch and towards the hallway. "Come on. Let's go see if we can find it."

Sam followed his brother as he walked past the open kitchen and dining room to the hallway with three closed doors facing them. He clearly remembered trying the door on the left the first day they were here. Castiel mentioned that was his room. That leaves the door on the right and the door straight before him. Those odds weren't too bad.

"Maybe we should split and conquer? You take the right and I'll take the one in front?" Dean offered with a grin.

"Okay," Sam muttered with amusement in his voice. The boy readily moved forwards to claim his door the same movement Dean did.

As they opened their respective doors, Dean narrowed his eyes at the dark within the room. He turned on the light right when he heard Sam call out. "Found it!"

Dean was rendered somewhat speechless with confusion as the sight once the light filled the room his door led to. As the bathroom door shut to his right signaling Sam's disappearance, Dean slowly took in the sight before him. It was clearly supposed to be the garage but sometime during its existence, its use was drastically changed. There was, for one, large carpet rugs, large lights installed in the ceiling of the room, a work desk, a large bookshelf, a dresser, and, most importantly, a bed, a bed that was half-made and that had Castiel's clothes from yesterday draped across the foot. It became devastatingly clear that Castiel was living here; this was Castiel's room.

Dean rocked back at the realization. Slowly, his eyes turned towards the door on his left. Then what was in that room for?

He glanced at the garage changed bedroom once last time before closing the lights and letting the door gently swing back shut. Dean then turned towards the room on his left again. He couldn't see why Castiel would lie. Maybe the man forgot? Maybe there was a reason? Maybe his stored all his secrets in that room and had it locked. Dean's paranoid mind could make up millions of ideas.

Before he knew it, Dean found himself in front of the room, itching to turn the doorknob. Just as he was reaching out for it—

"Dean?"

He almost visibly jumped and turned to see Sam staring at him with an odd look. "Uh… what's up?"

"I am going back to read," Sam motioned towards the living room.

Dean stared at his brother for moment before nodding. "Yea, sure, Sammy. I'll meet you there."

Sam gave him one last look before nodding and walking off. The older Winchester brother watched for a moment before turning back towards the door. Oh, screw it. He finally reached forwards and turned the doorknob and pushed the door open. He felt for the light and blinked when the room was finally illuminated.

The first thing that came to mind was how calm the room looked. The walls were a light blue shade, the table and cabinets a warm, rich wood, and the carpet was this interesting warm beige, a color he hadn't seen anywhere else in the house. For some reason, he decided this single room matched the house much more than the rest of it.

Suddenly, he was confronted with the details of the room that started to bright its real identity to light. His eyes swept across the bed. There were rockets decorating the bed sheets. He glanced to his right. There were finger paintings hung on the dresser. There were soccer jerseys, some trophies, and a few actual soccer balls littered to one side. Then on the shelves were the very objects Dean was dreading to see. His eye instantly focused onto one picture with Castiel, his wife, and his son, Carl.

His hand tightened around the doorknob in regret. He just walked into Carl's old room.

Suddenly, Sam comes running towards him at full speed and launches himself behind Dean's feet. His little arms tightened around dean's waist and his body shook slightly. However, before Dean could process what was going on…

"And who the bloody hell do you think you are?"

Dean whirled around to face the owner of the voice. It wasn't Castiel. The man who greeted his eyes was a stranger. His eyes narrowed in confusion and his hold tightened around his brother. "I think that's my line."

He narrowed his eyes. "Where's Cassie?"

"Cassie… ? Cas is not here."

"So you say," Balthazar glanced around for a moment, and then let his eyes linger on the stairs for a moment before excusing the thought. No one has gone up there in a long time. If he would be anywhere, it would be either the living room or his garage bedroom. "CASSIE?" He called just for good measure.

"How did you get in?"

Balthazar raised his hand and twirled the extra key in his hand. "Perks of being the love of Cassie's life."

Dean's heart froze for a moment; something that would confuse him later when he was sure this man wasn't out to kill him or Castiel anytime soon. He stared hard at the man before him, trying to process that words that just came from his mouth. The stranger was a fairly decent looking guy with a musky unshaven aura that probably could easily bring any one he wanted to their willing knees. However, any suggestions that Cas may be in some kind of relationship with the man just felt wrong, painfully wrong. There was just no way. 'Cas didn't say anything being in a relationship.'

"Didn't talk about me much, did he?" The man mused. Dean suddenly realized he said that last though aloud.

Dean couldn't help but feel a twitch in his eyes whenever the man spoke. He couldn't decide if it had something to do with the accent or if—screw it. He disliked this man and that was it. Forget the reason behind it. "Who are you? I won't ask again."

