Chapter 5

They stood in the middle of the room embracing for a long time. Although neither of them spoke they knew that both of them were thinking about the only other time they had clung to each other for dear life. Hotch tightened his arms around Spencer as he remembered how often he had come to almost lose him. He felt the soothing effect the added pressure had on the younger man and moved them towards the bed and slowly let go of him. Reid sank onto the bed and covered himself with the bedspread.
"Hotch, can I ask you something?" he murmured quietly.
"Sure", the elder said and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
Spencer smiled at the all too familiar pose but then averted his gaze. "I said something tonight… I made an implication. It was rather reckless but you didn't deny it"
"What do you mean?" Aaron asked. He had spent so much time worrying about the fact that he beat another man to death that he barely had the chance to process what had happened between the two of them.
"I said what you did was romantic. I, um, I compared myself to your ex-wife", Spencer gulped, "I shouldn't have done that, I had no right but you didn't tell me I was wrong"
"Because you were right", Hotch sighed.
"I was?" Spencer looked at him with wide eyes, "You have… feelings for me?"
"I thought I made that pretty clear tonight. You think I would have reacted that way or done what I did if it were any different?"
"I guess not. That was what surprised me. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you say something earlier?"
Spencer moved the pillows behind his back so he could sit against the headboard.
Hotch ran his fingers through his hair. "There are so many reasons. But I guess most of all because I didn't think you would want me"
"Are you kidding? Everyone wants you!" Spencer exclaimed.
Aaron only raised an eyebrow.
"Believe me when I tell you everyone on the team has a crush on you, or at least had at some point. I can assure you nobody would reject you if you said you wanted them."
Aaron chuckled.
"It's the truth. Okay, I don't know about Morgan but all the others…"
Hotch sat down next to Spencer and caught his overactive hands in his.
"I highly doubt that but thank you"
Spencer looked like he still had lots to say on that topic but he settled for intertwining his fingers with Hotchner's.
"Does this mean you had a crush on me?" Aaron asked in a low voice as he stared at their hands.
"I thought you knew", Spencer said in an equally low voice.
Aaron shook his head. "I thought you were into women. JJ, that actress in Los Angeles, Seaver…"
"What? No! Seaver? I thought she was pretty, that's it. Garcia started putting words in my mouth and and and Lila… She threw herself at me. It was nice, you know, to be wanted for a change. It was flattering, actually, that someone beautiful and famous seemed to be interested in me. I enjoyed kissing her but I knew I didn't feel the way about her I should have. Two cases before that one actually, I had my first wet dream about you", Spencer stopped and threw a hand over his mouth in shock.
Hotch looked at him astonished but then smiled and nodded his head, urging Spencer to go on.
"Anyway, then the Lila case happened and she repeatedly took her clothes off in front of me and my body didn't react so I realized I was gay then.", Spencer coughed nervously. "The thing with JJ, I have no idea what that was about. I told Gideon she was the only person who called me Spence and next thing I knew he set me up on a date with her"
Hotch thought back to the day in question. Even though it had been almost seven years since Spencer's 24th birthday, he remembered it like it was yesterday. He was watching the young man from a distance, chuckling at how he seemed terrified by the two sets of breasts surrounding him, whose owners were cutting the cake for him. "Isn't it amazing, he knows what he knows and he's only 24", he had said to Gideon with stars in his his eyes.
Hotch sighed as the scales fell from his eyes now.
"What is it?", Spencer asked.
"I guess that was my fault. I talked to Gideon and he must have… He must have known about my feelings for you before I did."
"He used JJ to pull me away from you?" Spencer gasped. He balled his hand into a fist and hit the mattress.
"Shh. He was right. I was still married", Hotch said and took Reid's hands back into his. "And what about the bartender, Austin?" he quickly changed the topic.
