The Questionable Theology of Suzumiya Haruhi

You would think, wouldn't you, that when one has known a certain Suzumiya Haruhi for long enough - or, at least, when one has had enough experience regarding her ability to bring about chaos, destruction, and quite possibly the end of the world - one will have realised that even the longest spell of calm is merely an illusion. Unfortunately, due to the scrap of optimism I still possess, I am often lulled into an invariably false sense of security. Sometimes I even come close to the belief that I may never again have to save the world from Haruhi's devastating powers.

This, I think, speaks volumes about the human capacity for self-delusion.

By the weekend after the school festival, Haruhi had abandoned her idea of forming a band. Koizumi's lack of rhythm and my own musical incompetence might have contributed to that decision, although it was equally probable that Haruhi's attention span simply didn't hold for mundane things like music. In any case, I entered the SOS clubroom on that fateful Monday afternoon expecting nothing more than a cup of Asahina's delectable tea, and perhaps another round of beating Koizumi at board games.

I had managed to get as far as the tea and the beginnings of a game of chess when Haruhi entered the clubroom in her trademark dramatic style - which had lost all dramatic potential ages ago, since we'd grown used to it.

"My ever-loyal SOS Brigade! Are you ready to transcend the limits of human knowledge?"

I took another of Koizumi's pawns. "What is it now, Haruhi?"

Naturally, my response had as little effect on Haruhi's enthusiasm as a water pistol has on a raging inferno. "Starting today," she announced, "the SOS Brigade is going to make contact..."

Your dramatic pauses are no more effective than your entrances, Haruhi. Get on with it.

"...with the ancient gods themselves!"

Whoa, wait a second, what was all this about? Being interested in things that belong in sci-fi novels or paranormal investigation documentaries was all very well, but was there really a need to bring in myth and religion too? Or should I have said 'the occult'? I couldn't tell if Haruhi planned to make a pilgrimage through Kyoto or summon spirits via arcane rituals.

"Hang on," I said, in my role as the oft-ignored voice of reason. "Weren't you denouncing the occult maniacs in the Supernatural Study Club back in April? Why the sudden interest in- in whatever it is, now?"

Haruhi dismissed my question with an impatient flick of her wrist. "We won't be fooling around with chalk circles and magic crystals like that deluded lot. I've been reading about the theory that gods subsist upon belief - in other words, it's belief that gives them existence! Humans create their own myths, and the gathered strength of thousands of believers causes the myths to become real. That makes this a supernatural phenomenon rather than a spiritual one, doesn't it?" No, it doesn't. Honestly, Haruhi, the holes in your logic could fill a colander. "Anyway, this one book suggests that when gods lose their believers, they exist in a weakened state. The SOS Brigade is going to gain the attention of such ex-gods, and observe their power!"

"And was this book fiction or non-fiction?"

Haruhi barely paused. "Does it matter, Kyon? You should sound more eager about the prospect of investigating this! I'm going out to buy supplies for our experiments - your vice-commander will hold the fort in my absence." I glanced at our 'vice-commander' in time to catch his pathetically subservient nod. "Yuki, look up the history of foreign religion in Japan! I'm sure that library of yours has relevant books." And with that, she left as abruptly as she had entered, leaving no orders for the other two members of her so-called organisation. Not that I minded the lack of attention, of course. The lower the chances that Asahina and I would get involved in Haruhi's mad schemes, the better.

Ah... and now the lovely Asahina herself, resplendent in her maid outfit, was smiling shyly as she refilled my cup of tea. Despite Haruhi's tendency to trap us in possibly fatal situations, being in the SOS Brigade had its good points. Even playing board games with Koizumi wasn't that bad. At least I often won. As if he had read my mind, Koizumi shrugged helplessly and moved a knight, apparently unaware that I would now be able to take his rook.

The final member of the club, for her part, seemed in no hurry to fulfil Haruhi's orders. For once Nagato had a slim book in her hands, not a monstrous brick of a novel. "What's that?" I asked, if only to take my mind off Haruhi's latest obsession. Nagato held it up silently, still reading. It was yet another translated work, its front cover bristling with katakana. Small Gods, hm? Trust Nagato to be reading something that had such unfortunate relevance to our potential Predicament of the Week.

