Phantomhive Dating Woes

Disclaimer: Random, crack-like story. But then again, everything I write pretty much is.

XxX

One fine morning, Ciel Phantomhive woke up in his four-poster Victorian bed and was struck by the overwhelming realization that he was not a man. Not by a long shot. And it wasn't merely because he was twelve years old and only four foot nine; nor because he had another man scrub him thoroughly every evening in the bathtub—it was because he had never been on a date with a woman.

"A date?"

"Yes."

"With Lady Elizabeth?"

"Obviously," Ciel said stiffly to his mirror, attempting for the thousandth time to tie the slippery green ribbon into a bow around his neck, but failing again. Sebastian clicked his tongue disapprovingly, but Ciel had flat-out refused to allow his butler to dress him this morning. It was clear that this was somehow causing the butler pain, as he watched Ciel clumsily tie a double knot with his ribbon that any second grader off the street could have done better.

"I don't see why you insist on doing this yourself," Sebastian said delicately. "I would have thought that for a date you would want to look better than usual—"

"Quiet! I am perfectly capable of doing this myself!" snapped Ciel, spinning around with a fierce look in his eyes and putting his hands on his hips. "Sebastian, I am a man! A man who happens to be taking a woman on a date today! And men don't need help from other men in dressing themselves! Now come with me and ready my carriage!" Ciel began to head out of the room.

"Master…" Sebastian stopped Ciel with a gentle admonishing tone.

"What?" Ciel asked in as low of a growl as his pre-pubescent voice would allow.

Sebastian smiled. "Your hair is still pretty messy. Why don't you comb it?"

Ciel paused, rigid for a moment, then stalked over to his dresser top and seized the comb on top, dragging it through his hair like a rake a few times before throwing it down. "How's that?"

"Perfect," said Sebastian, smirking at the fuzzy mess the boy had made of his hair. Ciel started to leave again.

"Master…"

"What is it, Sebastian?"

"Don't forget to take your handkerchief." He held up the Phantomhive hanky custom embroidered with ducks and Ciel stalked over and grabbed it, shoving it up his sleeve. "Thank you, Sebastian," he said through gritted teeth, before turning to leave.

"Master…"

"For the love of God, what!" Ciel shouted, clawing at the doorframe.

Sebastian smiled pleasantly. "You forgot to put on your pants."

Ciel looked down in horror and saw that indeed, he was standing in a fresh collared shirt, a crisp dress jacket, and boxers and socks. He covered his face with one hand, rubbing his temples. "Sebastian…don't you think you could have told me that first?" he muttered in a dangerously soft voice.

"I am always hoping that someday my master will be a fine young man who doesn't forget to wear pants," Sebastian said seriously. Before Ciel could object, Sebastian had walked over with the pants to complete the set and was fitting them onto his master.

"There, there, now. Just put each leg in…yes, and up we go…and let's get this zipper tucked in nicely…"

"Sebastian! I can zip up my own fly!" Ciel cried furiously, blushing and jerking back out of the grip of Sebastian's overly friendly fingers.

"Oh?" Sebastian looked surprised and a little hurt. "But you let me do it every other day. And I'm quite sure that line 37 of our contract says that From That Day forward, it is my duty to make sure my master's fly is thoroughly zipped every morning and after he goes to the bathroom and—"

"Screw the contract!" Ciel shouted, blushing more and tugging the zipper up himself, accidentally catching some of his boxers in the process so that a little pocket of red plaid fabric was now hanging out of the front of his crotch. "I'm a man! Men don't need help to zip up their fly!"

Sebastian shot a strangely wistful look at Ciel's fly, just long enough that Ciel began to feel awkward, before standing up. "Yes, my lord."

"Now, go make me breakfast!"

"Of course, my lord." Sebastian retreated and Ciel watched him go, shaking his head. There was something not quite right about his butler today. Whatever. He'd better finish getting ready; he'd promised to pick up Elizabeth by noon.

.X.

Sebastian retreated to the kitchens, a cool glint in his eyes. A date, huh? That was fine. It was fine to think of Lady Elizabeth clinging to Ciel. Touching him. Giggling in his ear. Speaking in that intolerably feminine voice. Threatening to topple all the gayness that Sebastian had been working to instill in his young master for the past two years. Perhaps even…kiss him?

Sebastian convulsed involuntarily, then looked around to make sure he was alone, a new determination glowing within him. This would not do at all. Sebastian could not, would not allow this date to go through as planned. But what could he possibly do to avert it? Should he make up a catastrophe? Pretend that someone important had been murdered and that they needed to investigate immediately? Sebastian almost laughed; there was no need to pretend, really; he could just commit the murder himself.

But that would not do either, Sebastian figured after some more thought. Ciel would simply reschedule the date with Elizabeth, moving the problem at hand to another day. Besides, even with his superhuman speed and skill, Sebastian guessed he probably wouldn't have time to break into someone's house, murder them in cold blood, hide the evidence, and make it back here before the pancakes burned. Well, it was possible, but too troublesome. Then the only other option was…

Sebastian smiled darkly at the perfectly circular pancake bubbling and cooking on the pan before him as a deliciously diabolical idea entered his mind.

Yes. That was it.

The smile on Sebastian's face became more pronounced as hundreds of thousands of ideas for ways that he could "improve" the date came to his mind, each more horrible and wonderful than the last. This was perfect—all he had to do was convince Ciel to allow him to accompany him on the date, which shouldn't be hard given that the boy could barely open a door by himself, and make sure that everything Ciel planned for the day went as badly as possible. By the end of the day, neither Ciel nor Elizabeth would want to see the other ever again!

And he could start now. A second stroke of brilliance overtook Sebastian as his mind landed on the one person who could, if possible, make this situation even more interesting. And Sebastian had no doubt that he could be persuaded to participate…

Suave, calm, and never taking his eyes off the skillet, Sebastian wandered over to the boxy black kitchen phone and picked it up. He could hardly believe that he was in a situation where he needed to dial this number, and was fairly sure he never would again, but he still smiled faintly when an irritating, flamboyant voice answered on the other end.

"Ah, yes….Grell-kun," Sebastain put on his most velvety voice, trying to block out the squeals of the death god as his eyes glinted. "Yes, I know it's been a while. Far too long. The reason I'm calling is I was wondering if you'd be interested in accompanying me for a little day trip…"

A/N

I know it's short, I just didn't want to get too in depth in the first chapter. Subsequent sections will be longer, rest assured.