I disclaim. I own nothing.

AN: So this is it, the end. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and/or alerted and to everyone who stuck with this.

Want to give a great big thanks to Miss Eve. Not just for her input in this chapter but her help throughout this fic. Seriously don't know what this would have been without her.

Chapter 13 pt.2

Jax wasn't sure how long he sat in the hospital waiting for Tara. Worse, he wasn't sure how long he would have continued to sit and wait on her. He knew the look on her face. Knew her mind was a million miles away and she likely hadn't heard a word either of the women with her said.

When she noticed him, something flashed in her eyes that he wasn't quite sure he trusted before she excused herself from her companions. He wondered how she could stand it, her mind always running the way it did. She could be impulsive, he'd be lying if he said he didn't prefer her that way. Things always worked out better for him when she went on impulse. When Tara allowed her brain to lead her, the results could kill him dead.

"Just wanted to see how you were doing?" Jax asked as Tara lead him into a room away from the main hub of the hospital. "You were gone when I woke up." He didn't mean to sound as accusatory as he did, but she scared the shit out of him.

"Sorry, it was early." And he and Nik just looked so cute together that she didn't want to disturb them. "I know how tired you were."

He wasn't sure he bought it, but didn't see the point in borrowing trouble. "You okay, Tara?"

"I don't know." Mainly because she tried to keep her mind off of Donna. She couldn't think about her, about the fact that she'd never see her again. "You see Opie today?"

Jax nodded, it was all he could do. Because there was no explaining the state of mind his best friend was in.

They were quiet for long moments, it seemed the hospital itself ceased to make noise. Tara knew she had to say something, maybe now wasn't the time. But if she continued to sit and say nothing, one look from Jax and she'd break down in tears.

"It seems like…the last few weeks it's been one thing after another. And I'm scared Jax. I thought once Kohn was out of my life, it would be over. But I'm more afraid now than I was before. Afraid of getting caught, afraid of not getting caught. And I know I brought so much shit with me-"

"No," Jax reached for her hand, his voice insistent. "You didn't do anything wrong, Tara."

Unwilling to believe that, Tara shook her head. "I got away with murder. What does that make me?"

He waited until her eyes met his, wanted her to see the truth of his words. "A survivor."

With a nod, Tara leaned forward to press a kiss to the hand currently holding hers. "I believe you are a good man, with a good heart. I believe you try to do as much good as you can." And she felt as if she was doing him more harm than good at the moment. "Being with you these last few weeks, seeing how you are with my son…it's what I've wanted for so long."

Jax frowned, what she was saying seemed to differ from the way she was saying it.

"But I'm just not sure if being in Charming is what's best anymore. I'm sure I can get my position back at Seattle's Childrens-"

No, there had been no misunderstanding of her words. Snatching his hand away from her, Jax realized she was saying exactly what he thought she'd been saying. "Don't you ever get tired of it?" That she had nerve to seemed confused by his question only pissed him off. "Running?"

"I'm not running. I'm trying to be realistic here, Jax."

He had to get up, to move away from her. Had to walk off the bitter anger he felt towards her at the moment. "Your life is a series of hit and runs. The minute someone makes you feel uncomfortable, tests your loyalties, little Tara packs her bags and hits the road." It was all he could do not to cross the room and shake her. Just shake her until she understood just what it was they could be, that they were the only thing in the world that made sense to him. "But I guess you got what you wanted from me, right? Used me to do your dirty work."

At this Tara jumped to her feet. She knew he was hurting, shit she was hurting. She was prepared for him to lash out, but she couldn't deal with this. Couldn't have him believing that their time together was some sort of manipulation. "That's not fair."

"Fair?" He threw the word back out at her. How fucking dare she talk about fair? "You wanna know how many women I've slept with over the last ten years."

Tara's stomach rolled. Despite what he just accused her of, she wanted so badly to run for the door and keep going. She didn't want to hear this, didn't need to hear this. "Don't do this."

"Hundreds!" He bit the word off, throwing it out at her like it was a physical thing. Feeling just a hint of satisfaction at the way she recoiled. "Maybe more I don't know. I barely see their faces. I married Wendy because I was lonely." His mother had told him Tara wouldn't be able to stand him being married to another woman. That it was the best way to get her back. He'd been desperate, willing to try anything. In the end it seemed he succeeded only in pushing her farther away. He stayed married because he was stuck, because he figured why the fuck not. "Because I got tired of endless disconnect. It was just a sad time out." These were truths he swore never to share with her, but once he got started it was hard to stop. "Because when I'm inside someone there's only one face I see."

