Prologue - Disarray
Ferelden Circle of Magi
One year before the Blight

"Struggling between the facts and fiction, I'm alone but I'm alive

Everyone around me is trying to make a statement

Then there's me, I'm just trying to survive

Some day I'm gonna find it, wish I knew what I was looking for

Inside the disarray (inside the disarray), I woke up this morning

Don't know where I'm going, but it's alright, I wouldn't have it any other way"

Disarray by Lifehouse

Anders watched with awe as Lillah Amell sparred in the ring with both Jowan and Owain; she impressively manipulated the Veil as if it were her own personal cloak. She was a true battle mage in the making, and the two apprentices were no match for her. She quickly had disarmed them and knocked to the ground. Then she laughed as she gracefully walked over and offered them her hand to assist them to their feet. Even though she was only an apprentice herself, she immediately began instructing them and the other mages that gathered about where they had made their mistakes and ways to correct it. It was no wonder she was Irving's favorite.

"Careful, Anders, don't let the templars see that look of admiration and affection on your face," Wynne whispered as she walked up behind him.

"I do my best, but she makes it so hard when you watch her move effortlessly and so gracefully while in battle. It's hard to keep your astonishment in check," Anders murmured.

"I understand, my dear boy, but you need to do a better job. The last thing you want is for them to discover that they have something to hold over on you," Wynne said in warning.

Anders gave a curt nod of understanding. "Now I do believe that you and I had an appointment to work on my group healing spells, so why don't we leave the future battle mages to their sparring."

Later that evening, hidden deep in the stacks of the library, Anders nuzzled against the bare breast of Lillah. He lovingly ran his hands up and down her taut stomach. He loved the feel of her velvety skin beneath his fingertips. Until he had meet the beautiful temptress beside him, he had never considered himself a one woman man, but Lillah was unlike any woman he had ever met. Not only was she stunningly gorgeous with her strawberry blonde hair and deep blue eyes, but she was charming, kind, and gentle—an utter contrast to her battle persona, which was fierce, strategic and aggressive.

He adored her completely, and he needed her absolutely, which is why he needed to convince her to leave with him. He had found a hidden passage in the dungeon of the Circle and, before it was discovered by the templars and sealed, he needed to use it to escape again.

He slid his hand up her stomach to her breasts, and then he gently rubbed the nub before he leaned over gently pulled it into his mouth and sucked. He heard her breath catch as her fingers tangled in his hair. "You're insatiable, love," she said in almost a purr.

"For you, Lil, always," he murmured as he shifted on top of her and began feathering kisses down her neck to her collarbone. She pressed her hips against him and, to his surprise, he realized he was ready to take her again. She raised her hips and he slid back inside her deep warm center. It was like coming home and a shiver ran down his spine as they slowly began to move together. Maker, she felt incredible as she wrapped her legs around him, drawing him deeper into her. She grabbed his ass, indicating she wanted him to pick up the pace, which he happily accommodated. She rocked her body against his as her breasts slid against his bare chest. Her breath was now ragged as a whimper escaped her lips and she lifted her hips up to meet his thrusts and match him. She racked her nails down his back, eliciting a cry of both pleasure and pain from him. He plunged deeper into her as she writhed against him. The ecstasy overtook her and she came hard against him.

He leaned back to squeeze her breast and pinch her nipples. The look of pure pleasure on her face was enough to send him over the edge, with a final thrust he moaned. "Lil, oh Maker, Lil yes." He shuddered violently against her as he grasped her hips, held her still as he ground deeply until the final spasm calmed. He collapsed against her, kissing her neck as he gently rolled off of her. "Lily, I found a secret passage in the dungeon that leads out of the Circle. We can escape… together, we can leave this place and live our lives together free of the Circle and templars."

"Anders, I can't leave the Circle. I am still at least a year away from my Harrowing. If I get caught, they will make me tranquil," Lillah said.

Anders brushed the hair out of her face. Then he kissed her soft lips as he murmured against them, "I would never let that happen."

"You have escaped six times, and six times they have brought you back. I love you, my sweet sexy mage, but I can't leave until I pass my Harrowing."

He continued to kiss and nibble at her neck. "Then I will wait."

