Forbidden by Eve-the-Charlotte
Summary: As such, these one hundred things are forbidden to the one such person named Alex Masters. . .
Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution.
Pairings: Ray/Alex, implied Kurt/Kitty/Todd, implied Logan/Jean, pre-Hank/Bobby, Sam/Pietro, St. John/Wanda, implied Evan/Duncan, past one-sided Piotr/Remy, implied Piotr/Jean-Paul, and Jamie/Rahne.
I like writing about Alex; it makes me smile.
*GredForge*
I, Alexander Masters, alias Havok, (have been forced to) agree with the following one hundred ideas presented in this list. The stuff listed below are things that I am not allowed to do, under my sworn oath and fear of consequences that will probably follow.
1.) I will not follow Tabby's example and refer to Mr. Logan as "Badger." He does not like the nickname and will not have any urges to help me in any way, shape, or form for the next five years if I continue to call him by the aforementioned nickname.
2.) Ray is not my bitch, despite the fact that it is totally true.
3.) I am not a pimp or a sugar daddy, so I therefore have no bitches.
4.) Kurt may be German, but he is not a Nazi, so I will quit making "run before it is too late gestures" to any Jewish students.
5.) And, yes, the above does include Kitty.
6.) Do not say "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" whenever Mr. McCoy asks Bobby to stay after class to speak in private.
7.) Do not say "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" when any faculty members ask students to stay after class.
8.) Especially if the teacher is Mr. Logan and the student is Jean Grey.
9.) I will not refer to Ms. Munroe as the "Lovely Miss Oreo." She will murder me.
10.) I will not refer to Kurt, Kitty, and Todd as the "Winsome Threesome." Ever.
11.) Nor will I will them the "magnifique ménage à trois."
12.) I will stop calling X-23 (Laura) the "new girl." It was okay about four months ago, but now it is apparently just getting old.
13.) I will not call Pietro and Wanda the "Gypsy Twins of Greymalkin Street."
14.) Even though they are Roma and twins.
15.) I will not kiss Ray in the living room.
16.) Or at school.
17.) Or in our room with the door open.
18.) Or anywhere else Mr. Logan or a telepath or a certain Speedy Gonzales can hear it.
19.) Especially where Speedy Gonzales can hear it.
20.) I will not tell Jamie to use condiments to make safe sandwiches. Someone will tell him what I mean by that.
21.) Or Scott will hear about it.
22.) I will not give Jamie any advice for picking up girls.
23.) Or having sex.
24.) Or just any advice in general.
25.) I will not give small children my "special" Hawaiian punch.
26.) Nor will I give them "magic" brownies.
27.)Even if they do make one feel "magical."
28.) I will not play "We Will Rock You" every time Lance comes to the Mansion.
29.) Even if I am pretty sure Scott will not mind and will find it amusing.
30.) I will not hide Mr. Allerdyce's lighters.
31.) I will not pass his class.
32.) And I will also get seriously injured by his fiancée.
33.) And, yes, Mr. Allerdyce is engaged to Wanda. I must accept this fact.
34.) Even though it is crushing my hot lesbian-on-lesbian action dreams.
35.) I will not tell Mr. Allerdyce about said hot lesbian-on-lesbian action dreams.
36.) He will set me on fire without an iota of remorse.
37.) For he does not roll like that.
38.) I will not playing the guessing game with Rogue's real name.
39.) Even if "Roxxanne Quintessence Hearth" is a name most epic that Rogue should be honored to have been guessed as a potential name.
40.) I will not guess Wolverine's age.
41.) He is older than you'd think.
42.) Oh my God, the mental images!
43.) When I see Rahne and Jamie together, I will not lecture them on safe sex.
44.) Especially not with slogans like, "Remember, dude, don't be a fool, wrap your tool!"
45.) I will be murdered by Wolverine.
46.) I will not videotape people having sex for it is a quote, "severe invasion of their privacy," unquote.
47.) Especially do not videotape Sam and Speedy Gonzales.
48.) For one thing, the world (and especially me) does not need to know about Quicksilver vibrating during sex.
49.) Secondly, Sam really doesn't like people seeing "his" boy naked and vulnerable like that.
50.) Seriously, Sammy the Hick really needs to work out some possession issues.
51.) Also, do not amend the situation by offering to allow Ray and I have our sexing sessions videotaped.
52.) Even if Ray does not mind.
