Title: Doodles

Summary: Someone has drawn Kurt, and the girls find the pictures. This calls for a quest to find out who drew them, one which will involve every girl and boy in glee. St. Hummel endgame.

Disclaimer: I confess. I'm a reincarnation of Ryan Murphy. What do you mean he isn't dead? Damn, that takes away that plot to claim glee for my own. Currently I'm stuck without it.

Dedication: Sofiajedi, because without her proofreading everything and encouraging me, nothing would get posted. Ever. She rocks.

A/N: …a line popped into my head, and this somehow happened. Warning: Going to be a weird ass fic.

Lord Tubbington was the actual instigator.

Brittany had to get toys for him, because the vet said he needed exercise. Brittany didn't particularly trust the vet, because he told her to get Tubbington off atkins which duh, even she knew was effective, but maybe Lord Tubbington was bored!

That would be sad. So Brittany decided to find something for him to play with. And Brittany knew all about what cats like. She had to find something cool from a trash can!

After all, nothing was more fun than the things people put in trash cans. Lord Tubbington rooted around in them all the time, except that made her parents mad so maybe if Brittany got stuff beforehand Lord Tubbington wouldn't need to root around himself.

But thing was, Santana told her she shouldn't root in garbage. And all of the trashcans in the cafeteria smelled really bad, and the lunch ladies kept shooing her away! But nobody was in the choir room, and that blue trash can Kurt put by the piano had lots of bits of paper in it! Lord Tubbington loved paper!

Brittany crouched down next to the piano and began to root around in the special blue trash can.

She found like, ten crumpled up balls of paper! It was funny how there was no food or anything in this trashcan. Maybe people in glee club didn't eat…Artie said he wasn't a robot, but everybody used to call Jesse an automaton! And when she asked Kurt about that, he told her it was a fancy word for robot. Maybe Jesse was the robot Lord Tubbington kept telling her about.

That reminded Brittany that she had to get home and give Lord Tubbington his gifts, and her knees sort of hurt from kneeling on the floor for so long. Thinking about robots took a long time.

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Lord Tubbington loved his new toys. He batted them all over her room, and thanked her very politely. Brittany was glad he was busy, so she had a chance to write in her diary without him reading it over her shoulder. She was in the middle of describing Artie's new pair of suspenders when Tubbington meowed loudly.

He was sitting in the center of the floor now, trying to pull a ball apart. Tubbington must've wanted to draw!

Brittany got off her bed and uncrumpled the paper. Tubbington meowed loudly, again.

"What's wrong?" She turned it over. "Oh!"

It had a picture of a cat on it! Guilt washed over Brittany. That blue box must've been somebody's special locker, and she'd stolen their picture! Brittany immediately picked up the other toys, Lord Tubbington glaring at her.

"Sorry Lord Tubbington. I need to find who these belong to." Brittany began straightening the creases in the other pictures. Hopefully the artist had signed the others.

Huh. The others were all of Kurt. She cocked her head. Somebody had gone to a lot of trouble to doodle Kurt's face, and his butt, and a full page drawing of him performing. They'd be sad to lose them.

She felt like a terrible person. At least she knew who to give the pictures to now.

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"Mercedes! Where's Kurt?" Mercedes blinked, feeling a headache coming on. She'd tried to stay up late last night and work out some sort of choreography for Nationals, and now the diva was absolutely fried. She had no idea how Kurt wasn't dead yet, what with the amount of time he spent practicing.

"Britt, it's early. I don't think he's even here yet, you know Kurt and his morning moisturizing routine." Brittany drooped. "Aw, Britt…can I pass on a message?"

She brightened instantly. "Yes! I found his pictures, can you give them to him for me?"

Mercedes wondered if this was a Brittany moment, or a morning moment. She'd never seen Kurt pick up a pencil to draw, ever, and he attested to the fact that his artistic talent was entirely fashion and musical based. "Do you mean a magazine?"

"No, the drawings!" Brittany searched in her bag for a moment and produced the sketches. "Can you give them to him?"

Mercedes took the drawings.

Who the hell was doodling Kurt's ass? Mercedes' protective instincts surged. Kurt needed emotional security after his breakup with Blaine, not somebody who wasn't out of the closet. And the Blaine situation proved well enough that Kurt had the ability to ignore enormous character faults in order to not be alone.

This person had to be checked out, and approved of, before he was allowed to freely doodle Kurt.

"Actually Britt, I think these were going to be a present for Kurt." A little white lie never hurt anybody. "Can you not tell him you found them?"

"Sure!" Brittany said enthusiastically. "I always wanted to be one of Santa's helpers! I can even find my elf costume!"

"Where did you find them, by the way?" Mercedes had to figure out who in a school of over 500 people was eying her boy…this was going to be tough.

"In the special blue box in the choir room." Brittany peered over Mercedes' shoulder. "Becky! Becky wait up, Lord Tubbington had a question for you!"

Brittany flounced off, leaving Mercedes blindsided. One of the boys in glee? Nobody else ever used the choir room. That certainly narrowed it down. And they clearly had some issues, if they were throwing away pretty good pictures.

Hell to the Naw. Kurt didn't need to deal with anybody who had problems. He had gone through enough.

But Mercedes couldn't handle the whole team herself. There was Finn, Puck, Sam, Mike, Artie, hell maybe even Mr. Schue. This called for extreme measures.

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"Someone's drawing Kurt?" Quinn leafed through the drawings. "Somebody in glee?"

"Yeah. And I want to know who. Somebody has been extensively studying Kurt's butt, and that person had better be worthy of such fine material." Quinn made an appreciative noise. Their boy's backside was an oft discussed subject among the girls.

"I seriously doubt Sam. His anatomy reacted very favorably to boobs when we were dating." Mercedes sighed.

"We don't know that much about him. I can't see it being any of the boys, but he's the one who dyed his hair."

"My man isn't gay." Lauren leaned across the table. They were unobserved, in a seventh period study that every other person, including the teacher, skipped. "But I find this intriguing. I'll talk to Puck."

"No!" Mercedes felt a flash of panic. "Puck would spread the news over the entire school. I want this kept quiet until we figure out who it is."

Lauren smirked. "Please. Puckerman isn't telling anyone, not when I'm done talking with him."

"Fine." Puck would be an good ally in this search anyway. Not only could he take down any guy in glee if it came to a physical fight, but he could hide the bodies when Mercedes had cut them. Better to have someone to take the fall for them than get their own hands dirty. "But we need to approach this delicately with Mike. I mean, he's dating Tina."

"Do we even want to tell most of the guys this? I mean, god knows Finn has homophobic tendencies." Quinn pointed out. "I've never even seen any of them paying much attention to Kurt unless he stands up and demands it."

"Somebody is sneaky." Mercedes reached for the pictures, and put them back into her binder. "I'll interrogate Sam."

"Mercedes, we need to do this subtly." Quinn was completely aware that Mercedes had a tendency to storm off and beat people down, which wouldn't help this situation at all. "What if it's somebody who would be a great boyfriend?"

"In this club? Let's check the records. We have poor confused little Finn, Sam the enigma, Artie the suspenders man, and Puck." Mercedes shot Lauren an apologetic look. "No offense Lauren. But Puck's a douche bag."

"I know. He's incredibly hot while doing it. If he is does want Kurt, I'll let him off easy. Provided they let me watch." Quinn sighed. That was a wonderful image right there.

"We can go to him first. Lauren, are you positive he won't talk?" Quinn asked. Lauren smiled, looking terrifying predatory.

"Believe me, I have ways."

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Quinn had always been just a little bit scared of Puck. Not as if he'd hurt her, because honestly Quinn was a cheerleader and Sue put all of her cheerios through intense army training and Puck wasn't that douchey anyways, but because he was unpredictable. It was always just a bit tough to know how Puck would react to his thoughts. He had the potential to cause a lot of destruction.

So it was very, very, sweet to see him cowering against the lockers. He looked half turned on and half terrified as Lauren loomed over him, blistering threats raining from her lips. She and Mercedes exchanged impressed glances.

"What did I do?" Puck whispered when Lauren paused for air.

"That was a brief preview of what will happen to you if you're the person we're looking for." Lauren held up a drawing of Kurt doing a high kick. "Did you draw this?"

"No." Lauren somehow became taller, and Puck shrank five inches. "I swear! I didn't even know Hummel could bend that way."

Lauren grunted in satisfaction. "Sure?"

"I don't have any notebooks, there are nerds to take notes for me." Puck looked at the drawings, clearly intrigued. "Where'd you get it?"

"Brittany found it in the recycling of the choir room. There's one that's just Kurt's butt." Puck frowned.

"Why do you think I did it? It might've just been one of you girls."

"Puckerman, if any of us had the skills to draw Kurt's ass in that much detail, we wouldn't toss it. He is fine." Puck looked indignant. Lauren ignored the expression. "You're going to help us uncover whoever drew these. And if we don't approve of them, you're going to dispose of them."

Puck grinned. "I get to do the most fun things with you."

"Stick around. You just might end up privy to something just as enticing." Mercedes gagged.

"TMI guys. Puck, just stand in the background and glare when we tell you to." The diva pointed to Quinn. "Who's the next candidate?"

"We talk to Tina about Mike. We aren't attacking her boyfriend." Quinn shot Mercedes a dark look. "But I'm doubting his homosexuality. We've all heard Tina's stories. He's a damn good faker if he's hot for Kurt instead."

"Do I have to hear this?" Lauren whacked Puck. He suddenly resembled a puppy. "Just saying, why don't you go after Sam? Or Artie, he doesn't have a girlfriend."

"If it's not Mike, he'll be helpful for intel. He's the only guy in glee club everybody is cool with." Mercedes yanked the drawing from Puck's hand and put it back in her binder, then crossed Puck off their list.

"One other thing." Quinn gestured to the binder. "Mercedes, keep that binder safe. Nobody need know we're up to something."

A/N: Eh, whatcha think? Sorry to all the Puck/Kurt fans, but I could never see Puck and Kurt together. Now review, please, because this is going to be so hard to write.