"I can't ask you to do that. The templars could find that passage tomorrow and close it. I know you feel like a caged bird just itching to get out. No one expected you to make it this long. I lost my bet months ago."

"What? There were bets on how long I would stay?"

Lillah laughed. "Of course. I said you wouldn't last nine months, but you have been here almost a year."

"That is due to you, my dear. I would have been gone months ago if it weren't for you, and I can't imagine leaving the Circle without you. So I will make everyone lose their bets and I will wait for you to pass your Harrowing. Then we will leave this hell hole together."

She lovingly kissed his lips as she slowly stood to get dressed. "Well, then I look forward to life on the run with you."

Two weeks later, after dinner as Anders and Lillah made their way up to the library, Jowan came running up to them. "Did you hear that the templars found a hidden passageway out of the Circle?"

Anders felt his heart sink. "Aaah, no, I hadn't heard that. When did they find it?"

"Earlier this evening. They are going to start working on closing it tomorrow. They have templars guarding it now. Damn, I wish I had known about sooner. Anders and I could have been on the lamb together," Jowan said.

Anders gave him a sardonic smile. He would rather attack the Dark City by himself than escape with Jowan. "Yeah, maybe next time."

"Where are you two headed?" Jowan asked.

"Aaah, I asked Anders to help me with my healing spells, so we are headed to the library to get some books on healing theory," Lillah replied.

"Oh, okay, well I will see you later," Jowan said as he headed down the corridor.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Lillah turned to Anders. "You have to leave tonight, before they close the passage."

"I'm not leaving without you. I will find a way out for us a year from now," Anders replied.

"Anders, I love you, but the longer you stay here, the more that little spark that makes you who you are diminishes. I don't want to be responsible for that."

"I can wait a year, Lil. I can't leave without you. Freedom means nothing without you."

"Anything can happen in a year. This opportunity may never come again—"

"I will find another way out. I have done it six times and I will do it again when you are ready to leave."

Lillah was silent for a long moment then she nodded to herself as if she had come to a decision. "Then we will both leave tonight."

"What? No, you were right. If they catch you before your Harrowing, there is a good chance they will make you tranquil. I can't let that happen. I can't be responsible for that. That would be incredibly selfish of me. I can wait. You my sweet are worth the wait."

"Anders, love, you have to go tonight. Please, I beg you. I will go with you if you want me to, but you need to go."

"Why? Why the urgency now?"

"That is what I wanted to talk with you about in the library. I overheard Irving telling one of the senior enchanters that because you were so hard to control and that you keep telling the apprentices that all mages have the right to be free that they have scheduled you to be made tranquil."

"What? I have been here for almost a year and I haven't made one attempt to leave. And I only mentioned in passing once or twice that freedom should be given to all beings!" Anders said as he paced the floor then he grabbed her and pulled her into his arms, his lips crashing against hers as he desperately kissed her.

"I-I can't leave you." He moaned against her sweet mouth.

"Anders, you must. They mustn't be allowed to destroy someone as beautiful as you."

"Fuck!" Anders ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"Go gather your things and met me in the basement outside the apprentices rooms," Lillah said.

Anders quickly kissed her again as he rushed off to pack his bag. An hour later, he met her in the basement. Together, they quietly made their way down the various corridors that led to the hidden passage. Lillah looked around the corner and surveyed that there were four templars guarding the hidden exit. Her freeze spells were strong enough to take out two of the guards and she knew Anders could handle the other two.

She eased back around the corner and whispered to Anders the layout of the room and where the guards stood. Anders nodded his understanding. Then he just stared at her beautiful face as he memorized every line, every curve, every blue speck in her eyes. He leaned into her as his lips gently brushed against hers before he passionately claimed her mouth one last time. He kissed her as if the world was ending because, to him, it was. Life without her was no life at all. He pulled back and saw the tear glide down her cheek. As he gently wiped it away, her hand came up a caressed his own tears away.

"I love you, Anders," Lillah whispered.

He looked at her for a long moment, his heart pounding out of his chest. He had never uttered those three little words to anyone. He caressed her face and leaned in once again. As his lips brushed hers, he said, "I love you, too, Lillah."

