"How was the Lunacorns marathon?" Kowalski asked as Skipper joined him in his lab a few hours later.

"Completely unbearable," Skipper replied, shaking his head. "But if watching the show with Private comforted him and helped take his mind off worrying, it was worth every minute."

"I think Private was right when he compared you to toast, sir," Kowalski said. "You really are soft and warm on the inside."

"Maybe so," Skipper said with a smile, "but let's keep that on the QT. Anyway, how do we proceed from here, Kowalski?"

"Way ahead of you, Skipper," Kowalski replied. "During your adventures with Princess Self-Respectra et al., I snuck over to the zoo office and used one of the computers to hack into the zoo-to-zoo communications system. I then sent out requests to every zoo and aquarium in the region that has penguins for bloodwork and liver tissue samples to be collected by veterinarians and expedited here to New York. I said that I was conducting a long-term study on penguin health and genetics."

"You just ordered several hundred penguins to be stuck with needles," Skipper said. "Kowalski, you fiend!"

Kowalski chuckled. "Funny you should say that. You're next. I've already collected a sample from myself and I'll be collecting one from Rico when I'm through with you."

"Yeah, I'm only kidding," Skipper replied. "I think I'll always hate needles with a passion, but this is an exceptional circumstance. Do what you must. Just be gentle with me, OK?"

"Gentle?" Kowalski chuckled as he reached for two needles. "Darn, I was hoping to get a little acupuncture practice in on you. Oh well, go ahead and climb up on my lab table."

"You really think all those requests you sent out will be taken seriously?" Skipper asked as he lay down on Kowalski's table.

"I highly doubt there will be any objections," Kowalski replied as he gave the smaller needle a little squirt in the air. "I signed my requests as Dr. K. A. Kowalski. If people think you're a doctor, you can get away with most anything without question. Just look at Dr. Blowhole." Kowalski then brought the needle to within a fraction of an inch of Skipper's abdomen. "An anesthetic with the first needle, the collection of a tiny liver tissue sample with the second. The procedure was exactly the same for me earlier and it will be the same with all the other penguins in the region. Awaiting your go-ahead to proceed."

Skipper nodded.

About ten minutes later, Kowalski had successfully collected the necessary tissue sample from Skipper. Two down, several hundred to go.

And so it began.

— § —

Analyzing the samples was a complicated process. What could be done by humans in a professional medical laboratory in mere hours was much more exhausting and time consuming as a penguin scientist with limited resources and having to follow tweaked and antiquated procedures to get past the limitations. But Kowalski pressed on, performing initial tests on new samples received each day while at the same time beginning further analysis on older samples that had gotten past the first stages of evaluation.

Six days after Private's condition had become known, the final test on the best sample so far was complete. Kowalski smiled as he peered through his microscope. He then checked a few boxes on a checklist he was keeping on his clipboard and called for Skipper to join him in the lab a few moments later.

"What is it, Kowalski?" Skipper asked as he rushed in. "Tell me it's good news."

"Very good news, sir," Kowalski replied as he handed Skipper a file folder. "I've found a perfect match for Private. All the details are contained in this medical profile."

Skipper opened the folder and skimmed a few of the documents. Although he didn't understand much of the science behind all the charts and figures, the only thing that was important was that Private would soon be able to receive the transplant he so desperately needed.

After a few moments, Skipper placed the documents back into the folder and returned it to Kowalski. "Great work, Kowalski," he said as he nodded and patted Kowalski on the back. "I'll go tell Private the news."

Skipper waddled out of Kowalski's lab and over to Private, who was taking a nap in his bunk. "Hey, Private, how are you feeling?" Skipper asked as he gently woke the resting penguin.

"All right, sir," Private replied, "though I've had better days, of course."

"Well, I have some good news for you, soldier," Skipper said. "Kowalski found a match for you."

"Oh, that's great news, Skipper!" Private said happily. "How many days do you think it will be before I can have the surgery?"

"Days?" Skipper chuckled. "I think Kowalski will be ready to begin prepping for the procedure in around fifteen minutes or so."

"Fifteen minutes?" Private asked with confusion. "But I don't understand. Where's my match coming from?"

"I'm your match, Private," Skipper replied. "Out of all the samples that Kowalski analyzed, mine matched with you perfectly. Isn't that something?"

"Really?"

"Really."

"Skipper, I don't know what to say," Private said, still a bit shocked. "I'm delighted, though I hate the thought of burdening you any. Maybe you should think this through a little. This is a big sacrifice, and I wouldn't mind if you wanted to give it a little time."

"Negative, Private, I don't need to think about this at all," Skipper replied. "We may not be related, but you're part of the only family I have; you may be my soldier second, but you're my brother first. No matter how many times I may slap you, Kowalski, and Rico, I'd sell my soul to Dr. Blowhole himself to ensure the safety of you guys. I'd go to Hoboken for you. I'd die for you. Giving you a piece of my liver is no great sacrifice for me at all."

Private smiled. "You really are like toast, Skipper. Thank you. Really."

"Don't mention it, Private," Skipper replied as he began to help Private out of his bunk. "I'm actually glad that I'm the best match for you. With me, you know you'll be safe from any strange diseases, and you won't have to worry that I'm looking for something in return."

"Yup, definitely like toast, sir," Private said. "Like a bagel or an English muffin too."

Skipper smiled, knowing exactly what Private meant, as he and Private began to head for Kowalski's lab.

