Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling and owned any characters other than Lottie and Claire, I would probably own my own Chocolate Factory. Siriusly. The story is based off of She's The Man, a movie starring Amanda Bynes. AWESOME movie, check it out. :D Austen and Jake are based off of characters in the movie as well.

A/N: All right, guys, so here's the deal: This story is being COMPLETELY rewritten. I can't even look at it without cringing and thinking "Oh god, WHY?" So read it if you enjoy laughing at horrible writing or want to put on "Top 10 WORST Fanfics!" or something, go ahead, I won't mind! But if you HAVE read it and are skeptical about the new one, just think of these new additions:

1. Lily will actually have a back story!

2. Lily will actually have a personality not fit for an immature twelve year old!

3. Jake will have a bit more screen time.

4. The french will ACTUALLY speak french! (I know, this one's just unreasonable.)

5. Goes a little farther away from She's the Man, but still clearly based off of it.

6. It's longer. (Original chapter one: 2000~3000 words. New chapter One: ~8000 words.)

7. It just kind of makes more sense and is better thought out, tbh.

So anyways, read this if you want, the the rewrite is coming in the future. (:

Chapter 1: You Can't CANCEL Quidditch!

"I AM THE QUIDDITCH GODDESS!"

"Ah, shut up, Lils, you scored on Lottie. She barely knows how to fly."

"Hey!"

"It's true, Lot, you know that. The only reason you agreed to play Keeper is because we told you you wouldn't have to do anything."

"And you lied-" Lottie started to protest.

"Well, if you knew a thing about Quidditch-"

"GUYS!" I yelled, interrupting Claire, "Can we not just bask in the glory of my goal?"

Lottie snorted and Claire rolled her eyes but both cracked smiles. I smiled in return.

My name is Lily Evans, Captain for the Girl's Quidditch Team at Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. I am a rising seventh year, which means it's currently the middle of August. Last week, my grandparents allowed me to go South to Lottie's vacation house, along with Claire and Austen (my boyfriend).

Sun, friends, vacation house, quickly organized Quidditch games = very happy Lily.

"Wouldn't it make more sense if you just let Austen play Keeper? That's his actual position," Lottie protested, putting one hand on her hip and somehow managing to look sassy while straddling a broomstick. That was Lottie. You wouldn't be able to find so much girly-ness and attitude in anyone else. But she usually reserved that bit of herself for people who deserved it. Namely, me and Claire when we teased her about her Quidditch skill. Or lack thereof.

"But if Austen was playing Keeper we wouldn't get anything," Claire retorted, "It's not good for your self-esteem." Claire had been my best friend since we were five, before either of us had any idea that we were actually witches. Growing up on the same muggle street, we spent a lot of time together, and we could read each other like books. She had been there when I was seven and my parents were killed in the car accident, and when we both got our letters of acceptance to Beauxbatons, and Madame Maxime herself explained what all this was.

Our first day of Beauxbatons we met Lottie, and she joined our little party almost immediately. She and Claire were like the opposite sides of Velcro, but were really thick as thieves.

"Ladies, please, I'd go easy on you," Austen said as he walked towards us, four matching envelopes in his hand, "In all honesty I don't think I'd need too. Lily and Claire are easily better than some of the guys on my team!"

Aww… so sweet. We've been dating since the middle of fifth year, and he still made my heart beat a little faster whenever I saw him. Claire called it love. Lottie called it a heart attack. Then again, she was always a little strange.

I, personally, was hoping Claire was right.

"We got our start-of-term notices, by the way," he said, handing a letter to each of us. I ripped my open with the enthusiasm of a puppy in a pile of dirt. There was a rumor that Quidditch Try-outs would be in the summer this year to prepare early.

Dear Miss Evans,

Welcome back to another year at Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. Be sure to study hard…

Blah blah blah… They've said the same thing for the past five years. I skimmed the rest of the letter until I saw the word 'Quidditch'.

...Quidditch try-outs for the school teams will be held on August 21.

YES YES YES! QUIDDITCH IN THE SUMMER!

…but the women's Quidditch Team at Beauxbatons has unfortunately been disbanded due to lack of interest…

WHAT? NO NO NO!

…However, the boy's team is still together, and will compete against Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry for a friendly match four weeks after the start of term on September 1st.

