Authors note: First fanfition chapter done. Awesome.
An important note is while I have painstakingly removed spoilers to portal 2, if your smart you may be able to guess how it ends and if you haven't played the game for some reason a lot of the references to the events of portal 2 will go right over your head.
So if for those of you who haven't already: GO PLAY THE GAME!
You know who you are.
I would say the same thing about the original Portal but I think its safe to say everyone has absorbed its plot trough internet osmosis.
This story is written from Chell's POV; in my mind she is both very sarcastic and very crazy.
Special thanks to my editor Cuddles_the_destroyer without which this story would be nothing but a cancerous clump of plot tumors.
…Well that was the scariest three minutes of my life…
And I, being the sensible and oh so very not dead president of the staying alive club that I am, immediately aimed my portal gun at the door in preparation for whatever trap was waiting for me on the other side...
The large metal door swung open and I quickly shot a portal at the ground so I could escape from the deadly sunlight shining down from the sky.
Wait, what? Am I free?
Okay this has to be a trick, there is no way GLaDOS would ever let me go this easily!
Would she?
I walked cautiously towards synthetic wheat swaying in a gentle breeze generated by hidden fans. That's what it has to be. Lack of plastic feeling notwithstanding.
I am so looking forward to the door locking behind me shortly followed by GLaDOS laughing at me for falling for yet another obvious trap, right before she tries to kill me by pumping the room full of deadly neurotoxin. Again.
On the other hand, GLaDOS does have very poorly maintained death trap rooms, so I have /g;,r
I continued to walk while I searched the surprisingly large room for an air vent or something else I could use to break out of here before GLaDOS killed me. There was only one problem though…
There where no walls. Or ceiling for that matter…
How did GLaDOS mange to upgrade her projector screens this much in so little time? If I didn't know better I would think that I actually was outside…
Fortunately, I'm much smarter then that.
On the bright but still oh so very bleak side, it's nice to know GLaDOS actually respects me enough to put some actual effort into these death traps. The time she expected me to run across a hard light bridge to her so called "final test chamber" was almost as insulting as being asked to jump into a seemingly bottomless pit because someone who had just been trying to kill me says that my parents are at the bottom.
And that 'trap' was made by a complete moron specifically engineered to make bad decisions, not a supercomputer who outsmarted some of the greatest minds of our generation!
In any case, I need to keep looking for a way out of here before GLaD-
*SLAM*
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
I spun around as quickly as I could to face whatever new death trap she had set off, and found myself standing in front of what appeared to be a rusty old shack.
As anticlimactic as that was, now I'm trapped out here!- I mean in here!
Great. Now I've wasted so much time thinking about how convincing this trap is that GLaDOS locked me in before I could devise a decent escape plan!
Well that's just great. Now I'm going to die horribly.
What am I saying? Screw that!
I'm not going to just give up and let her kill me! Not after surviving crazy tests with acid floors, energy balls of death, apologetically psychotic turrets, deadly neurotoxin, explosions, ripping GLaDOS apart piece by piece and then throwing her into a fire, Wheatley's idea of a manual override, and GLaDOS being reactivated and trying to kill me yet again…to give up now just because GLaDOS closed some stupid door!
With my resolve to not die restored, I resumed my search a for a way to escape from this stupid room, just as loud banging noises originating from the shack indicated that GLaDOS had set off the trap.
The shack's door opened, to allow a burnt storage cube with pink hearts painted on each of its faces to roll outside right before the door slammed shut.
…
Is that the original companion cube?
…
It looks like it… But I incinerated it the first time GlaDOS made me run through her crazy tests…
…
Well in any case, it doesn't matter all that much; companion cubes only last a minute before GLaDOS randomly destroys them nowadays.
There's no need to give GLaDOS the impression that I care about a stupid cube though.
Even if it was mine.
I then stared at the singed companion cube, waiting for GLaDOS to vaporize it and go on a rant about how the imamate cube loved me and how tragic it's death was.
…
…
Oh look! That holographic cloud is shaped like a human spleen!
…
…
Okay, I'm officially bored now.
I guess she won't vaporize the cube until she thinks I've become attached to it, she has always tried to get my hopes up about something before crushing them at the last possible second. Its kind of her thing.
Her pointlessly sadistic thing.