She smiled at him before she asked, "Are you ready?"

Anders nodded. Lillah pulled up the hood on her cloak to conceal her face. They both took a deep breath, and then rounded the corner. Before the four templars could even react, Lillah and Anders had quickly disabled them. He kissed her one last time before he turned away from the woman that was his entire world, and ran for his life.

xxXxx

Anders had been on the run for almost two years and was becoming exhausted. He was always a few days a head of the templars, but by the time that he had made it into the old keep in Amaranthine, they were right on his tail. He had made it about halfway through the Keep when he realized that he had the misfortune to pick a castle that was being overrun with darkspawn. So, not only was he fending off templars, but he was also killing these blight monsters. The floor of the room that he stood in as he fought off three genlocks was also now scattered with the dead templars that had been pursuing him when the door burst open behind him.

He spun to face whoever had entered. "I-I didn't do it!"

A warrior came rushing at him with a mage following behind her. When the mage stepped out from behind the warrior, his heart stopped beating in his chest as his jaw dropped. "Lil," he whispered. She looked just as beautiful as he remembered. Her strawberry blond hair swirled around her face as she came to a sudden halt.

She looked at him and, as recognition dawned on her, a slight smile spread across her face. "Anders," Lillah said as she stepped toward him and embraced him.

Maker, she felt wonderful back in arms—so soft, so warm.

"I am so glad to see that you are alive. I've been so worried about you," Lillah said as she released him.

Anders laughed. "You've been worried about me. From what I hear, you've been busy becoming the Hero of Ferelden. No easy task, either."

"Aaah, it was nothing, really."

"As modest as ever," Anders said as he looked her over. He couldn't believe she was here. After all this time, she was standing in front of him. He thought he would never see her again, but here she was.

"So, I see that you and the templars are still on friendly terms," Lillah said.

"Well, about that, they weren't faring to well against the darkspawn when I arrived. By the time the fight was over, Biff here was the last one standing before he made the funniest gurgling noise when he went down."

Lillah smiled. "As sympathetic as ever, I see."

That smile... the smile that made it into every one of his dreams about her and just now sent his heart racing. He had thought that he was over her, that he had accepted that he would never see her again or be with her again, but the very sight of her made his stomach tighten and his head spin.

"So what are you doing here, Anders?"

"We were just stopping here on our way back to the Circle and, as luck would have it, we arrived just as the darkspawn attacked the Keep... and now they are dead. It's a real shame. I'm all torn up over it."

She chuckled. "Yes, I can tell you're heartbroken."

Anders looked around at the darkspawn corpses strewn around him. "Lil, you are obviously here for the darkspawn. I would be happy to help."

"I can use all the help I can get. It will be like old times."

"Oh, we killed darkspawn at the Tower together. I seemed to have forgotten that part," Anders replied and smiled back at her.

"No, I mean you and I fighting things together," Lillah said.

"Well, if I remember correctly, you were the fighter. I was the lover and occasional healer."

She grinned at him. "Well, I am in definite need of a healer."

Anders raised an eyebrow. "But not a lov—"

"Commander, we really need to secure the rest of the Keep," the warrior said.

Lillah blushed and coughed slightly. "Yes, you are right, Mhairi."

It took them the rest of the night to clear out the Keep of the remaining darkspawn, rescue the senechal, and secure the grounds. Just as dawn was beginning to peek over the hilltops, the royal standard could be seen entering through the main gate. Their little group made their way down to greet the new King of Ferelden. As he approached them, Lillah bent down on one knee. Everyone around them did the same, so Anders quickly followed suit.

Anders observed as Senechal Varel gave the King a report on the state of the Keep, and watched as the dwarf that was Lillah's Blight companion and the warrior, Mhairi, both claimed to want to join the Wardens. Well, good luck with that, Anders thought. Better you than me.

However, before he really could comprehend what was happening, one of the templars who had been tracking him stepped forward and accused him of murdering the templars in the Keep. The templar gave Lillah no choice; either let the templar take him back to the tower where surely he would be made tranquil, or conscript him.

She conscripted him.

When he woke up earlier this morning, he would have never believed that by the end of the day that he would see Lillah again and become a Grey Warden under her command.