Your list of books needed for this year is located in this envelope.

Sincerely,

Madame Maxime

Headmistress

I repeat: WHAT?

I looked up and caught the gaze of a near-explosive Claire. I almost considered lighting a flame near her shirt to see if she combusted.

"WHAT - THE - HELL?" She screamed, shaking her parchment angrily to no one in particular. Lottie and Austen exchanged uncomfortable glances and decided to stay out mine and Claire's path of fury.

"'LACK OF INTEREST'? WE WERE JUST FINE!"

All right, so we had to bribe a fourth year to be our keeper, but we were fine, goddamnit!

"It might be for the best, Lily…" Austen said cautiously. I turned on him.

"'FOR THE BEST'? THEY CANCELED QUIDDITCH!" I shrieked in his face. He took a step back, placing his hands on my shoulders to try and calm me down.

I glared.

"Look, Lily, there isn't anything you can do about it now. And you can still come to our games and stuff…" Austen trailed off, wondering what response that would get him.

I simply sighed, slightly defeated. Claire was still shaking in fury, but something sparked in my mind.

"When did your notice say Quidditch try-outs were again?" I asked Austen.

"Umm," he checked his letter, "August 21st, why?"

"No reason," I said innocently. I caught Claire's eye and she raised an eyebrow, but I shook my head. This would have to wait for later.

"Oy, Austen, what's Luna doing at try-outs?" A thick, muscly boy called out as soon as Claire and I came into view.

"Lily," I snapped. Idiot. "For your information, Claire and I," I gestured first to Claire, then to myself, in case the bloke really was as slow as I thought, "are trying out." Claire folded her arms and gave him a satisfied smirk. Austen blanched, and came up to me, dropping his voice so only I could hear him.

"Lily? Really, what are you doing here, it's not funny." I was taken aback.

"I just told you. We're trying out," I replied in slightly-louder-than-normal tone, so everyone could hear me.

Austen scowled, his neck turning red out of embarrassment. Claire and I were getting the attention of the whole team, and a small crowd was forming around us.

"Wasn't the girl's team disbanded?"

"Why are there girls here?"

"Austen, what are they doing?"

"Austen?" I asked, looking up at him.

"You really shouldn't be here, Lily," he said, "you can't play with us."

I scowled and almost stamped my foot - yes, stamped my foot. I was mad, all right?

"Last week you said Claire and I were better than a bunch of guys on your team," I said. That's right, Austen, pay for what you are doing!

His eyes widened and his face immediately went red when we was the object of the team's attention now. "I - I - I mean - no I didn't!" He finally spluttered out. "You're lying, Lily. You and your friend could never handle being on our team. It's too much. End of discussion."

I jerked back like I'd been slapped in the face. I stood my ground, though, and slapped the sorry bastard in the face. The boys realized their sexist ways and of course let me and Claire on the team, where we won every game by my amazing Chaser skills and her Seeking. Everyone in France called out in celebration "Hooray for Lily! Hooray for Claire!" And Swedish supermodels saw us and decided they wanted to marry us and have thousands of children -

Oh all right, that never happened.

I jerked back like I'd been slapped in the face. "Fine," I said quietly, backing up and taking Claire by the shoulder so she came with me. "End of relationship," I added dramatically, before turning away and sprinting back up the hill bordering the Beauxbaton's Quidditch Pitch.

"That jerk!" Claire shouted when we apparated back to my house. Lottie was still at her vacation house, so we had no one to vent to but each other until our recently owled-letter got to her. "I mean, he just... UGH!" She had lost the ability to form complete sentences, this was not good. I, however, was handling this well.

"I'M GOING TO CUT HIS TESTICLES OFF!"

Totally fine.

"WHAT GIVES HIM THE RIGHT TO TURN US AWAY FROM TRY OUTS LIKE THAT!" Claire asked rhetorically.

