Title: If Fangirls Were Modern Gadgets [IAHF Omake]
Character(s)/Pairings: IAHF students
Genre: Humour, Parody, Dramallama
Rating/Warnings R for swearing and innuendo. Lots and lots of innuendo.
Summary: [Set during the Murder at the Fanfiction Academy arc] The students of the International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction have been turned into modern gadgetry by a Gary Stu. What were they up to while everyone else tried to capture the snake behind the murders?

Notes: Big warning here for brand product overload (Disclaimer: I don't own any of these brands). And perverted machines (Rule 34 has no exceptions, folks). AND LOTS OF CRACK.

If Fangirls Were Modern Gadgets

Kitty Smith woke up that morning feeling rather… well, stiff.

Too stiff for comfort.

"Hey, what the hell is this?" she demanded, noticing how her body would light up at inopportune moments. "What the hell is going on?"

As the screen flared up, Kitty suddenly saw. She was inside a room – a spacious bedroom, to be exact, with a circular bed in the centre. Opposite was a giant-screen telly. One of the remotes was twitching.

"He pushed my buttons!" the remote yelled, and Kitty wondered if she was just having a bad dream.

"Hey, who's that?" she called.

"Shut up, Kitty, I'm sleeping!" the digital camera next to her snapped sleepily.

"Anita!" Kitty gasped in horror. "Anita, what's wrong? What…"

If a digital camera could glower, it would have. "Damn, Kitty, what's so important that – oh."

"Hey, look, I'm an iPod Shuffle!" Mariam Webb's voice wafted up from the shelf below.

"What am I?" Anita demanded, peering at Kitty the iPad.

"You're a digital camera," Kitty replied. "What am I?"

"You're an iPad," Anita sighed. "Who else is over here?"

"Andy, the remote controller," the violated remote yelled from across the room. "Sara's with me; she's the BluRay disc player."

"Damn it, I'm hungover," Sara Parker snapped, and barfed up a disc.

"Shutter Island. Impressive," Andy the Violated Remote remarked.

"What the hell happened to us?" wondered Kitty, trying to look around her at the other gadgets lining the shelves. Whoever owned this room must be very into technology.

"Oh, hey! Are you guys pieces of technology, too?" a MacBook called from Mariam's shelf. "This is Karin Guarez."

"Ew, it's a Mac!" the HP touchscreen desktop yelled in a voice eerily like Merka's.

"Shove off, obviously PCs are evil." Karin the MacBook sniffed.

"Yeah, but Apple's logo is an apple for a reason, isn't it?" Merka the PC asked.

"Oh, let's not get into that old debate," Kriss the AK-47 (a strange, violent change from the various pieces of entertainment technology in the room) snapped. "I don't want to shoot anyone."

"Sure, and I'm a BluRay disc player," Sara retorted, and then paused. "Damn."

The door suddenly opened, and a young man who looked like the owner of the room (he certainly looked geek enough to own it) strode in and placed two more gadgets on the shelf.

"I'll be there in a moment, darling," he called to the door. The already present gadgets went eerily silent; Kitty muttered something to Anita about betting on who the newcomers were.

The young man left the room but then re-entered with – Wait a moment, Kitty thought. That's not right. That's me, and I'm Kitty! Much to her disgust, the young man started making out with not-Kitty; Kitty could vaguely hear not-her moaning his name. Dirk, was it?

Oh, him. The dodgy newcomer guy. He was cute, but… he turned her into an iPad. You don't turn girls into iPads and then make out with their clones while they're forced to watch. Kitty felt violated. Maybe she should file a sexual harassment complaint.

"You seeing this?" Anita whispered. Kitty could tell by her voice that the other girl was disgusted and rather scared of what was going on. "I'm turning off. This is too much to bear."

"Talk to you later, then," Kitty sighed.

"Psst!" The newcomers, a Nintendo DS and a Darth Vader PSP, hissed at Kitty. "Where are we?"

"Who are you?" Kitty whispered, trying to block out the very obnoxious moans that not-her was making.

"Hotaru-chan and Mitsuki Horenake," the DS whispered. "Mitsuki's Darth Vader."

"He's not even cute," whimpered the PSP.

Kitty wasn't sure whether Mitsuki was referring to Dirk or Darth Vader, so she chose to remain silent.

Sadly, not-Kitty was anything but silent.

"I'm going to throw up my hard drive," groaned Karin the MacBook after Dirk and not-Kitty had left the room, giggling. "That was disgusting."

"My virgin eyes!" wailed Susanna Black-White, who had arrived as a white iPhone. "My innocent virgin eyes!"

"No Lucas to protect you?" Kitty called up. If she had a mouth, she would have grinned evilly. In the end, she settled for trying to find an app that would let her laugh evilly. She couldn't find one.

Oh well, whenever she got opposable thumbs again she would start planning out an Evil Laughter App. She could even market her Gaydar as an app. Ooh… they'd go off like hotcakes.

