Love by any other name is just the same

Chapter 1

She often wondered when things had changed. When was it that she had realized that she was in love with her Astronomics officer? She had been fascinated by the young woman from the moment she had first laid eyes on her, her human form barely visible underneath the invasive Borg implants . She had removed her from her natural habitat, and the frightened young Borg had challenged her, had fought her with every fiber of that amazing body of hers. She had felt naturally drawn to her. The arrogance often made her impossible to deal with, but Kathryn had persevered, patiently chipping away the layers of Borgness, searching for the young woman she knew was present underneath. It had been her greatest challenge, and, she often liked to think, one of her greatest accomplishments. She had taken on the role of Seven's mentor and gradually, they had become even more than that, friends perhaps. A year had gone by, maybe more, and then one day, she realized she could no longer imagine her life without this woman.

Even their nighttime philosophical discussions had begun to change. They had started out as a way for her to teach the young woman about human relationships, to guide her through the difficulty of coming to terms with her newly found humanity. Somewhere along the line, these discussions had become more about her than about Seven, although she doubted that Seven had noticed. She lived for these intimate conversations now, the time they would spend alone in her quarters, Seven challenging her every thought and notion. She had started to open up to the young woman, to share her private thoughts, wanting Seven to get to know her, develop the bond they already shared. She desperately wanted Seven to see more than just Captain Janeway..for the first time since being trapped in the Delta quadrant she felt the need to be seen as Kathryn Janeway, the woman. Starfleet had always been number one in her life and she had never doubted the calling. Even in the beginning of her career, when she was with with Justin, or later with Mark, there had always been an understanding that her career came first, before marriage or family. Now, for the first time, she would lay awake at night, thinking of Seven and she would loathe the role she had to play. That's when she knew she was in trouble.

She desperately wanted Seven to see her as more than a mentor, her friend...her captain. There were so many things she ached to show her..love, comfort, passion...desire. She would be on the bridge, listening to the former Borg's report about a nearby constellations and she would let her mind and eyes wander to those beautiful lips, and wonder what it would be like to kiss them. She would be talking to Seven in her quarters, listening to her expressing her insecurities about an aspect of humanity she was currently having problems dealing with, and all she could think about was wrapping her arms around her for comfort. She wondered what Seven's reaction would be. Would she accept the embrace? Would she reciprocate and move things even further? Would she freeze up and reject the physical contact? She had to stop herself from thinking these thoughts. She was the captain of a Starfleet vessel, trapped thousands of light years from home, with a crew relying on her to trying them home. After all, she had brought them here. Getting them home should be the only thing on her mind and her top priority. She had no business thinking these thoughts, lusting after her Astronomics officer, especially not when this woman, who was now her responsibility, was as innocent as Seven, relying on her to help her find her way now that she was no longer Borg. She punished herself for thinking these thoughts, canceling their weekly Velocity match although she had been looking forward to it all day. Spending an hour in such close proximity of this tall, powerful and gorgeous woman, the occasional touching of their bodies when trying to outmaneuver her opponent, set her body on fire. And would only get her deeper into this hole she was digging for herself. Yes, trouble was definitely the right word for her predicament.

It infuriated her how interactions between human beings seemed to consist of pure irrationality and illogical behavior. How could she ever be expected to adapt to life onboard this vessel, when everything she had learned about how humans interacted with each other seemed to be highly contradictory. She had worked her shift in Engineering with B'Ellana Torres, who had spend the day angry and annoyed over something that Lieutenant Paris had done. Apparently, the incident had involved a conversation between Lt Paris and a young female ensign in Sandrine's the night before. Seven had wondered about the Lts use of the word 'hate' in relation to her partner. As she was under the impression that B'Elanna Torres and Tom Paris were what was called 'in love', this did not seem to make sense. Love and hate, so she had learned, were conflicting emotions, so how would it be possible to feel both emotions about one singular person? She had tried to ask B' Elanna about this, but had tried so in vain. She had not pressed the issue when the L Torres made it quite clear she was not 'in the mood' to elaborate on this particular subject. She had decided that it would be best to ask the Captain to explain as she was sure that at least there she would get a logical answer to her questions.

She looked forward to her evenings in the Captains quarters. Being with the Captain made her feel at ease, a rare occurence as she found herself to be grosely inadequate when it came to interacting with the rest of the crew. The captain kept telling her that other members of the crew would warm to her once they got to know her better, but Seven wasn't so sure. She often felt she was met with distrust and suspicion by others because of her Borg past. At times she would think back to a time before Voyager and she would miss the voices of the Collective. On days like these, dreams haunted her while she regenerated and often she would feel unpleasant afterwards. She had searched the ship's database and found these feelings to be classified as loneliness. Often these dreams consisted of her being back on a Borg cube, although in these instances she would be alone. She would search the ship for other lifeforms but always ended up with her realizing that she was finally totally alone. It frightened her and in her dream she felt paralyzed and unable to move. Perhaps this was it meant to be truly human...not being able to function without others, even if those others made it difficult to function at all.

Sometimes her dreams were different, though. She would not be alone of the Borg ship, but would be greeted there by the Captain. The Captain would wrap her arms around her and hold her tightly. Although these dreams were pleasant, she did not always feel pleasant afterwards. After she would open her eyes and realize that it was a mere dream, she would feel the same loneliness. And maybe something else. Sometimes she would wonder for hours afterwards how it would feel to be in the Captain's arms and it would hinder her ability to perform her duties as an Astronomics Officer. Sometimes she could almost feel the Captain's strong arms embracing her, her hands sliding smoothly over her lower back, her cheek softly resting against her own. She found these thoughts to be highly inefficient. And yet she found she had no control over them.