Linger

The light has started to fill your room by the time you regain consciousness. You keep your eyes closed tight, trying to hold on to the realm of dreams a little longer. It's better there, you think. Better than the reality you're living in. For a second, you can almost hear her calling you for coffee. For a second, you can feel the warmth of her arms around you protecting you from the cold last night. For a second, everything was perfect.

But you know better than to delude yourself. You open your eyes and you find reality smiling mercilessly at you. The other half of your bed is cold, unoccupied. And just like how it is for the past seven years, you wake up to the feeling of loneliness – of being without her.

You grab your phone from the bedside table and even though you know the date without looking at the calendar, you check anyway. Maybe because you hope that you slept through this dreaded day. You don't know. Your eyes land on the digital date.

November 26, 2020.

You sigh, defeated. Reality is still just as harsh as ever but you find that it doesn't bother you anymore. You're simply just too tired to fight, too tired to dwell on that fact.

Silently, as if every step is calculated, you go through your morning ritual, trying to prolong the sickeningly painful normalcy of it all. You brush your brown hair a little longer after you showered. You drink your coffee a little longer. But you know today is a little different from the other 364 days of your life. It can be seen in the way you finally pull out a dust-filled box from your closet. Suddenly, you're afraid of what lies inside and how it can hurt you. Because, really, seven years has done nothing to you.

Gently, you grab the black sweatpants and a blue jacket with ducks at its hem. They weren't yours. You could still smell her perfume on the fabric even when it's been laundered for exactly seven times since the day she left. Painfully, you put on her clothes, memories of her spilling from everywhere inside your mind.

You don't know why you do this to yourself. You don't know why you try to keep her alive for a day and spend 364 days trying to forget about her. You're a successful lawyer, you're supposed to be professional enough to put the past behind. You're supposed to forget the name Brittany and the fact that she existed.

But you can't.

You haven't seen her for seven fucking years. That's more or less 2,555 days of living without her. It's plenty of time to forget about someone. But every year, you march into the bar you own to sing your poor, broken heart out in one song. You think that you'd rather feel the hurt of waking up alone and of missing her than to convince yourself that she never existed. You can't live in a world that exists without her. Because even after seven years, even though you badly want to know why she left, even though you almost hate her for leaving you alone, and even though your heart is still as broken as ever, it still beats for her.

You still love her.

You don't stop the welling of tears in your eyes. You're allowed to cry, after all, it's the only day that you do. After all, it's the day seven years ago that she left. You don't how long you've been kneeling there, dressed in her clothes. But you suddenly find yourself being pulled toward a body.

"Shh, it's okay, Santana. It's okay." Quinn's voice is soft against your ear. You want to argue that it's not okay. It's far from okay. But you only manage to let out a sob before you let the tears you've kept inside for a whole year cascade continuously down you face.

"Seven years, Quinn." You pause to gasp for air. "Seven years and I'm still waiting for her."

It took an hour and a half before Quinn was able to drag your weepy ass out of the house where Brittany used to go home to you. Your annual performance isn't until 7 pm so Quinn takes you the park. Side by side you walk, the burden of losing a friend and a lover heavy on both your shoulders.

"How – How is she?" You start, not knowing if you want to hear the answer or not.

"I heard from Kurt that she's doing fine. She's on tour, though, I forgot where. Still single and she's quite famous." Quinn said, and you know that she's wary that the walls you've built might collapse again. "So, what are you singing later?"

You smile. The song was perfect and when you heard it the first time, you knew you just had to go on stage and sing it.

"You'll see." You see Quinn trying to formulate a plan in which you would inevitably spill, so you rush forward to stop it. "I don't want to ruin it for you. I swear, it's fucking good, you just might kiss the ground I'm walking on." Quinn smirked.

"Whatever, Lopez. Not gonna happen."

"Yeah?" Quinn lightly punches your shoulder and you remember why you owe this girl so much. If it weren't for her you just know that you would have committed suicide. She'd been nothing but a good friend for the past years and you're grateful that you have friends like her and Puck. They were the ones who shoved food down your throat when you refused to eat. They kept you alive to an extent. You know that they're trying to patch you up as best as they could. But you also know that they know that a part of you will always remain lifeless. Regardless, you're thankful for their efforts.

"Thank you." You chuckle as Quinn's face move to express confusion.

"For what?" This time, you put on the most sincere smile you can muster (because after she left, she seemed to take your capacity to smile with her) and reached out to Quinn for a hug.

"For bearing with my shit. For everything. For being a friend I don't deserve." You whisper. You feel her squeeze you reassuringly and you know it's her silent way of saying that she'll always be there for you.

"As much as I love this moment, it's almost time for your emo moment." You hear her say. You laugh, pulling away.

