For neimans. Who prompted this wonderful post at the puckrachel drabble meme on LJ.

Prompt: Puck has to give best man's toast at Finn's wedding. Rachel gives him an outline for how to write his speech.

1) Compliment them
2) Make a joke about Finn
2a) Do not include any reference to his sexual abilities or anything that might happen on the wedding night or honeymoon.
3) Compliment bride
4) Make joke about bride
4a) Do not include the phrase "baby momma" or any similar reference thereto in said joke
5) Tell them they are a perfect match
5a) SINCERELY
6) Wish them luck
7) AT NO POINT MENTION DIVORCE.

And to treasure_chests who then proceeded to comment with: "And then Puck proceeds to break all of the rules."

Hope you enjoy.

"Noah! I gave you clear, concise, detailed! Instructions! How is it that you are not finished yet?"

Noah looked up wearily from his place on his couch. The petite menace that seemed to tower over him, despite her lack of stature, stood with her hands on her hips and glared him.

He had just returned from a busy day at work, eager to wash away the stress of the day he had just settled down on the couch - that he paid a fuck load for, (if he was going to 'entertain' - blame Berry, not him for that - then he was going to be comfortable!) with a beer in his hand when the door flew open, and Berry marched in - like she used to, and sometimes still does, storm out.

She had quickly nicked the drink out of his hand - remembering the last time she had interrupted his quiet time, and then had begun to chew him out for not sending her his first draft of his Best Man's speech.

He was tempted to ask why didn't she write it for him.

He knew she would - which was why he didn't ask.

"Rachel," he began, but she cut him off with a whirl of her hand, it reminded him to stay away from Kurt - who was probably the most excited about Rachel getting married. The two of them had begun what Puck could only liken to a cult.

"Noah, I am sorry that I interrupted this time of yours, again." She added that last part at his raised eyebrow. She wrinkled her nose and he leaned back to get comfortable. "You know I would never interrupt this time of your life - that you have expressed to me is very important to a man. Which is odd because Finn never needs time like this..."

Puck smirked to himself as insults about his friend's man-status flickered through his head.

"...but this is important. Really important." Puck made the mistake of looking up. She had done this face a lot of times to him in his life. The one with the eyes, the hope. The one with the expectation - expectation that she knew he could do whatever it was she asked of him. That she believed in him.

Damn her.

He held out his hand silently asking for the piece of paper in her hand - another print out, one with cursive font he could hardly decipher.

Noah's DO'S and DO NOT'S to include in his Best Man's speech at the wedding of Finn Hudson and Rachel Berry (soon to be Hudson!)

1) Compliment them

2) Make a joke about Finn

2a) Do not include any reference to his sexual abilities or anything that might happen on the wedding night or honeymoon.

3) Compliment bride

4) Make joke about bride

4a) Do not include the phrase "baby momma" or any similar reference thereto in said joke

5) Tell them they are a perfect match

5a) SINCERELY

6) Wish them luck

7) AT NO POINT MENTION DIVORCE.

Puck squinted as he tried to read the loopy writing, "Berry I can't even read your rules - what the hell makes you think I'm going to follow them in the first place. It's like you don't know me at all."

He grinned as she huffed, she always took offence when people told her she didn't know as much about Puck as she thought she did, re: Santana. But of course that was Santana - who lived to antagonise Berry and somehow (Her father is the Devil. No seriously.) she knew that Puck was completely in love with the petite diva.

Santana claimed that she had invented "Puckleberry" and therefore had demanded him to make it happen.

Easier said than done.

Obviously.

Puck handed the sheet back to the bride to be, "Berry calm the fuck down. I'll have the speech all ready and perfect for your event. Puckerone know's what he is doing. Now if you don't mind, your ass - lovely as it is, is blocking half the TV, I kind of need the other half to see Snooki kick Angelina's ass."

He let that stew for a moment.

"NOAH!"

He looked around for his drink, only to find that she had left it on top of his TV screen. It was balancing precariously. Not good.

He stood up only to find her blocking his way. "Berry - do you mind. You put my perspiring beer on top of my TV - they don't make them like they used to you know - all fat and shit -"

"No. I will give you back your drink when we have finished writing this speech together."

Puck rolled his eyes heavenwards. He so didn't need this shit.

"Do not give me that Noah Puckerman. If you had done as I had told you to, then you would not be in this predicament would you?"

It was her tone that got to him. Like he had nothing else better to than write her godforsaken speech. The one that would seal his fate. The one that would drive her further away from him.

