TITLE: A Qui Walks into a Bar

AUTHOR: Obi the Kid

RATING: G

CHARACTERS: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan

SUMMARY: A Yappy Obi story. Qui-Gon tries to escape the world of his yappy apprentice.

DEDICATION: For all those Yappy Obi (YO) fans out there who are always demanding more of for having fun with the character.

DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. I make no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.

(Qui-Gon Jinn walked into a bar. He grabbed the barstool nearest the wall and sat patiently. The scruffy, gray-haired, six-eyed, four-armed bartender named Tebs, thunked a small glass in front of him.)

Tebs: What'll ya have, Mack?

Qui: Name's not Mack.

Tebs: What'll ya have?

Qui: Would you have anything to relieve stress?

Tebs: Ah, lady friend troubles?

Qui: Jedi.

Tebs: Ah, Jedi troubles? Those one's can be a bit high and mighty sometimes.

Qui: No, I AM a Jedi. Notice the brown?

Tebs: So ya are! Well then, no lady friend troubles. Force troubles?

Qui: No.

Tebs: High and mighty troubles?

Qui: Do I look high and mighty today?

Tebs: Can't says ya do, Mack.

Qui: My name is Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon Jinn.

Tebs: Too formal. So, no lady troubles, no Force troubles, no high and mighty troubles. What then might ya be having troubles with my friend?

Qui: Mush.

Tebs: Mush? That nasty stuff?

Qui: The one and only.

Tebs: Can't say it's ever been my thing.

Qui: You and me both.

Tebs: Leaves a foul taste in my mouth. Gives my belly a bit of rumblin' too.

Qui: It doesn't make me sick as much as it just annoys me.

Tebs: Ah, the smell?

Qui: The…what?

Tebs: The smell. Ya know how bad some of that stuff can be smellin' when ya cook it up.

Qui: I think we're talking about two different things.

Tebs: Mush, right?

Qui: Yes, but not the edible kind.

Tebs: There's a kind ya can't eat?

Qui: I'm talking about hugs. Too many hugs. All day, every day. The demands. The constant demands. I can't take it anymore.

Tebs: Can't says I know what ya going on about, Mack.

Qui: My apprentice.

Tebs: You have a kid that eats mush and it annoys you?

Qui: No. I have a kid that hugs and it annoys me.

Tebs: Huggin' strange folk then, huh?

Qui: I wish.

Tebs: Not huggin' strange folk?

Qui: They won't let him.

Tebs: Well then, what ya worryin' about? Kid sounds okay if he ain't huggin' strange folk.

Qui: I wouldn't mind if he did.

Tebs: Ya wan't ya kid ta hug strange folk? A little on the weird side ain't ya Mack?

Qui: I just want him to hug anyone other than me. Because when he hugs, he talks and when he talks, he doesn't stop. He's got the most excessive talent for babbling on about nothing that I've ever heard. And trust me I've met plenty of planetary leaders in my time. They expel a lot of hot air, but nothing like my apprentice can churn out. He yaps and hugs and yaps and hugs and yaps and hugs and yaps and hug and yaps and hugs and…

Tebs: I get it, Mack! Ease off now. So, what's ya kid's name?

Qui: Obi-Wan. You know him?

Tebs: Don't be knowin' anyone by that name. How long ya had him?

Qui: A year. It's too late to trade him in. Besides that damn little troll wouldn't let me do it anyway.

Tebs: So he talks and hugs and eats mush?

Qui: No, he doesn't eat mush, he hates the stuff.

Tebs: Then why all the hatin' for mush?

Qui: Not mush, mush. Hugs mush. Remember?

Tebs: Nah, not really. Ya not likin' his hugs then?

Qui: No.

Tebs: Not even a little?

Qui: There is no such thing as a little hug with Obi-Wan. Portion control is not his specialty. When he hugs, he leaches and won't let go. I can't handle it anymore. He's too much for me.

Tebs: Ah, ya got a eighteen year old on ya hands then, thinkin' he's ready ta be an adult and rule the world?

Qui: Thirteen.

Tebs: Thirteen? And he's too much for ya? Come on, Mack. What's that about? He's just a kid.

Qui: I used to say the same thing. But he's not just a kid. He's like an overpowering force of nature. Even the Force can't offer an answer for him, and trust me I've spent many a month meditating on it.

Tebs: Well, that's too bad then. Here ya go. Take a swig of this, on me. Got nothing in it that'll kill ya, but it's good for troubles.

(Qui-Gon put his hand around the small glass and caressed it for a while. Eventually he pulled his hood over his head and sat slumped, staring into the amber liquid that he just couldn't bring himself to drink. The bar's entrance door buzzed open. A small hooded figure approached the bar, hopped up onto a stool and slapped his hand down on the wooden bar-top.)

Kid: Gimme the regular, Tebs. Extra dose of the good stuff.

