Chronicles of an amateur masseur (or that time where Kurt Hummel made the mistake of giving Finn a massage.) This was written as a fill for the glee_fluff_meme. So I figured since my Lj is being a bitch right now, I'll just store everything glee here as well... Not my usual style... Or fandom but I hope you enjoy anyway :)

Kurt is trying to cram a semester's worth of European History lessons in ten hours (with the help of five cups of coffee and three bars of chocolate his skin is going to regret) when Finn gets home, throwing his bags on the floor by the closet and face planting into the bed without even taking off his sneakers, still sweaty from practice and ew, just…no. God knows what else is on those covers if he isn't even a little bit bothered about the dirt stains his shoes are leaving. Kurt turns back to his textbook to keep from giving him a lecture about personal hygiene and tries to concentrate on whatever it is the French or the Russian did to piss whoever off again, like he cares.

He's finally getting into it, picking up his rhythm when Finn starts making these noises like he's dying. Kurt sighs in despair, just knowing he's not going to get any studying done until Finn shuts the hell up, so he asks. "What's wrong Finn?"

"Ugnnhhhrr" Finn says.

Kurt snorts a little. "Oh, I'm sorry, I do believe I'm not fluent in troll."

"shtupdde"

Which, ok he actually understood that one but still, he waits until Finn turns on his back with a rather disturbing groan and kind of mumbles something about coach Beiste and football practice and for some reason…slaves? He doesn't even want to know, honestly, but he gets the gist of it and by the way his step-brother is trying not to move at all he can guess he has sore muscles from practicing so much, everyday. He does remember how tired he was during his brief football-playing days and softens a little. What? He's not completely heartless.

"Would you like a massage?"

Wait, what? Oh God no. He knew he should've ignored Finn's complains and kept his mouth shut. And just when things were starting to get normal again between them. He had his pencil on a death grip and couldn't look up from his book, waiting for the explosion. Finn would probably think he was making a pass at him and any second now he'd start shouting at the lamp or the curtains or that cute little pashmina Kurt had bought yesterday and was carefully draped over the couch. Oh God not the pashmina! It was so young and such a beautiful shade of aquamarine that went perfectly with his eyes (according to Blaine) and—

"Oh dude would you really?" Finn said instead, interrupting The Aquamarine Pashmina funeral Kurt was already planning in his head (the outfit he chose for the occasion was bitchin' and perfectly complemented poor Aqua). "That would be awesome!"

Kurt blinked about a hundred times and looked up to find Finn smiling that genuine little crooked smile thing that made him look about five years old (and completely adorable). He released a relieved breath and waved him over to sit in front of his vanity.

Finn bounded over like an overgrown and very tired puppy and promptly took off his shirt before sitting on the stool.

Kurt kind of stared a little openmouthed because damn, Finn really did mean it when he said they were 'totally cool now dude, seriously' if he was comfortable enough to both accept a massage from him and take his shirt off for it. That startled a smile out of him as he felt his affection for his brother grow exponentially.

He rubbed a bit of lavender scented massage oil on his hands and started to work on the knots of Finn's shoulders and back.

After a minute the oil had warmed in Kurt's hands and Finn was making some seriously embarrassing noises while Kurt was trying not to burst out laughing or blush on his behalf (also, he was happy to note that he was not reacting in the way he would've a year ago and now merely planned to blackmail Finn into cleaning his side of the room for a change or else the Glee club would find out just how he sounded when getting a really good massage)

When he finished, Finn was collapsed bonelessly on the chair, practically sliding to the floor, and was smiling dopily at him.

"You," he stated "are a lifesaver."

Kurt grinned smugly at that because yeah, he gave awesome massages and he knew it. "And you" he said to Finn's reflection in the mirror "desperately need to take a shower."

Finn gave an annoyed whine as he grabbed his towel but Kurt could see the pleased smile still plastered to his face as he closed the bathroom door and it made him smile too as he returned to his book with renewed energy.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Kurt forgets about the whole massage thing, since he is dealing with his own share of school/love/glee club drama. He still takes pity on Finn when he comes home specially tired and sore, or when he promises to pay for his dry-cleaning bills. You know, good brother stuff. But it never really becomes a thing until Noah Puckerman shows up on his doorstep with a twenty in one hand and a strange mix of hopeful and defensive look on his face.

"So, like, Finessa says you're the reason he's not wanting to curl up and die after practice like the rest of us so I thought, what the hell, I'm a badass right? And you probably need the money to buy clothes and crap so, yeah, I mean, would you?"

He sort of waves the bill in front of him and that's what startles Kurt out of his shocked silence because Puck is in his house asking him for a massage. He honestly doesn't know what to say so he just opens the door a bit wider and takes the money from him.

Puck starts walking up the stairs as he takes off his shirt muttering angrily "This had better be good Hummel or I want my money back."

-.-.-

Half an hour later Puck is sprawled on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling and wearing a smile that looks disturbingly post-orgasmic.

"Kurt."

Kurt smirks at him from his spot at the end of the bed and doesn't say anything.

"Kurt, oh my God, how did- Kurt, dude if I were gay I would totally fuck you right now."

Kurt sputters and blushes and generally flails in embarrassment until Puck reaches out an arm and says "In fact you know what? I don't even care, c'mere"

"What? No! Get away from me you Neanderthal!"

Puck shrugs, laughing (probably at Kurt's red face) and gets up to leave "Your loss dude, but thanks anyway, that was badass."

Kurt rolls his eyes because everything is badass to Noah. Still, Puck looks pretty relaxed when he leaves and he's actually calling him by his name now, which is definitely an improvement from homo explosion.

As he closes the door he's left wondering what the hell just happened and can't help but think it's only bound to get weirder from then on.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He is right.

A week after he sees two nervous figures sitting on his couch when he gets home from Dalton. It's not unusual to see Matt and Mike in his house. What is unusual is that his dad claims they're here to see him, not Finn.

They don't bring money but Mike hands him a gift card from some strange Asian store (he has no idea what he's going to buy there but the gesture is nice so he takes it) and Matt gives him two tickets for a musical his sister is an understudy in (he is even excited about that one. He could make a weekend of it and go with Blaine if he withholds the right information from his dad)

So, he's got one hand on each boy's lower backs and is contemplating the strangeness of his life (then he glares a little at the universe for giving him this now when he doesn't actually want it instead of months ago when he would've killed for it) when Blaine opens the door and kind of stops at the doorway, eyebrows raised.

"Woah, should I be jealous?"

He looks surprised but also amused so Kurt figures he's not mad. Besides, he's pretty used to Kurt's particular brand of crazy.

The two boys on the table try to protest but end up doing a weird spastic leg-and-arm movement that doesn't translate into anything at all.

"I'm almost done here," Kurt says, digging his fingers into Mike's scalp. "Sit over there and wait for me? We can go Asian shopping later."

Mike moans obscenely and Blaine is looking all flustered when he answers with a vague "Yeah, of course" and sits down obediently, staring at his boyfriend with a dark, almost predatory look.

Later on, when Mike and Matt leave, Kurt finds himself pinned to the wall as soon as the door closes. He gasps at the feel of Blaine's hot mouth sliding down the column of his throat and curls oily fingers into his boyfriend's hair.

"Fuck Kurt," Blaine is panting into his ear "So hot, so good with your hands. Do I get a massage too?" He's already hard and grinding into his thigh shamelessly.

Kurt moans and scrapes his nails down Blaine's lower back. "You get – oh – you get the special treatment"

That's it for Blaine. He picks Kurt up and throws him on the bed, lifting his shirt up and murmuring 'tease' all over his skin. After all, if he's getting the special treatment he plans to get his money's worth.

Yeah, Kurt doesn't think there will be any shopping done anytime soon.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

So, Kurt is pretty happy with his newfound source of income. Blaine isn't bothered by it (he actually confessed it makes him all hot and bothered watching Kurt work) and he's starting to get used to having all the boys from glee in and out of his house on a regular basis, when things escalate to a new level of strange.

He's expecting Sam for his usual Monday appointment when the doorbell rings and the person standing there is definitely not Sam, and most definitely not male.

It's Rachel.

Well, at least he thinks it's Rachel, since all he can see is a pair of truly hideous shoes and a huge life size poster of Lady Gaga.

He's not sure what to do and hasn't decided yet if he's going insane when the poster starts talking at a rapid pace. "I figured you'd like this and didn't think you owned one so I got my dads to order it online and really Kurt, how selfish of you to be helping other former Glee club mates when you know how stressed I am and how often I have muscle pains from my ballet lessons. It's probably why my voice hasn't been up to par lately and the boys are so damn smug all the time going on about the best massage ever and-"

"Oh my God Rachel, shut up and come in!"