He wondered - just for a moment what she would do if he told her truth. That the only reason he didn't write it was because he didn't want to. He didn't want to admit that he didn't stand a chance.

He let anger cloud his judgement for a moment.

"You want a speech Berry?"

She looked taken aback. His eyes were flashing down at her, and his voice was throaty. Suddenly he seemed to be so close to her, warm and masculine.

"My name is Noah Puckerman." He began quietly, letting the words flow out of him like the first time he sang Sweet Caroline. "I am the Motherfucking Best Man. That's right. Best. Care to know why? Because I've had to deal with the fucking train wreck that is Finn Hudson and Rachel Berry for most of my adult life."

Rachel let out a gasp and took a step backwards. "Noah-"

"Finn is the luckiest son of a bitch alive. And there are times when I am trying to sleep at night, and his fiancée is keeping me awake with the biggest hard-on I've ever fucking had, that I hate him. And yet he still considers me his best friend - even though I want his girl more than anything in my life."

Rachel didn't know where to look. She still kept retreating while the man in front of her kept walking toward her.

"He asked me once, what I felt like when I kissed his girl - you know way back when in High School - and you know what?"

Rachel shook her head.

"I fucken lied. I told him it meant nothing, I barely felt anything. When in fact - I had already imagined you in various positions, various states of undress and various sounds you would make under my very talented fingers. Lets face it - Finn is one clumsy mofo. I bet he cramps his tongue while trying to get you off and pokes you in the eye instead of the -"

"NOAH!" Rachel half gasped, half yelled. Her face was slightly pink and she clutched at the ruffles of her skirt like a lifeline.

"Then again, when it comes to Finn Hudson," he spoke the name like a disease. "The brides at her most moronic."

She finally looked at the man towering over her, he had slowly been pushing her back to the TV and he was nodding at her. Urging her to listen and believe his words.

"No matter what he does, no matter who else is there. It's always Finn. And it fucken breaks my heart."

Rachel felt her back go up against something cool and smooth. It was the television. She could feel the hum of it against her back.

"Why does it break my heart? Because I serenaded her. I was her first real boyfriend, I gave her, her first taste of slushie in a new and original way."

Rachel glared at him. He smirked and put his hands on either side of her and boxed her in.

"I was the first to touch her boobs, I was the first person she would go to if she ever needed anything. I gave her, her first Barbravention. I was always there for her, and for the girl who wanted a fucken fairytale - you might want to talk to you godmother cause the bitch screwed you over with Hudson."

He ripped the piece of paper out of her hand and looked at again before snorting. "You see that blonde over there?" Rachel choked, "that's my baby-momma. But she was also Finn's other major girlfriend. And like me I'm sure she here to congratulate the most imperfect couple on their farce of a wedding day. It's more like Rachel and Kurt's multi-million dollar day with a bit of Finn, music, food and family thrown in." The sarcasm and disdain dripped off his words. Rachel was crying now. But he refused to relent.

"Rachel's Jewish, like me. But I don't see much in the way of our faith here. Too hard for Finn to manage? Do you know late at night. After I had taken care of myself - if you remember earlier from my speech, I laid there wondering about the life I would share with Miss Berry. What our children's names would be. (Asher, Elijah and Nessa.) Where we would live. (New York, would there be any other choice?) What out cats name would be (Britt? Any ideas?) How we would go out together. (A long time away from now.) And how happy we would be."

He whispered the last part. He had her leaning back against the TV, and was staring at her right in the eyes.

"I fucken hope they break up, divorce isn't ideal but if it gets her to me. Then I'll wish for almost anything. Because I am so in love with Rachel Berry and I want her all to my fucken self. So if I'm going to wish for anything it's going to be for her to be all mine. Wether I wish on a star - golden or otherwise - your coked up fairy godmother, or just for my next birthday. I'll wish for you forever."

He leaned in. "Hope you enjoy the rest of your day. Cheers"

And with that he leaned away and took a swig of the drink he swiped from the top of the TV.

She stared at him for a few seconds. It was one of the few times she had ever been silent in his presence. And it was also one of the few times he didn't savour it.

He heard a sob, the forsaken piece of paper flutter to the ground followed by quick footsteps. The door to his apartment slammed shut and he was alone once again.

Maybe now he was lucky. He wouldn't have to go and then Chang could do an interpretive dance while Kurt tried to talk over it.

He snickered before sobering. He hoped he had gotten through to her. He would be the Best Man- he'd stand. He would hold the ring. He would honestly try not to lose it. He would smile in all the pictures.

As long as he didn't have to say anything.