53.) I will receive a really awkward lecture from my big bro, Scott, about "exhibitionist tendencies."
54.) And Sam will still hurt me.
55.) I will not jokingly offer up the suggestion of a collar and leash for Evan's birthday present (for his human boyfriend).
56.) The others do not find it that amusing.
57.) And Evan might take the suggestion seriously.
58.) I will not put blue dye into Bobby's shampoo.
59.) Nor will I tell the younger students that Bobby's hair turned blue because he's making babies with Mr. McCoy.
60.) Because the first person those little brats will run to is either Bobby or Mr. McCoy, asking if that's true.
61.) Bobby will make me pay on April Fool's Day, or possibly sooner.
62.) Mr. McCoy will assist Wolverine in trying to maim/murder me.
63.) I will not photocopy Jean Grey's diary.
64.) Nor will I post copies all over the Institute.
65.) Even if the Brotherhood pays me to do so.
66.) No amount of money is worth the pain and humiliation once Jean figures out I'm the culprit.
67.) I will not spread rumors that Fred Dukes is the illegitimate child of Andre the Giant.
68.) Even if Fred approves.
69.) I will not slap Ray's ass in public.
70.) Even if the results later are so worth it.
71.) Because Roberto is a big fat homophobe who will bitch to Scott about it.
72.) I will not make the sign of the cross and spit twice whenever I pass by Amanda Sefton.
73.) Wanda and Pietro both know what it means and will tell somebody.
74.) And Kurt will be pissed at me.
75.) And having Kurt pissed at oneself is not a good thing. At all. Especially when Wolverine puts him in charge of the Danger Room for the day.
76.) I will not make-out with Ray in Miss Munroe's greenhouse.
77.) Because someone can't control his powers enough to not accidentally set plants on fire.
78.) And hell hath no fury like Miss Munroe when you mess with her garden.
79.) I will not ask Mystique if she's really Kurt's mother or possibly his father.
80.) Because I am just asking for it.
81.) I will not purposefully freak out Duncan Matthews whenever he visits the Institute with Evan.
82.) Because having a spike embedded in one's ass hurts.
83.) Especially if only Ray shows one the slightest bit of sympathy.
84.) And he may only be doing that because he's one's beau.
85.) I will not spout various bird facts to Warren like, "Did you know that an owl can see as well at night as during the daytime" and "Did you know that a swan's wing can snap a man's arm?"
86.) Because the man is part swan, I swear. Ouch.
87.) I will not fake Mr. Rasputin's handwriting and write fake love letters to Mr. LeBeau.
88.) Because, apparently, Mr. Rasputin once liked Mr. LeBeau in that manner. Awkward.
89.) Also, Mr. Beaubier will kill me should Wolverine fail in the previous numbers.
90.) I will not shout "FINALLY" when Mr. McCoy and Bobby finally get together.
91.) Even though it sums up that situation quite nicely, and I don't think the two will care at that particular moment.
92.) I will not wake up Scott at two in the morning and give him a positive pregnancy test, telling him I'm pregnant.
93.) The dude's brain does not function that early in the morning without an IV drip of espresso, so he will believe me and freak out.
94.) The Professor frowns upon the entire sitch, especially since Scott's mental freak out wakes him up at two in the morning.
95.) I will not give Sabretooth catnip.
96.) It affects him the same way it would regular cats.
97.) Wolverine finds it amusing, but he will go Mister Stabby-Stabby on me nonetheless.
98.) The Professor frowns upon me purchasing alcohol to appease Wolverine.
99.) Even though it works great.
100.) And, last but not least, I will not do anything else fun that may cause discomfort, pain, embarrassment, or awkwardness towards others, since none of you dudes have a sense of humor these days.
I would like to conclude this letter by saying that I've only done most of this stuff once. I learned my lesson the first time around. Sheesh! Wait a second, there goes Jubilee. And you guys never mentioned I couldn't do anything to her. . .
Toodles,
Alexander Masters
*GredForge*
And there we have it, folks! Also, important announcement following my other stuff you guys may or may not be reading and may or may not care about: I cannot access my regular computer, so I cannot download my next two X-Men: Evolution Witchblood series fics, the final chapter of Time, and the third chapter of Next. Hopefully, I can get those documents soon so I can update. Until then, I hoped you enjoyed this fun story. In the words of Alexander Masters, toodles!
Also, read and review!