"Bitch."

Thank you.

In front of your bar, you hesitate. You know that it is the one place where you can be just you – where you can tell the world you love this girl who left for unknown reasons. You hesitate because you know it's going to hurt. But most of all, you hesitate because there's this part of you who hopes against hope that Brittany's inside, waiting for you. Your heart pounds painfully against your chest as you push the glass door open. However, all hesitation disappears when you see that Puck's there waiting for you.

"Chickening out, Satan?" He asked, giving you a genuine smile. "Hey, Quinn."

"Not a chance, Puckerman." You say even though your knees are trembling.

"Okay, then. Let's get this show on the road." You almost stop him from going up that stage and announcing to everyone that it was time to get tissue rolls out. But Quinn's there, squeezing your shoulder and you manage to catch yourself. You watch as Puck the mic from the DJ as the latter cowered from the presence of his manager. You chuckle. That's Puck alright.

"Good evening, everyone!" He starts and you watch as the people stops from their business almost instantly. "As most of you might know, today is November 26. Every year, the owner of this bar, by the way, I'm just the manager." The audience laugh. You roll your eyes. "The owner of this bar sings a song for a person she's waiting for. For the past seven years, this tradition has never been broken and has always been a success. So for the regulars of this bar, enjoy. For all you newbies, don't be ashamed to cry. Give it up for Santana Lopez!"

You take several deep breaths before you manage to get your body to move. The applause is overwhelming and the regulars seemed like they were already crying even before you reach the stage. You produce a CD from Brittany's jacket pocket and you hand it to the DJ. You face the crowd.

"Hi. I'm sorry if I look green right now." You say and then you smile when your audience laughs.

"After seven years of doing this, it never really got easier. Some of you might think why the hell I'm still brokenhearted even after so long? Some of you might think that I have to move on. But here's a question for all of you. Have you ever loved somebody so much that you're willing to wait for forever just to be able to feel their arms around you again even if it's just for a minute?" At this point, your voice is shaking slightly and you feel the start of tears.

"I wear her clothes on this day every year because it reminds me that everything was real. That I'm not just in some messed up nightmare. I sing a song because I need to remind myself that I have the right to breakdown. And I still love this girl because I can't imagine myself not loving her." You take a deep breath to calm yourself. You can feel the badly bandage wounds on your heart reopen. You're bleeding again and you're just so tired of trying to repress it that you let the pain engulf you. You motion to the DJ that she's ready and soon, you're singing and you're already going on a trip down to memory lane.

I still remember the look on your face
Been through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me so why did you go away, go away

I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane
That July 9th the beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss

It's already 12 am. You're tired and sleepy but you want to wait for her to come home. You've been watching her perform on TV and you can't help but cry because you're just so proud of your girlfriend. She was perfect in your eyes and you can't help but wonder what you did to deserve a girl like her.

You lay down on the couch excited but exhausted. You decide to take a nap for thirty minutes.

The next thing you know, someone's brushing your hair and you're lying down on your bed.

"Mmm, B." Your eyes flutter open and you heart soars. Brittany looked slightly disheveled and tired but to you, she looked perfect. You reach for her face, you lips seeking hers. It's been a month since you felt her lips so you kiss her deeply, passionately. You feel her kiss you back with just as much fervor and you think that you're the luckiest woman on earth.

"I missed you." You say softly against her neck. Brittany chuckles.

"I missed you too, San." Suddenly, everything's right again. And you fall in love with her all over again. "You need to sleep, baby. You have work. It's only 2 am."

You pull away from her neck only enough to readjust yourself. You curl contentedly to her side and sighs as she wraps an arm around you.

"I love you." She says. You smile against her chest.

"I love you too."

You miss the sad glint in her eyes. You never make it to work later that day.

It was the first morning you wake up cold and you remember you reaching out blindly for Brittany. Instead, a paper meets your palm. The words scribbled on it shattered your heart to a million fragments.

I'm sorry. So so sorry. I can't. I love you. –B

At first, you didn't understand. When it finally made sense, you remember frantically running to your closet. The fragments of your heart turned to dust when you saw the other half – Brittany's half – empty. She did however leave the clothes she must have worn on the way back to you.

You remember being in denial at first. And then from there, you were constantly transferred from Quinn's arms to Puck's.

At this point, the first of your tears are making its way down your face.

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

You don't deny that it's been so long since she left. Sometimes, you even wonder why you just can't let her go. But then you remember the feel of her lips, the feel of her slick body against yours, the sound of her voice, the way she laughs and you just know that you'll be in love with her for the rest of your life.