Tara's breath caught in her lungs. She hadn't been prepared for that. Hearing it now she thought maybe she should have been.

"I thought that weekend we had in Chicago was the last chance we'd ever get. You had Nikolai, Wendy got pregnant, I checked out. When you came back, just when I needed you, it was like some kind of sign to me. Like I was finally getting a shot to do things different, better. Now that chance is running back to Tacoma."

Tara tried to speak, but she didn't know what to say. She knew what she wanted to do, to just take him in her arms. To hold tight and promise to never leave. To finally give them a chance. But she couldn't get the words out. And he seemed to recognize that.

With a disappointed shake of his head at her silence, Jax framed her face in his hands. Pulling her close he pressed his mouth hard to hers. It was a goodbye, it was a fuck you, it was a 'look at what your giving up'. More it was to keep from wrapping his arms around her and begging her not to leave him. He wouldn't do that. He'd be goddamned if he did that. He'd suffer, but fuck if she wouldn't suffer right along with him. Pulling away he took a moment to look into her eyes, almost pleased by the reflection of pain he saw there. "Take care, Doc." And with one last touch to her shoulder Jax turned and walked out of the room. Hand going to his face as if to wipe away her kiss. In truth he was wiping away his tears.

It was late when Tara returned home. Cas had been waiting for her when she left the hospital, but they hadn't spoken a word to each other. She didn't know if it was because they were pissed at each other or because they didn't know what to do with what he admitted only hours ago. Thought maybe it was a little of both.

He didn't come into the house with her, actually waited for her to step inside before pulling off. The sound of the bike's engine and the screech of tires echoing loudly on the quiet street.

"Mommy!"

"Nikolai." Tara gave a wide smile as she scooped him up into her arms. Holding Nikolai tight to her chest, she took a moment to just enjoy having her baby in her arms.

Kozik stood back, not wanting to interrupt this moment between them. He knew she had a lot of shit on her. His concern about her relationship with Jax seeming trivial in the face of everything else. He'd always taken his job in protecting her seriously. And he'd continue to protect her, even at the cost of himself.

Kozik just didn't know who or where he'd be without Lenny. The man took him in, gave him a home and a family. When he was dropped in Charming, he didn't understand, not until Tara moved there the following year. Kozik knew what Lenny needed from him, and thought taking care of Tara was the least he could do. She'd always been special to him. She was the first thing he ever allowed himself to love. Her childish fascination and innocent interest in him getting through when nothing else could.

He didn't know, not really, when she went from being a cute shy kid to a beautiful wild young woman. Didn't know when his feelings for her went from an innocent fondness to a quiet yearning. But he never wondered what they could have been, never tried to push for more than what they had. Because he loved her and he knew she loved him. And having spent the first fifteen years of his life with no family, no friends, it made what he and Tara had all the more special.

"How are you liking his hair cut?"

With a frown, Tara pulled Nikolai back a bit, running a hand over his hair. It wasn't a major cut, but there wasn't near as much hair falling into his eyes. "You took him to Floyd's?"

"Yeah, that's as much as he let him cut before he started to get…well, you know how he gets."

Because that was true enough, Tara nodded. "I'm going to get him settled down for bed. You going to hang around a bit?"

"That was the plan."

Tara nodded, started to say something but changed her mind. Instead giving a strained smile before heading down the hall to Nikolai's room.

Kozik kicked back on the couch to wait for her. He was use to the routine of Nikolai's bedtime, the excited squeals the kid gave as he played in the tub, the random bits of conversation that floated down the hall. He knew each step in the process and just how long it would take before the kid's eyes finally drifted close. So he was surprised when he sat alone on the couch long after he knew Nikolai had gone to sleep.

Curious, he pushed off the couch and headed down the hall towards Tara's room. Making enough noise so she knew he was headed her way. Ever since that fuck Kohn, it was best not to sneak up on her. She was on the floor besides the bed, as he watched she proceeded to pull her suitcases off from under the bed.

"What are you doing, Princess?"

Having grabbed hold of all the bags, Tara sat back, shooting a bored look towards Kozik. "Cross stitching."

Not at all bothered by the attitude she shot him, Kozik just shrugged as he walked across the room to drop down onto her bed. "Last night you didn't exactly seem beside yourself to go home."

"I realized you and Cas made some really good points."

Maybe, Kozik thought, but he knew her well enough to know it was more than that. "What are you running from, Princess?" At this she shot him a look that could have dropped him cold.