Okay, perhaps I was exaggerating. Our predicaments are more of a fortnightly thing.

Haruhi's silence throughout Tuesday's lessons was not reassuring. It is understandable, I hope, that I was not thrilled by the idea of entering the SOS clubroom that afternoon. The first person I saw when I got there was Koizumi, which did nothing to improve my mood. He was loitering outside; from within the room came Asahina's wails of distress and Haruhi's manic laughter.

Koizumi seemed about to say something, but then Haruhi's voice rang out: "You can come in now!" While I find Haruhi's treatment of Asahina reprehensible, as a rule, I must admit that she has an uncanny knack for finding attractive cosplay outfits. I wasn't looking forward to going in, you understand. Still, as I followed Koizumi through the door, I couldn't help but wonder what Asahina was wearing this time.

"Ah, Kyon, you're here too. Prepare to be amazed!"

There was a dangerous, depressingly familiar note of triumph in her voice. "Yes?" I said, steeling myself.

"Behold!" Haruhi stepped back, flinging her arm out as if the eighth wonder of the ancient world stood behind her. "The SOS Brigade's very own vestal virgin!"

What stood behind Haruhi was, in fact, Asahina. And although I tried not to stare, especially since Asahina looked as distressed as a potential Aztec human sacrifice, I inadvertently noticed (I am a perfectly healthy teenage boy, after all) that she certainly looked... er, 'virginal'. Criminally so. The outfit was- well, there wasn't much of the outfit, to be honest, and I only had time to get an impression of soft, clinging fabric and rather too much skin before my in-built common decency caught up with my senses and forced me to avert my gaze.

"That outfit really suits you," said an infuriatingly polite voice. Koizumi, you insensitive bastard! Don't stare at her!

"Doesn't it?" I could hear the grin in Haruhi's words. "It was an inspired choice, I must say."

Asahina whimpered, and I felt a surge of righteous indignation on her behalf. "Hey, Haruhi," I snapped, looking up (and noticing - inadvertently! - that Asahina's outfit had tassels attached). "What are you planning to make Asahina do now?"

"Lighten up, Kyon! You sound like those teachers who tried to stop us setting fireworks off on the roof. We'll just make some offerings, pour some libations. It's probably best to try major gods like Apollo, not the smaller ones-"

"Alcohol isn't permitted on school grounds." Besides, we're all underage.

"Don't be so pedantic, they don't have to be libations of wine. And I brought incense and candles, too. It'll be fine!"

And, strangely enough, it was fine. By my definition, that is, not Haruhi's. The afternoon passed in a series of ineffectual 'rituals' that involved the scattering of barley, the burning of incense (Haruhi forbade the opening of windows, so we suffocated in silence) and the lighting of candles, all in the pleasant absence of dead Hellenic gods. Haruhi seemed disappointed, but consoled herself with several rounds of photo-taking, to which Asahina bravely acquiesced.

"Right," Haruhi said at last, the enthusiasm in her voice having acquired an undertone of desperation. "Today's activities didn't go too well, but that's no reason to slack off. I expect you all to be here tomorrow, ready to press on! Mikuru, you can keep the outfit as a souvenir, I don't think we'll need you to parade around the school in it." I was surprised that Haruhi actually had some notion of social propriety. "Oh, and Kyon, didn't you have a cat or something? Bring it tomorrow, we'll need it."

With that non sequitur of a parting order, Haruhi swept out of the clubroom. Despite the enticing sight of Asahina in her outfit- no, because of it, I decided to leave too. The last thing I wanted was to embarrass Asahina further by ogling... though I did wonder if there was some way to get hold of those photographs.

The new object of Haruhi's attention was lying peacefully on my desk when I returned home. "Meow," Shamisen said in greeting. "Had a long day?"

"Normal cats," I informed him, "do not say 'meow'. They actually make mewing noises."

"One is allowed to wish for some variety," the cat said airily. "Furthermore, surely this is a matter of perception? What sounds like me saying 'meow', to you, may be considered true mewing by someone else."

