So laugh in your loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Learn to Be lonely

Learn how to love life that is lived alone

~POTO

"That will be €30."

"Per ticket?" I fiddled with my colicky child in one arm, and the leather wallet in the other.

"No, the child's ticket is €5."

"Why shouldn't she ride free? She's just a baby, not a child." The man sighed, obviously not willing to deal with customers this early in the morning.

"I don't make the rules. Besides, she's crying. I'll let you know now that if the doesn't stop, somebody will kick you off the train, without a refund for causing a disturbance to the other, private passengers."

"You must be joking."

"I'm afraid not, Miss. Make your choice fast, because the 6:45 is gonna be rolling around here any minute now." Biting my lip, I shoved the money at him, watching eagerly as he rolled out the two tickets.

"Have a safe trip, Miss." Not bothering to answer back, I shoved the wallet in the rucksack and rushed past him towards the train stop. Channa bellowed like there were pins sticking in her bottom.

I sat on a bench and rocked her back and forth. "Shh, sweet baby. We're going to be okay, now. We're going to have our own home, and your Papa will come back soon enough, and we'll all be together again, as a family. So there's no need to cry, now." I hadn't really believed that my words would quiet her, so I wasn't too surprised when they didn't. I hummed to myself and continued to rock her, hoping she would fall asleep.

I was nervous; now I was really on my own. The world around me was so big, outside the camp. Where exactly were we going? How was I going to support myself, and Channa? The train rolled into the station at six forty five on the dot, and I stepped on it, almost hopeful.

The future was bright, I knew it had many good things in store for us; after all, if God had wanted us to fail and suffer, he wouldn't have let us get this far. I was sure of that.

When the train pulled away from the station, my heart fluttered like a butterfly. With every roll of the wheels, I knew I was getting further and further away from danger, closer and closer towards real freedom. I lifted Channa to see the window.

"See, Baby? See the land rolling past us; we're safe, now. They won't ever get us, I promise." I smiled and planted a kiss on her head. She sniffed, and her wails stopped, and she merely looked at me, almost as if she could understand me.

The cabin was almost empty, there were more stops to make, and I knew it would get fuller with every stop. Trying to take advantage of it, I lay down on a row of seats, lifting Channa above me, looking her straight in the face.

"Do you think you were sent to me because you're trying to teach me something? Your eyes are too old to be an infant's, I know it." Sadly, she offered no verbal response, only a silly gurgle. I laughed to myself and held her close, stroking her hair.

"Mama's just crazy... but that's alright, I suppose. Your father can balance me pretty well. He's such a wonderful man, Channa.. Such a wonderful man.."

"What are you doing?" Duncan chuckled and nuzzled my neck from behind, acting like a child.

"Playing around. Have I ever mentioned how pretty you are?"

I smiled, rolling my eyes. "I think you've drank too much tonight, Duncan."

He laughed again, hugging me around my waist and holding me tightly. "You didn't answer my question."

"Because I don't believe you're serious; really, how many bottles of that cheap beer have you drank, tonight?"

"Prinzessin, I'll have you know that they wouldn't dare serve me cheap beer. I only take the best." I snorted. "What, do you doubt me?"

"Maybe." He growled and rolled around until he was laying right next to me, facing me.

"I dare you to say that to my face." I smirked and tapped his nose.

"You would drink any cheap beer they give you, as long as it had the right amount of alcohol in it."

"Oh no, Prinzessin. I demand they only serve me the best. The kind that's shipped in all the way from halfway across the world."

"Stop lying," I teased, caressing his cheek. He smiled.

"Fine, don't believe me then." I hummed, continuing to caress his face. He leaned forward and gently kissed my temple, brushing back stray hairs. "I don't know what to do with you sometimes, I love you so much."

"Show me, and don't hold back." Something glinted in his eyes then, and he sat on his elbows.