Spencer laughed. "Morgan kept trying to hook me up with a girl. I didn't want to tell him about my real sexual orientation so I kind of played along and gave Austin my number. It was easy actually because by that time I had come to terms with myself and I was purely acting. When she kept calling me, I told her and she wasn't even disappointed, she just said she had always wanted a gay best friend so she continued to call me and I called her back because she was the only one who really knew and it was nice to talk to somebody. Morgan thought us still being in contact meant we were in a relationship and I let him think that so he would stop bugging me"
Hotch sighed in relief. He pulled his feet up onto the bed and stretched out next to Spencer. For a long while he stared at the ceiling then he recalled something from that night that still concerned him.
"Spencer?" he asked.
"Yes?" the other man replied, still fully awake.
"Tonight, after we… You asked me something", he turned to look at Reid.
Spencer nodded but didn't look Hotch in the eye.
Hotch took a deep breath. "I'm just wondering if tonight was your first time"
Reid turned away from him. "I wish. You don't know how much I wish it was. I would fantasize about you being my first…"
Aaron wanted to be relieved but the way Spencer spoke raised an uneasy feeling in his stomach. Who would want his first time to be rough sex against the wall of an alley?
"No, my first time was me selling myself for drugs", Spencer said and that confession knocked the air out of Aaron.
When Hotch didn't reply, the young man dared to turn his face back to his boss to look at him. The shocked expression on Hotchner's face caused Spencer to whimper.
"It was only once. And I got myself tested after. Multiple times. Don't worry, I'm healthy", Reid was quick to tell the man once he remembered that they slept together without using a condom.
Aaron couldn't believe Spencer thought he was worried about himself, "That's not… That's not what I… The bureau's physicals pass my desk too, you know. I'm just so sorry that your first time was something like that."

Spencer nodded. "At least it was the wakeup call that I needed. I found myself so disgusting after, I realized how low I had sunk. You know what they say, you don't kick the habit until you've hit rock bottom. It made me quit the dilaudid"
"I am sorry", Aaron said and pulled Spencer into his arms again.
"Don't be, it's not your fault", Spencer said.
"It is. I should have never sent you to interview Hankel…", Hotch was interrupted by Spencers fingers on his lips.
"Stop blaming yourself for everything that happens to me.", Spencer softly pressed his lips to Hotch's. "Stop blaming yourself for everything that happens."
Aaron kissed Spencer back, then let go of him. "We should try to get some sleep"
"Mhm", Reid hummed in agreement and the two stretched out on the bed again.
But as tired as their bodies might have been, the thoughts racing through their minds kept them awake.
"Spencer? Are you…", Aaron suddenly sat up.
"Am I what?"
"Are you a hybristophile?"
Reid's head swayed then he shook it. "With the job we have, I'd be constantly aroused if I were."
Aaron nodded.
"But I have some tendencies when it comes to you." Spencer said and also sat back up again. "That dream I mentioned earlier… The first wet dream I had about you, well the first one I can recall as such, was after you beat the group of unsubs with your baton. I wasn't there when it happened but I remember arriving at the crime scene and they were all tied up and you said you only fired one shot and that night I dreamed about you and, well…"
Hotch couldn't help but smile as Spencer's cheeks turned pink.
"It was also mostly why I stopped you from engaging in that fight with Chester Hardwick. I mean I was worried about you, of course, but I didn't doubt you could take him out. I just knew I couldn't handle watching you fight. I would have stained my pants and you would have known and oh God, I'm gonna shut up now", he said and buried his face in a pillow.
"Please don't", Hotch said, still smiling.
Reid pushed the pillow away again. "Well, anytime you would manhandle a criminal I would have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and get rid of my problem. I can't explain it, you're always hot but something about you being angry just gets me. But then-", Spencer stopped himself.
Aaron frowned but quickly realized what he had been about to say. "Foyet."
"Yes. It wasn't just about the attraction. It was romantic. You killed out of love and then tonight you did the same for me and it was just so…" Spencer fought for words. "It was personal, you didn't use your gun, you were not thinking but feeling, acting, to protect me and… Oh no! Fuck!" Spencer suddenly jumped out of bed.
"What it is?" Aaron asked and stood up as well.
"My gun is still in that alley."