"I'm not running from anything. I just…I had a lot of time to think. It would just be better if I went back to Tacoma."

Kozik realized he should have been happy about this. He didn't want her dealing with anymore of Jax's shit than she had to. And much like Cas, he realized that things in Charming may be getting out of hand. He preferred to have Tara and Nikolai close, where he could keep them safe. But Lenny was always going on about Tara's happiness. Looking at her now, Kozik realized that Tara going back to Tacoma would not make her happy. "Better for who, Tara?"

She didn't want to answer that, didn't even see why it mattered. She was doing what he was pressing her to do the night before. It seemed that no matter what she did, the men in her life would give her shit. With an irritated huff, she kicked her suitcases aside and began to strip out of her clothes.

"I know I didn't tell you this morning, but I'm sorry about Donna. She-"

"I don't want to talk about Donna." Tara snapped, flinging her shirt into the corner.

Realization hit and he knew exactly what she was running from. Knowing what he had to do, Kozik braced himself for the shit storm he was about to bring on himself. "It shouldn't have gone down like that."

"It shouldn't have gone down at all." Tara mumbled. Thoughts of Donna, of what those last moments must have been like for her were trying to creep into her mind. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to push them out. Trying to think of other things, anything else.

"You're right. Losing anyone is hard, especially someone you've known your whole life. But to lose her so suddenly-" He had to move quickly to avoid the shoe she threw at his head.

"I said I don't want to talk about Donna!"

Kozik approached her slowly. Tara's temper was a dangerous thing, even moreso if she bottled it for too long. "It's okay to be upset, Princess. One of your oldest friends was gunned down last night." She started to shake her head frantically. "It's not going to hurt less by avoiding it. Tara, what you're doing doesn't even make sense. Giving up Jax, just so you don't have to deal with losing Donna. That shit's crazy. Going to Tacoma isn't going to make her any less dead."

Tara's hand shot out quickly, the sting in her hand the only thing making her realize what she had done. But once she felt that release, the momentary satisfaction of causing damage, it was hard to stop. She continued to slap at him, not aware of the stinging in her hands or the tears coursing down her cheeks.

God it hurt. She couldn't breathe it hurt so fucking much. How was she suppose to do this? When the shock wore off, how was she suppose to deal with the reality? How was she suppose to get use to the idea of waking up ten years from now and Donna not being there? What was she suppose to do? How does life continue on?

She didn't know when she stopped fighting him, didn't know when he wrapped his arms around her. But before she was even aware of what was happening, she found herself sobbing against his chest.

When her legs gave out on her, Kozik picked her up and carried her to the bed. He held her in his lap. Just held her as tightly as he could for as long as she needed.

"How am I suppose to live without her?" Tara mumbled softly against Kozik's chest. She was still in his lap, his shirt was practically soaked through with her tears.

Kozik didn't have an answer for her, so he said nothing. And they fell back into a companionable silence. He had no doubt she'd get through this. Thought if anyone could, it would be her. She was stronger than anyone knew, stronger than she gave herself credit for. Stronger than even he gave her credit for. "Things like this happen…makes you realize just how much shit matters. You hold on to that."

Tara nodded, her eyes drifting closed. She thought about what mattered, thought about family, saw Nikolai, Abel, and Jax. "I've loved him since I was sixteen years old. But everything is just so fucked up now. I fucked up."

"You panicked." Kozik corrected with a shrug. "Wouldn't be you if you didn't." That got a smile out of her. "You want him."

It wasn't a question. The answer was practically chiseled in stone and locked away in her heart. "It's not just about what I want." She paused. "I don't know what to do, Kozzie."

Tightening his arms around her, Kozik dropped a kiss to the top of her head. "Yeah, you do."

Every inch of him hurt, from the tips of his hair to the soles of his feet, he hurt. But the physical ache caused by a night spent passed out on the ground, the nausea caused by one too many bottles of whiskey, was nothing compared to the pain in his chest. He'd lost everything. Jax didn't understand it.

Two days before he'd woken up with Tara in his arms, his best friends safe at home, and his club easing their way out of the hole they'd been in. Now Donna was dead, Opie was lost, Tara had once again slipped through his fingers. And everything he thought he knew about the club turned out to be a fucking lie.

He'd gotten drunk, passed out in the cemetery because he didn't know where to go or what to do. Still didn't know when his rolling stomach forced him awake. But as the cool water ran through his fingers, it became clear to him where he had to be. He owed Donna that much.