"You sound like Koizumi." And I have to endure enough of his speeches in school, as it is. "What will it take to keep you purring like a normal cat, hm?"

"I respond well to scratching behind the ears. And regular feeding."

I sighed, and rummaged around to find the box of dry cat-food. Perhaps this cat resembled a certain other SOS Brigade member more closely, at least in its tendency to treat all and sundry as its minions. "You're going to school tomorrow," I informed him while I filled his dish. "Our great leader wishes to see you."

"Hm. Another day devoid of fulfilling conversation, then."

Wednesday afternoon rolled around, and Haruhi's armband now read "Head Priestess".

"Kyon," Haruhi said, "you will be glad to know that I am conferring a great honour upon you. For the sake of the SOS Brigade, you shall sacrifice... your cat."

I stared at her. "Excuse me?"

"To be more specific, I shall sacrifice your cat. To the Egyptian goddess Bast. It may be a bit bloody, so Mikuru, you'd better leave the room before we do it."

Asahina wailed in distress, bringing her hands up to her chin in a manner that would have been devastatingly cute if I had had the time to appreciate it properly. I exchanged a nervous look with Koizumi - or rather, I gave him a nervous look and was rewarded only with a strained smile. How depressingly typical. I shouldn't have bothered, and of course I don't usually look at him unless I have to, but it couldn't be helped. Nagato is not very good at looking nervous, Asahina was distraught enough as it was, and I couldn't bring myself to face Shamisen's reproachful stare.

Yet there was no escaping the fact that something had to be done. I had failed Asahina before; I could not fail another innocent soul today, even though I had to admit that I would much rather save Asahina than save a mere talking cat.

"Haruhi, be sensible. You can't sacrifice Shamisen."

"Duties to the SOS Brigade come before sentimental personal attachments, Kyon!"

Sentimental personal attachments? "That's not the point - look, you can't just go around killing cats and expecting Egyptian goddesses to appear." Especially if the goddesses don't exist.

Haruhi paused. "I suppose you're right. We may need an altar. And incense, and probably a special ceremonial knife."

Asahina wailed again, scooping Shamisen up in her arms and hugging him close. Lucky cat. I heard a polite cough from behind me, and then Koizumi's irritatingly calm voice: "Please excuse me, but if I may interrupt, well... if nothing else, the goddess Bast was very fond of cats, and harming one was forbidden in Ancient Egypt. Although your plan may indeed succeed in attracting divine attention, I am not sure it will be the sort of attention that you wish to gain..."

This was a historical first. Koizumi, disagreeing with Haruhi! I watched Haruhi for danger signals, half-expecting the ceiling to collapse. But I received a second shock when she merely sighed in mock exasperation. "Exactly, my reliable vice-commander. Too bad you blew our cover. I was hoping to act as though we were about to carry out a blood sacrifice, thus getting Bast to intervene before we actually hurt the cat. I don't approve of cruelty to animals, you know."

You obviously have no qualms about cruelty to humans; look how you treat Asahina! Furthermore, what makes you think that an Egyptian goddess is bothering to eavesdrop on our conversations? (What makes you think said Egyptian goddess exists, come to that?)

Still, I was relieved. I'd grown fond of Shamisen, despite his talkative nature. "I wonder if there's something else we could do," Haruhi mused. "Perhaps we should set up a shrine. Or treat the cat like a miko." She leaned towards Shamisen. "What do you think? Should we dress you up in a ceremonial costume? I bet they sell some in pet stores-"

"I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you. I don't like the idea of pet collars, let alone clothes."

Haruhi blinked.

Then she turned to us, with an expression somewhere between shock and manic triumph. "Did you hear that? The cat talked! No - it must have been the goddess speaking through the cat! Kyon, Kyon, did you hear-"

"Don't be absurd," I said, feeling a cold prickling of fear at the back of my neck. It was a sensation I had come to associate with Haruhi. "Cats don't talk, and this isn't Egypt anyway, and-"

"It's ventriloquism."

In a way, the interruption was more shocking than Shamisen's speech had been. Even Asahina was surprised enough to stop wailing. The silence stretched as the four of us - five, if you count Shamisen - stared at Nagato.

"Ventriloquism?" Haruhi said at last, sounding sceptical... but also a bit relieved? No, that was probably my optimistic imagination at work.

"I've been practising," Nagato said, as though that was a perfectly normal occupation for a bookworm like her. Haruhi looked doubtful, but it was hard to question Nagato when she had that expressionless look on her face. Shamisen squirmed out of Asahina's grasp and padded off to some corner of the room, and that was apparently the end of Haruhi's ill-conceived plan. Thank the gods- or, well, thank the Integrated Data Entity for Nagato's presence.

"Hmph. Maybe it was the wrong choice of deities, like yesterday. The geography could be important. I guess the Ancient Greeks and Egyptians didn't manage to spread their beliefs very far." That's the first sensible thing you've said today. You mean you didn't realise this earlier? "Yuki, did you look up what I asked you to?"

I decided to save Nagato the trouble of replying. "Why don't you try summoning kitsune? That'd be closer to home."

"Kitsune are creatures of folklore, Kyon. We're looking for gods with strong foundations of belief. Pay attention!"

In the end, another afternoon went by with the SOS Brigade having nothing to show for their efforts. Which was just as well, because I would have found it highly disturbing if some god from an extinct civilisation had materialised before us. After a desultory discussion about traditional myths, which consisted mainly of Haruhi thinking aloud and Koizumi agreeing with her, our irrepressible leader left us to our own devices, saying that she had to prepare for the next round of our 'experiments'.

Asahina went over to Shamisen, knelt down, and began stroking his fur gently. I quelled an irrational rush of envy and looked at the other two instead. Koizumi appeared troubled; Nagato's expression was as unreadable as ever. Neither of them said anything until Asahina left the room with the tea-kettle, cheerfully announcing that the refrigerator had run out of water.

"I wonder," Koizumi said once the door had clicked shut, "if it is perhaps time to steer our leader off this dangerous course."

I wasn't exactly surprised by the suggestions, but neither had I been prepared for Koizumi's serious tone. "Haven't things been smooth this time around? Unless I haven't been paying enough attention, Haruhi doesn't seem to be altering reality."

Koizumi gave a strained laugh. "Actually, since yesterday, our clubroom has seen the formation and subsequent destruction of approximately twenty-seven instances of closed space." My shock must have shown, for he gave another small laugh and held his hands up in reassurance. "Perhaps 'closed space' isn't the right term. These instances felt similar, though none of them lasted very long. I got the impression that they contained not 'celestials' - those blue giants, if you recall - but some other form of... corporeal manifestations of power."

Haruhi certainly hadn't appeared that frustrated, despite her failed attempts at summoning deities. "So it's a new sort of disturbance in reality?"

Koizumi nodded. "It's worrying, because we haven't seen anything like this before. I suspect that Haruhi is unconsciously trying to create gods - or things with godlike attributes, at least - but isn't concentrating long enough for it to work. Maybe she has conflicting ideas of how these gods should be. Or perhaps she isn't sure if she wants to succeed."

"Wait, wait - Haruhi can create gods?" As if one entity with the power to change reality wasn't enough!

"The human definition of 'god' is too vague for that question to be answered," Nagato said, not bothering to look up from her book. "I too have observed the proliferation of localised data explosions. Unlike the data originating from Suzumiya Haruhi, these data explosions have no specific source; they are created by Suzumiya Haruhi but are not of her. They are thus not self-supporting, and hence unsustained, as Koizumi Itsuki observed. However, it is conceivable that Suzumiya Haruhi may succeed in creating a data explosion complex enough to be considered a data entity, which could then be self-proliferating and eventually autonomous."

"So... Haruhi can create gods?" I hazarded.

"Within the confines of the earlier definition, it is possible. Empirical evidence suggests that such an occurrence would not be unprecedented."

This was getting worse. "You're saying that Haruhi has created gods before?"

Nagato finally raised her head to stare at me. She stares at people all the time, but this particular stare seemed oddly meaningful. "I am saying that there is a non-zero chance that autonomous bodies capable of data manipulation may have been created, instead of arising spontaneously. In the absence of direct observation, such a hypothesis cannot be proven."

I glanced at Koizumi, since he was the one with the ability to translate Nagato-speak. He was nodding his head, slowly - then he turned towards me, meeting my eyes before I could look away. For once he seemed to be regarding me with detached curiosity, rather than the arguably-too-personal interest which was the norm; it made my skin crawl, in a different way from the usual.

"I see," he murmured. "Yes, that is a possibility which our side has considered for some time. And like Haruhi now, the one responsible may not be aware..."

Stop conducting cryptic conversations as if I don't exist! They were looking at each other - but then Koizumi laughed again (I was getting heartily sick of that fake, empty sound) and shook his head. "No, that isn't quite relevant to this problem, is it. We should concentrate on persuading Haruhi that there are better ways for her to relieve her boredom. These occurrences of - data explosions, did you say? They may have been dry runs for the full creation of a 'god'. Perhaps even a whole 'pantheon'."

"The world has enough to deal with right now, and it only has one out-of-control 'god' at the moment," I said, if only so I could enter the conversation.

Koizumi smiled. "Perhaps," he said, in a strangely gentle tone.

And on that ominous note, the SOS Brigade dismissed itself for the day. That afternoon had one inadvertent consequence, however: Shamisen stopped talking. He had fallen asleep thanks to Asahina's soothing touch, and stayed asleep until we reached home. When I lifted him out of my school bag, prepared to be on the receiving end of a lecture on the demerits of Haruhi's idea, he merely opened one eye and mewed lazily at me. I tried asking him questions, and even started on his favourite philosophical topics, but he made no sign that he understood. Oh well. At least I still had a pet cat, and now I wouldn't have to be reminded of Koizumi outside club hours.

While I was pondering that pleasant advantage of Shamisen's transformation, my sister charged into my room. "Kyon! Kyon! You have a visitor!"

Nagato and Asahina had never come directly to my house before, and thus I had a depressingly good idea of who the visitor might be. Sure enough, Koizumi was standing at the door.

"We need to talk." Don't smile in that sickening way when you say that. It's never good news when you show up at my house.

I stepped out and closed the door behind me, hoping that he'd be satisfied with loitering in the front yard, and that he hadn't come here for the sake of dragging me off to another demonstration of his powers. He began the conversation with insincere apologies for bothering me; I waved those aside and asked him to get on with it. It turned out that he feared I might not have appreciated the significance of our earlier discussion.

"The danger lies in the possibility that these data explosions will achieve an autonomous existence," he said, frowning like a bad actor trying to portray a philosopher. "Perhaps one could see this as a literal manifestation of the ontological argument for the existence of gods: since she can imagine them, they exist, roughly in accordance with her imagination. Was it not Voltaire who said, 'If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him'?"

Don't quote French philosophers out of context, you show-off. "This, coming from the person who calls Haruhi a god?"

Koizumi shrugged, his theatrical frown giving way to another of the few expressions in his limited repertoire: this time it was a wry smile. "Semantics. You know that the sort of 'god' I refer to when talking about Haruhi is not the sort I have just described. Besides, I merely represent the official stance of the Agency." He paused, and looked at me in a thoughtful way. "In any case, if Haruhi manages to create entities which exist independent of her wishes, preventing chaos will no longer be as easy as simply stabilising her. We will have to deal with all of her creations. Assuming, of course, that her creations can be negotiated with."

"That's your role, isn't it? Closed space and all."

"I don't know how my powers apply here, I'm afraid. None of the data explosions has lasted long enough for me to find out. But I doubt I could go against a 'god' and win, you know." His smile slipped a few notches, into 'self-deprecating'.

"Can't Nagato do something, then? I thought data manipulation was her speciality."

Koizumi coughed. "I am not sure her interests lie along the same lines as ours."

And what would those be?

"That is to say: I am not sure that the Integrated Data Entity would wish to prevent the creation of these 'gods'. In fact, it is more likely to prefer such an outcome, since that may represent another step towards discovering the secret of autoevolution."

The conversation went on in that depressing fashion for a while longer, before Koizumi glanced at his cellphone and said that he had to leave. "I'm afraid it's up to you. You could always give that method a try, if all else fails." He had the impudence to wink at me before walking off into the night. I didn't need to ask him what that method was; he was always eager to suggest said option. The one time I did it was quite enough, thank you very much. This time I would solve the problem without resorting to such direct, unsubtle means.

Unfortunately, I wasn't sure what other means I had.

I rushed down to the clubroom on Thursday; second-years have their break at a different time, and there was a particular second-year whom I needed to meet. As I'd hoped, Asahina was already there. So was Nagato, but despite Koizumi's warning I didn't think she would try to stop me. I hoped not, anyway.

"K-Kyon? Is there something wrong?"

"Asahina, isn't Haruhi's current behaviour worrying you at all?"

She shook her head slowly, looking adorably bewildered. "She's a bit... enthusiastic, but I mean, that's normal for her, right?" After a nervous glance in Nagato's direction, she added, "I haven't had any orders from my superiors... I don't think they're worried about this."

No time disturbances, then. I don't know what I'd been hoping to hear; while I doubt I'd have been overjoyed with the news that Haruhi's actions were messing not only with the fabric of reality but also with the space-time continuum, it was a bit of a letdown that Asahina couldn't help us. Nagato's actions were restricted by her loyalties, and I really didn't want to rely on Koizumi.

As if to complement such cheerful thoughts, it began to rain.

After a few minutes, I changed my mind: this wasn't a melancholy, despairing sort of rain, which would have been more appropriate as a backdrop for my train of thought. No, this was a full-blown thunderstorm of the doom-heralding variety, complete with impressive streaks of lightning and deafening thunder. I considered the fact that the weather was far more likely to be reflecting a certain Suzumiya Haruhi's mental condition rather than my own, and decided to despair a bit more for good measure.

At that point, however, I was saved the trouble of speculating about our impending doom. Doom herself arrived, accompanied by Koizumi; she must have gone to get him, for whatever reason, instead of coming straight down after class like I had done.

"It's perfect, isn't it?" She flicked her hair back with one hand, a triumphant grin on her face. "This sort of weather, and on a Thursday, even! It makes sense that it would be him - I'd planned on contacting Freyr, but this will do."

I don't think Norse gods are any closer to Japan than Egyptian and Greek ones, Haruhi. Besides, this is the third day of your ridiculous rituals. Even if you call them experiments, there's obviously nothing scientific about them. Couldn't you save us the trouble and lose interest in this? None of that was the sort of thing one could say to Haruhi, of course, so I waited for her to go on, wondering if Nagato and Koizumi had noticed any data explosions yet.

"Today, my dear SOS Brigade, we perform the Blot." She grabbed Asahina; Asahina gave a terrified little squeak, no doubt assuming that the Blot was a sacrifice of some sort. I couldn't blame her. "Come on, my minions! I bet he's noticed our intentions already, since it's storming. He's bound to respond-"

"Where are we going, again?"

"The roof, obviously!"

She was clearly mad. More than usual, I mean. "Haruhi, this is a thunderstorm. I know that there's a lightning conductor on the roof, but I'd really prefer not to take any chances. Besides, in this weather even an umbrella wouldn't keep you dry-"

"Who said anything about umbrellas?"

Koizumi gave me an imploring look. As if I wasn't trying my best to defuse the situation! "You can't drag us all outside in the rain, we'll fall sick." I don't know if humanoid interface things fall ill, but at least think of Asahina's health, if you call yourself our brigade commander.

"There are more important things at stake than simple physical health, Kyon!" There was a definite edge to her voice now, and with a stab of panic I realised that I had heard that tone before: in that strange grey world she had created, all those months ago. It was the tone in which she had said, eyes bright with feverish excitement, that there was no need to return to our old existence. "Don't you see what an opportunity this is? We may meet a god. A being that used to have the power to shape worlds." The air behind Haruhi crackled suddenly, shuddering for a moment like heat waves over a desert highway. She didn't notice, but I nearly had a heart attack. Asahina gasped, Koizumi looked grim, and even Nagato had put down her book to gaze intently at Haruhi, with a semblance of emotion on her face - curiosity, perhaps. Not fear. So the Integrated Data Entity was indeed 'more likely to prefer such an outcome', hm? Nagato didn't seem inclined to interfere, even as a swirling cloud of- of something began to form. Something rather more solid than the abstract idea of a 'data explosion'.

"You're- er- making quite a lot of assumptions there, aren't you?"

I thought I saw the cloud flicker, like a television picture when there's bad reception. It could have been my imagination. Just as it could also have been my imagination that the storm outside was intensifying, rain rattling against the clubroom windows and lightning shattering the sky. Haruhi frowned at me. "Don't you think it's exciting, Kyon? We can study this phenomenon firsthand! Maybe they'd like to reach out, too, now that they have fewer followers- they could be waiting for us to find them-"

"Haruhi!" The way I snapped at her must have surprised the others. It certainly surprised me. "You're taking things too far. Being in the SOS Brigade isn't about having to risk our lives." I wanted to ask if she remembered the storm on the island, but I bit my words back. At that point I still had a self-preservation instinct. "I don't care if there are dead gods out there, surviving on remnants of belief and waiting for Suzumiya Haruhi to march up to them with a cheery greeting - we're here, now, and you can't go trading your band of loyal followers for the mere possibility of- of-" There: both coherence and my said self-preservation instinct were now gone. I tried again: "Anyway, gods can't exist." Never mind the fact that I'm talking to the closest approximation of one right now. "Not the kind you're trying to hunt down, at least. Besides, isn't it enough that we- I mean, isn't it enough for the SOS Brigade to do normal things like playing baseball or taking holidays on mysterious islands or making student films-"

I was aware at this point that logic had deserted me completely, if I was referring to those incidents as normal and encouraging Haruhi to pursue such interests, but I pressed on like a paratrooper discovering that his parachute will not open and that the only direction is down. "Do you have to go so far in pursuit of your theories that you endanger Asah- that you endanger our health? And possibly lives?" And the existence of the entire world, come to that? "I'm not going to let you go up there in the storm by yourself, either, before you attempt to do that- you'll catch pneumonia or something, and-" I pulled myself together for a final, vain attempt to salvage my speech. "- and in any case a loyal subordinate's duty is to inform his superiors when they are not acting in the interests of the group!"

I'm not Koizumi, you know. I haven't made many speeches in my time. Even so, that was clearly the worst one I had ever attempted. Haruhi probably agreed with me. Her expression had changed many times as I was speaking, from her initial enthusiasm to anger to quite possibly disgust, but I couldn't read it anymore - she just looked at me, and I stared back because I didn't know what else to do.

And then, mercifully, she looked away. In the silence that followed I thought I could hear the world unravelling around us. The cloud of data - or whatever it was - had long since dissipated. At some point of the argument, I'd stopped paying attention to it; excusable enough, I think. At times, Haruhi's stare could be more frightening than the possible materialisation of a newly-created god.

"You're all dismissed," she said at last. "I'm going home."

She didn't even slam the door behind her; it clicked shut with the finality of the signature on a death warrant.

There was still silence, for a few agonising seconds. Then: "I'll handle this," Koizumi said abruptly. It startled me; I'd almost forgotten that the others were in the room. As Koizumi brushed past, hurrying after Haruhi, I looked at the other two. Nagato's gaze fell to the ground for a moment, as if in apology. Asahina was trembling. Possibly she thought I had just doomed the world to an early death. Possibly she was right.

"Should I go after them?" Not that I wanted to, but if there was any chance to avert the apocalypse, I'd take it.

Asahina shook her head mutely. She seemed on the verge of tears. Nagato was calmer by far, her voice steady as she said, "I would not advise such a course of action. Although data explosions have been occurring at a decelerating rate since Suzumiya Haruhi left the room, your presence before her may provide the activation energy necessary for them to cross the threshold into autonomy."

So we waited. Asahina made tea and Nagato turned her attention back to her book, in a sad parody of normal SOS Brigade life. Koizumi and Haruhi didn't return. After a while I realised that they must have taken their bags along, since I couldn't see said articles in the clubroom. But something must have gone right, somewhere, because the world failed to end.

Outside, the thunderstorm slowly subsided.

I woke up on Friday and the world still appeared to exist. You learn to appreciate small things like that, once you've been around Haruhi long enough. Of course, you also learn to question what appears to be true. Nothing seemed amiss while I trudged up the hill to school, nor when I strolled through the school gate, but that didn't stop me from feeling a healthy sense of dread as I entered the classroom.

Haruhi was at her desk, staring out of the window. I wondered what I was supposed to do. Apologise? Grovel? Run away?

But then she turned around, and she wasn't frowning like Armageddon had arrived with her leading the charge. She was smiling. And it was a normal smile, I noted with a sudden blissful rush of hope: her normal, I'm-Going-To-Embark-On-Another-Crazy-Plan smile.

"Big plans ahead?" I offered cautiously.

"A new theory!" she proclaimed, and proceeded to relate the details of her discovery. As I listened to the comforting sound of her overenthusiastic rambling, I thought I could detect an undertone of awkwardness, and the firm but embarrassed suggestion that we were best not to talk about yesterday's debacle. Fine by me, Haruhi. Perfectly fine by me.

The lessons passed with no obvious sign that the world had changed. Haruhi left for lunch during break, and I breathed a sigh of relief to the by-then-empty classroom. Except that I wasn't as alone as I'd thought: a polite cough from the doorway was the only warning I got before a calm, smiling figure entered and sat in Haruhi's usual place.

"Koizumi. I suppose I've got you to thank, for once."

Surprisingly, Koizumi's smile was more sheepish than triumphant. Perhaps he'd been a minion for so long that triumphant smiles were beyond him. "You made it possible. I merely provided the, ah... final piece of the puzzle." My scepticism must have shown; either that or Koizumi just couldn't resist making another of his speeches. "You see," he went on, flicking the hair out of his eyes in a ridiculous gesture, "Haruhi had already given in, unconsciously, thanks to your outburst yesterday. But she wasn't yet willing to do so consciously - she needed an excuse to back down."

"You gave one to her?"

"I suggested one, perhaps. Not outright. Since she hadn't entertained your suggestion consciously, she certainly wouldn't have considered mine." He laughed. "I left some... useful readings in her bag, for her to discover."

It took a while before I realised what he was talking about. Of course - he'd snatched up her bag in addition to his own, while leaving the clubroom. To return it to Haruhi, but also to put his plan into action?

"I'm not sure if she's talked to you about it, but I think you'll find that Haruhi's interest has shifted slightly, at least for now..."

Yes, I knew. But I listened as Koizumi described the contents of the brochures and website print-outs that he'd left among Haruhi's homework. He bowed and thanked me, once he'd finished. I felt a bit silly, having him bow to me, but that feeling soon gave way to a more familiar irritation when Koizumi laughed lightly and added, "I think it was the end of your speech that did it, really. We can't have our dear commander catching pneumonia, can we?"

Then he was gone, and I felt slightly better about my most recent attempt to save the world. I spent the last few lessons of the day thinking about the SOS Brigade's latest scrape. Had Haruhi felt some kind of strange, unconscious solidarity with the idea of dormant gods? Could it all have been her unknowing attempt to find other gods - or wanting to be found, as she put it? No, wait - it wasn't as if I thought of Haruhi as a god! Was I analysing this too much for my own good? Why did I think I was qualified to pass psychological judgements, anyway?

All in all, I was glad when the final bell rang, freeing me from the fruitless exercise of chasing my thoughts in circles. Haruhi was staring out of the window again, probably contemplating her latest ideas. I had to smile. "Hey, Haruhi. Let's go down to the clubroom. We have to share your new theories with the others, you know."

"Commanders give the orders, Kyon!" There was a pause, and for a moment I wondered- but no. Haruhi was grinning; all was right with the world. "Right. Let's go, then!"

That afternoon saw the exposition of Commander Haruhi's well-researched and meticulously substantiated theory that the ancient gods had actually been time-travelling aliens eager to help humans along the path of civilisation. It was accompanied by diagrams of burial chambers, maps of temple sites, and the welcome absence of actual gods: in their place were merely an alien, a time-traveller, an esper, a normal high school student - and one Suzumiya Haruhi.