A short time later, both lay ten feet apart from each other on makeshift beds in Kowalski's improvised OR, plucked and prepped for their imminent procedures. It was nearly time for the scientist's debut performance as a surgeon.

"All right, let me give you two a rundown on what is going to happen in the coming moments," Kowalski said. "Now that you are prepped, the next step will be having my anesthesiologist, Rico—"

"Wait, you're having Rico be the one to put us under?" Skipper interrupted.

"We're limited on penguins, and I need an assistant. Although if you'd prefer Julien—"

"Nope, Rico it is," Skipper said. "Carry on, Kowalski."

"The next step will be to place the two of you under general anesthesia," Kowalski continued. "I'll keep all the gory details to myself—and to Rico, I suppose—but to make a long story short, roughly 60 percent of your liver, Skipper—the right lobe—will be removed to replace all of Private's. This will take several hours."

"Is it safe?" Private asked.

"You're asking someone without a medical license, I'm afraid," Kowalski replied, "but from all I've researched, it's much safer than it sounds. The humans have been doing living liver transplants since the first was done in Chicago in 1989, with very few cases of death. As for the tissue itself, the 60 percent removed from Skipper will regenerate inside of him after several weeks, as will the portion placed inside you."

Rico then mumbled something to Kowalski while swinging around the ends of two hoses that had masks attached to them, both connected to a large blue tank.

"Rico's eager to begin administering the anesthetic," Kowalski said. He gave Skipper and Private a quick salute. "I guess it's goodbye for now. I'll see you again around suppertime."

Rico placed one of the two masks over Skipper's beak and then did the same with Private before beginning to release the anesthetic gas from the tank.

"Breathe deeply," Kowalski said.

Skipper looked over at Private. "Goodnight, Private," he said in a sleepy, inebriated tone.

"Goodnight, Skipper," Private giggled in the same manner.

— § —

Eight hours later, Skipper awoke, a bit blurry-eyed and disoriented. After a few moments, he remembered exactly what he was doing there as he looked over at Private in the adjacent bed and smiled. "Hey, Private, are you awake yet?" he whispered to him.

"Am I alive, Skipper?" Private asked.

"Yes, Private," Skipper replied. "And today is the first day of the rest of your life. So, how do you feel?"

"Tired, sore, and surprisingly hungry. Other than that I feel just like me."

"I'm glad to hear that," Skipper said. "You know, I could honestly go for something to eat right about now myself. Isn't it like a law that patients are supposed to be given all the ice cream they can eat after major surgery? I'll have to ask Kowalski to check on that when he gets in here."

Skipper then looked down at his abdomen; his feeling of hunger was not the only thing he shared with Private. "Looks like we'll be having matching scars," he said as he chuckled. "Though they won't be anywhere near as cool as Rico's since they'll be hidden underneath our plumage once our feathers grow back. If only we had gotten these babies in battle there would surely be some Purple Hearts coming our way."

"Do you think Alice will notice our new looks and become suspicious?" Private asked.

"Alice is always suspicious, Private," Skipper replied. "But to play it safe, the two of us won't be going in front of her or any of the visitors anytime soon. We'll have Kowalski and Rico cover for us."

Private was silent for a moment as he thought about everything that had just occurred. What Skipper had done for him truly touched his heart. How could he ever express his gratitude?

"Skipper, can I tell you something?" he asked.

"We're already talking, so there's really no need to formally request permission to speak," Skipper replied. "Go ahead."

"Well, I know you're treating all this as just another day at the office, sir, but everything you've done really means a lot to me," Private said. "I used to say that Kowalski was my hero, but now I think he's got a bit of competition."

"Kowalski was responsible for your surgery," Skipper replied, defending Kowalski's worthiness as a hero. "And for thinking up a solution in the first place."

"True, but you're responsible for my life," Private said as he began to cry a little. "I love you, Skipper. You know, in a completely brotherly, macho, manly kind of way, but I love you."

"You don't need to qualify your feelings that much, soldier; just say 'monster trucks,'" Skipper said as he smiled. "But I love you too, Private. I really wish that we were brothers for real."

Private smiled back and then looked down at his own abdominal wound and ran a flipper down the line of sutures. He stopped on top of the spot where his new liver was located and patted it. "We are now," he said. "And we always will be."

He may have said it off the cuff just to cover himself in the "Crown Fools" episode, but I think Private's comparison of Skipper and toast is still valid. Underneath his tough military exterior, I think Skipper truly cares about his teammates as if they were his brothers, and this inspired thoughts for Hepatic Hero.

I tried to make this story as medically accurate as possible, though some things had to be "penguin styled" and done with far less preparation than in the human world. Interestingly, tissue compatibility in many cases isn't as important in human transplants nowadays due to the development and use of improved anti-rejection drugs. It is true that the liver regenerates itself after a living donation in both the donor and the recipient. If you did not know that already, I'm glad that my fanfic has served an educational purpose.

Lastly, thank you to those who reviewed the first chapter: Private2Kowalski, iheartchocolates, ladywhiplasher, 17Bubbleslove, xDark-Winged-Angelx, Dark Lemurs, Eternally Ebony, EppopinkfangirlXDXDXD, and Whisper of the Moonlight River.

—GrandOldPenguin
Sunday, May 15, 2011
6:49 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time

[Story last edited January 26, 2018.]