He wasn't sure how he was going to look Opie in the eye. Didn't know what he'd do when he saw Clay and Tig. But he'd pay his respect to Donna. After that he didn't know.

Jax didn't know why he was surprised to see Tara there. Realized that her going back to Tacoma had nothing to do with her missing Donna's funeral. He felt betrayed by the relief that rushed through him, by the calmness that just seeing her brought. He was going to ignore her, ignore the feelings he realized she'd always stir up inside of him. But then she stood up, taking his kutte from Juice as she made her way towards him.

The day before, when he saw something in her eyes he didn't quite trust, he realized now it was the flight response he knew pushed her more than others. What he saw in her eyes now was the exact opposite of that. Before he saw her take his kutte, he was prepared to leave it wherever it had been. To say fuck it and the club. But seeing Tara with it clicked something inside of him. If she stayed because she was willing to fight, than why couldn't he do the same. He couldn't explain it, but he would have sworn when she settled the kutte onto his shoulders the weight of the patch was different.

He knew, even before he turned to look her in her eyes, that he couldn't tell her the truth about Donna. Couldn't tell her that Tig and Clay, two men she loved, were responsible for Donna's death. Jax wasn't sure how he'd do it, keep this truth from Tara and Opie, but he knew he had to. It would kill Opie and it'd break Tara's heart. He'd lose both of them. There'd be no way Opie could handle that, he'd go after Clay and Tig. And he'd get himself killed. Tara would run for the hills. No, she'd run straight to her old man, who encourage her to run for the hills Maybe it was selfish, maybe they needed the truth, but after everything else Jax just couldn't lose them.

Confident he was making the right decision, Jax took her into his arms. When she leaned in to kiss him, her eyes remained partially open, and that was different as well. She was the first real thing he felt since he walked away from her at the hospital. Just like always, Tara made him real and whole. She gave him a nod and it was exactly what he needed.

Tara had noticed his busted lip, the moment that passed between him and Gemma and Clay and Tig. But when he walked away she knew better than to follow him. She knew where he was going. Knew he needed that time to himself. There was something brewing. It scared her. But she made her decision. She'd stick with him no matter what.

Long after everyone headed back to their cars, Tara remained seated at Donna's gravesite. She didn't realize how peaceful a cemetery could be. She hadn't been to this particular one since her mother's funeral. Wasn't exactly proud of the fact that didn't even know where in the large cemetery her mother was buried.

She'd flown Alexei back to Russia, buried him with his parents. His uncle had objected, admittedly Tara hadn't been all too fond of the idea as he would be so far away from Nikolai. But she knew it was what Alexei would have wanted. And she knew the father Alexei would want her to give their son was the one in her memories. Still she swore to one day take Nikolai there. Just as she'd take him to the house Alexei grew up in. She'd give him as much of his father as she could.

"I'll do the same for you." Tara spoke the words softly, as if Donna were seated in the chair next to her. "Opie won't let them forget you and neither will I. I promise."

She heard the crunch of the grass under heavy footsteps, turned her head to see Piney lumbering her way. Standing she moved to meet him halfway.

Piney jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "He's with his old man."

Tara nodded. "I know."

"Of course you do." Piney lifted one large hand to cup her cheek, his eyes softening as a smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. "You're a good girl. It's good you stayed."

Tara wasn't sure how he even knew she was thinking about leaving. Wanted to ask, but he was walking away before she could even think to form the words. As she watched him, she thought maybe it was better she hadn't. As there was no telling the answer she'd get with Piney.

With one last look back towards Donna's grave, Tara started to walk away. The procession was heading back to Opie's house. And Tara was glad Mary didn't give in to Gemma's insistence that it'd be at the clubhouse. It wouldn't have been what Donna wanted. The clubhouse wasn't Donna, it would be wrong to remember her there.

Tara wandered through the cemetery, not even sure of her destination until she found herself staring at Jax's bike. Wasn't even sure how long she stood staring at it before she felt his hand slide into hers. He didn't say anything, she didn't need him to, just lead her to his bike. He released her hand just long enough to climb on, when he was settled, he held his hand out for hers again.

Tara didn't even need to think about it, simply slid her hand into his before climbing onto the back of his bike. Strapping on the helmet he handed to her, she sat as close to him as she possible could before locking her arms around his waist.

Jax lifted one of her hands off his waist, brought it up to his mouth to press a kiss into her palm. Turning his head slightly, he smiled at the way she rested her head on his shoulder. "You ready?"

Tara released the breath she wasn't entirely aware of holding. "Yeah."