May 8th, 2005
Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare
96 Windermere Street, London
Dear Mr. Malfoy,
As the letterhead indicates, I am writing anonymously on behalf of the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare (hereafter, indicated by S.P.E.W.). This is a letter outlining my concern at the abhorrent treatment of elves in our magical society. Ancient civilizations exhibit slavery, out of ignorance and misconceptions of equality – but we should not!
Now, you may be wondering as to how this concerns you.
Well, as Minister of Magic, people look towards you as a leader. And it is in my strongest beliefs that you should lead them into better treatment of their house-elves. I function perfectly well without house elves, and I know others can too.
What I am requesting from you is funding of a total sum of 2000 galleons (£10,000) over the course of the next four years. Attached, is my proposal to expand the foundation, and outlines in detail where the money would go. The ministry has always supported charities – quite publicly and generously, I may add – but, for some reason, has seemed to miss S.P.E.W. in all of this. I would very much appreciate you rectifying such neglect of our foundation as soon as possible. Plans have been made and all we need is the funding to carry it on forwards.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and addressing the situation promptly with your generosity. The elves and I greatly appreciate this.
Anonymous
S.P.E.W.
May 8th, 2005
Draco Malfoy
Minister of Magic
Ministry of Magic
To whom it may concern,
Please send in a request through the proper administrative channels. You may try the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures – level 4, Ministry of Magic.
Please refrain from further sending letters to the personal address of the Minister.
Draco Malfoy,
Minister of Magic
May 9th, 2005
Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare
96 Windermere Street, London
Dear Mr. Malfoy,
As the letterhead indicates, I am writing anonymously on behalf of the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare (hereafter, indicated by S.P.E.W.). This is a letter outlining my concern at the abhorrent treatment of elves in our magical society. Ancient civilizations exhibit slavery, out of ignorance and misconceptions of equality – but we should not!
Now, you may be wondering as to how this concerns you.
Well, as Minister of Magic, people look towards you as a leader. And it is in my strongest beliefs that you should lead them into better treatment of their house-elves. I function perfectly well without house elves, and I know others can too.
What I am requesting from you is funding of a total sum of 2000 galleons (£10,000) over the course of the next four years. Attached, is my proposal to expand the foundation, and outlines in detail where the money would go. The ministry has always supported charities – quite publicly and generously, I may add – but, for some reason, has seemed to miss S.P.E.W. in all of this. I would very much appreciate you rectifying such neglect of our foundation as soon as possible. Plans have been made and all we need is the funding to carry it on forwards.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and addressing the situation promptly with your generosity. The elves and I greatly appreciate this.
Anonymous
S.P.E.W.
May 9th, 2005
Draco Malfoy
Minister of Magic
Ministry of Magic
To whom it may concern,
Please send in a request through the proper administrative channels. You may try the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures – level 4, Ministry of Magic.
Please refrain from further sending letters to the personal address of the Minister.
Draco Malfoy,
Minister of Magic
May 10th, 2005
Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare
96 Windermere Street, London
Dear Mr. Malfoy,
As the letterhead indicates, I am writing anonymously on behalf of the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare (hereafter, indicated by S.P.E.W.). This is a letter outlining my concern at the abhorrent treatment of elves in our magical society. Ancient civilizations exhibit slavery, out of ignorance and misconceptions of equality – but we should not!
Now, you may be wondering as to how this concerns you.
Well, as Minister of Magic, people look towards you as a leader. And it is in my strongest beliefs that you should lead them into better treatment of their house-elves. I function perfectly well without house elves, and I know others can too.
What I am requesting from you is funding of a total sum of 2000 galleons (£10,000) over the course of the next four years. Attached, is my proposal to expand the foundation, and outlines in detail where the money would go. The ministry has always supported charities – quite publicly and generously, I may add – but, for some reason, has seemed to miss S.P.E.W. in all of this. I would very much appreciate you rectifying such neglect of our foundation as soon as possible. Plans have been made and all we need is the funding to carry it on forwards.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and addressing the situation promptly with your generosity. The elves and I greatly appreciate this.
Anonymous
S.P.E.W.
May 10th, 2005
Draco Malfoy
Minister of Magic
Ministry of Magic
To Hermione Granger (honestly Granger, I don't know why you bothered with anonymous, as no one else in their right mind cares about house elves),
Please send in a request through the proper administrative channels. (I know for a fact that you are smart enough to comprehend what this means. If not, you cheated your way through Hogwarts, and well, I called that for years)
Now, leave me alone.
Draco Malfoy,
Minister of Magic
May 10th, 2005
To Draco Malfoy,
I have attempted these so called proper administrative channels, and they're not proper at all! They're corrupt and refuse to help me! Get off your stupid chair and give me the money I need! You owe me…
Hermione Granger,
Founder and Chief Executive Officer
S.P.E.W.
May 11th, 2005
To Hermione Granger,
What? The minister of magic doesn't deserve a nice, proper, formal letter? Instead I get your chicken scratch letter? Blasphemy.
I happen to be standing, so bullocks to you Granger.
Draco Malfoy,
Minister of Magic
(Two can play at the game of announcing their titles Granger, and mine happens to be better. Why? Because I have 2000 galleons that you don't)
May 11th, 2005
Malfoy,
A competent, caring minister deserves nice, proper, formal letters. I have come to realize you are neither competent, nor caring. And hence, you do not deserve a fancy letter.
Secondly, my penmanship is superb, I'll have you know(It's won awards before).
Also, I hope you trip and fall then.
This isn't the last of me, Malfoy, mark my words.
Hermione Granger
May 13th, 2005
Malfoy,
It is illegal to specifically ask your blonde bimbo of a secretary to screen my calls and refuse my attempts to book an appointment with you.
That is called persecution, and discrimination. That is also, illegal.
It's in my rights! It's in our charter! Don't make me take this to court.
Hermione Granger
May 14th, 2005
Malfoy,
I don't make empty threats.
Hermione Granger
May 14th, 2005
Granger,
You cannot outmaneuver the master. Please stop trying and embarrassing yourself. Go away.
Malfoy
May 16th, 2005
Draco Malfoy
Minister of Magic
Ministry of Magic
To (my incompetent) security staff,
Why do I pay you 2 galleons an hour if you cannot do your bloody job? How could you let that woman near me and into my office.
I am an important man (the Minister of Magic) and I need competent men as my security. I do not wish to be further harassed, and potentially murdered (that woman is particularly good with a wand).
Hence, you are hereby terminated and relieved of your job. You have 2 days to steal as many of those bloody post-it pads as you can (yes guys, I know you've been stealing them).
Draco Malfoy
The Minister of Magic
May 16th, 2005
Granger,
You're insane. You cannot just march into the Minister's office screaming and cursing. You're doing your cause no good! I ought to put you in Azkaban, I tell you.
By the way, nice skirt today.
Draco Malfoy
The Minister of Magic
May 16th, 2005
To (the failure at life) doorman of my apartment building,
Just a couple of minutes ago I was attacked (no, I am not exaggerating) in my own home. Imagine! The place where I'm supposed to feel most safe and comfortable.
You are supposed to ensure the riff-raff do not enter the building. How did the bloody woman get past you? Are you blind? I specifically told you as I came in, not to let her in.
No, it was probably her bum in that skirt.
I hereby declare you fired, for either your lack of eyesight or you lack of ability to hold your own against a woman's bum (albeit quite nice bum). You take your pick. I better not see you tomorrow morning.
Draco Malfoy
Penthouse suite
May 16th, 2005
Granger,
You did not give me a chance to defend myself as you stormed into the apartment. So here is my defense.
I was not checking you out.
And I reiterate – you are crazy.
By the way, your shirt was particularly nice as well. Have you been making more of an effort lately?
Malfoy
May 17th, 2005
Malfoy,
I know you very well Malfoy (unfortunately), due to the years I've spent in your vicinity.I know you've probably gone on a terminating spree by now (don't deny it – recall that I'm Hermione Granger, and I'm always right). As a result, I would just like to point out that you cannot fire the doorman because you do not actually own the entire building. Additionally, he did nothing wrong as I also live in said building. And, the security at the Ministry was not at fault because I actually did have an appointment. Maybe instead, you should look towards that secretary of yours, who cannot notice that W.E.P.S. is simply S.P.E.W. backwards.
Speaking of which, as of May 16th, 2005, the Society for the Protection of Elfish Welfare had become the Worldwide Elf Protection Society (ie. W.E.P.S.).
Granger
May 17th, 2005
Granger,
Well played. You should have been in Slytherin. If it makes you happy, I'll have you know I fired Stacey (the blonde bimbo secretary, as you so affectionately have termed her).
By the way, nice hair today.
Malfoy
May 17th, 2005
Malfoy,
Firing her was only doing yourself a favour. However, it does give me a certain degree of satisfaction.
I have not even seen you today, which would mean that you are currently stalking me. Please stop this instant (I mean it).
Granger
May 18th, 2005
Harold Elliot
Elliot Lawyers Office
3 St. James Street, London
Dear Mr. Malfoy,
As a matter of courtesy, Ms. Granger would just like you to be aware that a restraining order is currently being drawn up. Due to the nature of your relationship and the public roles of both parties, this may take longer than usual and we appreciate your patience.
Harold Elliot
May 18th, 2005
Granger,
Really Hermione, a restraining order?
It was a joke Granger. Honestly.
Are you kidding me?
(A very angry) Malfoy
May 18th, 2005
Malfoy,
Actually, you were the one kidding me.
Get it? Oh, I am so funny.
Too bad I didn't get your joke.
(You can't mess with) Granger
May 18th, 2005
Lawyers. You. Me. Meet in my office tomorrow at 1.
Draco Malfoy (doesn't lose)
May 19th, 2005
Granger,
Hah, my lawyer beat your lawyer. I told you Draco Malfoy doesn't lose.
By the way, very nice green knickers.
(A victorious and gloating) Malfoy
May 19th, 2005
You left the meeting abruptly to return to your office to write me that letter? Really?
Are you five?
Stay away from me.
(An annoyed) Granger
May 21st, 2005
My office at 10. Come alone.
Malfoy
May 21st, 2005
No, I'm scared.
(A suspicious) Granger
May 21st, 2005
You should be.
Malfoy
May 21st, 2005
Granger,
Given your previous record, I would just like to clarify that the most recent letter was a joke. No physical harm will go to you, I promise. Actually, it would be in your benefit to come.
(An innocent) Malfoy
May 22nd, 2005
Hermione Granger
Founder and Chief Executive officer
Society for the Protection of Elfish Welfare
96 Windermere Street, London
Dear Mr. Malfoy,
As the founder of S.P.E.W. (formerly W.E.P.S.) I would like to give you, and the Ministry of Magic, a heartfelt thank you for your generous donation of 2000 galleons to our foundation. This will go a long way to benefit the living and rights of elves worldwide.
Thank you again,
Hermione Granger
Founder and Chief Executive Officer
May 22nd, 2005
Malfoy,
By the way, I'm just curious. Why did you do it?
(A curious) Granger
May 22nd, 2005
I thought it was W.E.P.S.
(A confused) Malfoy
May 22nd, 2005
That was simply to get past the bureaucracy of your ministry.
Why are you avoiding my question?
(An even more curious) Granger
May 22nd, 2005
When did you become so sneaky? I like it.
(An interested) Malfoy
May 22nd, 2005
Are you flirting with me?
May 22nd, 2005
Do you want me to be?
May 22nd, 2005
Honestly…kind of.
May 22nd, 2005
I knew you couldn't resist me. Dinner tonight at 8?
Malfoy
May 22nd, 2005
Malfoy,
Just to make this clear. If I say yes, it is not a date. It is only a celebration to celebrate elfish welfare worldwide.
Granger
May 22nd, 2005
Granger,
If you say so. But I will quote my earlier letter to you and repeat: "no one else in their right mind cares about house elves".
Draco Malfoy (will see you at 8)
May 23rd, 2005
Malfoy,
Dinner was lovely yesterday.
Perhaps we should do it again another time.
(A pleased) Granger
May 23rd, 2005
Granger,
You're supposed to let me ask…
(A sighing in exasperation) Malfoy
May 23rd, 2005
Malfoy,
You know, you never did tell me what made you change your mind about the funding to my organization.
(A still curious) Granger
May 23rd, 2005
I saw you wearing green knickers.
(A smirking) Malfoy
May 23rd, 2005
Disgusting! You gave S.P.E.W. 2000 galleons in order to get in my pants?
(A thoroughly disgusted) Granger
May 23rd, 2005
First off, you were wearing a skirt. So "getting in your pants" is inaccurate in itself (Hah! I'll have you know I'm currently chanting 'Granger was wrong' in a sing-song voice).
Secondly. Crude and dirty much? For your information, I funded your pitiful organization in order to secure a date.
Draco Malfoy (does have morals, you know)
May 23rd, 2005
You're such a Slytherin.
May 23rd, 2005
You love it. That's why you married me.
May 23rd, 2005
Touché.
Granger (likes her last name better than Malfoy)
May 23rd, 2005
Blaise,
I just realized that, somehow, my wife managed to use a restraining order, and green knickers to get her stupid foundation 2000 galleons from me.
I feel terribly manipulated, used…
…and oddly turned on.
(A manipulated, used, and turned on) Malfoy
May 23rd, 2005
Malfoy,
Gross. Never share the details of your dysfunctional relationship with me again.
You guys are so weird.
Zabini