He takes the poster from her (Dear God it's beautiful) and sends a text to Sam, cancelling their session.

Once he's hung the poster inside his closet and stared at it for a good ten minutes he goes back into his room to find Rachel facing away from him as she starts to unhook her bra.

His brain short-circuits for a few seconds and a part of his subconscious marvels at the thought that he's seen Rachel topless and Finn hasn't.

"Rachel what the hell?" he yells, his voice reaching a new level of shrill. "you – I – breasts!"

That was very eloquent if he does say so himself.

The girl, unfazed, only rolls her eyes and settles down on the bed. "They're not going to bite you Kurt, you don't need to be scared of them."

"But – but!"

Rachel flips her hair and raises an unimpressed eyebrow at him. "Think of the poster Kurt."

Kurt glances at his closet and whines.

Rachel smiles and buries her head in her arms, that smug little bitch.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Anyway, business is going amazing and he earns quite a bit of money now that he's added girls to his weekly appointments. Sometimes they show up in the afternoon (mostly the boys after practice), or at night (Rachel, right after ballet). Tina actually comes over once her weekly dinner with the Changs is over for a little stress relief and Mercedes gets her fix on the weekends at their Saturday sleepovers. Blaine is, however, the only one who doesn't have to pay for them. In fact, Kurt is pretty sure he would pay if Blaine asked him, just to get his hands on his gorgeous skin.

However, with a successful business also come complications, like today.

It's Friday and both Tina and Mike are here, arguing by the window in Chinese (he has no idea what they're saying but it must be bad by the size of Mike's eyes and the vein popping on Tina's forehead), Finn and Rachel are doing the whole lovey-dovey eye thing at each other (both still in their respective football and ballet uniforms), Sam and Puck are lying down shirtless on his bed with oil warming on their backs, and Santana and Brittany are equally topless (thankfully still wearing a bra) standing impatiently by the bed, waiting for their turn.

Kurt looks at the clock and starts freaking out a little because it's almost seven and he needs to get ready for his date with Blaine and he still has five more people to go.

He shakes his head and squares his shoulders. This is paying for Blaine's anniversary present and he'll be damned if it isn't the best present Blaine will ever receive.

Kurt reaches out and straddles one of each boy's legs and runs his hands through the warm oil, making sure his fingers are perfectly covered.

Of course, of fucking course, that's when his dad decides to forget how to knock and ends up with an eyeful of something that makes him want to bleach his brain. His eyes go from Rachel, sitting in Finn's lap; to Mike and Tina, who by now have already made up and are busy making out; to still topless Santana, who is whispering something into Brittany's ear that's making her giggle; to Kurt.

Kurt, who is on his bed with two half-naked boys. Sitting on them. Rubbing oil on them.

For the first time Kurt realizes how bad this actually looks from the outside.

Burt makes a face (the single ladies face) and asks, "Is there something you wanna tell me Kurt?"

"I've, uh…started a business?"

His dad frowns "And what does Blaine think about this?"

He says 'this' gesturing towards the nakedness in the room.

Kurt's eyes widen and he blushes fiercely "A massaging business Dad! Not a – whatever it is you're thinking…and Blaine is um…" he clears his throat, avoiding his father's eyes "He's okay with it."

His voice sounds squeaky flustered and Puck, of all people, is the one who gets why.

"Hell yeah! Get it Kurt!" he shouts, high-fiving Sam.

His dad looks horrified, but at least he's not angry anymore. He shakes his head, as if trying to forget everything that just happened and goes back out of the room, asking them to keep it quiet and to clean up the mess after they're done.

He doesn't know if it's out of embarrassment or genuine amusement but as soon as the door closes they all simultaneously burst out laughing.

Kurt slides down to the floor in an exhausted heap and throws one arm over his blushing face.

"Kurt?" Finn asks couple minutes later. "You okay dude?"

"Nggghhhhh"

"Would you like a massage?"

Kurt blindly reaches out and smacks a pillow right on Finn's cheeky face.

-.-.-.-

When Blaine comes up to pick Kurt up for their date everyone is lying on the floor and every pillow in the room is destroyed.

They all stop mid-movement for a second before Blaine shrugs, takes off his shirt and joins the fight, circling an arm around Kurt's waist and plucking a feather from his hair, kissing him sweetly.

-.-.-.-.-.-END-.-.-.-.-.-