"Don't rub it in; you're evil," sniffed the scarred white iPhone. "How did I get here, anyways?"

"I suspect that Dirk fellow replaced us with Stu-worshipping clones and turned us into gadgets so we can't escape this room," Tori Troutman said serenely. She couldn't help but be serene; she was a lava lamp.

"This is going to be awkward," Taylor Drews-Garcia the Bose noise-cancelling headphones giggled. He was next to Franklin Mycroft Livingston, who was an iPod Touch.

"Don't even think of plugging in," Franklin snapped. "I might just die of shame."

"What if he plugs me into something else, though?" Taylor wondered. "Like Kitty?"

"Aaaargh! Put on a condom first!" complained Kitty.

"Headphone jacks don't use condoms," Taylor replied lewdly. "I mean, we don't even use WD-40 –"

"LA LA LA LA, WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS!"

"Hey, at least be glad you didn't wind up as something worse," reasoned Charlie Tenterden. He was a revolver. "I mean, you could have been turned into a vibrator."

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" everyone in the room screamed, but they were cut off mid-scream by an agitated hissing noise from the adjacent room.

"What's in there?" demanded Anita, who had turned on again. "I thought I heard screaming and hissing."

"No idea," Kitty replied. "Is there anyone near that room?"

"I think it's a snake," Andy called from the other side of the bedroom. "Dirk left me lying under the bed yesterday and I got a good view of that room. It's blocked by a force field. In the other room is a humongous cobra."

"Aaaaugh!" Korah Lyons the iHome screeched. "A snake? Where?"

"It's not going to get you," sighed Celeste the Flip Video Camera.

"But…but…" Korah whimpered. "Snakes are scary…"

"You're going to be fine," asserted Kitty.

"Oh, hey, here he comes with another girl," Carolina Brown the Kindle called. "Wait a second, she looks like me!"

"Not again!" cried everyone else.

"I feel violated," Carolina said after that was done.

"Doesn't it feel like watching a porno about yourself?" Kitty asked consolingly. "Now I know how it feels when the Staff read bad porn of themselves."

"Well, at least we know the carpet matches the drapes," Charlie remarked snidely.

"Ooh, I can't wait for your turn," Carolina retorted. If revolvers could blush, Charlie would have been bright red. "We'll get to know if you're a natural redhead or not."

"Oh, he is," Taylor drawled. "Say, the third party of our threesome isn't here. Where's the Meggster?"

"How did she avoid getting transformed? Maybe she is his sister after all," Carolina said thoughtfully.

"Carol? Where are you?" Dorothy's voice came from the other side of the room.

"On a shelf. Yourself? Where's Bonnie?"

"Bonnie's with me. She's a Wii remote."

"And Dora's an Xbox 360 controller," added Bonnie.

"On the other side of the room? Darn," Carolina sighed. "It's getting rather dark in here. I guess it's night-time?"

"Whassup, bitches?" Ashton West's voice came from the ceiling. Anyone who could look up did so.

"What the hell is a disco ball doing here?" KyAnna the Wacom Tablet demanded.

"I'm being fucking fabulous!" cackled Ashton the Disco Ball. He suddenly lit up and started twirling about, temporarily blinding some of the camera students. "Wheeee! I'm sparkly! Sparkly sparkles!"

"Why am I a fucking Twilight book?" whined Kiril Loris from the bookshelf.

"At least you're not a SAT practice test book," Enrique Escatara retorted. "I'm so boring; I think I could fall asleep."

"Oh look, we're turning into books, too," Kitty remarked. "Hm, I haven't heard Jennifer, Megan, Lucas, Karen DuLay, or Alice Wang."

"Mighty Major J's not here, either," added Mike Hawk the Hippo Pillow Pet. "Or Faye."

"Thank glod," sniffed Allison Frazier, who was a Physics textbook.

For a few moments, no one spoke. Kitty absentmindedly browsed through the apps in her library. Merka logged herself onto the Internet and started trolling 4chan. Susanna Black-White tried to call her family, but realised that she was low on battery.

"He's coming back," Ashton suddenly said. Several students quickly turned off, but Kitty kept herself running. She was aware, though, that she only had a couple more hours' worth of battery. She didn't want to know how it felt to run out of battery.

Dirk sighed as he picked up the white iPhone and carried her over to the desk before sticking the charger in her. Kitty winced.

"That's gotta hurt, getting something stuck in you…" Anita whispered sadly, trembling slightly.

Dirk escorted in Megan, who looked slightly dazed. "How have you been?" the alien girl asked, yawning. "I don't think my roommate trusts you."

"She will, soon," Dirk replied slyly. "And I've been fine, Megs. Look! I've been collecting. Want to see?" Dirk grabbed Kitty the iPad. "Just got this the other day."

"You've been practicing your sound effects?" Megan poked at Kitty, grinning. Kitty tried not to heat up at her proximity to Megan's legs, but it was a losing battle. Damn overheating technology.