"I MEAN COME ON-"

"Could you both please shut up so mum doesn't know I'm over here?" Came a voice from my open bedroom window. Jake Cole, my next door neighbor - equally red-headed with freckles to boot - quickly crossed the room and closed the curtains to my window, which had a perfect view of his kitchen, where his mother stood chopping up something for dinner. His parents divorced when his mother realized his father was a wizard, and during the summers between terms at Beauxbatons, he bounced between their houses every two weeks. What neither of his parents knew, though, was that in our third year he started a band with three other blokes (Free Fall) and played every night in Paris, in a small pub near the Eiffel Tower. He looked at me and thrust a large bag into my hands. "I need you to keep these for a while," he said. I nearly dropped the bag by the amount of weight suddenly thrust on me, but peered inside. There were about ten textbooks inside, all thick and hardback, with around five sets of the same uniform, the pitch black cloaks having a school emblem I wasn't familiar with.

"Um... Jake?" I asked cautiously, fearing for his sanity. Jake usually came over whenever he was staying with his mum, he couldn't stand her. But never before had he suddenly asked me to keep a bag full of thick text books, none of which looked like Beauxbatons books. "Have you murdered someone?"

Jake glared at me. "No."

Such a quick response... I'll be sleeping with my eyes open from now on.

He sighed and gestured for us to sit down. "Mum and Dad have decided that I will be attending Hogwarts for my last year of schooling."

Lucky little sh-

"And you're upset by this?" Claire asked, with good reason. It was common knowledge that Jack hated everything that had to do with his mother. Namely, France.

"No, I'm thrilled! Finally get out of Beauxbatons. It sounds like a girl's school for Merlin's sake!" Jake rolled his eyes, "But me and my band... well, we got a spot opening for The Weird Sisters!" He said excitedly, immediately lighting up at the thought. Me and Claire squealed and clapped.

"Jake, that's amazing!" Claire laughed. "But wait, when? School starts in about... a week and a bit," she said vaguely.

Jake squirmed, looking uncomfortable. "See, that's my problem. Our slot is for about five weeks. I can't tell mum. So..." He looked imploringly at Lily, "I need you to alert the school, as my mother, that I'm grievously ill, and could be out for the first month. Dragon pox, spattergroit, cancer! I don't care, but Lily, please. Just a quick jaunt up to England, do a couple of charms to make yourself older, shed a tear or two and I'm good!"

"What makes you think this could work?" I said out loud. Really, I'm thinking: What the bloody hell is he on, this no-good, slacking, advantage-taking -

"Have you ever noticed how much alike we look?" He said, gesturing between us, "Same red hair, we've both got freckles, I'm bloody short so I'm your height. My masculine physique is really the only extremely noticeable difference!"

- wonderful, amazing, intelligent boy who has just solved all of my problems!

"Wow, you're right." Claire said, looking between us.

"You know what, Jake? I'll do it, it's no problem," I said sweetly. His face showed suspicion. Jerk. I'm doing him a favor! Kind of.

"All right, thanks Lily!" He finally said, and hugged me. "Mum thinks I'm staying at Dad's, Dad thinks I'm at Mum's. Then in ten days they'll both think I'll be at Hogwarts. I'm off then."

"So soon?" Claire asked, alarmed. Jake rolled his eyes.

"Duh. First show is in two days!" He said, giving her a hug as well. "Don't forget, Lily. I owe you!" He turned on the spot and disapparated.

Claire stared at the gap of space where he previously stood. She then turned on me. "So what's your bright idea now?" She asked, one eyebrow raised. I smirked.

"I'm getting back at Austen."

"Ah, crap. I'm getting sucked into this, too, aren't I?"

"Lils, are you absolutely, positively, SURE you want to do this?" Lottie asked, taking a lock of my hair and almost petting it out of sadness.

Merlin, woman, it was MY hair.

"Yes," I said for about the hundredth time.

"Dressing up like Jake and pretending to be him, a boy doesn't seem like the answer to your problems," she continued as though she hadn't heard me.

"Ah, Lottie, stuff it. If Lily wants to do this, it's really her choice," Claire said, waving her hand impatiently, but keeping her gaze between my face and a close-up picture of Jake that was taken last week. "Turn your head to the left," she told it, the picture-Jake complying immediately.

It was August 31st, the day before the train to Hogwarts left, and I confided in Lottie and Claire my plan: to pretend to be Jake for the few weeks he would be gone, make the Quidditch team, and kick Austen's ass in the game we play against them. Easy-peasey.

The only problem: I was a girl.