"Since when were you the one giving the orders, here? Last time I checked, I was your superior, and you were my little mistress." A smile spread across my lips. "What are you going to do about it, Sir?" He chuckled and shook his head.

"I love you, Prinzessin."

"I love you too, Duncan. Now would you please tell me?"

"Do I get a kiss?"

"Only if it's satisfactory."

"You're exasperating sometimes, you know that?"

"Very much so, now go on." He grinned and took my face in his hands. "Sometimes I want to just caress your cheeks, and kiss them, over and over again."

"Only sometimes?" He shot me a look. "Continue."

His hands reached upward, tapping my nose. "Your nose is so dainty, so perfect." His fingers grazed above my nose, tapping each freckle. "Seven beautiful freckles."

"I always hated them; I resented the sun when I was a child." He scoffed. His hands gently traced over my eyelids.

"Two gorgeous, perfect eyes, the color of midnight, the best time of the day."

"And why's that?"

"Because it's when I get to see you." I leaned forward and kissed him gently.

"You're sweet tonight; really, how much did you drink?" He ignored what I said, and his fingers laced themselves in my hair.

"Even through all its been, your hair is so lovely. When we move into our new home, I do wish you'd grow it out." I nodded.

"Shall I go on?"

"No, you're embarrassing me," I muttered, my face already a light pink. He smirked.

"Good."

"You, my beautiful Courtney, are mine. And I never want to give you up."

"Duncan?"

"Yes?"

"...Really, how much did you drink?" He laughed wholeheartedly, embracing me once more.

"Only a few bottles."

"Six?"

"Three."

"You're improving."

"I wouldn't drink at all if you wished it so."

"Be quiet, we both know you don't mean that."

"Maybe."

"You're exasperating sometimes."

"Only sometimes?"

I grinned and kissed his lips to quiet him.

Channa woke me up with her whining. Her colic was getting worse, and I was at a loss for what to do; a few passengers stirred or groaned in their sleep. I apologized profusely, but Channa would not cease, and frankly, I needed sleep.

I wished Duncan was here to help, to quiet her down to do something other than be stuck back at the camp. Alas, wishing did nothing. I reached into the rucksack for her bottle, hoping that she was only hungry-even though I'd fed her only a few hours prior. However, my fingers grazed a different glass container.

I pulled it out, deep in thought; there were pros and cons. One one hand, she would stop crying, and we would be safe until our arrival. On the other hand, it might stint her further development. It was a choice of risk, really. Risk our chance at a future, and her life, or risk a Channa's chance of a normal life. A tough decision indeed.

I cooed soft words to her while I filled the syringe with the liquid. My hands trembled, but I knew that it was for the best, that I probably had no other choice. Besides, I needed sleep too. I needed to have energy for our journey, to make rational decisions. I knew it was selfish, and against 'good mother etiquette', but I really didn't know what else to do.

She cried again as the needle went into her skin. It broke my heart, but I started to sing her to sleep, to try and ward off the pain.

"Small child, all alone in the world. Wanting for nothing, always recieving. Look deep, and you shall find all you ever craved, all your mind ever desired. Once you find it, hold it tight, but let it go. Nothing ever gives satisfaction very long, not even life. But it doesn't matter, because more things will come, and they will be beautiful, just like you."

She was asleep; I sighed in relief.

"Ay, you married?"

"Who's asking?" In the dark, a cat-eyed woman crept towards us.

"Name's Ida. You married?"

"No."

"Good. Listen, I know ya payed your ticket for Switzaland, but I got a job for ya if you interested." Although the looks of her gave me reason to doubt, a job was a job, and God knew I needed one.

"What kind of a job?"

"My brother owns a pub, he be lookin' for some nighttime entertainment, but jazz singers are too expensive, 'cause of the war, yanno?" I nodded, pretending as if I understood. "You got a pretty face, body ain't so bad either, not to mention the pipes."

"Excuse me?"

