None of the Above

by Methinks

A Deadman Wonderland One-Shot

Spoiler Alert: Spoilers up through Volume 8 of the manga! Don't read if you haven't yet read that far. Seriously. It's a great series, completely worth the time it takes, and I don't want to be the one to spoil things for you! So close this page, go pick up the manga, and then get back to me when you've caught up.

Disclaimer: This is stream of consciousness, so it's rather disjointed. Also, it uses strong language and the idea of suicide is brought up briefly as a result of Tamaki's suicide in Volume 8.

Blood.

He'd never really considered it before – just how miraculous blood really is. Red blood cells, formed to carry oxygen to all the cells of the body. White blood cells, the body's primary defense against all that would seek to harm it. Platelets, designed specifically to keep that life-giving blood precisely where it belongs – inside. And so many other components, all combined together to maintain a fragile equilibrium amidst the chaos swirling all around, bent solely on destruction.

The sensation of the cold metal wall of the submarine against his back slowly faded away as Ganta lost himself in the mesmerizing patterns of blood swirling slowly in the air before him. He found it terribly ironic. So many people out in the world outside those walls were terrified by the sight of their own blood. He supposed he'd spent just one too many days inside Deadman Wonderland, but he found it oddly comforting - the swirling, crimson streams, wafting slowly on invisible currents in the air, tracing patterns in the air mysterious even to the one supposedly controlling it. Life itself, dancing before his eyes. Beautiful... And yet so deadly...

(Like Shiro...)

But not today though. Not now, with that stupid woman's words echoing endlessly inside his head. Who the hell invited that Yosuga along anyhow? Besides, her situation with Toto was nothing like his. Nothing! Toto never massacred her friends, infected her with a strange disease, got her locked up in this hellhole, and then tried to kill him! His only crime was being an irritating, little asshole.

They weren't alike! They weren't!

(Then why couldn't he get her question out of his head?)

"You're scared too, right?"

"People fear death because they don't 'understand' it, and we're afraid of strangers because we don't 'know' them.

She was wrong! He didn't fear death. Not anymore. Not after what he had seen. Not after Senji, Ren, Azami. Mimi, Yamakatsu... Shiro...

The Wretched Egg.

No. Death didn't frighten him in the least.

Or maybe... maybe that too was a lie. Just like everything else. (Just like Shiro). Maybe he did fear death. Maybe he just feared life even more...

Why? Why was it all so hard? Why was it so painful? Why did things have to be this way? What the hell did he ever do to anybody to deserve this? Why was he the one that had to suffer? Why was he the one who had to carry the weight of the world on his back?

Why did he have to kill the woman he loved?

Evil little woodpecker

you made another hole today

the forest's full of holes I say

He had tried to forget. He really had. To move on, live his life as if nothing had ever happened. As if Deadman Wonderland had never existed. As if he had never been cursed with one of the Branches of Sin. As if he had never even known a pale, white-haired little girl named Shiro.

But forgetting was impossible. The Ganta he had been before, the Ganta he could have been had the Wretched Egg never appeared, had he never been infected – that child was dead. Gone, buried, poisoned by an evil little woodpecker. Cursed to become that very same woodpecker. This Ganta, the Ganta he was now, had been forged in the fires of Deadman Wonderland, shaped by a curse he had never wanted. Even if the memories hadn't been there – and at times it had seemed like they had disappeared, only to reappear the instant he'd realized they'd left – he could never go back to the way things were. Even now, he could still feel the weight of the collar around his neck, feel his blood writhing beneath his skin whenever he was agitated, still bore the scars from what seemed like a lifetime in hell on earth.

Even now, he could still feel the empty ache in his heart where Shiro had once lived.

No. Those memories were a part of who he was now, whether he liked it or not. He would carry that damn place with him to his grave. And wasn't that the worst irony of it all. Because even if he managed to kill that damn Wretched Egg and survive, it still won. Because the truth was, it was as much a part of him now as his own heart or lungs. Without the Wretched Egg, he wouldn't exist.

Poor little woodpecker,

the angry wood god put poison in your beak

your nest and food are poisoned

What did someone like him have to offer? More pain? More suffering? Tamaki was more right about them than he could have known – they were all of them dead men, walking corpses, sentenced to a lifetime of despair. A true carnival of corpses. The damned, released from hell to spread misery throughout the world.

(Why did this burden have to be his?)

Maybe Tamaki was right about more than just the Deadmen. Maybe he truly had seen the only out of this mess. They were just puppets, dancing to a higher power, a cruel, malicious entity who delighted in their sufferings. Maybe the only choice he really had was to cut the strings. Exit the game on his own terms. Put a gun up to his head and... (Bullet in the brain pain... squish...)

"Life is about more than bad things! Fuck that! If you're going to kill me, then hurry up and do it! I don't understand any of this... I just... wanna die...!"

"If you 'want to die'. Then I'll kill you!"

(Ironic. The most beatific smile he'd ever seen was on the face of the psycho lady trying to kill him with a shard of glass. It was love at first stab...)

He smiled. Really, truly smiled for the first time in what felt like months. Granted, it wasn't a big one, but it was a smile... Damn it! How could she, even now, even after all she'd done to him... how the hell could she still make him smile?

How could she make him still love her?

"Why dodge? I see! 'I want to die' was a lie! That's what here says!"

(He could still feel the warmth of her head, snuggled up against his heart, listening... So why did his chest hurt so?)

Who was he kidding? Shiro had been right all those months ago. He didn't want to die. He wanted to live. Wanted to live with Shiro. Wanted to hold her, to fight with her, to laugh with her, wanted to ride that damn Ferris Wheel with her. He wanted her to cook for him when he felt down and wanted to be there to protect her from anybody, even her own stupid self, who tried to hurt her. He loved her, dammit! And he didn't want to lose her!