During the entire exchange, Anders watched the way the King looked at Lillah and the way he smiled at her. There was a familiarity in his gaze and Anders felt his blood begin to boil. The King had married Queen Anora, but it was obvious that he had once had a relationship with the Warden-Commander. The question was if he still had a relationship with her. Maker, no, Lil, you deserve so much more than being the mistress of the King.

As the conversation came to a close, Anders overheard Alistair call Lillah "my love" and that he wished that she was still at court where it would be so much more fun.Anders had to keep from losing the contents of his stomach when the King leaned in and kissed her. He knew that it had been almost two years since he had left her, and he hadn't expected her to wait around pining for him, but he certainly felt she deserved better than this.

After the King had left, the new recruits had been led into the throne room where Anders participated in the Joining ritual. After drinking whatever heinous concoction was in the chalice, feeling the most horrific pain of his life, and having a bloodcurdling vision, he thankfully passed out. When he awoke, he was resting comfortably in a nice, warm bed and sitting in a chair beside his bed was Lillah.

She smiled at him as his gaze came to rest on her beautiful face. "Well, you made it. Anders. You are now a Grey Warden."

Anders just nodded. For once in his life, he was at a loss for words.

"Now you can stop running. You are finally safe," she said.

"We are mages. We will never be safe."

"You are protected under the Wardens. I will fight to protect you and keep you safe."

Anders nodded. The image of the King kissing her was still vividly fresh in his mind. "So... you're the King's mistress now." He struggled to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

Lillah bit at her lower lip, something she had always done when she was nervous. "Yes," she said flatly, and then paused to collect her thoughts. "We became involved during our travels trying to end the Blight. When I had discovered that he was the bastard son of Maric, I knew that he would be the best leader for Ferelden and that I had to place him on the throne. However, he could never be married to a mage, the nobles would never allow that, so I arranged for him to marry Anora."

"But why? Why did you continue to carry on a relationship with him once he was married?" Anders asked as the pain in his chest continued to grow.

She looked deep into his eyes and he could feel the tears forming there. "I-I did love you, Anders, but y-you had been gone for almost year when I was conscripted into the Wardens. I didn't receive one word from you or about you, not one rumor that someone had seen you, I didn't know if you were alive or dead. As I traveled with Alistair trying to stop the Blight and unite the country, I fell in love with him. He reminded me of you..."

"Oh great, so glad I could be so easily replaced. That seemed to work out great for him, huh?"

"Stop it. You weren't easily replaced. I mourned for you. When Alistair met me, I was in so much pain because I truly believed that you were dead, or that if you were alive, I would never see you again. Alistair tried to comfort me and help me come to terms with the fact that I would never see you again—"

"Oh, I'm sure he did. How long until he comforted himself right into your bed?"

Her jaw tightened, and she stood up and smacked him across the face. Tears streamed down her face. "You fucking bastard, I grieved for you. I thought my heart would never recover. Losing you almost killed me, and now you have the nerve to drag your arrogant ass in here and judge me? I will not apologize for moving on with my life."

She had turned to leave, but Anders grabbed her hand. "I'm sorry, Lil. That came out wrong. I'm not judging you for moving on. I truly expected you to do that, but you deserve so much more than to be the King's mistress. You deserve to openly be happy, not some secret to be hidden, and Alistair is selfish prick for treating as his dirty secret."

Her lower lip trembled as she tried to reign in her emotions. "I-I love him. It was my choice, not Alistair's. I had to convince him that this was what I wanted. I already had to give up the m-man that I loved once. I couldn't do it again, Anders. My heart couldn't take it again. I couldn't endure that pain again and come out okay. A piece of me died the night you went through that passage. If I had lost Alistair so close to losing you, I knew I would not have recovered."

Anders tugged at her hand and pulled her down on the bed beside him. He cupped her face as his thumb wiped away the tears that were now staining her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, love." It was all he could say. There were no words to take away the pain that he had inflicted on this beautiful, tender woman. He pulled her to his chest and embraced her tightly. "I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive. Our lives just took different directions. You were my first love. I will always care deeply for you."

"Same here," Anders replied, but in his mind, he said, "I will always love you."