"Your voice. I heard ya singing back there. You decent, at least. My brother, he pay ya good for a pretty face like that." I hesitated. On one hand, it was a job. On the other, I didn't know these people. They could be trouble.

"Look, I know ya payed your ticket already, but he be dyin' for somebody to fill the position. So get off with me in the morning, talk to my brother, see what he offerin', and if ya don't want it, I'll buy ya another ticket myself. Done deal?"

"I..."

"Good." She smiled and stood. "Get some sleep; you gon' need it." And just like that, I was going to get a job.

Try as I could, I couldn't sleep at all.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I stumbled nervously along the path she pulled me. She snorted.

"Relax, you're a natural." Natural I was not, as I could feel myself trembling something fierce. What was I so scared of, I had to ask. Was it the possibility of getting a job and being of my own? Or was it the possibility of failing and being captured? Either way, the thoughts were quite unnerving.

"Here we are." The place didn't look too bad, actually. Just like a typical inn, only at daytime. The outside view needed work, to attract more people, and the building was huge, as if it was an entire house, not just a pub.

"Is it really only a pub?"

"Naw, we own the entire place, though. We rent out the rooms upstairs for people who want 'em." I nodded, shielding my eyes from the bright sun. "You ready to meet Benny?"

"Is that his name?"

"Yup. Well, Benny's short for Benjamin of course, but you know. Now come on, it's freezin' out here." I stepped into the inn quietly, glad Channa was sound asleep, unable to interrupt what could be a life changing opportunity. Sure, it was selfish to think like that; but I was doing this for us. It was quiet, inside; almost too quiet. A few people ate meals at their places, idly reading the paper, but nobody speaking, or even acknowledging our entrance.

"Wait here, I'll go get him." Before I could say anything else she left the room in a hurry. It was only then that I noticed how odd I looked compared to everybody else. Their clothes were strange, to say the least. The skirts were shorter, suits were tighter, hats sharper, hair curlier; I bit my lip. How was I to ever catch up with all of this? Could I even try to fit in? I sat down on a stool before I collapsed.

I closed my eyes tightly, breathing in deeply. I could do this; I knew I could, it was all a matter of putting myself out there and bringing the confidence to complete it. It was strange to think like this; I'd been oppressed from this part of my personality for so long, that it was almost like it was somebody else acting for me.

That's when I realized that was all it took; acting. I could do that; act the part of a German girl working in an inn. I sighed; except for that little fact that I had no idea where to start. Maybe Ida would teach me; if I got the job, that is.

"That her?" I lifted my head. There Idea was, with what I assumed was Benny, her brother. He stood tall, but muscled; and might I say, he wasn't too bad looking, either. Although I suppose you would have to be, if you owned a place such as this.

"Yeah; what'cha think?" He walked over to me, and subconsciously I put Channa down. I tried to stand straight as he looked at me. His eyes found mine first, and I tried not to flinch. They were almost as black as mine.

"What's your name?"

"Angelika." I didn't hesitate. I wasn't ignorant enough to know that it would be best to fall under a false persona. My appearance was already strange enough as it was, and it was up to me to commit some damage control.

"You can sure look the part. Can you sing?"

"Why don't you find out yourself?" I quipped with a sly grin. He laughed and smiled back.

"I like this girl. Alright, we'll try it out tonight. Give her something to sing, Ida. We'll see how much attention it gets and then we'll discuss a future arrangement."

"You mean... I got the job, just like that?" He laughed again, pinching my cheek before walking away.

"She'll do." I rubbed my cheek, smiling a little.

"That's Benny for you. Meanwhile, you can stay in one of the rooms up there. They really aren't so bad. You got a bed, a kitchen, a fireplace and stuff. I'll show ya to your room."

"Wait, Ida?"

"Yeah?"

"What exactly do I.. wear... to preform...?" She laughed, pulling my arm.

"This is going to be fun."