You're gripping the mic now as if it was your lifeline. And you're singing with such emotion that even your voice sounds like it is crying. You don't give a damn to what people think at this point. Right now, you want to remember the days that you were with her; the days when everything was perfect.

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in
I'm not much for dancing but for you did

You watch her as she lights up the entire house. It was your graduation party and every one of your Glee friends are there. You've had three shots and a bottle of beer so you're feeling kind of buzzed. It doesn't matter though. Sober or not, Brittany will always be the best dancer you'll ever see for the rest of your life.

She's on the center of the floor, moving with a grace that can only be described as god-like. You can tell that even though she's really into the music, some part of her is beaming with pride because of the attention she's getting. You smirk and downs another shot before trudging over to the circle and joins the crowd in cheering and whooping for her.

Her eyes finds yours the instant you let out your first cheer and you watch as she blushes adorably. The song was coming to an end and you stand mesmerized as Brittany brings it to a graceful close. As soon as the moment ended and a slow song started playing, Brittany's in front of you, looking at you like you were the only person in the world. You can feel the butterflies in your stomach and you wonder since when have you become such a sap.

"Hi."

"Hey." She extends her hand to you. You look at it, confused.

"Can I have this dance, San?" You blush because you know that you'll never be as good a dancer as she is. Nevertheless, you give her a shy smile as you place your hand in hers. You revel in the fact that your hands fit together so perfectly. It felt like you two were made for each other.

"Of course."

Because I loved your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

And I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips, ohh

It hurts to remember her. The tears are nonstop and you've shut your eyes tight. You know that there's a sad smile on your face. You're aware that this is breaking you. And you embrace it with everything you have. After all, tonight you are allowed to remember what it feels like to wake up every morning to the sound of her voice or to the sparkle in her blue eyes.

You're allowed to break and to be broken.

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed
We can plan for a change in weather and time
I never planned on you changing your mind

This part of the song is very important to you so your voice came out a little stronger. The memories are unstoppable now.

"Where do you wanna live?"

"Let's go to New York!"

"What about LA?"

"Hmmmm, California?"

"You know what, S?"

"Yeah, B?"

"I don't care where we live. Just as long as I'm with you, anywhere will be perfect."

/

"San! It's a shooting star! Make a wish."

"I already have what I wished for."

/

"I'm sorry, Britt. I should have trusted you more. I should have trusted in us. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I got jealous and scared that you might prefer that – that girl over me and then you'd leave me for her."

"Santana?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

"…what?"

"I'll never leave you, silly. I don't think anyone understands how much I love ducks as much as you do. 'Sides, I can't be without you. That's just stupid."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

So, I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss

I never thought we'd ever last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss, forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips, just like our last

You end the song with a sob and when you open your eyes, you realize that you're not the only one who's shedding tears. Your performance is followed by silence until a weepy Quinn stood up to start the applause. You receive a standing ovation and you smile through your tears for them. Half of the audience is crying, some even looked like they were drowning.

You can hardly believe how much it's actually hurting you even after seven years. You feel like it only happened yesterday and you're shedding a shit ton of tears.

You miss her so bad.

You blindly make your way down the stage and barely manage to keep yourself from collapsing when Quinn and Puck are instantly by your side pulling you into their embrace. You pull away, the need and want to crawl into a hole and cry yourself to sleep hits you like a powerful blow.

"I have to go." You choke out. You're two feet away from them by the time they realize what you said and you're thankful that they don't follow you. You're almost by the exit and your sobs increase in intensity. You are already reaching for the handle when something stops you. Acutally, it does more than just stops you. It paralyzes you.

"Santana." You hear a voice from stage that's so familiar and it makes everything hurt a lot more than it already does. Part of you wants to turn around and check if it was real. Part of you is convinced that it was just your memories speaking.

"Santana, please look at me." Brittany's voice sounded so broken that instincts took over and you turned around even before you are aware of what you are doing. You take in the sight in front of you and your breath catches at the back of your throat.

She was still as beautiful as ever. Not much has changed aside from the look in her eyes. They were bloodshot. You're first reaction is that of anger. Slowly, you walk toward the stage, stopping when you reach five feet away from her.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" You snarl, your defenses acting up. You can't let yourself get hurt. You have to make her feel that you're angry; that you're hurt. Brittany flinches at your harsh tone and then more tears spilled from her eyes.

"I'm just… I'm… I… I'm so sorry." She starts.

"You're sorry? That's all you have to say, Brittany? You walk out of my life and never came back for the last seven years and you're sorry. Right." All the pent up emotions in you are pouring out now and you can't stop yourself anymore. "You left me without even telling me why!"

"I know and I…"

"You what? You hate for yourself for it? You regret it?" Hurt flashed through her eyes and your resolve wavered. You hated how she can do this to you. You hated how you love her so much, you can never actually hurt her. Suddenly, all strength vanished from you and your shoulders sag.