Just as Balthazar was probably about to answer with something snippy and clever, they were both interrupted by a slightly breathless voice.

"Balthazar."

Both men turned then attention to Castiel who stood at the beginnings of the small hallway, watching both men and one confused child with a wary eye.

From what Castiel could tell right that moment that may have been missed by a more untrained eye was that both men were ready to more or less beat each other given any excuse. As fascinating as that was, Castiel was clearly distressed by the thought. Unfortunately, that was the least of his worries.

Castiel's eyes widened as he took a startled step backwards. His eyes followed the line of Dean's arm into the open door of that room, the same room he has been avoiding for a long time. The same room he has dreams or maybe they were nightmares about. He took another unsteady step backwards.

Dean followed the deer caught in headlight look and felt his own eyes widen in realization and renewed guilt. "Cas, I can explain."

"Good going with the Pandora box, boy. That's bloody good way to dig up some skeletons."

"You know what? This is none of your business."

"Castiel's wellbeing is my business, something that clearly escapes minimal brain ce-"

"Sam," again, both men were silences by one word from Castiel's lips. 'Odd choice of words,' would have been Balthazar's choice of response until he realized exactly who 'Sam' was when the boy, who had stayed hidden behind Dean up until now, bolting from them both and rushed into Castiel's arms.

Castiel soothed the boy gently and offered a smile just for him. "I'm sorry if my friend, scared you, Sam." He muttered in a light and easy tone, "That's my friend, Balthazar. He's a good guy so don't you worry."

Sam glanced at the mentioned man before looking down at his feet while Castiel held both his hands in a reassuring manner.

"Can you do me a big favor, Sam?" The boy slowly looked up at Castiel and nodded, "Can you give me a few minutes to talk to my friend and your brother?"

Sam was hesitant. He didn't want to leave his brother to this stranger but Castiel said he knew the man. The boy's conflict was not lost to Cas. The man stroked Sam's hair in an affectionate manner. "Don't worry, Sam. I'm just going to show Balthazar out then have a chat with Dean. It won't take long."

"Wha—" Balthazar started to complaint; however, the look his friend gave him causes his words to fall silent.

The boy finally nodded, glancing back to Dean for a moment to get his brother's okay. At Dean's nod, the young boy ran up the stairs to his room or probably eaves dropping at the door of his room.

After the footfalls of the child died, Balthazar saw no reason to restrain himself. "Darling, do you need me to throw this guy out for you?"

Castiel gave his friend a sharp look, one that probably kept Dean from punching Balthazar. Cas walked towards his door followed closely by the two other men. He finally turned back with his hair on the doorknob. "Please leave, Balthazar."

"What? ME?" Dean tried not to look too pleased when Balthazar threw him a bewildered and irritated look. However, when Castiel clearly gave a look of strong conviction, Balthazar's tone changed. "Cas. I think I get a little more than that."

Castiel looked down at the comment as though willing himself to remain strong. "Balthazar, we've known each other for a long time now and yes, perhaps I do own you more, however, on my own time. Right now, I need you to leave so I can talk to Dean alone."

"Cassie," Balthazar tried one last time, holding his hand out.

Castiel's eyes softened. "Pleased."

After taking a breath in defeat, he allowed himself to walk over to Cas and the door. He watched as his friend open the door for him to leave. He gave Dean a hard look before turning back again. "You have my number, darling."

Cas gave him a long look. "Yes."

Balthazar grinned somewhat mischievously. He moved closer to his dear friend until Castiel had press his back closer to his door and to tilt his head back slightly to see Balthazar's expression. The man took advantage of that and leaned down to capture Castiel's lips with his own. The kiss was short and sweet and something he, Cas, and everyone knew were accustomed to as a way to express their odd friendship. However, that didn't mean Dean was. In fact, Balthazar could have sworn if Dean had his way, his beautiful hair would be on fire right about now. He gave Cassie one last peck on the lips before stepping back and turning his attention to Dean. He smiled, "keep an eye on my man, will you, Dean?"

Castiel had to resist an amused grin as he shut to door behind Balthazar. He looked back to Dean shortly as considered the irritation that flashed across his house-mate's eyes. However, he chose to ignore it for now in favor of another vital issue they had distracted themselves from.

To insure the problem was not forgotten by Dean anytime soon, Castiel made his way across his home at the brisk pace. He stopped in front of Carol's old room. His body turned tense on its own accord and his eyes hardened. He slowly moved towards to turn off the light and pull the door shut with a soft click.

He then turned around to find Dean's very guilty-looking expression. As much as the anger in his body wanted to hear the other man grovel and beg for forgiveness, a part of him also did not want to talk about it at all. He wanted to forget it ever occurred. This instinct seemed to win because he ignored Dean and walked over back to the living room to turn off the TV.

