Title: False Alarm

Summary: For some reason, the fates are working to ensure that whenever Kurt and Jesse are trying to have fun, a person walks in. Wherein Kurt is repeatedly cockblocked. St. Hummel

A/N: Because I can. Because I like the idea of Kurt and Jesse making out in the choir room and Finn having no idea of their relationship. Then walking in. Then everything spiraled out of control and I had a tiny oneshot with no real point.

Kurt groaned, feeling his pants tighten as Jesse's hands tightened on his waist. Curse his skinny jeans. And thank Elton for Mr. Schue's decision for Jesse to give private dance lessons to the members of New Directions.

Jesse released his waist and grabbed both of Kurt's thighs, cutting off all rational thought. Kurt moaned into Jesse's mouth, fisting a hand in the star's chocolate tresses. Jesse lifted him onto the piano, giving Kurt opportunity to wrap a leg around his waist.

Kurt would have spared a thought for poor Brad, who treasured this piano, but he was very absorbed in making sure that not one part of Jesse's mouth was unexplored. Jesse gasped as Kurt's free hand found it's way into his jacket and then under his shirt.

Kurt laughed in his throat and rubbed the warm patch of skin he'd found, noting that Jesse had pressed even closer to him. Kurt could feel his erection easily, through both their jeans. Nice to know that his current boyfriend did find him sexy.

They were both oblivious to the possibility of someone coming in.

Finn needed dance lessons, like now. If he was ever going to impress Rachel, so she'd ignore St. Sucks over him, he had to be able to dance.

So it was totally awesome that Mr. Schue said Kurt and Jesse were working on some moves in the choir room, Jesse was an asshole and Finn had been dying to pick a fight with him without anyone interfering. Plus, Kurt could teach him how to dance afterwards!

It was win-win. Finn happily trotted down the halls, opening the door to the choir room without ever considering knocking.

His train of thought stuttered to a halt.

Kurt. Kurt on the piano, one leg wrapped around the waist of some dude. Two bags tossed in a corner, both the over the shoulder bags only two guys in the school used. Kurt's hand tangled in brown hair, which was way better cared for than that of any glee guy.

"What the fuck?" Kurt twisted around faster than anyone had a right to move, whipping his leg off Jesse's waist and pushing the suspiciously rumpled older boy off him.

"Finn! What are you doing here?" Finn opened and closed his mouth, giving Jesse time to pull his jacket down. It would do no good to let the buffoon realize just how turned on Jesse was by Kurt.

"You…dude!" Jesse shifted his stance and flung an arm around Kurt's shoulders. Kurt had slid off the piano, now thanking anyone who might be listening in for skinny jeans. "Dude, what? When?"

"Awhile ago. I'm rather shocked that no one has caught on at this point." Jesse said offhandedly, tugging Kurt into his side protectively. He braced himself, ready to hear Finn's blundering rage.

"Does this mean you aren't dating Rachel?" Kurt took advantage of Finn's easily distracted mind.

"No, he's not. Jesse is solely the property of moi, Finn. You can go woo Rachel." Jesse caught on to Kurt's scheme and began reinforcing it.

"And one of the greatest reasons I never cared for" Kurt elbowed him. "Pursued Rachel to the fullest extent was her obvious affections for you."

"Really?" Kurt glided out from under Jesse and grabbed both of their bags, letting his boyfriend occupy Finn.

"Absolutely. You should serenade her with something by Fiyero, or maybe South Pacific. Use choreography from the original play or simply use deep meaningful eye contact, to impress Rachel with the depth of your feelings." Jesse's turn went acerbic. "That is, assuming you do in fact have feelings deeper than a combination of petty jealousy, lust and confusion towards the poor girl."

Kurt jerked his head at the door. As much as Finn needed the smack down, and though it would undoubtedly be up to the true divas, they were both dead when Finn's brain caught up with him. They needed to make an escape now.

"But that shouldn't be a problem for someone who has your level of charisma and immense talent, so I suggest you do research and serenade Rachel in private this week before she starts propositioning Puck or Sam." Jesse, sticking to the walls and keeping himself in a submissive posture, edged around Finn. "Bye."

He bolted into the hallway after Kurt, catching the brunette's hand and quickening the pace. "How long until Frankenteen catches up with us?"

"Never, if we get to my car before it occurs to him that we were making out on the piano." Jesse reached the door half a step ahead of Kurt and held it open for him. "Thank you."

"Now, on the subject of that make out, it occurs to me that no one is likely to interrupt us if proceed to your room." Kurt laughed wickedly.

"Agreed."

This, Kurt thought mulishly, was just someone playing a terrible joke on him and Jesse. Someone with a sadistic sense of humor.

"So, um, who are you?" Burt asked, shifting his weight from foot to foot. Kurt was still flushed, wishing he had a clue as to where Jesse had tossed his shirt. Jesse maneuvered himself from his position of being on top of Kurt and got off the bed.

Kurt found himself being torn between gratitude that he hadn't managed to do any more than unbuckle Jesse's belt, and irritation that while Jesse's shirt was off he couldn't snap any pictures to show to Mercedes, who still didn't believe him when he told her how ridiculously hot Jesse was. And that coupled with intense frustration that people kept awkwardly turning up when he was trying to hook up with his boyfriend.

