Here's the final chapter! So sorry I haven't updated for ages, I forgot because I've been focusing on my Star Wars parodies. Anyway, I hope you like it!
Disclaimer: I still don't own Twilight. YAY! I don't own X-Men, or the song "Walk Like An Egyptian".
EDWARD: (from upstairs, accompanied by lightning flashes) It's alive! IT'S ALIVE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BELLA: Oh my God, I'm so pretty! But, don't worry, loyal fans. Even though I'm incredibly beautiful, graceful, powerful and immortal, I'm still totally the same clumsy, awkward girl at heart! Now, give me my baby. I need to call Karl Lagerfeld and ask him to create some haute couture baby clothes.
JASPER: You can't go near her, you'll want to eat her. I know I do, but I am resisting because Rosalie said she'd hit me.
BELLA: Don't be silly, Jasper! I'm only hours old and very, very thirsty but I have way more control than you!
JASPER: … I'm just going to go into the forest for a while. Don't wait up for me.
BELLA: Don't worry, we won't.
EDWARD: Now that you don't smell good, I love you a lot less.
BELLA: How romantic! Let's have sex in this cute cottage Esme built for us! Ain't she a sweetie?
ESME: Yeah, I'm so pleased I built it for you to destroy with your wild sex.
EMMETT: Hey, did I ever tell you how many cottages Rose and I have smashed while having sex?
BELLA: Please, Emmett. We are trying to have sex here.
CARLISLE: Will everyone stop saying that? It's making me very uncomfortable!
ALICE: Yeah, stop doing that! The Volturi are coming to kill your daughter because she is a freaky mutant!
ESME: Oh no! What do we do?
EMMETT: Make the baby join the X-Men? HA HA! Oh, that was a really good one.
JASPER: Yeah, do that! Alice and I are leaving. As soon as she has packed all her shoes into a caravan.
ESME: If I could cry, I would be. As it is, I will have to settle for sobbing in a very dry way.
CARLISLE: Aww, poor darling. Let's invite some vampire friends over to cheer you up.
ELEAZAR: Hi, this is my family. I like to think I'm the Spanish version of Carlisle.
ESME: No you're not. You're nowhere near as hot as he is.
ELEAZAR: Oh. Well, back to the drawing board. I guess I could be the Spanish version of Edward… but then again, (tinkling laugh) who would want to be that?
CARMEN: I'm Eleazar's wife. We were in the Volturi once, but we had to quit because we got busted photocopying pictures of my boobs.
TANYA: I'm in love with Edward. That's right, there are other girls as stupid as Bella!
KATE: I conduct electricity, which automatically makes me cooler than everyone else here.
IRISH COVEN: We're leprechauns. But we aren't really all that lucky.
EGYPTIAN COVEN: We live in pyramids. Let's dance to "Walk Like An Egyptian"!
EMMETT: Sorry, I can't. Rosalie said I can't do that anymore.
VLADIMIR: I'm the real Count Dracula.
STEFAN: I'm Vladimir's friend, but I am not Dracula. I know, sucks right? HAHA! I made a joke!
GARRETT: I'm going to ask Kate out! She's cute! AHH stop shocking me, Kate! Why do girls always do that to me?
AMAZONIAN COVEN: We are extremely primitive and wearing animal skins. We don't even know what TV is.
EMMETT: AHHH! These people are SAVAGES, Carlisle! SAVAGES!
RANDALL: I'm a hermit.
BELLA: Oh, I was one of those once! Let's be friends!
ARO: Hello again! Hand over the baby and no-one gets hurt. Except the baby.
BELLA: No! Go away. You can kill my family, as long as you leave her alone.
CAIUS: (in whiny little kid voice) Can we kill them yet?
ARO: Certainly not! Let's leave. Fights are so uncivilized. And the author can't be bothered to write about one.
CAIUS: Can I at least kill the prisoner first?
ARO: Fine, but don't expect to get an ice-cream on Friday!
TANYA: Hey, that's our sister, Irina!
CAIUS: It WAS your sister. Until I killed it.
TANYA: Ouch. That's harsh.
ARO: Okay, you had your little massacre. Let's go.
JASPER: Huzzah! We are back!
ALICE: I brought you all souvenir Machu Pichu models from South America!
EMMETT: I can't believe the Volturi actually left without fighting us. That was boring and pointless. I wanted to practice my punching on someone. Let's kiss, Rose.
ROSALIE: Okay!
JASPER: Emmett's right. Not about kissing Rose, about this being boring and pointless. It WAS completely boring and pointless.
CARLISLE: No it wasn't. We learnt lots about ourselves.
JASPER: Mostly that Bella is a selfish bitch.
ROSALIE: Aw man, I knew that YEARS ago! So I didn't learn anything!
JACOB: You ARE a selfish bitch, Bella. I can say that now, because I have a new girlfriend! YOUR BABY!
EDWARD: Stay away from my daughter!
JACOB: Okay. (raising eyebrows in a suggestive way) So, Bella…
EDWARD: Have my daughter, just stay away from my wife!
JACOB: Ah, the happy ending. It's been a long time coming.
You know what I hate most about Breaking Dawn? The way Bella's personality changes drastically the second she realizes she's pregnant. That isn't how it works. Yes, having a baby does make you more responsible and caring etc, but it doesn't make you into a completely different person. Anyway, that's just my opinion. I don't actually have a baby, so please let me know if I'm wrong.
Thanks so much to all the people who have read and reviewed this story! I hope you enjoyed it, and didn't find it too offensive. If you are a Twilight fan, enjoy the forthcoming Breaking Dawn movie! Personally, I would rather stick forks in my eyes than watch it, but each to their own. Thankyou and goodnight! :)