"Cas," Dean managed weakly, trying to find a proper way to begin his apology for clearly intruding the other man's privacy.

Castiel froze for a moment but promptly began to actively ignored Dean again. He picked up the books on the couch and table and proceeded to walk them over to kitchen counter. However, Dean grabbed his arm before he could walk past. He stopped and threw Dean's arm off.

"Come on, Cas. I'm just trying to—" He started to say but looked away for a moment, "I just want to—" He watched as Castiel walked to the kitchen island and placed the books on the counter. "Did you lie to me?"

"What?"

Dean asked again, "Did you lie to me about the room?"

The other man turned and looked at him in confusion. Dean sighed, struggling to say something else, something in explanation for his sudden comment; however, Castiel beat him to it. "Why do you care? It doesn't concern you."

"Excuse me?"

Castiel finally turned around to face Dean head-on. "I don't need or want someone digging around my life trying to find some way to intrude on—"

"No," Dean stopped the other man instantly, not exactly mad but not exactly very thrilled looking either, "Look. I get you have secrets. I get you're coping with a lot more hell than many people have to deal with in a life time. I know you probably don't need me or Sam here walking all over your memories. Trust me, I get it better then you may realize. But don't do that."

Castiel look away, suddenly becoming uncomfortable for the genuinely honest expression on Dean's face. "Do what?"

"Don't tell me not to care. Don't tell me it doesn't concern me. Don't push me away because I don't go easy or kindly."

Suddenly, words were falling out of his mouth, words he didn't really mean. "Don't you get it? I don't want you to care or to be concern. I'm doing just fine without you. I don't need your help or Balthazar's help or Michael's help. I'm not going crazy."

"Cas."

And, before Castiel realized it, something was let loose; something he couldn't control. "Don't you think I don't know how it looks? Don't you think I don't know it's wrong to keep everything he's ever touched?" His hands fisted and he pressed it against his head as tears threatened to escape his eyes and stream down his face, "I know it doesn't help or fix anything. I know he's not going to come back and sleep in his bed or that I'm going to find him in there one day. I KNOW okay? I just-I—I just—" Cas forced out in sobbing gasps.

"Castiel," Dean muttered softly like he was talking to a confused child. He moved forwards, towards the crying man slowly, "slow down, Cas. Slow down. Calm down," he whispered softly like he does with Sam when the boy was having his melt downs. He moved close enough to slide a warm hand onto the trembling form before him. "I'm not judging you Cas. I will never-"

In a sudden movement, Castiel buried himself in Dean's arms and Dean found himself pulling Cas in a tight embrace. He tightened his hold when he felt the smaller man trembling.

"Don't do this to yourself. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. Fuck everyone who thinks otherwise. There's nothing wrong with wanting to hold onto something you love," Dean brushed Castiel's strand of loose hairs from his eyes when the man looked up at him. He felt his face growing hot with embarrassment, unaccustomed to receiving such an intense, emotional look from another human being. However, if he knew anything about losing loved ones and wanting them back, he knew he should continue. He breathed in deeply before wrapping his arms around Castiel again, "Don't talk yourself out of your feelings. It's okay to miss your son. It's okay to want himself. And it is o-fuking-kay to feel sad and frightened and lonely and angry and everything else you need to feel."

"God, I miss him so much every day, every waking moment. It's been so long but I still miss him," he muttered into Dean's shirt.

"I know," he muttered back because he did. He knew very well how hard it can be.

"I don't think I'll ever stop missing him."

Dean closed his eyes and searched himself for the right answer, "I don't think we're supposed or even able to."

Castiel never knew until that moment how good it felt to not be alone. Every other moment he could remember about having a break-down when confronted by the sudden grief of his loss, he had been alone. During those times, he assumed it was the only and perhaps best way to deal with it all. Because he knew how weak and pathetic he must look; how unstable he had become.

However, Dean did make him feel pathetic or incapable. He made Castiel feel that things he was going through, the pain, the hate, and sadness were actually normal. It suddenly felt like he didn't need to hide it. It felt like it was actually alright and there was no need to force a change or put on a brave face to save others' comfort.

And he suddenly realized now how wonderful physical contact was in such moments. It was the warmth in a deep cold darkness; the light at the end of the tunnel. It was a constant reminder that there was something more to life than just pain, something he has been forgetting.

He felt Dean rubbed gentle circles on his back in a soothing motion and closed his eyes in something so close to happiness that his heart ached.

AN: Not a very pleasant introduction for Balthy but he's a darling so I hope you will begin to enjoy him more as the story continues. Thank you again for reading and I hope you will drop some input in your reviews.