Project H: Eclipse

By Project H

Part 5

*Tent*

Bella: *Shivering*

Edward: Oh no! What is this human disease? Are you hungry, Bella? Thirsty? Gassy? Are you gassy, Bella?

Jacob: She's cold

Edward: But I gave her that mitten. What else could I possibly do? Should we feed her grass?

Jacob: That's for sick cats

Edward: Pour white wine on her?

Jacob: That's for removing red wine stains

Edward: Maybe you should get naked and crawl in bed with her

Jacob: Not that's- YES PLEASE!

*Several awkward hours later*

Edward:...and that's how me hiding from the war by dressing as a woman led to the story of Anne Frank

Jacob: Fascinating *Stares at Bella*

Edward: Can you please keep your thoughts to yourself?

Jacob: I kind of am since they're inside my head. And what's with you picking my brain, but not letting me into yours?

Edward: You wouldn't like my brain. It's full of things you don't like, like vampires, Bella's true feelings, and dudes with their shirts on

Jacob: What would you do if Bella chose me?

Edward: I'd handle it well

Jacob: Oh please. She was going to pick me first for her kickball team until you threatened to kill yourself. If you'd just stayed away for another 6 months, I could have made her happy

Edward: Oh OK. So instead of attempting to kill myself, which I did, you'd have preferred I just hold on another six months and come back to steal Bella away just as you finally think you've won her over? I'll make a note of that for next time

Jacob: You have to consider that I might be better for her than you are

Edward: I have considered that. You can give her a life, a human life, but it would be a human life with Jacob Black, and that would be far worse than death. I'm not going to force her into anything ever again. That'll be a huge change in our relationship, but we'll work through it

Jacob: When you thought she was gone...that you'd lost her...how did that feel?

Edward: How did it feel to think I could never be with her? You tell me. Burn! But you know, in a world without Bella, I might actually like you

Jacob: In a world without Bella, I'd be trapped in the half-naked Mod Squad regardless and you'd still be a creepy high school loner suppressing the desire to murder all your classmates

Edward: Yeah...I miss my old life

-
*Next day*

Bella: Sorry about last night

Edward: It wasn't in my top 10 favourite evenings

Bella: You have a list?

Edward: The nights I spent with you. And also that one night I found the broken vending machine. I got so much Twix

Bella: And the night I said I'd marry you?

Edward: The what?

Bella: The night I said I'd marry you

Edward: Didn't catch that

Bella: The night I said I'd marry you!

Edward: Little louder

Bella: THE NIGHT I SAID I'D MARRY YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU MORE THAN JACOB!

Jacob: WHAT?

Edward: Oh dear, Jacob heard

Jacob: *Runs off*

Bella: Jake!

Jacob: I'm just gonna go out there and kill something

Bella: Wow...that is so hot

Jacob: Or maybe I'll get myself killed

Bella: Then I'd better tap that while I've got the chance. Kiss me

Jacob: Well OK *Kisses Bella*

*3 hours later*

Bella and Jacob: *Finish kissing*

Bella: OK, you can go die now

Jacob: Cheers *Leaves*

Edward: You love him

Bella: I love you more

Edward: Well that's good enough for me. Kiss as many guys as you want

-
*Battlefield*

Riley: Attack!

Dirk: I need to use the bathroom

Riley: Not now!

Newborns: Grr

Cullens: Grr

Wolves: Grr

Victoria: Wait, you guys have wolves? No fair. Captains choose new teams

Jasper: Sweet. We'll take Riley

Victoria: We'll take Bella. And we surrender the rest of our picks

Jasper: Deal. No wait-

Victoria: No trade backs! Hang on...Bella's not even here. Dammit *Runs off*

All present parties: *FIGHT*

Emmett: Emmett Cullen here providing commentary for today's big fight, and it really is a beautiful day to massacre the young. Joining me for special comments, Bree Tanner

Bree: I'm scared and I want to go home

Emmett: Thanks for that insight, Bree

-
*Tent*

Riley: *Saunters into view*

Edward: Riley, listen to me. Victoria is just using you to distract me, what with your sexy walk and bedroom eyes. She knows I'll kill you by ripping off your muscled arms and gorgeous head

Victoria: I warned you of their mind tricks, Riley. They're pulling one right now to make us think someone could be in love with that Bella thing

Edward: She only created you and this army to avenge her true mate, James. She doesn't care about you

Victoria: Oh come on Riley, how could raising a bloodthirsty army to avenge the death of my ex-boyfriend be anything other than true love?

Bella: Wow. Their relationship is even screwier than ours

Edward: No talking

Riley: *Attacks*

*Meanwhile*

Emmett: Well you'd give the edge to the Cullens due to the home field advantage, but the Newborns are an excellent travelling team having already notched up several away-from-home victories recently against Forks Steelworks and a local kindergarten. Bree?