Over the next nine months, Anders worked tirelessly by her side to end the darkspawn threat and to kill the Brood Mother and the Architect, but being close to her every day and not allowed to touch her, hold her, take comfort in her was slowly killing him. However, what nearly drove him out of his mind was when the King would show up to inspect the progress of rebuilding the Wardens.Inspection, his ass—it's hard to inspect the rebuilding from inside the Commander's bedchamber. Anders understood Lil's need to be with him, but he wished that she could see that she deserved so much more. It didn't have to be with him, although that would be nice, but that she deserved to be with a man that she could openly love and be loved in return and not just when he could make an excuse to sneak away from his wife.

As they approached the final battle, he already knew he couldn't stay here at Vigil's Keep with her. His heart couldn't take being this close to her again, but not be loved by her. He thought he would go to the Warden compound in Orlais, but when Kristoff died and Justice had made the offer to help him with his plight for the mages, he willingly and gratefully accepted it. Justice had been his saving grace. He fought valiantly during that final battle and, when the walls of the Keep came down, he removed his robes and placed them and his staff on a Keep soldier who looked similar to him, but whose face had been rendered unrecognizable. With Justice as his new counterpart, he made his way to the port of Amaranthine and bought a ticket to Kirkwall.

xxXxx

Anders had been in Kirkwall only a couple of months, but he had managed to establish himself and set up a free clinic in Darktown. Justice had really helped keep him focused; during the day he was too busy with patients to even think about Lil, and most nights he fell into to bed so exhausted that she was nothing but a brief passing thought. At times, he felt guilty for not thinking of her more, but then the image of her in Alistair's embrace would flicker through his mind, and the guilt would be replaced with anger over the injustice of the whole situation. If it weren't for the injustices of the Circle and the Chantry, he would be with the woman he loved. What he never realized, or what Justice never pointed out, was that if it weren't for the Circle, he would have never met Lillah in the first place.

He had been come comfortable in with his daily routine—get up in the morning, work on his manifesto, open clinic doors by eight o'clock, see patients most of the day, and then craft potions before he fell back into bed. It was a lonely life of solitude but, in may ways, he enjoyed the peace that the routine had brought him. What he was not prepared for was for that peace and solitude to be thrown upside down.

It had been a quiet day until the panicked parents rushed into the clinic with their son in their arms as the young boy clutched his chest, his breath raspy as he struggled to breathe. They laid him on the table and Anders quickly examined him. He immediately spotted the heart murmur and began to concentrate all of his healing energy toward the damaged organ. It took all of his strength and then some as he went through several bottles of lyrium. He thought he had almost lost the boy until the boy jolted up as he gasped for breath.

Anders turned from the table as he doubled over, trying to regain his strength. He heard the door of the clinic open and he felt something familiar... something magical entered the room.

He spun around, his staff at the ready. "I have made this a place of healing and salvation. Why do you threaten it?" Standing in front of the newly-entered group was a dwarf with a nasty-looking crossbow, a warrior with ginger red hair pulled back, and beside her was the source of the magic—a raven-haired beauty. Then from behind the mage stepped a vision that made his vision blur and his head spin.

"I'm just here to talk," the mahogany-haired rogue said. "Let me just put my daggers down here. I mean you no harm. I just want to talk."

Anders' heart was beating out of his chest. Unlike Lillah, the woman who stood in front of him had dark mahogany red hair, but her facial features were remarkably similar; they could have been sisters. Her sparkling deep blue eyes were exactly the same as the ones he had tried so hard to forget, but that had plagued his dreams for months. By the Maker, she had Lillah's eyes. When she fixed her gaze on him and smiled a roguish grin at him, his fragile world that he had built around him crumbled in complete disarray.

A/N – A huge thank the betalicious duo, Jinxy and Mackillian. Thank you ladies for your help and insight. I look forward to working with you on this new story.

*Also, I am co-Authoring a story with the mixy Jinx1983. It's called Keep Holding On. Summary - Anders told Lady Hawke that he laid awake for 3 years thinking about her. Those would be some very interesting thoughts and fantasies...a series of one shots would do those years some justice. Ht tp:/ /ww /s/ 703 9437/1/ Keep_ Holding_ On (remove the spaces)