Tebs: Ya got it, kid. Good ta see ya again. Ya been away?

Kid: Training.

Tebs: Too bad.

Kid: It is. Quiet in here tonight.

Tebs: Just that one over in the corner there. Going on and on about his kid.

Kid: We've all got problems these days, Tebs.

Tebs: Not like this one. He's a wreck. Can't see why though. All his kid wants is a hug. Seems ta drive Mack over there crazy though. Crazy crazy crazy.

Kid: A hug? That's it?

Tebs: That's how I see it. Ta hear him tell it, it's a nightmare. The kid talks and hugs non-stop, driving Mack there over the edge. Don't get his type here very often.

Kid: Poor guy.

Tebs: Ya know it. Hey, ya should go talk ta him. Maybe he can see that not all kids are as nutty as his, huh?

Kid: Good idea!

(The small hooded figure bounced off his barstool and padded over to the corner. He jumped onto the stool closest to the big man, still slumped over his tiny drink.)

Kid: Hi. Tebs here says you've got kid troubles. I'm a kid. I'm not any trouble.

(Hearing a familiar sound in his ear, Qui-Gon slowly lifted his head and glanced sideways. He caught the profile of the stranger…the boy…beside him. A profile he knew all too well. With one firm tug, he pulled the brown hood off the boy's head.)

Qui: Obi-Wan!

Kid (Obi): Master? Is that…what are you…wha...?

Qui: Explain this. In ten words or less.

Obi: I needed a drink?

Qui: You don't drink.

Obi: I needed a drink for you?

Qui: In ten honest words or less.

Obi: Ah, um, hmm…nope, can't do it.

Tebs: I see ya's knowin' each other then.

Obi: Tebs, this is my master.

Tebs: No way! Mack here belongs ta you? I woulda never thunk it.

Qui: I belong to no one. Well, I belong to me. I don't belong to him. He belongs to me.

Obi: I'm not property, Master. Just a kid.

Qui: No, no and no. You are much much more than that.

Tebs: So, Mack, this is ya kid then? The huggin' one that talks a lot and hates mush?

Obi: You told him that I hate MUSH? Master! I can't let that get around. What will my fellow mushers think?

Qui: Not that type of mush. The other kind. Yoda's mush.

Obi: Ooooooooooh, that mush. Yeah, Tebs, I hate that stuff. Tastes like swamp water. One time Master Yoda made me eat an entire bowl and it had worms in it, and he made me eat the worms, so when I did, I gagged on them and spit them up and they went fllllllllllying across the room and landed in Medusa's hair. You know that weirded-out snake-hair lady on the Jedi Council? But it was okay, her snakes ate the worms, so it worked out for everyone. She did get mad though and her snakes started hissing at the Schnauzer guy next to her, and he started taking it out on Master Conehead next to him. Then Mace started on about waxing his head and how Mr. Clean ain't got nothin' on him and then…

(As Obi-Wan rambled on, Tebs stepped closer to Qui-Gon.)

Tebs: I see what ya mean, Mack. He hasn't taken a breath yet. And you deal with this all day?

Qui: Every day.

Tebs: Well, could be worse.

Qui: How?

Tebs: He could hate and disown ya, like my son did me.

Qui: He's not my son.

Tebs: Ya, sure.

Qui: Your son disowned you? Why?

Tebs: Ya know how teenagers can be. Trouble is, that was twenty years ago. Only seen him three times since. Not worth the battle, Mack. Take ya kid for what he is and appreciate it.

Qui: Really?

Tebs: Really.

Qui: What if I go insane and it kills me?

Tebs: Then at least there will be someone at your funeral who loves ya.

Qui: Morbid, but understood. All right. Obi-Wan, let's go home. I'll give you a hug and you can tell me all about how you came to hang out at bars like this one.

Obi: Master, don't do that. Get me all happy like you'll really hug me and then strike my feelings down just like that blond-headed Sith boy strikes me down in our girlie fight.

Qui: And then you can tell me how and why you have become so obsessed with this idea of a girlie fight. No apprentice of mine will fight like a girl. I'll see to it.

Obi: Even if it means you have to hug me?

Qui: Well, hugging to the extreme that you do is probably how this whole girlie thing began. And that might be the reason you claim to die in a girlie fight later in life, but yes, even if it means I have to hug you. Come on. Tebs, thanks for everything.

Obi: Bye Tebs! I'll be by to visit again soon.

Qui: No you won't. No more bars. You're thirteen. You have to be twenty to come into this place.

Obi: Why? I didn't drink anything. Just chocolate baja juice.

Qui: That's enough to set you off. Home, Obi-Wan. Now.

Tebs: See ya, Mack. Kid. Let me know next time ya need help fixin' ya troubles. That's what bartenders are for after all. Ya both got problems, ya know. A little on the insane side. But that's all right. It keeps me in business!

The end.