Bree: I can still feel the burning!

Emmett: Thanks Bree

*Back at the tent*

Edward: *Losing*

Bella: Oh no, I need to help! *Grabs sharp rock to cut self* Actually, that's just dumb. Hey Victoria, you suck!

Victoria: *Turns around* What? No, you suck!

Edward: *Kills Victoria*

Victoria: *Is remarkably flammable*

Seth: *Eats Riley* Mmm, nothing tastes better after a long battle than a nice, cold Biers

-
*Battlefield*

Emmett: Well it looks like a victory for the Cullens and wolves. Just a quick injury summary before we go; Alice pulled a hamstring, badly broken ribs for Jacob, and the Newborns are all dead. Hard to imagine how they'll come back from that one. Any closing words, Bree?

Bree: THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!

Emmett: Ahaha, oh Bree, you're one of a kind

Volturi: *Arrive*

Alec: It appears we missed an entertaining fight

Jane: It's not often we're rendered unnecessary

Edward: We were getting sick of foreigners taking jobs away from good, hard-working American vampires. I hate when murder gets outsourced

Jane: You missed one

Carlisle: We offered Bree asylum in exchange for her surrender. We'll make her a part of this family and find her a brother she can marry. She'll fit in great

Jane: That sounds lovely. Felix, kill her

Bree: *Dead*

Jane: The Volturi don't give second chances

Dirk: Not even to me?

Jane: Especially not to you, Dirk. Especially not to you

Dirk: *Dead*

Jane: And Caius will be interested to know that she's still human

Bella: The date has been set. We'll get married, and then Edward will tear into my neck and drain me of my last breath

Jane: I'll try to remember to send a gift. I guess we'll leave then

Demetri: Uh, Jane, aren't you forgetting something?

Jane: Oh yes, where are my manners? *Tortures everyone*

Everyone: AARGH!

-
*Black House*

Bella: Bad news Jake, Carlisle says we'll have to put you down

Jacob: Oh ha ha

Bella: Don't worry, I'm just ribbing you. How are you feeling?

Jacob: On top of the world. Was Edward mad?

Bella: Because I kissed someone else? Why would he be? Our entire relationship is built on deception

Jacob: He's better than I thought

Bella: He's not playing a game. I mean, seriously, a game where the prize for winning is me? Everyone would forfeit before the game even began

Jacob: He's not as perfect as you think

Bella: If the man who abandoned me and left me at the mercy of a psychotic killer isn't perfect, than I don't know what to think

Jacob: Well at least I know I did everything I could

Bella: You could have tried demonstrating that you could be mature and responsible rather than play with my emotions and constantly take advantage of me

Jacob: Nah

Bella: Should I come back?

Jacob: I need some time. But I'll always be waiting

Bella: Well of course. You're hardly going to run off to pick up chicks when half your body is broken

Jacob: You know what I mean

Bella: Yeah. Until my heart stops beating

Jacob: Maybe even then. Because I think if this crazy vampire love-triangle has taught us anything, it's that dead people can be hot too

Bella: Amen

-
*Meadow*

Edward: I want to know why you're doing this. You're trying to make everyone else happy

Bella: Are you kidding? Everyone's been miserable since I got here. And I'm not thinking about them – I'm all about Isabella Swan right now

Edward: Explain

Bella: Don't you see? I never felt normal. Because I wasn't normal. I was a confused teenage girl with no direction in my life. There wouldn't have been anyone else like that in the world. So I did the only smart thing a girl in my position could do – I surrendered myself entirely to a strange boy. Someone who could control me and dictate my life, all because I thought he was cute. I've seen so much death and loss and pain in your world, and I couldn't be having more fun. Because I thought I was the only irritating, ignorant, personality-less person on this Earth, until I met you. And I knew right away we were perfect for each other. Your world is my world too, and I finally realise that my true place in this world is alongside lifeless cannibals who only come out when it's dark. And if I explain it like that to Charlie, I'm sure he'll understand

Edward: What's not to get?

-
*Biers House*

Half-eaten Riley: Mum, Dad, I'm back

Mr Biers: And what sort of time do you call this? A boy your age should not be staying out until late-June

Mrs Biers: But we're glad you're OK, so all is forgiven

Riley: Aww, I love you guys

Jasper: *Punches Riley* Welcome home!

THE END

Author's Note: A huge thanks to everyone who read, reviewed or favourited this story (and according to spell check 'favourited' is not a word, but I'm such a rebel I will use it anyway). Currently working on Deathly Hallows Part 1, though it seems a little pointless now as the second movie is already here. That one is still quite a while off though so for the time being, I hope Eclipse has been suitably amusing for you.

See you for Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1!