Another thing to Kitty's To-Do List: complain to Apple about cooling systems on the iPad.

The days whittled away, and each day brought in more student-gadgets. Loki Shadow Reave was a Nerf gun, for some strange reason. Blaise Asmodée was the dreaded vibrator.

It wasn't as if he ever got used, though, since Dirk had a fair stream of girls (and some guys). The students on the shelf made sure to turn off whenever those visits happened. Any visitor was definitely not anyone on the shelf – they may look alike, but they were, personality-wise, completely different people – but anyone foolish enough to remain turned on during the visit usually demanded a memory replacement. The computers wanted new hard drives. The cameras wanted their memory cards changed.

"Another visitor," drawled Ashton West on Friday night (according to Merka, who trolled everyone by playing the Friday music video loud enough to agitate the cobra next door). "Turn off the telly, you idiots."

"We were halfway through the second season of Hetalia!" whined Yuki-rin, who had appeared as the surround sound system.

"Shut up, Yuki," Hotaru the Perpetually Sleepy DS whined. "Unlike the rest of us, he can hear you."

Yuki turned herself off, skulking.

"Who's coming, anyways?" Anita asked, focusing in on Dirk's guest. "Oh, hey, Lucas!"

"He can't hear you," Kitty growled. Anita paused, pouting, before taking a picture of the Angel. He jumped, startled by the flash.

"What was that?" the Angel demanded, looking about him wildly.

"Right here!" Anita called. Lucas peered at the camera, obviously not hearing her but finding the camera intriguing anyways.

"If there's anyone in here, I'd like for them to know that whatever I do from here on, I'm only doing for the greater good. I am not willing to commit these depraved acts, but I must suffer for the greater good." The Angel promptly turned his back to the shelf of gadgets and started unzipping his jacket, taking great care to not ruffle his wings as he disrobed.

"What is he doing?" Susanna Black-White demanded from her usual perch. She had described the charger as a nasty, blocky needle that jabbed into her side (several students seemed relieved that they weren't going to be violated with chargers and headphone jacks) and tried to pump her full of electrical current. Kitty dreaded her charging.

"He's getting undressed, silly," Taylor replied. "See, he's taking off his shirt – wowza."

"Your boyfriend's on the shelf right next to you," remarked Andy the remote; he was hanging out on their shelf.

"But he's an iPod Touch right now, but ironically I can't touch him," Taylor joked. "Besides, Lucas probably has the best ass in Heaven –"

"Great, now I have bad mental images of Angels comparing their asses," Franklin groaned. "Damn you, Morbidly Curious search engine."

"Google Lord is fabulous, isn't it?" laughed Kriss. "I can't wait for Google to launch their computer."

"Wonder who gets dragged in as that, then," Karin mused. "I admit it; I am oddly turned on by that naked Angel over there. I'm definitely going to Hell for this."

"We're all going to Hell for watching this," snickered Loki the Nerf gun. "So join the party, won't you?"

"Oh, move already, Dirk," complained Lucia Verdas the Popcorn Machine (Dirk had everything in his room by now, it seemed), popping popcorn frantically. "Come on, come on – aw yeah."

"Lucia!" Eva Danielson the Frappucino Machine chided. "You pervert!"

"Admit it, it's hot," Lucia cackled.

"I am turned on by this," declared Kitty.

"We all are, pun partially intended," Celeste snapped, already recording everything.

"If you can, send that stuff to me!" Merka called from her perch.

"And me!" added Karin.

"And us!" chorused the iPods.

"Don't forget the Zunes," Andrew Khok piped up.

"Andrew! Have you no shame?" Susanna Black-White tsked.

"Admit it, Susie, it's funny," Andrew cackled. "Watching Lucas –"

"TURN YOURSELF OFF! EWWWW!" Susanna bawled before promptly shutting off.

"Scarred for life – again," Kitty snickered as Anita took pictures.

When Kitty woke up again, she had the distinct feeling that she was back in human form. Ooh, look, fingers. Thumb. Feet. Toes.

"Back to normal!" she laughed, before she noticed everyone else, sleeping soundly in piles upon each other. "Come on, everyone, wake up! We're back to normal!"

"What was Jennifer doing that other day, taking photographs?" Merka asked, yawning widely as she clambered off Kriss. "I didn't even have my pretty desktop showing."

"Something probably broke the spell," replied Tori, as she helped Carolina stand up.

"Let's get out of here," Taylor declared, nudging open the door. When they stepped out, they saw a horrid sight.

A mob of people who looked exactly like them were standing in the next corridor, with that hated Dirk striding amongst them.

"Oh my god, what is he doing?" Carolina demanded, hiding behind Dorothy.

"Organising a mob. We've got to stop them," Dorothy replied, her expression serene.

"Come on, then! Kill the Stu!" screamed Taylor, and he was nearly pushed aside as the real students crashed their way out of the plothole to freedom.