Might as well get some actual use out of this thing before that happens…
I picked up the companion cube, placed it in front of the door to the shack, and used it as a step to climb onto the shacks roof. Hopefully the higher vintage point will help me see where walls of this room are so I can get out of here…
Wow, talk about HD.
The outside was even more beautiful then I remember. A grand sea of wheat stretched out before me, shining golden in the suns light. Beyond this the summits, purple hills could be seen against the back drop of the sky, an endless expanse of the calming blue, filled with white clouds soft enough to fall asleep on. Behind one such cloud hid the ever golden sun, its loving light shining down to warm my unworthy face.
I admired the glorious scenery for what felt like hours before I noticed the only sign of civilization aside from the shack I was standing on, a simple old warehouse with grey concrete walls located to several miles to my right.
Even after I noticed it, I did not move for quite some time, to absorbed in the scenery stretched out before me.
After all, even the simulated feeling of a gentle breeze combined with the reassuring warmth of the fake sunlight is better than being stuck in an endless maze of soul-crushing grey test chambers until I die.
Therefore, if GLaDOS is showing me this right now just so she can destroy it and send me back in to the deepest bowels of Aperture Science's testing facilities. It prove without a shadow of a doubt that she is the most evil and sadistic thing that ever existed and she deserves be incinerated piece by piece for the good of us all.
But I knew that already, even if she was being almost nice to me when she was stuck in a potato.
Heh it was fun seeing her like that.
Anyway I suppose I could prove she's lying without all this pointless guessing if I just shot a portal in any direction to find out exactly where the walls are. But I can't ignore the very slim chance that GLaDOS wasn't lying and I am really outside. If that's the case, I learned enough from moon incident to know that shooting portals into space randomly is a very bad idea…
I'm getting off track again, that's what gets you killed.
Prioritize, the very first thing I should do is explore that warehouse. On the off chance GLaDOS actually let me go, the warehouse the would be the best place to start looking for some actual people and if GLaDOS is once again lying to me and this is a trap, the warehouse would most likely be where the trigger is located.
Walking into traps may be stupid, but I know from experience that with GLaDOS there usually isn't any other options.
Also, it would be just sad if I actually got out of the Aperture Science facility and never moved away from this tiny shed because of something silly like fear of death via deadly neurotoxin.
I shot a portal at the roof of the warehouse, effectively proving that the building itself was at least solid. I then shot a portal at the concrete surrounding this stupid shack, grabbed the cube, and jumped through.
I think getting to keep the portal gun almost made all the near death experiences I've had to go through 'in the name of science' worth it.
Almost, but not really.
After traveling the expanse of the field in about three seconds, I jumped off the roof of the warehouse and walked towards the front door to begin my search for other humans.
Or a way to escape death by neurotoxin, whichever ends up being more appropriate.
I knocked on the door and heard profanity followed by loud shuffling noises coming from the inside.
After that there was only silence.
I guess I should check inside since no one answered the door.
But I have to do it carefully.
I slowly pulled on the door, hoping that it I could wretch it off its locks. Surprisingly though, the door was unlocked. For once.
Now I know it's a trap!
Despite this feeling, I used my portal gun to hold the companion cube in front of me and walked inside.
Storage cubes make great shields after all.
The inside of the warehouse was unremarkable in every aspect except the sheer amount of junk that managed to fit inside. The floor could not be seen as it was completely covered in newspapers and the occasional beer bottle. The room's walls were almost completely hidden behind row after row of canned food, the only significant piece of dull grey wall that could be seen was in the far left corner of the room, where what looked like an old feed troth was fastened to the wall and filled to the brim with water. The center of the room was filled with wooden crates of various shapes and sizes, on top of one such crate sat a crowbar and some binoculars.
Which would be incredibly useful whether or not I am outside!
I grabbed the binoculars and strapped them around my neck. I then grabbed the crowbar and stuffed it into my jumpsuit.
Awesome! Now the next time I have to deal with a glass wall I can just smash through it instead of spending hours looking for an altern…
*SLAM*
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, I DID NOT JUST FALL FOR THAT A SECOND TIME!
I spun around once again, and a saw tall man covered head to toe in tattoos standing in front of the warehouse door.
A human man.
As in not a cube, a turret or a crazy AI, but an actual living breathing person!
I guess really am outside.
Unfortunately I didn't get much of a chance to celebrate my freedom, because as soon as I realized that I escaped three other men crawled out from behind the boxes and glared at me menacingly.
What is that all about?