Jesse, luckily, was not quite such an emotional mess. He shook Burt's hand, managing to smile charmingly despite being shirtless. "Mr. Hummel I presume. I'm Jesse St. James, Kurt's boyfriend."

"Oh. Really." Protective instincts were beginning to stir within Burt. Clearly, this boy was older than his son. "And how long have you known him?"

"We met last year, but we started dating about a month ago." Burt critically looked at Kurt, who was still bright red all the way down to his just visible underwear. "If it helps, I would sooner turn down a starring broadway role than hurt Kurt."

Jesse felt that reassuring Burt about possessing condoms would not help the situation. Though he did of course have some in his jacket pocket. Despite not being anywhere near honest enough to be a boy scout, Jesse followed their supreme command: Be prepared.

"That means a lot dad." Kurt added, getting up to stand at Jesse's shoulder. "It's tantamount to being castrated."

"Worse." Jesse muttered under his breath. Burt shook his head, trying to ignore the marks on Jesse's neck that were clearly made by his son. He had to decide to close early today. He had to go into Kurt's room without thinking about it to ask where the spare flashlight was. Kurt had to pick today of all days to be in there, making out hot and heavy with Mr. Shirtless-mussed-up-hair-was-panting-his-son's-name-a-second-ago-St. James.

A horrible thought occurred to Burt. What if this had been going on every afternoon he wasn't there?

No, no, Finn would have been there. Finn would have been far too weirded out by the thought of his little brother having sex daily with this dude to not tell Carol. That was reassuring.

And that brought some semblance of rationale back into Burt's brain. The most important thing was that this Jesse kid had been on his sons bed, and was still shirtless. As was his son.

"Get your shirts back on. Kid, you, upstairs, as soon as you find your shirt." Burt glared at the pair of them menacingly, focusing on the Jesse kid.

As Burt stomped up the stairs, Jesse sighed. "Kurt, next time we need to go to my house. No one to interrupt."

This was getting ridiculous.

"Oh, um, Jesse, I can see you're busy, and this can wait so, um…" The dark haired girl had turned bright, bright, red. Kurt could see the family resemblance, she had the same dark brown hair and warm brown eyes as Jesse.

Of course, her eyes were wide and embarrassed whereas Jesse's had been smouldering. Had been. Now he was just giving the girl the evil eye.

"Kurt, this is Annabelle. My very, very, annoying, sister. What do you want Anna?" She gestured vaguely. The girl was very thin, dressed in loosely fitting yoga pants and a t shirt advertising avenue q. That would have made Kurt like her, if she hadn't burst into the room while Kurt was in middle of finally getting some action.

"Matthew called, and I thought you would want to know, but it really isn't that important, so goodbye. Er, nice meeting you Kurt." Jesse sighed, running a hand through his hair. Kurt crossed his arms as Annabelle left, shutting the door behind her.

Jesse's room was great for sex. Jesse had silk sheets, an enormous bed, and no distracting posters around to peer down at them. It was dimly lit, but not to the extent of Kurt being unable to see Jesse's lithe body.

Kurt had even got to unzipping Jesse's jeans before Anna burst in, obviously unheeding of common courtesy.

"Sorry, Kurt. We don't really hear from Matt very often, and…" Jesse groaned and flopped down on the bed. Kurt turned his head, cheek brushing the pillow so he could properly gaze at his boyfriend. "I told her scram for today, but obviously Anna doesn't do as I tell her…"

Kurt wiggled closer and levered himself so he was leaning over Jesse. He aimed a sultry smile at the other boy, and was rewarded with Jesse's eyes changing from vaguely annoyed to simmering.

"Only a brief interruption, Jesse. If something so tiny keeps you from being able to get in the mood, your pants are lying to me." Jesse chuckled, bringing up a hand to caress Kurt's hip.

"I do believe you've revived me." With one hand, he started popping the buttons of Kurt's pants. "Where were we?"

Kurt wiggled his hips, helping Jesse work the cheerios uniform off. The locker room was deserted save for the two of them, Kurt had checked. He'd triple checked. Jesse growled when the pants snagged, jerking them down aggressively.

Kurt hissed as the cold air hit his legs, quickly followed by Jesse's fingers massaging them. It was amazing how desperate Jesse was to get him out of his uniform, after stating several times that Kurt in that uniform was the most wonderful thing he'd ever had the privilege of witnessing.

"Porcelain, Porcelain's boy toy, I feel obligated to point out that S and B are watching." Kurt buried his face in his hands as Jesse groaned. "Additionally, boy toy, you have yet to swear fealty to me in my office. As soon as you're no longer in danger of bursting your zipper, be there."

There were disappointed grumbles from beneath the benches. Kurt fixed Santana and Brittany with the evil eye as Jesse followed Sue from the office, an expression of pure frustration on his face.

"Your fault Kurtsikins. The universe just won't let that much sexiness be in one place." Santana said with a shrug.

A/N: And that is the only reason St. Hummel is not currently happening on glee.

I cannot believe I actually wrote this. Please, please, review. I really want to know what people think. Be assured, even if fanfictionnet is being screwy and won't let me respond, I really appreciate your thoughts!