Dear Duncan,

I know you must be worried. Channa and I are fine, really. We just had a change in location. I got a job. I'm working in an inn, as a singer; I'll disclose the address if you'd like to write back. Channa and I miss you dearly, we wish you'd join us soon. But for the meanwhile, I think we'll be fine. I'll be fine.

Love you with all my heart,

Angelika

And so Channa and mine's life began. It was really simple; every night I sang downstairs, the inn got more profit, thus giving me higher wages. I was allowed to remain living upstairs, under the due condition that Channa was not allowed downstairs in the night while I sang. Ida watched her then, and had really taken a liking to her. She grew up so quickly.

How the months flew by when you have a baby to watch over. Her skin became more lush and porcelain-like, her dark curls grew like weeds; I couldn't bear to cut them, they were too beautiful. Her eyes remained blue as her father's; innocent and wise at the same time. I bought her every pink, frilly thing I could. When her hair was long enough, I tied ribbons in it and watched her grow into a beautiful fairy-child right before my eyes.

Every day I walked with her into the village, I had to buy her something new; and imagine, she was only nine months old, and couldn't speak yet. Everybody that saw her gushed about her beauty, and she smiled back like the little princess she was. Her first smile was so faltering, so sly as if she knew exactly what she were doing. I'd lifted her up immediately after, planting kisses on her warm cheeks, while she only continued to smile, almost never stopping.

She babbled often, mostly to herself, but often to me. I encouraged it, wanting her to speak more than anything. She enjoyed laughing to herself and reaching for me, despising if I wasn't in the room with her; I felt the same way. Besides when I had to work, I never let her out of my sight. She came into town with me everyday, and pointed to the little birds who pecked at her carriage.

I wasn't envious of the birds anymore.

I hadn't heard back from Duncan since I wrote him last; I thought about him everyday that passed. When Channa smiled, I cried, because her father should have seen that smile too. I made sure she knew about him; I told her stories about him every night, and let her memorize the sole picture of him I had-I'd stolen a picture of him one night when he wasn't paying attention; it was such a lovely picture, he was smiling in his uniform. There wasn't a sole night I didn't dream of him and wake up, grasping at the sheets beside me, hoping he was by my side, crying in frustration when he wasn't.

Benny and Ida proved great friends. We dined with them every night, and Benny served wonderful to Channa. I loved that she was able to have some type of male figure in her life, to fill a different type of role than her absent father. No, I did not think that Benny could take his place, but it was nice that somebody could fill the role while he was absent. He took to her very quickly, always wanting to hold and coddle her. He and Ida didn't hesitate to shower her with gifts either. I was worried she was going to be spoiled, but she only smiled and accepted everybody's gifts.

Currently, she lay on the floor, babbling to her small toys and object. "Nananana," her high voice rang, rolling over on the carpet. I smiled and picked her up, chuckling at her whines of being disturbed from play. "Can you say Mama?"

"Nananana."

"No, Mama." She giggled and shook her head, cuddling her face into my chest. I smiled warmly and stood, walking around our small home.

"You're such a big girl; can you believe it? Almost a year old..." Almost a year since I'd seen her father. I wondered if he still thought about it, if he knew that Christmas was a little more than a month away, and that Channa's birthday was coming up. I shook my head, deciding it best to distract myself before I became to absorbed in such thoughts.

"What do you say we go down to the market and see if we can find something nice, hm? Maybe your Auntie Ida could come with us." She smiled brightly, and I kissed her head before buttoning her up in a thick jacket and a hat. I gently laid her in the cradle before grabbing my own coat, fluffing my hair in the mirror. Nine months, and I looked splendid.

Thanks to Ida, the consultancy of many salesladies, and persistence of my dear hairdresser, I finally looked normal. My body didn't look so deathly ill any longer; I could fit into all of the nice dresses I bought easily, without any sharp bones protruding anymore. Ida didn't ask, she just kept looking for more dresses. Despite what my hairdresser and Ida thought, I refused to wear the short, curly look that was so in style with all the young ladies. No, I grew my hair out as fast as I could; it hung to my upper back, now, much to my pleasure. I curled it at night when I preformed, or tied it up. The only downside was Channa; she loved to pull on it.