(And that's exactly what made this burden his...)

"Because not being able to understand the one you love... is the worst fear of all..."

Maybe that's why he was sitting here moping. Because he was still scared. Because he had traded one fear - fear for his life, fear of pain, fear of change, fear of Deadman Wonderland, fear of uncertainty, fear, fear, FEAR (too many fucking fears!) - for another, even more insidious, one. Because even after everything he'd been through, after all he'd done to climb back up to his feet... he was still just a fucking coward at heart.

"You're going to kill her because you don't understand her, right?"

Was Yosuga right? Was he going to kill her because he didn't understand her? Or maybe because he was afraid to understand her? Or afraid to even try? Because if he tried, he could fail. And how could he live with himself if he failed? Or maybe – and perhaps even worse – he might succeed in understanding her. (Did he even want to understand her? Did he want to know what could make someone like Shiro into the Wretched Egg?) But then, what if he failed to save her anyways? How could he survive, knowing what he could have had but had lost? Perhaps it would be better to simply not even try, to never even make the attempt, and never suffer through the knowledge that he had failed.

He chuckled bitterly. He could just see the choices now, as if it was one of those multiple choice tests the old Ganta had taken back in that stupid school of his. A meaningless life, built on lies. Built on fear.

Answer A: Run away, try to forget. (I already tried, but I can't... she's part of me now...)

Answer B: Try and fail. (And live, knowing just what it was I lost? Fuck that!)

Answer C: Kill her. (Who am I kidding? Kill Shiro? Not a chance. Besides, she's in me too, remember?)

Answer D: Kill yourself. (Is that really the only option left? But I don't... I don't want...)

"It wasn't a lie, but... It's not like I really want to die... But it's just so hard..."

"If 'I want to die' was a lie, then you should cheer up."

All these what if's? All these endless questions, these damn doubts and fears! Tormenting him, paralyzing him, circling him like a shark waiting to feed. (He chuckled bitterly. Apparently they smelled blood...)

Perhaps he might fail. Perhaps he might die. Perhaps Shiro might die! Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps!

Well, fuck perhaps! He knew what Shiro would say. Perhaps he's being an idiot! Perhaps he's not looking at all the options. Perhaps, if he's so afraid of failing... well, then perhaps he should just succeed!

All the sudden, he saw a new option write itself in on his test. Written in Shiro's messy handwriting and blood.

Answer E: None of the above.

sad little woodpecker

your poisoned tears shine so brightly

touch your friends and they all die

His smile settled, grew resolved. In truth, he had known that was the only option all along. It was the only one he could ever possibly choose. Because in the end, he was the person Deadman Wonderland had shaped him to be. The Ganta who had braved hell time and time again for his friends. The Ganta who had faced the worst life had to offer, the darkest, most vile parts of humanity, had stared them straight in the eyes and forced them to back down. The Ganta who had chosen to give up his life for the people he cared most for time and time again – though always Shiro had been there to save him – and the Ganta who even now could do nothing less.

The Ganta who had met Shiro.

The Ganta who, despite everything, still loved Shiro.

The Ganta who would save Shiro, even if it killed him. But it wouldn't. Because there was no way in hell that he was going to die before he rode that damn Ferris Wheel with her!

Because if there was anything Shiro had taught him – there were just some things in this life worth fighting for.

Cookies. Friends. Ferris Wheels.

Love.

x-x-x-x-x

"What's the rest of the song...?"

"Hyuu... Rest...? There's... no way... that there could be... any more...! Because, Shiro... you're... you're the Wretched Egg!"

x-x-x-x-x

Screw the lullaby, with it's little poisoned woodpecker. He'd prove it wrong! Shiro had touched his life and he'd lived! In fact, he'd lived because she'd saved him! Now it was his turn. He'd make a new end to that damn lullaby...

Because there was no other option he could choose.

Happy little woodpecker

Your love has cured the poison

Your friends, they are all waiting

ロ

Soaring little woodpeckers

United now at last; loving, cherishing

The wood god smiles on you after all

Author's Note:

First of all, I realize my ending to the lullaby is pure cheese. I cringe every time I read it. But I think it strikes to the heart of what I'm hoping for with DW. Namely a happily ever after for Ganta and Shiro. Because no good story is complete without a happy ending.

Like my last piece for DW, this one is fairly disjointed. Just what my interpretation of what Ganta might have been thinking, following Yosuga's little bombshell at the end of Volume 8. The scene theoretically takes place after they talk and before Ganta leaves the sub to do whatever it is he's going to do next. Personally, I think my analysis of Ganta's character is fairly accurate, hence a lot of the quotes I used. Granted, I might be biased, but I believe this because I see a lot of myself in Ganta's character. Hence this story. This conversation is very similar to one I have to have with myself every now and then, when the innate uncertainty of life get's a little too overwhelming and all those fears and doubts that we try to suppress come rising up out of the dark to swallow me.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it. Here's to a happy ending to DW, with Shiro and Ganta reunited. Because I know if I don't get it, I'm going to have to sit down and rewrite the story to make that happy ending and frankly I just don't have the time right now. So please, for my sake, Kataoka Jinsei, give me a happy ending?

Pretty please? With sugar on top?

Also, a bajillion points to whoever can get the outside reference I slipped into this one. I'll give you a hint - it's closely associated with the most amazing sci-fi tv show to ever exist but does not come from that show. And again, Google's cheating! And kudo's to Sin Saiori for knowing the source of "Amen, Hallelujah, peanut butter!" in my last story.

Published: 05.17.2011

Updated: