Chapter 21: And I love you

Alistair knew that Ashlyn was less than enthusiastic about the task he had given her. He knew too that although Ashlyn would expect or want nothing less for Cullen to do what he needed to do, sending Cullen back to Kirkwall both pained and frightened her. Duty, honor, responsibility, commitment. Sometimes he hated those words.

Alistair was restless. Although he knew that the work that he and Anora were doing was needed, it seemed so removed from the day to day lives of the people of Fereldon. Alistair decided that he and Anora should begin a tour of Fereldon, to lend a hand at the re-building process where they could. Pleased with himself, he marched off to find his wife. Besides, he wanted to see Ashlyn and give her a welcome of sorts at the Keep.

Anora was in her sitting room reviewing some documents when Alistair came bouncing in to tell her of his plan. Anora had not yet dressed. Her legs were pulled under her and her velvet dressing gown cascaded around her as though she was in a cocoon. The top of her robe was open slightly and Alistair could not help but notice her long graceful neck, the softness of her skin, and the swell of her breasts. He felt himself harden and he blushed. What an utter fool Cailan had been.

But something was different about Anora today. She looked different.

"Anora, you've changed something. You look different." Alistair blurted out.

"Oh?" Anora replied, somewhat mystified.

Still gazing at her, a triumphant look crossed Alistair's face. " It's your hair isn't it? You've let down your hair. It makes you look …" Alistair's expression softened and he whispered "… even more beautiful."

Realizing what he had just said, Alistair quickly became flustered.

"I- I- I 'm sorry. Did I say that? I did say that didn't I? Well I didn't mean it! Well I meant it, but you know, not in that way. Well, all right, I meant it in that way but… Well, perhaps I should come back later." He was babbling now and blushing. Anora felt a sudden urge to wrap her arms around him and plant a big kiss on his cheek, but she restrained herself.

"No, please stay. You flatter me and I appreciate it! Now you came in to see me for a reason I suppose, so how can I help?"

Anora was pleased that Alistair had noticed her hair and his appreciative ogle had not been lost on her. Anora had become increasingly aware of what a fine man Alistair was - a wonderful concoction of good looks, humor, sweetness , canny , and strength. It was perhaps at this moment that Anora knew that Alistair's charm and kindness were slowly but surely penetrating her defenses. Would he be patient enough to wait for her she wondered to herself?

Alistair collected himself and sat down beside Anora, forcing himself to look into her warm eyes and trying to avert his gaze from her breasts, and from the soft blond waves cascading over her shoulders. Anora listened to his plan.

"It is a fine idea Alistair. But there are two conditions." She said with a small mischievous smile." Firstly, we must make our way to Amaranthine first to check in on Ashlyn. And secondly, you must promise to do some sparring with me while we are on the road."

"Sparring?" Alistair questioned.

"Yes. It has been a while since I had a blade in my hand, and if I am to be any use on the road, given how few in numbers we will be, I need to sharpen my skills." Anora said rather matter of factly.

"Skills? Anora, no offense but have you ever held a blade? You can't just …" He trailed off

"My father was not without talent Alistair. He taught me a few things." Anora said."I tell you what. Let's have a practice session and if you think my skills are too limited, I will simply smile sweetly when we are attacked by vagrants, thieves, or some random darkspawn vestige, while you and your men kill them. "

"Very well my queen. I will meet you in training room." He said as he stood up. Rolling his eyes, he bowed.

But to his surprise Anora had ability. She was quick and graceful, and although perhaps a bit rusty she was indeed quite skilled. Alistair promised he would continue to spar with her. After the session, sweating and tired, they sat down on a mat on the floor and leaned against the wall.

"He taught you well Anora." Alistair said begrudgingly.

They sat there in silence for a while.

"He was jealous of you, you know." Anora said quite out of the blue.

"Hmm – what? Loghain? Alistair said.

"Cailan. He was proud of you Alistair, and jealous as well." She mused.

"Proud? Jealous? But he did not know me. I only met him once." Alistair replied.

" He kept tabs on you. I think he was lonely growing up. Maric was gone so much and Rowan died when he was young. I think he liked the idea of having a brother. He was proud of you when you became a Grey Warden, but jealous too. I think he wished he could trade places with you." Anora said.

"And Maric? What of him?" Alistair asked, tension in his voice.

"I don't know" Anora said softly. "I am sorry Alistair" she said and she laid her head on his shoulder.

"Did Cailan know about us?" Alistair asked

"No. Although there were times when I was tempted to tell him, but I didn't have the heart." She sighed.

"Well in his own way, he was a good King. He cared about his people. I was proud of him too – and jealous." Alistair said

"Jealous? Why?" she asked "I thought you never wanted to be King."

" He had you Anora, he had you." Alistair said sadly.

Anora reached up and turned his face to hers. Gently she caressed his cheek and searched his face. She hesitated, and then she leaned in to kiss him. It was a soft, gentle, warm kiss, and Anora melted into his arms. She tucked her head under his chin and he held her. It was as wonderful to taste her lips as it had been the first time.

XXX

"Push Ashlyn! Push!" Cullen said calmly. "Just a few more, love."

Ashlyn gritted her teeth and pushed down as hard as she could.

"Maker's Crap. You said that last time Cullen. This was a mistake. "Ashlyn screamed at him.

"Mistake or not, the baby is coming. That's good. I see the head. Breath and then push again…" Cullen just smiled.

With every last ounce of energy, Ashlyn pushed down again. Grimacing and groaning.

"That's it Ash. The baby is here, Oh Maker. Ashlyn, it's a boy and he is perfect." Cullen's voice was strained with emotion. Tears began to flow. Gently, he placed the baby in Ashlyn's arms. She too began to weep.

"Cullen," She whispered. "He's beautiful."

The year was over. Long weeks and sometimes months passed before that could meet, usually at Anora's family estate near Kirkwall, but each reunion they had, was always sweeter than the one before. Had she known she was with child, Ashlyn would never have done battle with the mother. And although based of her own knowledge, and the calming influence of Cullen, she knew the baby would be fine, she fretted and worried. But now, in her arms, baby Cayden was safe and whole and beautiful.

Ashlyn and Cullen could not be happier. Their time together during that long and difficult year was always too brief, but it was always exquisitely satisfying. Cullen was amazed at how his love for Ashlyn had deepened and grown. She was his strength, his passion, and when they parted, his pain. Her touch, her laugh, her smile, her deep understanding of who he was as a man, comforted him and brought peace to his raging soul. And indeed, as he learned more about the politics of Kirkwall, and the relationship between the Templars and the Mages there, his soul raged. Anger and fear, bigotry and fanaticism ruled in Kirkwall beneath the veneer of civility. He puzzled over the strange presence of the Qunari there. Sometimes Cullen wondered if the simple single-mindedness of the Qunari belief system was indeed superior to the fractured weakness he saw in Kirkwall. Ashlyn's calm and wisdom and her innate understanding of him always helped him tame the chaos in his mind and kept him from falling into the abyss of fanaticism that he was beginning to sense in Knight Commander Meredith.

His commitment to figure out what was happening in Kirkwall had faltered over the course of the last year. Hearing what horror Ashlyn had had to contend with at Vigil's Keep, how alone and frightened she had been without him, had given him pause. He loved Ashlyn so much that the thought of her in need of him and him not being able to respond was almost more than he could bear. But with the birth of their son, he realized that he must continue at the Gallows for he was a father of a child who might one day become a mage.

Alistair and Anora had enabled the mages in Fereldon to rule over themselves in collaboration with the Templars. But it was a fragile peace and there was still much to understand in order to mitigate any risks to this new model. Signs of trouble, of weakness among the Mages anywhere in Thedas threatened that peace and the possibilities it brought. He could not risk the consequences of failure for Ashlyn or for his son.

Ashlyn sat in the beautiful rocking chair that William the groundskeeper at Anora's estate had made her. Cayden was fed and happy. Ashlyn was overwhelmed with her love for the infant, and her love for Cullen. The room was dark, save for the light of one candle. She watched Cullen as he slept. She could taste her tears as they rolled gently down her face. Watching Cullen always filled her with joy and awe. He was such a strong man, kind and compassionate. She wasn't sure she would ever understand why he loved her. It was at that moment that Ashlyn made a decision that would mark their path for years to come.

In the few days Cullen had left before he had to return, he spent every possible moment he could with Cayden. He fussed and cooed over the baby. He changed him bathed him and rocked him to sleep. He had long discussions with his son about how Cayden had to watch over his mother, how he had to be patient with his parents who never thought they would be or even could be parents. He explained to Cayden about Mages and Templars and wardens, and why he was not going to be able to be see him every day. Ashlyn saw Cullen's love flow from him like a shaft of warm sun, and saw the sadness in his eyes, when he realized his time with Cayden was coming to an end for now.

Ashlyn had packed Cullen's things. He would be leaving again for Kirkwall.

"When will I see you again?" He said, his heart breaking. "When will you be ready to travel back to Amaranthine?"

"I am not going back there Cullen." Ashlyn said resolutely.

Cullen smiled "I can't say that I am not relieved. Denerim then? The Tower? Where will you be love?"

"I will be right here. I am not going anywhere Cullen. Not without you. Not ever again."

Cullen held her in his arms and kissed her deeply. He held her against his chest, stroking her hair. "I cannot tell you how much I want you to stay here close to me. I cannot tell you how much I need you and Cayden. But, are you sure? " Cullen asked.

"I have never been more certain of anything. I don't know how I can help you Cullen. All I know is that I cannot help you if I am in Fereldon, and there is nothing I cannot do for Fereldon – for Alistair - from right here. It is what I want Cullen, for me, for Cayden, and for you. It is what I need."

"Ash, I am scared. Kirkwall is corrupt. The viscount is weak. Orsino is weak. The Grand Cleric is kind, but passive and ineffective. Meredith has inspired fear and rebellion in Templar and Mage alike. The veil is thin, and the temptations are great. I feel alone and helpless. If you were to be near, if our son, were to be near, I cannot tell you how much that would mean to me. Cayden is the first," Cullen said "the first child born freely to a Mage and Templar. I do not want him to be the last. I do not know what the next few years will bring, but as long as I have you and Cayden then I truly have everything. I love you Ashlyn."

Ashlyn smiled. "And I love you."