"Well, isn't this is a nice piece of hot ass we got here, boys?" drawled the large man while his dark eyes roamed over me.
What is he talking about?
I stared at the tattooed man, and tried to gather together the courage necessary to ask him what was wrong.
He's a human. Talking to him dose not make me insane.
Just I was about to speak for the first time in god knows how long, the man cut me off with another glare, "Didn't anyone ever tell you its rude to stare bitch?"
What the hell is his problem?
Aren't all humans supposed to be nice to each other?
A shorter, but burlier, man behind me laughed before saying "Well, it looks like we're gonna have to teach the girl some manners, right boys?"
The four had me surrounded and began closing in, wilding wooden boards and rusty pipes they had picked up from the ground.
That was right about when I noticed the bruised and bloody corpse of a young girl, curled up pitifully in a lonely corner of the room.
I forgot GLaDOS is not the only sadist in the world.
I'm glad these men have taken it upon themselves to remind me so soon after I escaped captivity.
The circle the men had formed around me tightened and quickly I shot my one of my portals at the ceiling above the man who closed the door, casting the room in an eerie orange glow.
The men laughed, before the burly man behind me managed to gasp out "Your aim is horrible! Even for a wimpy little girl!"
I turned around to face him and smirked before shooting my second portal at his feet, an ear shattering scream was heard as he fell through the portal on the ceiling, followed by the sickening sound of crunching bones as the man standing in front of the door was crushed underneath his screaming friend.
The two remaining men stared in silence at the squirming mass of blood and broken limbs that had been their friends, pure horror darkening their eyes.
"You Fucking. Little. BITCH!" cried one of the thugs, a scrawny little man wearing a purple shirt and a spiked collar.
They charged at me in rage, brandishing their improvised weapons, their eyes burning with pure loathing.
In panic, I retreated to the back of the room while frantically trying to shoot portals under their feet.
…These guys are surprisingly agile.
Focusing on just the scrawny guy I managed to open a portal underneath him, unfortunately I was so focused on my target I did not notice the other guy, who was wielding a rusty old pipe had managed to get within three feet of me.
I ducked under the pipe he swung at my head and retreated further into the room.
Swing after swing, I rolled, ducked and dived to avoid the pipe the man swung haphazardly at me. Moving farther and farther away from the door to my freedom.
Eventually I was trapped, my back to a crate.
The blond man grinned viscously, reveling his uneven yellow teeth before he said "Now your going to learn what happens to anyone dumb enough to mess with their superiors." In a menacing voice.
Before he swung the pipe at my head, I jumped backwards to lean on the large crate behind me and used both my legs to kick the blond man in the stomach.
As he stumbled backwards in pain I shot a portal at his feet and watched as he fell from the ceiling towards the growing heap of bodies.
Another bloodcurdling scream resonated throughout the warehouse as I grinned victoriously.
"Your aim sucks, you dumb bitch!" shouted an unknown thug.
Just then, the scrawny guy jumped out from behind one of the crates, slashing a bowie knife while laughing maniacally.
I jumped forward, using the portal gun to try to deflect his wild slashes.
The guy began to time his swings, making them harder to block before he finally managed to cut my arm.
Ignoring the searing pain I backed off as blood pored down my arm staining my clothes crimson.
The man chased after me, swinging his knife like a maniac. However, he timed his knife swings so that he didn't really commit to any one swing. Every time I blocked a swing, he immediately pulled back and then tried another stab or slash. Eventually, he managed to trap me in a corner of the room, stuck between the feeding trough filled with murky water and the knife wielding maniac.
In an attempt to avid the knife nut, I jumped over the feeding trough desperate to put space between us.
Fortunately, the extra space provided by the feeding trough made blocking and dodging much easier.
Blocking high and dodging low, repeating the pattern was effortless. I was about dodge his low swing when he quickly reached his hands into the feeding trough and splashed the murky water onto my face.
If you give them enough time even the stupid ones get creative.
I instinctively used both my arms to shield my eyes, the murky water splashed over my arms, head and the portal device.
The scrawny man and I stared in awe as the portal device began to shake and emit blue and orange sparks until everything in the room was covered with the bright sparks of color. The sparks intensified until nothing could be seen but blue and orange. There was a blinding light, colors flashing before my eyes.
Then, nothing.
Authors note: I made some minor edits for clarity's sake and will continue to do so for all the old chapters before posting the new one. Sorry for the wait.