"I still don't understand why you can't at least take Polyjuice Potion or something," Lottie said, twirling her wand. All I had asked her was to cut my hair. No one was better with magic beauty and cosmetics and the likes than Lottie. But for some reason she seemed unwilling to chop off all of her best friend's elbow-length red hair in exchange for a choppy, eyebrow-skimming boys cut.

I sighed. Some people were difficult.

"Because. Polyjuice potion has to be taken every hour. What if something happens in the middle of the night and for some reason one of the boys in my dorm sees me? I'm definitely not waking up every hour just to take some stinking potion," I snapped.

"And we don't even know how to make it," Claire also put in. Lottie bit her lip, but finally nodded. My friends set to work.

I wish I could say my heart didn't lurch when the first 20 inch strand came off, but of course it did. I couldn't see what Claire was doing to my face with her charms and Transfiguration, so that wasn't as painful an experience.

My hair littered the floor in long clumps. I stared at it, slightly transfixed. Lottie took a hand mirror off of my bed and put it in front of my face.

WOAH.

Lottie had styled my hair the way Jake had it, slightly long, in the front it skimmed my eyebrows, in the back it would touch the collar of the button down shirts they had at Hogwarts. The sides went a little past my ear, and it was perfectly straight, a strange contrast to my preferred beachy-waves. But it did look good. For a boy's style, that is.

Claire had charmed my face so it was slightly more angular, my nose was longer and pointier, there was a hint of stubble on my cheeks, and my eyes were suddenly just a tad smaller, and worst of all, brown.

"Did you have to change my eyes?" I asked, wincing slightly. I was used to green orbs. Now it looked like Ms. Winston's cat from across the street had pooped on me.

"Jake has brown eyes, Lily," Claire pointed out.

"I know, but..." The sound that came out of my mouth was more a "nnrrgghhhfff" by my disappointment but inability to argue with that fact.

"If it helps, if you were actually a guy I might date you," Lottie said.

"Thanks," I replied dryly.

"She looks too much like Jake to me," Claire decided, studying me closely, "Besides, I'm over rebels. I want a simple guy, one that would take me on a picnic for a date."

I raised my eyebrows, and almost gasped because they disappeared behind my hairline. That was weird.

"Well, I say Lily's extremely lucky. She gets to meet foreign boys and sleep in their dorm and everything..." Lottie trailed off, getting a day-dreamy look on her face.

For the love of Merlin.

"I'm going to be a BOY while spending this oh-so-special one-on-one time with them!" I almost spat, gesturing to my face. Lottie shrugged.

"Your choice, remember?" Damn, she was right. "It can't be too bad. Just get up earlier for showers, hide your bras and knickers at the very bottom of your trunk, and make sure you have some secret inside pocked for tampons!" She added cheerfully, missing my horrified look.

Shit.

This already seemed too hard.

Think of Quidditch, Lily. This is why you're doing all of this. Think of throwing the Quaffle right into Austen's smirking face. Scoring the final goal before the seeker (on the Hogwarts team, of course) catches the Snitch, winning the game.

Whew. Better.

"All right. Got it," I said simply, playing with a strand of my hair and observing myself in the mirror again. I did look strikingly similar to Jake. Having us switch after a few weeks won't be too noticeable.

"And remember, we're gonna cover for you back at Beauxbatons. I think you're coming down with dragon pox, Lily," Claire said seriously, looking me straight in the eye. A few seconds passed before all three of us burst out laughing.

"I'll miss you girls," I said, pouting. A three-girl group hug followed immediately.

"We're going to go with you to the train station tomorrow, though, so don't worry," Lottie said, smiling widely at the thought. I snorted.

"You just want to see if you spot and hot guys to make coming to visit me worth it," I replied. Lottie winked.

"We'd better get going, Lils. See you tomorrow. Ten o'clock?" Claire asked.

I nodded and shooed them out the door and ran back up to my room, where I finished packing my large trunk with the uniforms, a few of Jake's clothes that I stole from his closet that I knew would fit me, the textbooks along with other supplies, and finally, my broomstick. After sitting on the suitcase in order to zipper it shut, I fell backwards onto my bed with a soft thump! and fell asleep almost as soon as I hit the pillow.

A/N: So, what'd you think? Love? Hate? Want to personally get me a room at the closest mental institute? READ AND REVIEW! Not reviewing is against the law. No, really. :D Next chapter should be up sometime next week.