I stopped by the bar counter, where Ida was polishing the mugs. "Don't you ever get tired of that?" She stopped and looked up, grinning at us merrily.

"Sure. Where you two off to?"

"We're going to the marketplace; would you like to come? I think Channa would enjoy your company very much." Ida leaned over and tapped Channa's nose.

"Sure I'll come. Just lemme get my coat." I nodded and walked outside, shivering from the chilly wind. I leaned down and fastened Channa's coat a little tighter and made sure the blanket was on her before shaking my hair out and pulling a hat over my head. Ida stepped out just then and we walked the short distance to the marketplace.

"She sure grows up fast, doesn't she?"

"Oh yes," I answered, glancing at all the clothes in the windows. "Soon she'll be talking up a storm, and walking so fast it'll take all three of us to make sure she doesn't get lost in the Inn." Ida chuckled and pulled on her gloves.

"Sure. Benny loves her; I think he should have his own kid. He's always taken a real shine to the little 'uns."

"He hasn't ever settled down with a girl?" I asked curiously, pausing by one of my favorite shoppes.

"Not that I know of. He got his heart real hurt a few years back, wasn't too keen on finding another girl since." I nodded, continuing to walk.

"He seems like a really good guy. I'm sure he'll settle down sooner rather than later." We both fell quiet. We stopped by the bridal shop, and my heart ached a little, just like it did every time we saw it. The dress in the window wasn't my favorite, there was one in the back that was more to my liking. Despite my better judgements, I had foolishly tried it on months earlier. I had been thinking of Duncan and our alleged engagement, then. The ring on my finger had never felt so hot.

"How about you, Ida? Ever fallen in love?" She shook her head.

"Naw. I'm still waiting for my prince charming. Benny tries to set me up with one of his buds now and then, but none of them take a real interest in the bar tender." She grinned. "However, they do like the lovely young singer with the unusual long hair." I rolled my eyes at her, smiling a little. "But I see you with that ring on your finger. Plus the little munchkin. Was he special?" I nodded, the tears brimming as soon as I thought about it.

"He still is. I never stopped loving him. We're waiting for him to come home."

"And what if he doesn't?" I tried not to let her words cut my heart.

"Then he doesn't."

"Would you ever settle down again?" I bit my lip and shook my head, letting out a shaky shudder. The snow began to fall, lightly.

"I don't think I could."

Ida sighed and rubbed her arms. "That's a real shame, then. I think Benny's taken a real shine to you too." I gasped and lightly slapped her arm.

"You naughty person. Are you trying to set me up with your brother?" She laughed and shrugged.

"Maybe. But we should probably head back; the snow's gonna be coming down thick, and we don't want Channa catching cold now, do we?" I smiled down at my child and let her grab hold to my finger.

"No, I suppose we don't. Let's go home."

The walk home was filled with laughter; but the back of my mind remained troubled as always. I couldn't look Benny in the eye as he pulled his sister's plaits and planted kisses on Channa's cheeks. He asked if I would like Christmas off, I told him I would. I was about to head upstairs, when he grabbed my arm.

"Ay, before I forget. There was a letter addressed to you in the mail." I rolled my eyes; Benny always liked to trick me with fake letters, in them, containing some type of cheesy poetry, and my paycheck for the week. I grabbed it out of his hands and went upstairs.

"What do you say I give you a nice bath, and then we cuddle up by the fire to read a story, hm?" I mused to my child, picking her up and setting the letter down on the table as soon as I stepped through the door. She giggled and clapped, and I set her in her playpen before going to start the bath.

Only after I bathed and fed her did I bother to open the silly letter that I wasn't really in the mood for. When I saw what was written, I screamed.

Prinzessin,

I'm coming to visit.

-Duncan