Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek in any way shape or form and make nothing from this.

A/N: Beta'd by drivven. Written in response to a Challenge over at the jim_and_bones community.

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This is not how I imagined my first time with Bones. Now don't get me wrong; I had wanted to get into Bones' pants for a long time now. Now, when I say a long time... I mean it. It wasn't love, or lust, at first sight... but it was close enough to count.

Out of the thousands, yes thousands, of times I asked him for sex; it was always NO. Well... not all the times. His excuses were always wide and varied: 'just divorced' (can you think of a better way to celebrate that than sex?), 'had to study' (why not study and have sex at the same time? Works for me!), 'too wired' (no better way to relax than to have an orgasm), 'too tired' (OK, I'll give him that one), 'you just don't fuck your best friend' (well, why the hell not?), 'you can't fuck your CO' (again... why not?)

I had finally given up on the whole 'Get Bones Into Bed' scheme and moved on to 'Make Bones See How Right We Are Together.' Well, it wasn't going smoothly, oh who the hell am I kidding... it was going as well as my original plan.

Still I was a GOOD boy damn it! It had been over a year since I'd had sex with anyone, or anything, except Rosie Palmer and her five sisters. I didn't even use a dildo! I had plenty of offers, some right in front of that Southern Asshole, and I turned EVERY one of them down! Now for folks who don't know me... that's like a lifetime of celibacy... and that just isn't Jim Kirk.

Anyhow, we wound up exploring bum fuck nowhere... and there is where things started to go... weird. One Minute Bones was grumbling about ieverything/i and the next he was all over me.

Yeah clueless me didn't think that the innocent looking rose spraying glitter on the unsuspecting Doctor meant anything. Well, that was until he started groping and stripping me right there, in the middle of the field. (That was just... just.. so out of character for him!) I had enough sense to beam us back on board the Enterprise and get us into his room before the real attack started.

But I digress, lying in a cooling patch of my own cum while LEONARD, he's definitely NOT Bones right now, fucks me for the sixth time IN A ROW; is NOT what I thought our first time would be. My only hope now is that he's running out of energy... then I can throw a sheet over myself and belly crawl to med-bay where my ass says it needs to be (yes my ass is that sore!).

Fucking planet, whatever the hell it's name is (yeah like you could remember a name while being fucked, literally to death) and their sex pollen plants stole my loving first time with Bones! I can only hope the Sex pollen wears off by tomorrow... but with my luck... it won't.

Fuck My Life.

~Fin~