"Why? Did I do something wrong? Am I not enough? Are you not satisfied with me?" Brittany's face changed from regret to desperation. You could only cry.

"No! No, that's not it at all. You were perfect but…"

"But what?" You yell. "But what?" You repeat again, this time a little softer.

"You were perfect that's why I couldn't do it to you." You feel frustrated that Brittany actually had the guts to play around in circles.

"Get to the point."

"You were everything I could ever ask for, Santana. On the day I came back, I found you lying on our couch. You looked like you were crying, like you were so tired. I… It hurt to see you like that. It hurt to know that I'm causing you pain. I love you so much that I realized that I couldn't hurt you like that. I couldn't make you wait for me every time I leave. I couldn't make you stay with someone who can't stay for too long. So I left. I'm so sorry that I didn't even tell you why but I was so scared that you might hate me for it and I just can't live like that."

You stare, dumbfounded at Brittany.

"You're stupid." You blurt out before you can stop the words. You instantly regret it as you watch Brittany's face fall, more tears falling from her eyes.

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done this. Bye." She said as she walked away from the mic. Your heart constricted painfully at the thought of her leaving again.

"Wait. Let me finish." She halts and you breathe out a sigh a of relief.

"You've got it all wrong. I wasn't crying because you were hurting me or because you were always gone. I was crying because I was just watching you perform on TV and I was so so proud of you. I was crying because I was happy that you were mine." She stares at you as if you've grown three heads and then more tears came and a look of pure regret showed on her face.

"I—Oh my God."

"Living without you for seven years isn't easy. Every single day, I wake up wondering what I could have possibly done wrong that you left. Every day I walk down the street trying my best not to look for you. You hurt me so bad, I don't think I can ever really heal." You didn't realize when you start walking but suddenly, you're right in front of her on stage. Blue eyes peered into your own and you can see the guilt, sorrow, and something that made your heart leap while at the same time made you hurt a little more.

"I should hate you." You say. She drops her head and nodded as she bites her lip in an attempt to not breakdown.

"I understand."

"You don't. Not yet." Brittany looks at you confused and broken and this time your heart breaks for her. "Don't you see, Brittany?" You're desperate. "I should hate you but I don't. Not even in the slightest." The hope flashing through her eyes spurs you on and suddenly, you're letting go.

"If you can and you want to go on without me then…" Your voice is shaking so bad. "…then I'll let you go. This, us, it's your call." You finish, sucking in a painful breath in an attempt to suppress the heartbreak and the pain at the image of finally, finally, truly living without her.

Brittany is looking at you, her eyes swirling with emotions. She reaches out to you and for some reason, you're body contradicts you're words. You grasp her hand tightly. She's shaking. And you're so scared. The audience has long been forgotten and nothing matters but them. She opens her mouth and you hold your breath, bracing yourself.

"I can't." She's full out sobbing. "I can't be without you any longer. I can't not love you because I still do. I need you. I'm sorry. I…" You cut her off with a kiss and you're just bursting.

You kiss her with everything you have, trying to make up for the lost time. You're kissing her like you're trying to mold your lips to hers until it's inseparable and frankly, you don't mind that. And then suddenly, she's kissing you. Her arms wrapping around your waist and you've missed that so much that you cling to her for dear life. When you're lips separate, she buries her face to the crook of your neck instantly. You're inhaling her scent, hugging her for all it's worth because seven years is a really long time. But it's not enough to make you love her less.

"I've been waiting."

"I'll never leave again."

The light has started to fill your room by the time you wake up. You think that you never hated light as much as you do now because it pulled you away from the amazing dream you were having. You feel like crying because it never happened but you remember that it's no longer November 26. You have to lock yourself up. You try to move out of your bed.

It's only then that you notice that you woke up feeling warm. It's only then that you feel her arms wrapped securely around your waist. Taking a deep breath and pinching yourself, you turn and the sight before you takes your breath away in heart-warming familiarity. You reach out to brush a few strands of blonde hair and your soul fills with happiness when you feel her lean to your touch even when she's asleep.

You wrap your arms around her neck and the other around her waist, pulling her to you as close as possible. It will be a while before you trust her again enough to stop hurrying home after work. It will be awhile before you stop popping in her dance studio (the one she built so she doesn't have to leave you but still be able to dance) on your lunch breaks. But it doesn't matter. Because she's here.

And everything's almost perfect.

A/N: Yes, I'm still going to finish Forever for those of you who reads it. But! Tell me what you think? Song's Last Kiss by Taylor Swift. I don't own Glee.

Brittana (argh, they should kiss already),

theangel1710