Project H: Eclipse
By Project H
Part 1
Riley narrating: I never gave much thought to how I would die, although being bitten on the wrist by an insane red-head probably wouldn't be at the top of the list
Victoria: *Does exactly that, and doesn't appreciate being called an insane red-head*
*Meadow*
Bella narrating: Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice it will end.
But while they contemplate the future of the universe,
I'm being groped by my sparkly boyfriend
Edward: Marry me
Bella: No. That's third base, and I'm not that kind of girl. Change me into a vampire first
Edward: That's fourth base. I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I like to marry a girl before draining her life and soul out through her neck
Bella: Marriage is just a piece of paper
Edward: And vampirism is just immortality with your face and body preserved in total beauty
Bella: Two out of three marriages end in divorce
Edward: Two out of three attempts to create a vampire result in horrific and painful death
Bella: Oh that's barely any at all
-
*Swan House*
Charlie: *Reading newspaper* Murder, disappearances, serial killers...Garfield sure has taken a dark turn lately
Bella: I'm home
Charlie: Right on time? What kind of teenager are you? I didn't raise you to be a nerd
Bella: Don't worry. When you see that my English exam consisted entirely of "Mrs Edward Cullen" written over and over again, you won't think I'm a nerd
Charlie: You know why you're being punished, don't you?
Bella: The public urination incident?
Charlie: No, we'll handle that separately. You were grounded for running away to Italy in order to save someone you love
Bella: I'm sorry...
Charlie: When as a teen you should have run away to Mexico, over-dosed on party drugs and come back pregnant. Nerd
Bella: I'll remember that the next time you let me stay out until 4pm
Charlie: Speaking of weird teens, I think you need to spend time with Jacob. Your awkward and socially inept boyfriend worries me, but I sure like the idea of you hanging out with a half-naked muscle-bound overly-aggressive immature man-child who belongs to a mysterious gang of similar teen males. Now there's a group of men a father could be proud of
-
Bella narrating: Jacob hadn't talked to me in weeks. I wanted to fix it, by telling him that I was in love with Edward, and he and I would never be more than friends, but for some reason he refused to listen
*Outside the Swan House*
Bella's truck: *Doesn't work*
Bella and Edward's relationship: *Doesn't either, but they don't seem to have noticed yet*
Bella: Did you do this to my truck?
Edward: Yes, your safety is everything to me. That's why I abandoned you last year when Victoria was after you. And there's nothing safer than meddling with the car someone's about to drive off in. I also poisoned your house's water supply, just as a precaution
Bella: Gee, I must be crazy to not want to marry you
-
*School Cafeteria*
Jessica:...but because I didn't know there were laws against it, they said they'd let me off with a warning provided I wipe it up. The end
Mike: That's the worst valedictorian speech I've ever heard. It didn't even have anything to do with graduation. Or life in general. And most of those things aren't physically possible
Jessica: Well maybe if you'd produced some work as good as my final essay "Romeo and Juliet: Why it teaches us to marry within our own family", you'd be giving the speech
Alice: Speaking of dating family, my stepbrother-slash-boyfriend and I are having a graduation party
Jasper: After all, you only graduate high school once
Edward: Ha! That's awesome because we're vampires and graduate lots
Jasper:...
Alice:...
Bella:...
Jessica:...
Mike:...I don't get it
-
*Police station*
Mr Biers: And we said "Riley, you have a strict curfew of 12 months. If you're not back by mid-April, then we'll ground you"
Mrs Biers: I know it sounds harsh, but you need to set boundaries. So when he didn't come back in time, we thought maybe he fell asleep on the bus or something
Mr Biers: Or was viciously murdered. Either way, we'll be having a serious talk to him when he gets home
Charlie: Well he certainly sounds like a much cooler kid than my dorky little brat of a– oh hi, Bella!
Edward: Oh Bella, my parents wanted to remind you that the airline ticket you got for your birthday will expire soon. You might want to go and see your Mum this weekend
Charlie: Great idea
Bella: Alright Edward, but only if you use the second ticket
Charlie: Terrible idea
Edward: Or if we only book one seat and you sit on my lap, we'll save money
Charlie: Worst idea
-
Bella narrating: I wanted to see Mum, to know that her life was full, satisfying, safe and uncomplicated, just like mine
*Wherever Mum lives*
Renee: So...still in school?
Bella: Yeah
Renee:...still dating that pale guy?
Bella: Yeah
Renee:...
Bella:...
Bella narrating: It sure was great to catch up
Renee: The way Edward watches you, it's like you're his own personal brand of heroin
Bella: I get that a lot
Renee:...
Bella:...
Renee:...so when do you go back?
Bella: Not soon enough
Renee: I got you a graduation gift *Hands over box*
Bella: Mum, I didn't want you to spend any money *Opens box*
Renee: I didn't. Charlie sent it over. It's genuine evidence from a murder crime scene
Bella: *Looks in box* OH MY GOD!
*Indoors*
Phil: All I'm saying is after a few drinks they'll be up for anything
Edward: And I keep saying I don't want a foursome!
-
*The woods*
Cullens: *In their patented fighting-V formation*
Carlisle: Are you sure this is where you saw her?
Alice: She's almost here. *Has vision* On your left!
Cullens: *Attack and kill*
Woman: *Dead*
Carlisle: Dammit Alice, that was a homeless woman again
Alice: Oh leave me alone. I have future vision, not 20/20 vision
Carlisle: Fine then. Emmett, throw that lady on the pile with the others
Jasper: Second option – we collect up the bodies and put on the best darn puppet show in town
Cullens: Second option!
-
*School*
Edward: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you?
Bella: No, but I wouldn't put it past you to weld the doors shut to trap me in here
Jacob: Morning Bella. I brought you a pancake breakfast and a warning to your boyfriend to stay off our land. And some orange juice to wash it all down
Bella: A warning?
Edward: Alice's vision – it's Victoria. I was trying to protect you
Bella: By lying to me?
Edward: No. Unless that was a lie too, and I was lying to you about Victoria
Bella: How come you didn't return my calls, Jacob?
Jacob: I had nothing to say
Edward: Lie! He had lots to say
Bella: *Gets on Jacob's bike*
Edward: Bella, no! I don't trust him. Or maybe that's a lie and I trust him with my life
Jacob: *Gets on bike* Don't worry Ed, this thing is perfectly safe to have purring between your legs. And the bike is pretty safe too
Edward: Fine then. Leave! I don't care
Jacob and Bella: *Ride away*
Edward:...that was a lie *Sobs*
TO BE CONTINUED...